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PostPosted: Thu Feb 16, 2012 12:27 pm 
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I've read a lot of the addiction stories over the past week and have debated about posting mine. I think to get everything off my chest & actually talk about things will help me with my recovery. Here's my story:

I've always remembered enjoying pain pills. After the birth of my first son I was prescribed Percocet & although at that point I was taking it as prescribed I loved the way it made me feel. My Rx ran out about a week later & I never thought about the pills again. This went on for a few years, surgeries or childbirthid I'd get a prescription, take it as directed (still loving that feeling) but when it ran out it was no big deal.

I'll fast forward to 2007. In 2007 I got married to a wonderful man. I had 2 kids from a previous relationship & he had a child of his own. Kind of a Brady bunch. During that year an old friend of mine had landed himself a job as a pharmacist in the town we lived in. It was nice to have him around again & he would come over to spend time with my husband and I a few times a week. (you see where this is going?)

Anyway, I ended up having surgery but this time when I ran out of my prescription my "friend" told me he could just get me more pills. Let's just say the pills kept coming & I kept taking them. My "friend" taught me how to crush & snort pills etc. I started snorting any pill he would get me. Typically it was Vicodin because it apparently was easier for him to steal.
Now, at some point & I couldn't tell you exactly when my husband found out. Instead of him getting mad he started doing it too.
The three of us would get together almost every night & snort whatever pills my "friend" had gotten ahold of that day. This went on for about a year or more. I couldn't even tell you how many pills I was doing a day.... It was a lot.

Well, one night my "friend" came over & said he has a treat for us... It was an oxy 80. I willingly snorted it & instantly fell in love. I didn't know much about the Oxys at the time - I seriously until that night thought oxy meant Percocet. Lol young & dumb. After a few months of the Oxys I was doing 2-3 a day 80's.

To keep my story somewhat short & readable I'll fast forward a few years. My "friend" as it turns out was forging prescriptions for A LOT of oxy & got busted. He was doing upwards of 12 oxy 80s a day. I had no idea his addiction had consumed him to that degree. He ended up in jail & went to inpatient rehab. Now my supply was dry..... You'd think at that point you'd say "it's time to get myself straight". No, not me.... Or my husband.

My husband found a connection and started buying Vicodin or Percocet. Whatever he could get & we would share it. I thought we were splitting them up evenly but fast fwd a few years and I find out he's been taking half of them out before he got home and splitting those with me. I was getting 1/4 of what he got. When i realized this, i was pissed. Not because he was lying but because i wanted more pills. I knew at that very moment i was in a world of trouble and it Turns out my husband was way worse off than I even knew. Through the years we would fight a lot. Money would mysterisly disappear from my purse, and our bank account. Every time we would fight, I'd turn to my pills. This viscous cycle continued until recently. My marriage had gone from wonderful & loving to nothing but fighting, lying, and occasionally there were physical fights.

About 3 weeks ago I packed up and left my husband. I realized that I needed help & the life I was living wasn't a life at all. It was like being in jail and my pills were the warden. I knew that staying with my husband meant I'd never get clean....ever!
My children deserve a better life & so do I.

A week after I left my husband I made an appointment with a sub doctor & even though it's only been a week I can say that I already feel better. Like there's hope for me, like I'll have a future and be the mother that my children deserve.

I'm sorry this is such a long post.... I tried to keep it as short as I could and still kind of explain things.
Lastly, I wanted to thank everyone on this forum! It's because of you that I called and made my first appointment.
Thank you!!!!!!!!


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 16, 2012 5:38 pm 
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After reading your story it sounds like you've been through a lot. My addiction progressed similar to yours and I remember being in the same position. It's great that you were able to identify that you desperately needed a change. Congrats on taking the initiative and the steps it takes to become sober. You are a 100% right when you say you and your kids deserve a better life and you are the reason why they are going to be in a better atmosphere now. You should be proud of yourself for taking these steps.

Suboxone would help you out a lot and start your path you recovery. I hope everything works out well with your suboxone induction. You may want to seek out additional help if you feel it's needed. This is a delicate process and you want to be sure to get the best recovery to avoid any possibilities of relapse in the future. You obviously want to get clean since you have pursued help. I hope you update us once you see the doctor, and once again congratulations!


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 16, 2012 6:01 pm 
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Fireman - I actually saw my sub doc a week ago today for my induction, so I'm a week without pills :)
I already feel like a new person! I've done things just in the past week that I haven't done in years & I'm currently planning a vacation with my kids. Vacations have always been iffy because I had to plan them around my addiction.... So sad.

Yes, I have really been through a lot - my original post is just the super quick version leaving out most of the Really terrible things.

Thank you for your support, It means more than I can express!


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 16, 2012 7:45 pm 
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Gettingthere wrote:
Fireman - I actually saw my sub doc a week ago today for my induction, so I'm a week without pills :)
I already feel like a new person! I've done things just in the past week that I haven't done in years & I'm currently planning a vacation with my kids. Vacations have always been iffy because I had to plan them around my addiction.... So sad.

Yes, I have really been through a lot - my original post is just the super quick version leaving out most of the Really terrible things.

Thank you for your support, It means more than I can express!


It's amazing how much we mold our lives around our addiction...the things that we don't do, or can't do because we may not have enough "powder energy" to last...or something may happen while gone and not be able to get more pills...

I do SO many things now that I used to be totally against when I was eating pills...it's amazing how Suboxone performs, and has that "gives you your life back" feeling...
I remember my induction...it reminds me of a turtle slowly coming out of it's shell in the way that the withdrawals went away. It was a slow, progressive feeling of warmth that swept over me, and in a matter of 1 hour it was like a new me.

I remember the first weekend, you can read MY story in the "My Induction Story" section..but long story short, my wife and I went to a family reunion on Friday evening, it was 400 miles away from home. Earlier that day, I had inducted with my Suboxone, probably around 2pm..and we left out of Central Alabama headed to Slidell, Louisiana at around 5pm or so..

The drive was mostly my doing, and it was my family that was having the reunion...my wife and I had been separated, living apart from one another....for probably 8 months. This was our first time "together", because I had been living with this other girl that I "THOUGHT" I loved so dearly, and my wife and I were in the process of getting a divorce. We weren't back together, and she informed me that she was just going along with me to see my family..because she had been a part of my family for almost 10 years then.

I didn't have any transportation at the time of the family reunion...my wife had moved in with her mom & dad, and used her tax money to buy her a car...so she had a vehicle...and was working at the time. As it happened, the weekend that this reunion was happening was also her long weekend off of work. I had asked her if I could borrow her car since she didn't have to work, and she was somewhat ok with the idea..but didn't give me a definite answer. The girl that I "loved oh so much" while high, she was still living here, and I had told this girl that my wife was going to let me use her car to go see my family..so things were cool with that. She didn't want to go, because my wife and I weren't divorced yet, and she wanted to spend the weekend with her mom anyway...so I was homefree for that weekend. The girl knew I was going to take my kids with me, because it was their family too..so she didn't find it odd that my wife came over here after I got back from my induction and I loaded up my wife's car with my clothes for the weekend...she thought that I was going to leave here, take my wife back to her mom's house, drop her off, and head out to Mississippi/Louisiana. Which I thought was the plan too, because like I said above, my wife hadn't told me that she was going to let me use her car for sure..I just knew that my stuff was loaded in the trunk and we were headed to the local town (which was also on the way to her mom's.)

My induction went great, I felt great...and I was feeling the past flooding back on me like a ton of bricks. All the emotions that went along with it too...the Suboxone did a GREAT job of helping me get back to feeling normal. Only thing I really noticed was the Friday, Saturday and Sunday night after my induction on Friday evening, I had night sweats..probably from that poison leaving my body (opiates, I was coming down from Oxycontin when I inducted)...

So when we hit the road, I asked my wife.."what are you doing..are you going to spend the weekend with me?"

Take into account that my wife had seen me go into Suboxone treatment, and she had come over to "visit" a few weekends before this one...she knew that the girl was gone to her moms, and that I was home alone ...so when her midnight shift job let her go home early..she called me to see if she could come spend the night because ...and I quote..."it's too late and I am too sleepy to drive all the way to mom's right now..nothing else..i just want to come sleep there."

I thought that was odd of her, because we had been apart for SO long..and she wouldn't even consider "being" with me...and once the girl moved in, I never even asked, or thought it was possible. That really hurt my wife, and once I got clean, it really hurt me that I did that to her..but that's another story.
Anyway..to shorten this a bit..she went with me to my family reunion. We slept together (of course, we didnt do nothing at my family's house..but it SURE was tempting.)
I should also make a point to say that it was about 4 months before this the last time I "got any" from the girl living here. I wouldn't touch her, because I was disgusted with myself. Even high as a kite, I still felt terrible because I had moved a girl in here, thinking I was in love, and I wasn't. I only used the girl to get my drugs, because she gave me all kinds of credit cards and such. So I couldn't bring myself to sleep with her.
I told my wife this, but she didn't believe me..because our whole marriage I had shown the sex drive of an adolescent teenage boy..always horny, and always wanted it...so she found it hard to believe that I was turning down sex with someone. It kinda sunk in when I told her that the thought of having sex with someone else now disgusted me, and made me sick to my stomach...because I still loved my wife. I didn't KNOW that I loved her...because the pills hid the reality..

But I slept next to her, and held her close to me the entire time that weekend...because I felt so 'secure' by just having her close to me.

And since we had already been "together" a couple of weeks before that trip..it was even more apparent that I was still in love with her. I even went through the trouble of getting my wedding band out of the safe before this trip, and hiding it in my pocket so I could put it back on..because after all, I WAS still married to her.

That trip was the most memorable part of my Suboxone induction..because it all happened right there together.

This was April 19, 2008..and as you can tell, I remember DISTINCTLY what went on. And we came back home that Monday morning around 2am...slept in OUR bed (well, a little more than just sleep went on...but it was the beginning)..and she hasn't left my side since. The girl was due to come back from her mom's house on that Monday evening around 4pm. Wife had to be at work on her job at 3pm that Monday evening...so the wife left for work, and i told her that i was taking care of "things", and she could come back that night when she got off work at 11pm...and nobody would be there but me and the kids...and that's what happened. When the girl pulled up the drive from her weekend away, I met her on the porch, and told her that I couldn't do it anymore. The first thing she said to me was "you spent the weekend with Misty didn't you?"

She guessed at it, because the entire weekend i was gone, I avoided my ringing cell phone...and wouldn't talk to her. So she knew something was up. I kept telling her that I was in a bad spot for cell service..

Sorry to get so long-winded with my post in your discussion..but that's just PART of my story.
We'll celebrate 14 years of marriage in June of this year.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 2:10 pm 
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GREAT JOB, getting there.......
LOVE the screen name by the way!!!!!

Yea, in one way or another, all of our stories 'match' in one way or another.......Its the same monster in all of us, just maybe has a different colored hair or is dressed in something different, inside each one of us...............
the funny thing is,, the monster may sleep once in awhile (although not at first) BUT it never goes away!!!

I really had a hard time a couple weeks back, cuz the 'excitement' of recovery was gone, and I wasnt getting all the encouragement from my extended family and friends, as I did at first. Like they think your 'cured' or something when you dont use for a few months.....lol

Anyways, keep up the good work!!!!
and posting my thoughts and feelings ALWAYS helps me, I hope it can do the same for you!!!

hang in there, it will be tough at times, but it IS worth it!!! :D :D :D

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hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
That's TRUE STRENGTH
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 3:12 pm 
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Thanks Amber4! The screen name just seemed appropriate at the time... I'm getting there :)

Yeah, this monster is by far the worst thing I've ever come into contact with. It's unreal how quick it can bite you in the a**!

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time. Im sure addiction is a hard thing for family members to understand if they haven't been there themselves. As of right now my only support & encouragement is this forum. I've been a closet addict & now I'm trying to do this recovery on my own. I'm planning on finding an AA/NA group for support but just can't seem to tell my family or even my closest friends as none of them are addicts. As it turns out I'm a master secret keeper & even better liar :roll:

Thanks again for your support! I know this is all going to be worth it, I already see a light at the end of the tunnel - a very long tunnel lol


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 4:21 pm 
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Hey Gettingthere,

I'm pretty sure all addicts are master secret keepers and amazing liars. We're also master manipulators. Those are symptoms of our sickness. It doesn't mean we're bad people, we were sick. Try not to get down on yourself, it's absolutely counterproductive to do so.

I hope you find the support you're looking for. An addict alone is in bad company.

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 18, 2012 4:25 pm 
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Thanks Romeo - now that I'm thinking a bit more clearly I'm starting to realize a few things about myself while I was using. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself & just be proud that I've taken the steps I needed to, to get to where I am now.

I'm defenitly feeling better about life & my future! I know it's still very early on in my recovery but I can't help but feel positive :)


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