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PostPosted: Tue Sep 08, 2015 9:14 pm 
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So I am 31 weeks prego. Been on subutex my whole pregnancy and this past week I made a horrible division to do bags! I feel horrible my! My clinic knows bc I failed a test last week and was honest about it but I did it again and i know I'm going to have to tell them Again! I'm very scared that I am going to get kicked out. I can be kicked out I have come a long way and I can't go back to h everyday again EVER! Idk why I did this. Do you think they will kick me out. What do you think will happen? I go again tomorrow... Please help me to be prepared??


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 08, 2015 10:03 pm 
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J

If I were in your position I would beg to be allowed to stay in the program until your baby is born. Why should that baby growing inside be flooded with heroin in the last trimester. So beg for your baby, stay off the dope for the baby's sake and let any consequences from the clinic happen after this baby is born. Can you stop & think what you are doing to this innocent baby?? It's just a few more weeks until you don't have the innocent baby dependent on you for nutrition etc

Take your sub every day to minimize triggers & cravings and to minimize this baby's w/d's at birth. Please think.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 08, 2015 10:09 pm 
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I have and I don't know why I did this :( I feel horrible. I know I'm never going to do this again not even after I have the baby if I get another chance. I'm going to beg and cry. This means so much to my life and my children's lives. I hope that they will understand and let me stay I never relapsed before and I have been in this program for a while. Thanks for replying.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 09, 2015 9:54 am 
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Hi JB, You need to get to the route of the problem so another relapse does not happen. Get a piece of paper and pen and ask yourself why? Start writing! Ask yourself how you were feeling, who is it you were with, where were you? Then ask yourself what you could change so that you are protecting yourself and your baby! If it is ok with you, I will be praying that you find the courage to make the changes to keep you both safe! Please keep posting! Let us help you get through this! Do you go to aa/na meetings? They can be a great support. I hope you get back to being and feeling healthy and good about yourself!


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 09, 2015 1:40 pm 
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Hey Jbh,

I think an important thing to look at is who u were spending time with that led to this relapse. If being around certain ppl led to this, there's a problem for ya. That's why when an addict goes into recovery, they tell ya to change ppl, places, and things. If u don't change those things, ur doomed. That's just fact. I even avoided certain roads for a very long time. U have to do everything in ur power to never associate with ppl that use again. U and ur baby deserve that. Recovery has to be selfish, u can't do it and still be around using ppl or places u know u can get it. I'm sure u already know that, but maybe the temptation got the best of u. And it will get the best of u, we're addicts and can't avoid that when it's in our face.....and that's why we have to distance ourselves from anyone or anywhere that can put our recovery at risk. Even if u have to be a loner, it'd be completely worth it.

I'm not sure what ur Dr will say, but u need to beg and convince them u were putting urself in a bad situation and will stop. U can stop, so make sure this never happens again, especially until ur baby is born. We all mess up, we're all human, and u can turn this around and get bk to where u were.

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 12, 2015 3:39 pm 
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I'm in the same boat chickadee. The only difference is that I am 9 weeks and 5 days. I have had so many recovery attempts.. The longest was 15 months, but most recently I had 6 months. I've been clean and back on subutex for almost a week now, and my relapse spanned for 5 days. I feel like the biggest piece of shit on earth. No one put a gun to my head, addict or not, I made the CHOICE to shoot dope knowing I'm pregnant. Even worse is that my pregnancy is considered SO high risk that my OB won't even see me anymore because the care I need is above her skill level, so my care has been transferred to the top hospital in the state. I've made COUNTLESS trips to the ER over the last few weeks.. I am so terrified every time I feel dizzy or I have cramping or something else. I was due to have a hysterectomy, told there was ZERO chance of me ever getting pregnant. It was devastating. Because of this, I had to stop taking birth control because it leads to more blood clotting, and I was already full of clots. GOD saw another way for me though. I've never been religious.. EVER in my life.. But I conceived a baby under IMPOSSIBLE circumstances. This baby is my miracle. When it's time for my delivery, I will have a c-section and the doctors will perform a hysterectomy after the baby is safely out. In other words, this will be the only baby I ever have, and the fact that I am carrying this baby is a true miracle. The only thing stronger then my will to carry on, was my will to deaden the feelings I had inside of my mind and heart a week ago. I JUST moved out of a halfway house that I had been in, and moved in with the baby's father. We are/WERE engaged and were picking a day to marry eachother. Here I had this perfect little miracle baby growing inside of me, I was reunited with the man I've loved/lived with for years now, I had a diamond on my hand, ect ect ect... It was like I died and went to heaven. THEN, out of absolutely nowhere, I go into his email to forward a paper he wrote for school to his dad so that his dad can print it for him (we don't have a printer). It took two seconds for me to log in, and it took half a second for his inbox to show up. That's the fastest that my world has ever gone to hell. Two and a half seconds. What I found, were emails back and forth between him and the "other woman". There were also pictures of him naked, and videos of him jerking off. All sent to her, and all reciprocated with pictures and videos of her. The more I read, the harder it became to breathe. He told her that she was the love of his life, his dream girl, the one he thought about constantly. He wanted to meet her parents, and have her meet his. He told her that he ached for the day when he would ask her to move in with him, and she would say "YES".
So there you have it.
Oh wait, there's more!!
Anxious to find out anything that I possibly could about the situation, I checked his internet browser history. I knew that he was "addicted" to porn for most of his life.. I put the word "addicted" in quotations because he's since confided that he was never "addicted" to porn. That he said that because he didn't know what else to say at the time, but the truth is that he watched it when he wanted to, and could stop watching it any time he wanted to. That he just liked porn, that I needed to get over it.
Let me clarify.. I have NO ISSUE with porn.. I watch porn myself sometimes. What I took issue with is the fact that along with the porn, are more websites that I can even count, that he's made profiles on to meet other women for sex. IE darkfetish.net, plenty of fish, down dating, Anastasiadate.com.
About a year ago, he claimed to finally have this "epiphany" and realize how badly all of this hurt me. He said that he was never meeting anyone, that he just liked to look and see who was out there. (At any point, feel free to tell me that I'm an idiot for not leaving him years ago and that I brought this heartache on myself by staying... If I didn't stay, I'd be a much happier, stronger, more self confident woman.. BUT at the same time, I would not have been gifted with this miracle pregnancy.)
Anyway, this was over a year ago.. Probably over a year and a half ago.. That he vowed to commit to me mind body and spirit and to stop watching porn.. Since he couldn't watch porn without ending up on these "meet to fuck" websites. (Half of which were paid for. Again, tell me how I'm an idiot!)
Fast forward to a week ago. I opened his browser history expecting to find clues to his infidelity, (which I did, but him cheating on me turned out to be the least of my problems) and I found all of the porn he's been watching. There was SO MUCH!! So how is porn more disturbing then him cheating on me? THE CONTENT!! He scoured porn site after porn site searching for GAY PORN, GAY GANGBANGS, IMPRISIONED TEENAGERS, IMPRISONED LITTLE GIRLS, VERY VERY YOUNG GIRL, LITTLE GIRL, TINY LITTLE GIRL, FILIPINO, INTERRACIAL VERY VERY YOUNG LITTLE GIRLS, MAN AND TRANSVESTITE, OLD MAN WITH TRANNY, VERY OLD MAN WITH LITTLE GIRL, GAY SEX WITH BLACK MEN, GAY ORGY, GAY GUY CUMMING FROM ANAL, ECT ECT ECT ECT
the thing that made this EXTRA fucking creepy and disgusting and horrifying (if that's possible) is the fact that ever since I got pregnant, he's always put his hand on my tummy and said "it's going to be a LITTLE GIRL, I just know it" he does that at least 3 times a day.
I left the halfway house I was in without a dime to my name. (We were not permitted to work while we were there) I also left the halfway house already pregnant. Due to how high risk my pregnancy is, I'm not able to work safely.. My last OB suggested I apply for unemployment (which is not even applicable) or get on disability for the remainder of my pregnancy (if anyone's ever tried to do this.. And has been SUCCESSFUL, please let me know what you did, and what I'm doing wrong, because as of now, I've been denied because I do not have a permanent injury or illness)
So here I am.. Penniless. STUCK. TRAPPED!! I hate him for what he did to me...
Oh I forgot to mention, he was cheating on me with this girl for FIVE FUCKING MONTHS!! That's between sixth and a fifth of our relationship. His ONLY explanation is: "JESS I LOVE YOU, I NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU, SHE WAS JUST SOMETHING NEW AND EXITING AND IT WAS A DISTRACTION FOR ME. I DIDNT KNOW WHAT I WANTED, I DIDNT KNOW IF THINGS WERE GOING TO WORK BETWEEN US.. OUR SEX LIFE IS SO DAMAGED, AND WITH HER, SEX COULD STILL BE NEW AND EXITING.. I WAS SELFISH JESS.. IM SO SORRY.. THERES NO EXCUSE, I KNOW THAT.."
"So why didn't you have the fucking balls to tell me?"
"BECAUSE JESS, THINGS WERE GOING SO WELL BETWEEN US AND WE HAVE A BABY ON THE WAY, THIS SHOULD BE A TIME OF HAPPINESS AND JOY FOR US TO SHARE WITH ONE ANOTHER.. I DIDNT WANT TO FUCK THAT UP.. I DIDNT WANT TO RUIN OUR RELATIONSHIP AGAIN"

So here I am. If you read his response, then you know that it didn't make one god damned bit of sense. After reading their emails, and talking to the girl.. (She's been kind enough to fill in the blanks for me. She had no clue that I existed, or that we have a baby on the way. She says if she knew, that she never would have given him the time of day. True to what she said, she blocked him thru her phone company, email, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Skype, ect ect (any of the ways that he would use to get her to strip down for him and "help" him jerk off.. During which, he'd be taking his own pics and videos to send back to her) I genuinely believe the girl feels bad. She told me how she got cheated on by the love of her life and all she wanted in the world was to find out the answers to all of the questions she had... But the other girl was an asshole to her.. And instead of answering questions, the girl called her all sorts of names or whatever. She said it's because of that, that she so freely told me/showed me everything. She knew what I felt.

I'm fucking devastated. I don't want to be with him.. BEYOND that, I'm so fucking DISGUSTED and downright SCARED about the fact that he's watching the what REALLY looks like child fucking porn.. LITTLE GIRL porn.. And always talks about having a little girl. My gut tells me that this situation is VERY dangerous.. And my heart keeps saying "RUN AWAY". I believe wholeheartedly that he's bi-sexual if not just gay.. (He's been watching gay porn since the age of fucking thirteen years old.. His mom told me that. She said she thought he was gay and in the closet and that that's why he became an addict.. Cause he couldn't cope with it) (for what it matters, his mom came out of the closet as a lesbian when he was 8 years old.. Causing his parents to divorce and there to be an ugly custody battle. His father said vile deplorable things about gays and ripped gays apart.. His dad loved his mom:. And one day she told him that their whole relationship had been a lie.. That she was gay, and that she was leaving him for a woman. She married that woman as soon as her divorce was finalized.. They've been married ever since)
I've always wondered if maybe one day out of the blue hell tell me he's gay and leaving me for a man and that will be that.
I've told him how much the gay porn cuts me apart.. How if he's bi, just tell me!!! I don't know what my reaction would be, but I know it would be FAR less painful then him looking me in the eyes telling me he's straight and then finding more gay porn then I even knew was on the fucking Internet on his computer and in his browser history. He told me once that he's not attracted to men.. That his attraction was only to male genitals. That he sometimes watched the gay porn and pretended that it was him fucking the other guy.. And that this turned him on and aroused him completely.. But that it was "just a porn thing" and that he was not attracted to any other part of a man, other then the mans dick and balls and cum. I even asked him one time (while high) if we could watch his gay porn together.. (It was a desperate attempt to get him to touch me sexually.. His disinterest with me flares up regularly.. And cuts me like a god damned knife each and every time.) after I asked him, he told me that he would not be interested in watching it with me.. That if he was gonna watch it, that he would go in the bathroom and watch it and jerk off alone. That porn was his thing, not our thing. Recently that changed and he told me he would be open to watching it with me... And "seeing what happened"
Omg I've been ranting for ever. I'm so sorry. I guess I just needed to get it off my chest. I'm loosing my mind over all of this and I don't have a clue in the world what to do next.. I have no money:: nowhere else to go..


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 12, 2015 10:27 pm 
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I'm so sorry all of this is crashing in on you, but I want to tell you that you can get through this. You are stronger than you think you are.

First thing, you have to figure out where to stay. You need to find out if you can get help through your clinic. Are there social workers there? Are there counselors there? You're going to have to calm down and think as rationally as possible. You were just at a half-way house? Is there any way you could go back there? Is there anyone there that could help?

Do you have any family that might possibly help you since there is a baby involved? You are absolutely correct that you need to get away from this guy. Here's what you can count on in him. Nothing!!! Because right now you can be sure he is a porn addict! You know how hard it is for you to stay away from H? That's how hard it is for him to stay away from the porn he is used to. And if he was looking at kiddie porn, you may have to turn him in. What if you have a girl?? You need to protect this innocent baby from him!!

You need to do whatever you can to get yourself into a calm situation for this child. Not only is he or she affected badly when you are so emotional that you relapse, but any stress hormones that course through your body can also affect your baby. Is there a place that can take you in that cares for moms and babies in harsh situations?

Make the decision that no matter how hard life gets you are not going to score! Subutex is much better than heroin and your baby is much less likely to be born addicted if you stay on your dose. You can't be self indulgent anymore! No matter how much you feel terrible you have to shield your baby from harm. If you can't do that for your baby, he or she might be better off being adopted. Because if you can't stay away from it while you're pregnant, what will make you stop when the baby is born? You have to stop just reacting to things, make a plan, and be smart! I don't want to be yelling at you, but you have to step it up for this child!

Amy

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 13, 2015 9:53 pm 
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Thanks for the support. I have decided to switch from subutex to methadone again. I was on methadone for 3 years and didnt touch h the whole time. I know its crazy to switch four weeks before I have the baby but I think its best and so does everyone at my clinic. Its going to suck going every morning but once I get my own place I will be able to get take himes. I have to earn them but I will. I know exactly what my problem is. Im stuck in a house full of addicts and craziness. Im waiting for housing to get back to me its supposed to be soon and I will have my own place just me and my babes. I have been desperate to brake this cycle for them and im going to. To the woman with the cheating fiance. I am very sorry for this tragedy. You are strong !!! You have a miracle baby and you can not help what has happened but u can get away from it and make sure nothing happens to u or ur baby! Talk to ur clinic get resources and the help th at is out there and lots of it. Women shelters are nation wide and u can go bc u feel scared . Turn him in! Before something bad happens. I know what its like to feel traped I am traped right now myself but I have found resources that are helping me and you can too!. I wish u the very best for ur future.


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 14, 2015 3:07 pm 
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Wow Jrich that is alot! I am going to give you advice based on my twenty something years of social work. First, take pictures of everything you found and how you found it, meaning under his email address. Second, you have to get away from him as fast as you can. He is toxic to you and your recovery. Do you have family you can stay with? If not, look in your area for a program that helps pregnant women. Aside from the porn involving children, has he ever made any gestures toward children or said anything that would make you feel that he sees children as sexual? Enjoying all kinds of porn does not make someone a pedophile but if you know that he thinks of children in a sexual way, that is a different story. If you feel that he is capable of sexual acts with children, you need to be doing everything in your power to build a case against him ever having time alone with your child! You are going to have to be stronger and more determined than ever! But, you are a Mother now and I think you will be able to do this! Good luck! We are here if you need us!


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 14, 2015 4:07 pm 
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Jrich I think u should focus 100% on getting ur recovery bk on track and making sure u and ur unborn child stay away from this person. I know u say u love this man, but sometimes ur brain needs to over rule ur heart and do what's best to save ur life. I don't see one thing that's going to benefit u staying with ur boyfriend. If u were in a halfway house, then go bk there and get any assistance available in helping u find ur own home...without him.

I'd get the proof u need to show that this person has no chance of any unsupervised visitation rights to ur child in the future, then get as far away from him as possible. And remember that the only way u can be a good mother, is to be 100% in recovery and that's something I know from experience. Don't stay with someone who's only gonna bring u more misery and drag u down. Ur worth more than that.

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PostPosted: Thu Nov 05, 2015 7:32 pm 
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I'm going to be completely honest with you, because I have experience in this. I was on Subutex during my whole pregnancy with my second son. If you can get away with not telling them than that's exactly what I would do, and it's not because if them kicking you out of the program ( they can't do that because of the risks it will have to your baby) a lot can go wrong with the baby if they cut you off during pregnancy. You need to be worried more about them testing the baby after you give birth. Because you're so far along in your pregnancy it lwill be detectable in any form they decide to test. Most likely they will test the mecolom ( the first few bowel movements the baby has) when you decided to do H again you put yourself in a bad spot for loosing her to DHS, CPS. For some reason the hospital I went to did not test my son, probably because he showed very few signs of WD. I know a woman who used her entire pregnancy and was honest with hospital staff, she got her daughter taken from her. I hope you think long and hard about what is important to you. If you keep it up you WILL be dropped from the program. After you have your baby. I'm not trying to scare you or be mean but this is the reality of our addictions. I want to say that none of us are perfect and relapse happens. I've relapsed on H myself while in the program but there will be consequences if you keep going like this. Good luck to you.


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