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 Post subject: Hi, it's Queenie
PostPosted: Sun Jul 30, 2017 1:09 pm 
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Hi everyone,

I hope everyone is fine. I'm o.k. Can I just vent a little?

Although I am a double amputee, I do get out alone in my motor wheelchair. I go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds, I go to the supermarket and brose around little shops here in the neighborhood. Everyone here knows me and shooping is fun and they deliver things for me. So, I can go out when I want and i know everyone in my neighborhood and I chat with neighbors for the longest. I have living here 25 years. At home, I cook(tricky from a chair)and I have my daughter, son-in-law and grandsons who live upstairs, we have good laughs together and they help me a lot with household chores I can't handle.

The reason I said I wanted to vent is because I find myself getting so sad, once in a while, for no reason. Sometimes I'm in my room watching TV and just start crying. What is scary is that on a few occasions I have had a fleeting thought of how I could feel better if I just had a little something(you know what I mean). I don't like those thoughts. I don't want to take any more meds, Lord knows I have enough with blood sugar, hypertension and heart meds and of course, my Subs 8mgs daily. The thought of feeling good hadn't crossed my mind in over 8 years. This scares me. I also noticed that when I take my nightly dose of Ambien 10mg.(my dr. approves), it relaxes me and I look forward to that feeling every night before I go to sleep.

I don't want to bore you any longer but I really don't know what brings on these bouts of sadness & crying. If any of you are feeling like that, let me know, when you feel that way and if you think you know why?

Thank you for letting me go on & on. I hope you are all taking care of yourselves and are taking your meds properly. I love you all very much.

Hugs, Queenie


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 Post subject: Re: Hi, it's Queenie
PostPosted: Sun Jul 30, 2017 2:40 pm 
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Hey Queenie!

So sorry to hear ur having these bouts of sadness! Ur always so upbeat and uplifting..... and still are!

This is just a thought that ran through my head reading ur post. Do u think that because the Ambien is bringing out similar feelings (like the looking forward to taking it) it's bringing back thoughts of taking other things too? Not completely waking up the dragon of addiction but just tapping him on the shoulder type thing? I could see how that may bring back some old thoughts or memories of the days we'd all look forward to taking that opiate. It's just a thought I figured may be worth mentioning. I'm not at all saying anything bad about Ambien, I know little about it, I was just talking about u maybe having old feelings brought up somehow from it.

Every now and then we all go back to memories of when we could take something or miss that feeling. I have those too at times. One way I always fight that is by remembering immediately how bad my life was when I did look forward to taking something.

I hope u stop getting sad at times Queenie, ur such a wonderful person!!

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 Post subject: Re: Hi, it's Queenie
PostPosted: Sun Jul 30, 2017 4:33 pm 
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Thank you Jennifer,

You bring up a very good point about the Ambien. The only thing is, I have been taking it for about 2 years. It could be happening now but why not before? You know what I mean? You did give me food for thought, though.

I have to see my Sub doctor in October(every 6 months). If it is still happening, I will talk to him about it. He has been a great doctor. I consider myself fortunate on that behalf.

I was also thinking that, there's a lot of house and yard work that has to be done(we are blessed with a big house and yard and in the Bronx, New York, no less.! Not all of New York City is concrete. We live about an hour from the city. My son-in-law & grandsons keep putting things off and It frustrates me because there is nothing I can do about it, since the loss of my legs. I used to do a lot around the house, inside & out. Maybe it's not sadness, maybe it's frustration and feeling helpless about how different things are. It's been over 7 and 5 years since my amputations but maybe it's all catching up with me because I'm going to be 75 in Nov. and I realize, I'm never going to be able to do a lot of things I used to do. Do I make sense?

Jenn, thank you for listening. I guess venting does make it a little better. i will talk to my Dr. and see what he says.

I love you sweetheart. Stay on the good path.

Hugs, Queenie


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 Post subject: Re: Hi, it's Queenie
PostPosted: Sun Jul 30, 2017 5:16 pm 
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Good afternoon Queenie and thank you for deciding to reach out for support. I've been thinking of you lately and was wondering how you've been feeling. I'm sorry to hear that you're having some issues although I'd like to point out that Ambien can be addictive over long periods of time. My dad had the same issue. He was preoccupied with his evening dose of ambien every night. Sometimes that's all he would talk about. It's probably more of a psychological addiction as opposed to a physical one. My dad couldn't sleep without it so in a very real sense, he was dependent on it.

The other issue is that medicines like ambien are meant for short term use. But since so many Americans have anxiety issues that lead to insomnia, sleep meds are one of the most prescribed drugs out there along with anti-anxiety pills. Your body comes to rely on their sedating effects and expects it night after night. When you stop taking it you can have all kinds of symptoms that can be characterized as a "rebound effect". This will include increased restlessness and anxiety that will lead to... you guessed it... insomnia. And so the cycle continues as you reach for another pill.

I also think Jenn really hit on a key point about not completely waking up the dragon of addiction, but certainly tapping him on the shoulder. Since ambien's effects can be considered narcotic-like in nature and somewhat 'pleasant', I personally think it can activate the addictive personality. I don't know what the medical literature states off the top of my head so I'm only speaking for myself here. But I remember enjoying ambien when I had a prescription of my own years ago. I would get really good sleep for a couple of months and then it would wear off and stop working. I would have to increase my dose and then would become tolerant to that.

Another thing I noticed in my father was depression that I believe was tied to his long term use of ambien. His doctor suggested the same thing and eventually he was taken off of it. He was having some bad falls after the medicine would come on and I was worried that he would break something. I noticed a change his personality such as depression, increased anxiety, weight gain, and what seemed to be mild hallucinations 30 minutes after taking the medicine. He also had quite a few sleep disturbances like vivid dreams and nightmares, shaking and twitching limbs, and sometimes the loss of bladder control. All of this from a medicine that we normally consider safe.

I also want to point out just how natural it is to have thoughts about taking those substances we came to love so much. In a society that's as fast, confused, and morally corrupt as the one we live in, there's bound to be triggers daily... even one's we aren't aware of. Our culture is saturated with messages of treating every ailment with a quick acting pill of some kind. Our news broadcasts are some of the most violent and depressing programming available through the airwaves and cable. Your brain remembers certain substances and their affinity to make you feel relaxed, soothed and like everything is going to be okay. So it's completely natural to think about taking them in times of distress.

The other thing Queenie is that you're a strong, independent woman. You have a lovely personality and a very caring nature. I've benefited from that in our private messages. I know you don't like being taken care of as much as you are. You've had some health issues that have left you more challenged. But you're more than able to push through all of it. I'm trying to be delicate here but I know that depression and sadness can come with age. I'm watching it's effects on my father as I type this. He's losing more function and is becoming more confused as to why he can't accomplish certain tasks the way he used to. Add to that the fact that as time goes on, we lose people that we care about more often. It's very easy to become depressed.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know what it feels like to want the morphine, oxycontin, the vicodin. They are powerful drugs that in the past have made me feel better than almost anything else. And even though I'm stable on 20mg's of subs a day, I still have cravings. Mostly emotional cravings. I don't want to do the hard work of therapy some times. Some times I just want to take a pill and feel better. I know that's the addict in me still lurking under the surface, and that's how I know that I need this medicine to survive. I know depression can be unforgiving and ruthless sometimes. Please don't let it break you down and steal that wonderful zest for life that I love so much about you.

You know that you can contact me at any time. I'm glad that you're not keeping this depressed feeling inside. It's a sign of maturity to reach out for support. I've grown very fond of you and I only want you to be happy and healthy. I enjoy our little chats and I look forward to learning more about you as I continue to learn more about myself. I've got to go for now, but please take good care of yourself. We're all here to support you in any way we can.

Love you Grandmother Queenie!! - OpenMInd

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 Post subject: Re: Hi, it's Queenie
PostPosted: Sun Jul 30, 2017 5:34 pm 
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You know what I think my Queen, I believe you said it yourself. And that is, Your never going to be able to do somethings yourself again.
I know I feel this way. Looking back over a life time can be painful.
You ve always been a "glass half full" type here. So incourageing to all of us.
Let me say you are not alone with your feelings dear. I hear

ya.

Razor r


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 Post subject: Re: Hi, it's Queenie
PostPosted: Sun Jul 30, 2017 7:45 pm 
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Dear sweet queenie, Everyone has made such good observations and I agree with what they are saying. I just would like to add that I know it can be frustrating when you want someone, your son in law for instance, to do something outside in the yard, and they don't get own it. I'm sure you get a little angry and then start getting depressed and wishing that you could just it yourself. I totally get it. Is there anywhere that you could go and get some talk therapy in with anyone? Maybe you could talk with some of your friends around town. Or come here more often and vent. Just a thought. Love you our dearest forum grandmother. Love, Angie


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 Post subject: Re: Hi, it's Queenie
PostPosted: Mon Jul 31, 2017 2:44 am 
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Angie just touched on what my thought is. I think that some talk therapy would be a great idea for you! It's normal to start to feel more isolated as we age. And maybe you're feeling like you're not being heard by your family members in terms of the outside house work. I think that you've dealt so admirably with the limitations caused by your amputations and I'm so impressed by how positive your attitude is! But noticing more limitations that come with aging is very normal and yet hard to adjust to!

What it comes down to, Queenie Love, is that you may need someone to talk to who will be responsive to your ideas, needs, and questions. The fact that you've begun to struggle with some "addiction" thoughts makes this a very good time to find a therapist who also understands addicts.

I appreciate the advice that you've been given here! OM's experiences with Ambien and his father are quite valuable. Perhaps your doctor can wean you off and find another sleep aid for you. I know that there are a number of other drugs that can be useful. Trazadone is used off label for sleep issues, plus it is an antidepressant. You might want to make an earlier appointment (does your doctor do video appointments?) to discuss this with your doctor.

Keep us informed on how you are doing! We care so much about you!

Amy

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 Post subject: Re: Hi, it's Queenie
PostPosted: Mon Jul 31, 2017 9:45 am 
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I appreciate and love all of you so much! Amy, you have a certain way of writing that soothes the soul. I want to send out a huge hug to all of you. Razor, jenn, open mind,Angie and all my grandchildren here. You guys are the best!!!

I'm taking all your sincere, from your heart, advice. I know I am strong enough not to let anything control me. I can contact my doctor online. My chart, all my info is there. It usually takes him 24 hours to respond and he is a great doctor.

We have a great family here and it's so good to know I can give help and I can ask for it. You can't ask for much more.

Take care of yourselves and don't let anything take you off of the clean path. I will let you know what happens but I'm sure I can beat this with the doctor's advice & counseling. This is easy compared to what I have been through.

Love to all my Grands,

Queenie


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 Post subject: Re: Hi, it's Queenie
PostPosted: Mon Jul 31, 2017 10:30 am 
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Dearest Queenie,

I'm glad that you reached out to us here for help/advice. You're always taking care of us! I hope that we can return the favor. I know what you mean about the feeling you get when you take the Ambien. Is it possible that what is really important to you is that sleep that you get after taking it? Away from all of the problems of life. I'm in a similar situation in that I take my Seroquel for my Bi Polar at night which then leads to blissful sleep.

Sleep gets me away from everything. I watch the clock every night until I can take my Seroquel and get that great nights sleep with no worries or problems to get me down.

I'm sure you're missing taking care of your house & yard. It's a wonderful feeling to look outside and see a beautiful yard that you've just worked very hard on and enjoy the fruits of your labor. I'm so sorry that those days are behind you Queenie. I wish I could come over & fix up your yard for you. But of course I can't (& I have no green thumb so you probably wouldn't be happy with my work anyway). Haha

I'm just glad that you have your family up stairs and that you can go out & shop around the neighborhood & see & talk with friends. Maybe write in a journal all of the wonderful things you have in your well lived life.

Also like all of the other advice you've received here.

Well, sending my best to you dear. I'll add you to my prayer list tonight. I'm hoping you will feel better very very soon. :)

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 Post subject: Re: Hi, it's Queenie
PostPosted: Mon Jul 31, 2017 11:53 am 
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Bless you, DeeKay. You are such a sweet person. I can tell by the way you write.

I think I agree that when you have something that puts you to sleep and gets you away from the thoughts of worry of the day, you want that time to come.

I appreciate your writing to me. I can sympathize with your feelings. Thank you for adding me to your prayers. I really need it.

Hugs, hugs, and hugs

Queenie


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 Post subject: Re: Hi, it's Queenie
PostPosted: Tue Aug 01, 2017 10:57 am 
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Dearest Queenie. How are you today? I thought & prayed for you for quite some time last night. You're such an inspiration here on the Forum that I just couldn't get you off my mind.

Is it possible to hire a local guy/girl to help get your yard in good shape? Even if it's just the part that you can see from the house where you usually are? I know your family should be doing it, but sometimes we just have to take things into our own hands. My best friend (she's 78 years) loves doing yard work too. She used to have a nice big house just 2 doors down from me & had the most lovely garden. She moved to a townhouse after her spouse died so she just has a little room to garden now, so I know how much it can mean to have a lovely yard.

Any way I just hope that you're better today! :)

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 Post subject: Re: Hi, it's Queenie
PostPosted: Tue Aug 01, 2017 12:29 pm 
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Hi queenie, I know we haven't spoken before (I am new) but I just wanted to say hello and tell you that you are obviously an inspiration to a lot of people here, including me.

Several times people have alluded to the fact that you are usually a very upbeat and positive person but we all know that that isn't who we are, all of the time, even if we'd like to be. Most of us cannot imagine the fears and frustrations you shared that comes with the loss of your legs, especially not being able to do the day to day things that we all take for granted. I just wanted to let you know that even though we may not understand, we really do care and we want you to be happy. And we all know that going back to opiates will not accomplish that. Right?

More than most people, you must know how to overcome difficulties. I was watching a tony robbins special and it reminded me of you (I mean no offense by this I just hope it may help you). He was talking about how depression occurs when your expectations do not meet your reality. He told a story of a young kid he mentored who was well on his way to playing professional basketball when he suddenly became paralyzed in a car accident. The boy was devastated and depressed because his expectation of being an NBA player was now impossible.

Tony explains that in order to achieve happiness, you either have to adjust your reality or adjust your expectations. Through speaking with him more, he realized that the reason he wanted to be in the NBA was so he can take care of his family and let them know he appreciated them, he also wanted to help other people (he did not need to walk to be able to do that).

After that he spent much of his time doing other things that made him happy. (Volunteering, mentoring kids etc). A similar thing happened with my grandmother a few years ago after my grandpa died. She became very isolated and sad but she then realized that she probably had many more years to live and she was damn well going to live them. She started reconnecting with old friends and even meeting new ones and she is much happier today.

I know it's easy for us to say "just cheer up and do things that make you happy" when we don't have such problems. But you have to promise us that you will try queenie! We all want to see you better and are here to help you anyway we can. You have been so kind to everyone else here, please show that same kindness to yourself.


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 Post subject: Q
PostPosted: Tue Aug 01, 2017 7:07 pm 
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Justin,

Thank you so much. How absolutely wonderful of you to tell me that story. You have a big heart.

When you mentioned your grandmother and how she got so strong, it made me smile because I'm happy it worked out for her & I'm sure you were happy. I was not so fortunate. My parents went to school together and married as teeagers. My mom got cancer and within 8 months she passed away. My dad said to me: "i can't live without her and 3 months later, he passed away. I was an only child and they were my parents and best friends. I had a wonderful childhood and was so loved. Suddenly they were not there. They were married 46 years. I know that my will to go on came from my daughters, one of which is special needs. I know that is part of "those days" I have.

I am feeling better the last few days and I e-mailed my Suboxone doctor and he doesn't think it's the Ambien, I just have my days. He said we will talk more when I see him.

The one thing I know I don't worry about is EVER going back to opiates. I'm sure of that. Thank goodness for Suboxone.

Again, thank you so, so much for that beautiful post. I hope to get to know you better. You have made me smile.

Much love,

Queenie


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 Post subject: Re: Hi, it's Queenie
PostPosted: Tue Aug 01, 2017 7:11 pm 
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Hi sweet Deekay,

I'm feeling better. I got together with the family & discussed the things that need to be done and I really needed to express my frustration. From now on, Queenie speaks up and tells everyone to shape up.

I hope all is well with you I love all my grands here and I wanted you to know I'm better and I appreciate you.

Kisses,

Queenie


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 Post subject: Re: Hi, it's Queenie
PostPosted: Tue Aug 01, 2017 7:20 pm 
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queenie1959 wrote:
Hi sweet Deekay,

I'm feeling better. I got together with the family & discussed the things that need to be done and I really needed to express my frustration. From now on, Queenie speaks up and tells everyone to shape up.

I hope all is well with you I love all my grands here and I wanted you to know I'm better and I appreciate you.

Kisses,

Queenie


Love this Queenie! Your voice deserves to be heard! I'm sooooo glad that you spoke honestly with your family. That was the perfect solution, yet sometimes the hardest one. My prayers have been answered. I will sleep well tonight me thinks. Haha

I am well today dear. God must have decided to bless me for thinking of others before myself. It feels good!

Kisses right back at ya!

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 Post subject: Re: Hi, it's Queenie
PostPosted: Tue Aug 01, 2017 7:23 pm 
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DeeKay,

Thank you for the prayers. I know they helped.

We will both sleep well tonight.

Grandma loves you. :D

Queenie


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 Post subject: Re: Hi, it's Queenie
PostPosted: Tue Aug 01, 2017 7:51 pm 
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I hope you have great days ahead of you Queenie. I do not know you but reading this thread it speaks for itself regarding you and your character. My heart breaks for you regarding your mom and dad :( My mom just recovered from breast cancer last year, and she has been the only one who was there for me in my massive colossal meltdown of impending drug-doom. We're currently awaiting a blood test to see if she is still in the clear.

I know I have those days. I spend a lot of time alone right now and so I go for long periods of self reflection and sometimes I just cannot be in the present moment in totality no matter how much I try. I lit my life on fire from multiple corners. I think I have PTSD honestly. A lot of things I cannot under any circumstances discuss in public or online. And those things get to be too much sometimes. I honestly have no real cravings anymore, though. Sometimes I recognize I feel a little bit low or empty and I just realize its because something isnt right and I need to take action on something. Usually it happens when I am mired id addict behaviors and not realizing it, blocking out problems and not tending to life enough. Sometimes I have really stupid thoughts though like, man, If I could go back in time, I would have used XDrug so much better lol. Like damnit, why was I such a raging mess, I had all that and ruined the stash of highs! If only I could go back and be a better junky-type thoughts. But I usually just laugh at myself because I know how stupid those thoughts are because its completely irrational ~ I had the stash because I was destroying my life and on the flipside the stash or some other stash was destroying my life. Silly addict thoughts.

I am glad you seem stable with the ambien and your doctor said it wasnt an issue. But everything in my gut says, its an issue for an addict. Especially looking forward to the relief at night. Just being honest with you Queenie. I know it would be for me. It may not be actually in structure a benzodiazapene but, it has the characteristics and the potential for withdrawal and abuse that feels and looks exactly like a benzodiazapene when it happens. I know you're not abusing it and to each their own! But for my recovery I can't allow it in my system. But, take that with the knowledge I was benzo-d for 6 years and lived the absolute f-ing horror of seizing over, and over, and psychotic mental breakdown in w/d due to severe abuse from benzos. I know it's not a benzo. But it walks and talks and shits like one if abused and because of that just in my gut I believe it not to be healthy for an addict brain, and I have dissuaded addict friends in recovery from seeking ambien scripts before.


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 Post subject: Re: Hi, it's Queenie
PostPosted: Wed Aug 02, 2017 1:05 pm 
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In my neck of the woods it would be the 'Mamaw' of the forum :) my kids call their grandparents Mamaw and Papaw. So Queenie ur my Mamaw of the forum!

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 Post subject: Re: Hi, it's Queenie
PostPosted: Wed Aug 02, 2017 1:33 pm 
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Haha, that's funny Jenn. Where I live Queenie would be my Mema. I had a Mema & a Pepa. My Sister is now a Grandmother & she's a Mema too.

So blessings to you Mema Queenie!

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 Post subject: Re: Hi, it's Queenie
PostPosted: Wed Aug 02, 2017 10:02 pm 
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Hi,

I am your mawma, mema and whatever you want me to be. Around here I am Abuela(grandma in spanish)

Hi my Grands. I'm doing good today. No sadness, no crying. Thank you for being so sweet to me. It means so much. You have no idea.

iggy, I love you and I like your honesty. I learned never to be in any type of denial and "yes" the Ambien does relax me and I don't like that I like it, if you get my point. I still would like to discuss weaning off with my Dr. The one thing that makes me feel good is that I know I will never touch another opiate unless, God forbid, it's necessary, like surgery or the likes which I don't think is in my future and I pray it's not.

I want you all to remember to stay on the good road. If you get tempted or slip, it's o.k. just get right back on the good road. Whenever you think you want a little vacation, Watch out!!! Remember the bad times. As one member here said "Rewind the whole tape" Remember, "Where am I going to get it from?" "How am I going to feel tomorrow" Remember Withdrawal and remember Suboxone is better than all that aggravation.

Don't give in and don't give up. I'm glad you're all here for me and I am certainly here for all of you.

Hugs, hugs and more hugs,

Queenie


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