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PostPosted: Mon May 11, 2015 5:27 pm 
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QA
As you know these are the things that make it almost impossible to heal. Things meaning "my dealer texted me". We have to ask ourselves why are we doing what we are doing.

Everybody is different and has their reasons for wanting to stop. Being normal or normal like whatever normal you want is up to you. I guess to me normality and this is just what comes to mind, is being able to go places and do things with out thinking about do I have my meds. But then again there are non addicts with illnesses that have to do the same thing and if they are physical or internally Ill and if I confronted such a person offering to trade places what would I do or what would you do? Does it matter? Yes I think it is a valid thought. I accept that I will probably never be like I was before? What does that mean? I am the same person lacking the above. Is that crucial? It would be nice but not the end of the world. I took my first pill but something was missing back then other wise I would not have takin it.

We are a products of our environment, society, families, and most important yourself have influence on us to achieve what we perceive as a perfect normal. QA exercise is important. Sounds like you have a good plan. Time and exersise. I have another category of reasons that may make us want to stop and that is the financial stressors or emotional stress one can put on their immediate loved ones and how it makes a person feel, wishing they could stop. but...for another time. Good stuff QA time and exercise.

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PostPosted: Mon May 11, 2015 7:23 pm 
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Quietaddict wrote:
Man I've tried to post this a few times so here goes again. My dealer text me earlier asking if I wanted any today. Man, that was tougher than I thought. I looked up different things trying to justify it, etc. finally I said no and I don't want anymore. That had me going crazy for a bit but.... So anyways day 8 is flying by its after 3pm here.. I feel good.. I was really really tired earlier so I got a b12 energy shot and have been doing good since. Those things are a lifesaver. They have vitamins and supplements and no sugar!! So I'll probably update again tonight if not in the morning. Thanks


QA, I don't want you to post on here again until you have blocked your dealer's number from you phone. (I'm not saying that as a mod, but as a fellow addict.) You glossed over my advice last week when you mentioned that your dealer would soon get his refill. I strongly suggested that you write down statements about how you would deal with this dealer. I suggested that you share your addiction with your family. Someone who doesn't want the family to know is someone who has a back up plan to fail. Someone who has not erased and blocked the number of their dealer is someone who is listening to their addiction, not the members here.

You should be proud of yourself for not giving in! What you did (or didn't) do took courage and some determination.

Now what, though? What kind of recovery tools are you going to use for the next time it happens? Because there will be many temptations in the future. You need to be working whatever kind of program that works for you. You could start therapy with an addiction specialist. You could join go to whatever kind of meeting that suits you. Check out Smart Recovery if you're not into 12 step meetings. You have no one in your world to hold you accountable. That needs to change. I don't care if it's a priest, bff, a therapist, your family, a sponsor, etc. We can help you and care about you and encourage you, but there needs to be a real person in your world. Someone who can look in your eyes and know when you're lying. All addicts need this. Please don't ignore this advice.

Amy

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PostPosted: Mon May 11, 2015 8:23 pm 
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tfisher wrote:
Good luck!! Keep drinking and exercising and pooping ;) best way to flush it all out!

I don't know if there's any truth to this, but I began to wonder if suboxone stores in our fat cells or something. Just because it took so many weeks to feel like a human again!?

Hope day 1 goes well for you! Hang in there!


For those who are interested, I asked Dr. Junig about whether or not buprenorphine is stored in our fat cells. Here is his answer:

Quote: Hi Amy!

I haven't checked messages for a while... fat cells consist of the things that all cells contain-- the nucleus, DNA and RNA, a number of enzymes, the cell 'cytoplasm' which is a mixture of water and ions... and large containers that are filled with trigyceride molecules, or 'fat vacuoles'. The material in fat vacuoles is like olive oil or margerine; chemicals that dissolve in fats will soak into them and accumulate there. Molecules that are 'water soluble', on the other hand, won't enter the fatty parts of the cell. That is why fat-soluble drugs like fentanyl or buprenorphine will pass through tissue, including the membranes that line the mouth, whereas morphine will not. Buprenorphine is less 'fat-soluble' than fentanyl, so it won't accumulate to the same degree-- but it will soak into the fat better than morphine will. Oxycodone is also fat-soluble, which is why it works so well when people snort it.

Being fat-soluble makes some medications last longer in the body, but the relationship between fat solubility and length of action is very complex, and affected by many other things. For fentanyl, the fat provides a place for fentanyl to go after it is injected. Fentanyl is active in very tiny doses, so that active blood levels of fentanyl can be almost completely cleared from the circulation as the drug soaks into fat. Active blood levels of oxycodone are almost 1000 times greater than active blood levels of fentanyl, so there are many more molecules to 'soak up' into fat tissue when oxycodone is used. Buprenorphine is somewhere in between oxycodone and fentanyl.

There are differences in how quickly the liver is able to clear the blood of different substances, and differences in how well protein binds to each substance-- which provides another reservoir for the drug to build up.

All of the variables mean, basically, that it is wrong to say that 'buprenorphine lasts long because it builds up in fat'. The fat solubility makes buprenorphine last a bit longer than it would, if it wasn't fat-soluble... but there is much more to the story than I can figure out. THC, by the way, is VERY soluble in fat-- to the point where it is released from fat cells for weeks and weeks after heavy, chronic use. Buprenorphine doesn't stick around anywhere near that long.

Jeff (end quote)

I hope this answers the question!

Amy

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PostPosted: Mon May 11, 2015 9:49 pm 
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Alright, it took a while for me to figure out how to block a number. I finally did it, though. I wonder if I could call my phone provider and have it blocked to where I couldn't contact him even if I wanted to. Worth checking into!! Amy, is an addiction counselor covered under any insurances? I have BCBS so if you have any experience with them. I've never heard of smart recovery, I looked it up though and think I like that idea better and also they have meetings 32 miles from me.. I get what you're saying, I really do, I just can't get my pride out of the way I guess but if I don't I won't have a think to be proud of, I see that coming if I don't get something going. It's like when its out of sight its out of mind but the moment its in sight holy cow!! Thank you guys for being so concerned with my situations, it really does mean a lot. And now for good news, I feel amazing. I haven't taken gabapentin in about 15 hours and I feel better than I did on it, I just had a mean workout and although I wanna throw up my dinner, I can feel those endorphins flooding out. It feels so good. I'm always aware at this stage that the next day may not be this way but I try to cherish these moments. Tomorrow is only day 9 but I feel so much better, even better than last time at this stage. I'm about to take a hot shower and go to bed (ladies, knock it off)!!


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PostPosted: Tue May 12, 2015 8:13 am 
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Day 9- well today, so far, has been one of the most challenging. I only slept for 2 hours before waking up for the first time when it was between 4-6 hours. However, I did end up falling back to sleep here and there. Yesterday morning I took the gabapentin and decided I wasn't going to take anymore if I could. So I think that's why this day started out harder. Don't get me wrong, though. I don't really feel bad, just not as great as I was with my mood enhancer, anxiety stopper, RLS defeater and what not. Basically I've just got some stomach cramps this morning, that empty stomach feeling, and just kinda flat mood. On the flip side, it's day 9 which I'm excited about. It seemed like just a year ago I started this process (just kidding, it's flown by). I'm going to at least take the day off from the gabapentin today because i'll need it more tomorrow (Corporate Vice President coming in tomorrow).. but I'm hoping i'll feel like a million ducks anyways without it. Be back later.


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PostPosted: Tue May 12, 2015 5:06 pm 
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So today I had a lot of nausea and cramping, that was challenging. I guess I shouldn't complain if that's the worst of it but it can be very hard to deal with. I didn't take anything for it today but if it happens again tomorrow I will be picking up some immodium to help. Other than that I guess everything is ok for now. Will check back in tomorrow morning which will be day 10.


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PostPosted: Wed May 13, 2015 1:18 pm 
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DAY 10:So I thought I updated already but I guess I didn't submit it. I slept a good amount last night. From about 10:30pm to 5:45am. So I've heard everyone talk about nausea and vomiting during withdrawal before but I usually only got sick if I tried to take a giant supplement pill and gag on it. My stomach would be weak but not really anything else. Well here comes yesterday, day 9, and my stomach is in knots, I'm soooo crampy and nauseas.. It was awful but I'm sure it could've been cured with Imodium but I never got any. Anyways, I'm here still chugging along. Still going to post everyday for my own benefit if nothing else. I hope that my thread can offer hope to someone and either be an encouragement to get off ORRRRR an encouragement to get on if you're looking for a way out of your active addiction. Suboxone is not a monster drug that is worse to get off than SAO. It's manageable and you have a ton of support either way. Man, I feel slowly like I'm getting there. I do have one more thing to add, my chest hurts LIKE CRAZY.. Like when I take a deep breath it feels like my rib cage is going to bust... Anybody?


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PostPosted: Wed May 13, 2015 9:37 pm 
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I'm tired, just had my workout. Off to bed and then day 11!!!!! I just wanted to do an update real quick


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PostPosted: Wed May 13, 2015 10:17 pm 
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You're doing great, QA! I'm glad you figured out how to block that number! I'm sorry you've been really feeling those symptoms, but unfortunately it's just all part of the process.

Yes, usually insurance does cover therapy for various reasons. Sometimes you can find a therapist you pay a co-pay to, but sometimes you have to pay up front, and then get reimbursed by your insurance. You have to look up the information with your insurance and possibly talk with a rep. (Tedious, I know!)

I hope tomorrow is a better for you!

Amy

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PostPosted: Thu May 14, 2015 7:19 am 
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Day 11- so the days are getting better. I slept from 10:30-6:00 this morning and could've slept longer but I had to get things done. My boss, who is in town while my partner is gone, wants me to pick him up from his hotel which once I pass my office is still 15 miles out of the way, but oh well.. Still chugging along. Really now it's just dry mouth in the mornings and bathroom troubles. Still working out hard. I'll update later running out of time


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PostPosted: Thu May 14, 2015 6:18 pm 
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Nearing the end of day 11, and hoping to soon sleep myself into day 12. That sounds so crazy, it just flew by. Some of these post feel like I just wrote yesterday (cause I did).. Anyways, I'm feeling good, my body is finally slowing down and starting to do what it does. Now comes the next part, which I love, finding things to do. During football season I always have something to do and since summer is starting we are going to be really busy. The only thing that is going to be fun is I have a "snip" procedure on 5/22 to have my manhood stripped from me. It's supposed to be a 7 minute procedure and they say the only thing you feel is when they stick the needle in to numb everything. They give you a valium beforehand so you're not anxious and I've never taken one before so maybe i'll just pass out instead of cry. I'm thinking of rescheduling it, I really don't want a needle stuck in my junk and I'm never going to get rid of the anxiety until that's over. Music has been awesome. I've always tolerated music but now i'll get chills from a Taylor Swift song. Ok well that's it. Day 11, get out of my way!!!


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PostPosted: Thu May 14, 2015 9:21 pm 
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I've noticed that during the later stages of withdrawal and into what people call PAWS everyone seems to feel better certain times of day. Some feel great in the morning then not as great throughout the day and some feel best at night, and not in the morning.. For me, mornings are my hardest times, during the day my best and at night I can barely stand up I'm so tired.. I feel fine, I'm just sooo tired right after dinner on and even now I'm yawning while doing my workout. About to go to bes, hope I sleep through it!!


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PostPosted: Thu May 14, 2015 11:27 pm 
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Sleep well, QA!

Amy

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PostPosted: Fri May 15, 2015 9:43 am 
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Day 12, here we go!! So just a few lingering things like inconsistent sleep and dry mouth and flushing out my system :D .. And I pee a lot, a whole heck of a lot but I'm also drinking tons of water. I've been, for the last couple days, falling asleep pretty fast and getting anywhere from 6-8 hours. Last night I went to sleep around 10:30, woke up around 2am and was like "oh crap" but next thing I know I had fallen back asleep and woke up around 4:30am. I then went out to the couch and had those 2 min on 2 min off types of sleep but its because I had a lot of things going on at work today and I was anxious about them. I slept ok for night 11/morning 12... The sleep doesn't really bother me, somehow I'm still able to make it through the day. As far as physically and mentally I feel blah in the mornings, until I leave my house and get the music going, then throughout the day I feel great, then at night my body and mind feel great but I'm wore out. Last time the fatigue lasted 2.5 months, but that's also when I started working out and it quickly got better. Even at 4 months I wasn't staying up till 1am or anything but I had great energy and would go to bed like a normal person and wake up like a normal person feeling refreshed. I'm excited about getting back there. It is going by so fast I have such a busy fun weekend. Doing things like exercising, physical labor at work, yard work and things like that are so much fun when you're going through it because it feels so good. Working up a sweat and feeling your legs building muscle and body getting healthy. I really let myself go over the last 4 years because I was always chasing pills and counting pills and doing all the things we do in active addiction, and didn't take care of myself. So anyways, I know I'm only 12 days out and have a ways to go but for now, I'm happy. And I feel ready to face my rival. Thanks for reading.


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PostPosted: Sat May 16, 2015 5:07 am 
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Look who is awake!! To be fair I did fall asleep at 9pm last night so I got 8 straight hours. I feel good on this day 13, just really thirsty like I've been when I wake up. I am gonna take advantage of this time and try to get another hour or so. We shall see, just wanted to check in. Things are going well


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PostPosted: Sat May 16, 2015 3:01 pm 
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QA

You are doing GREAT! I am happy for you. You made me laugh when you posted about your "snip" LOL My son in law just had that done & he was fine...he said the nurse kept talking to him and making him laugh and he was so relaxed he didn't care what was going on. He really said there was no post op issues with him. He couldn't pick his kids up and was told to stay home from work (he is an RN) because he shouldn't be on his feet all day. He recovered quickly..

Wanted to give you some support on your clean time & the upcoming procedure


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PostPosted: Sat May 16, 2015 3:23 pm 
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Thanks Tiki, its nice to hear he didn't have any pain from it, makes me feel better. So this day flew by. My son has been sick so its kinda been a pain. I did take a nap today, and when I woke up was really tired, but I had my workout this morning, went to the pool and swam and was outside in the hot sun for a while, and I have a sick son I carried around during the whole afternoon. Anyways, I'm feeling pretty good, hope to keep feeling better and better!!


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PostPosted: Sat May 16, 2015 10:50 pm 
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Aloha friends, it's the evening of day 13. When I wake up it'll be two weeks. So I looked up the 12 steps, called a guy and he said I can do them as slow as I want. I don't know if I understand them but I'll be in the meetings to learn. I'm pretty nervous and also hoping i will get into it. This is a first for me in the 5+ years I've been an addict!! So I woke up from my nap and was really tired. I would always take a suboxone when I woke up so not having one was different. I had to wake up on my own. Once I did wake up I had a great day, decent energy, played hard outside all afternoon. The biggest thing was my father-in-law went to get his oil changed but Walmart couldn't get the filter off.. So I told him I'd look at it and hammered a screw driver through it for leverage to turn it. He was so happy to save $$ and that it was done and that made me feel really good and from them on I just had this glow!! Maybe that's what I should do, is help people.. Something about it just got my natural high going. Anyways, tomorrow is day 14.... Day 13, get outta my way..


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PostPosted: Sun May 17, 2015 7:56 am 
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Do you guys know that pins and needle feeling under the skin? It doesn't hurt but it's like your whole body is poking itself? I always thought that was anxiety but I wasn't anxious about anything. I had that going on this morning, it's not real bothersome I guess but I had it. Anyways two weeks today. I'm not doing too bad. I'm pretty sure I'll catch my sons sickness seeing how I have no immune system.. So I'm still making it and will keep posting because it's good therapy. Talk to you guys soon.


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PostPosted: Sun May 17, 2015 8:38 am 
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I've either caught his stomach bug or the bathroom bonanza is coming and going.. Since my last post this is the third time I'm in here. I know last time I had that for almost 3 months but I was always clogged up on suboxone and was on it for four years the first time. Anyways I'll write back later, my stomach is hurting. Don't think its the withdrawal though.


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