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PostPosted: Fri Feb 24, 2012 6:43 pm 
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I am just curious, now that I am finishing up with my sub treatment and basically clean/sober, and since I am single and soon will have no kids in the house, if I should meet someone and start to date, how obligated am I to share my situation with them? Do I disclose that I am/was an addict? Do I share that I was/have been on ORT? I am new to the dating thing and also new to being not on drugs... BTW how would one go about meeting like~minded people, since I do not go to bars and have dumped a lot of my so called "friends". I do not go to the gym, I much prefer walking the beach (& it is free) I will not do the online thing. Not a NA person either nor am I religeous. I am a therapist and it is considered unethical to date clients. Guess theres lots of new experiences coming up this year... Can not wait till summer


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 25, 2012 12:26 am 
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Yeah it's a hard one to grapple - when to break the history to someone you're dating / involved with. They do need to know at some stage. I think there's no hard and fast answer, because it depends a LOT on the person you're seeing. You can get a vibe early on, based on their personality, of how accepting they will be of your being in recovery.

It's strange, but I think as recovering addicts, we are often attracted to people who've come up against some kind of adversity in life, even if we don't know it at the time. You can kind of tell by one's personality and wisdom whether they've had their own life changing experiences that will create a mutual understanding. Ie - When everything a person talks about is superficial and material, it's a sign for me they haven't had something shake up their world like we have. And in my experience, they're the ones least accepting of a history like our own.

On the other hand, I don't think it's good for us folk to just be happy with anyone who will accept us and our past. There were two times when I started seeing someone, and on the first date we both put our own histories / insecurities on the table straight up, because we kinda 'knew' that we were both messy. Both times it was a relief to find someone as damaged as myself, so we hooked up. And both times we ended up fucking each other up more. Nowadays I'm CAREFUL of that. Anyone I feel comfortable blurting my history out to on a first date = caution.

These days I only consider telling someone if it's obvious we both like each other. And even then I'd wait until the moment where we both feel comfortable putting our baggage on the table. That time usually comes along at some point, as usually I'm attracted to those that have their own baggage as well. 'like attracts like' kinda thing. If that time doesn't come I try to wait until there's some feelings invested in each other - enough to make her see beyond my past. But there's only so long a guy can stay 'mysterious' before it gets frustrating.

12-step groups have this idea that you MUST stay out of relationships in early recovery. This makes sense if you're hanging around other addicts, as they are. But IMO one of the best things for a person's recovery can be finding someone who is a happy, loving, understanding and healthy partner. Whether they have a 'history' like our own doesn't matter as much as how stable they are. The relationships we have mould who we are and if we settle for someone unhealthy, we move backwards. If we work a bit harder to find someone that's better, loving them and being loved can be healing for each other. Even if the relationship dissolves, we're often better people for it.

Places to meet? I was reading an article the other day saying online dating is the second most common way of meeting people these days after being introduced by friends. I'm not a big fan of the idea, but my qualms are mainly philosophical. Plus I knew SO MANY people in NA who were hooked on those sites at unhealthy levels. IMO it'd be best to get out more, go to lectures / book launches / classes / exercise groups. There are online sites that organise social groups / outings - like weekly scrabble / chess / coffee groups, Zumba and all that stuff.

Walking a dog is a good way to meet people if you like walking.

Good luck!


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 Post subject: Wow
PostPosted: Sat Feb 25, 2012 9:55 am 
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Oh my gosh Tearjerker, I am only half way through your response and I had to stop and respond. I am amazed at how you have said all this. You are so right!! You give REALLY REALLY good advice. Ok, I have to go read the rest now.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 25, 2012 10:01 am 
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Ok, I read the rest. I had to laugh out loud at the mysterious guy part. You seem to be very intuitive. By the way, it's 2 hrs til my induction and yes I feel like crap. I have been awake since 3am, despite taking a sleeping pill, so I finally got on the computer at 4:30 to keep from staring at the ceiling, focusing on how much I want to crawl out of my skin!!

Sorry to hijack the thread.

T


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 25, 2012 10:39 am 
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Spoken from a newly single TJ :?

Shit happens.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 25, 2012 12:14 pm 
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Thanks TJ, You do give great advise. I am a magnet for loosers, (in the past.) I know what I do NOT want and that is more loosers. It will be interresting my future. I am quite cautious. I will take it as it comes this dating thing. Right now Im still a bit weary. And I guess it is a good thing. I absolutely will not do online dating. (ha ha I am not sure I would wanna date a guy that did Zumba either... ha ha good one) I am very open and tend to lay it all on the table and sometimes that may scare them off, but I will be more selective on the 411 I give right off the get go.
TJ I'm So sorry to hear about your relationship ending. You seemed to really have a bond with this gal. I am sure it is a difficult time for you. You are always so strong & supportive of others here on this forum, if you need an ear, I am great at listening & giving advise (not so good at taking it especially my own Lol...) Thanks again for the tips on this freaking dating thing... Maybe I will just got to the library...ha ha..(no talking aloud)


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 Post subject: My 2¢
PostPosted: Sat Feb 25, 2012 2:53 pm 
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Sweet,

TJ really said all that needs to be said but here is my opinion.

I can only repeat what I learned in AA back in the days of my early recovery. The general rule was no dating the first year of recovery. Then it was suggested to wait for date 3-5 before saying anything about your addiction or they'll head for the hills.

Of course that advice is if you are dating a "normie", meaning a non addict. From what I saw in meetings in my first two years was addicts being attracted to other recovering addicts. (myself included) Some worked out but most didn't. It may or may not have something to do with both being addicts as the numbers are about the same for normie's. My sister married another AA'r and have been happily married for 25 years. I just found that two addicts together tend to feel more comfortable with lots of drama and chaos in their lives. I did my best to avoid dating any addict/alcoholic.

After two years of sobriety I met a "normie". We had our first date and she noticed I ordered an ice tea but was a smoker. Within a half hour she asked me if I had a drinking problem. Yea, she put 2 and 2 together. But being sober for over 2 years she still continued to date me and has been my wife for 22 years now.

What I found out about myself was I was very attracted to women who were really screwed up. I mean REALLY attracted to, like infatuation. After dating a few, the relationship always exploded with one of us being very hurt. So I tried my best to do it the right way and date a non drama woman. I guess it worked!

Good luck out there in the dating world. Be careful, the sharks are hungry.

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