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PostPosted: Sun Sep 27, 2009 12:17 pm 
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Hi everyone,
I hope someone is out there right now. I need support real bad. I've been on suboxone for about 3yrs. I just recently made peace with being on it. I have a lot of experience with it, so I am pissed that I screwed up so bad:
I had gotten down to a low dose-2mg/day suboxone. I have had a lot of changes in my life in the last 2 monts. Lots.
I just moved back to Maine, which was supposed to be a very good thing.
To get to the point. A week ago, I came home, and I was tired, and feeling sad, and decided "fscrew everything" and I searched for someone selling OCs or H. Amazingly I found someone in town who could get 80's for me. I had never used the "contin" form of oxycodone. I was amazed, all that oxycodone in one pill!. I snorted a quarter, then a half. Since I was on a low dose of sub, I actually got high. Not super, but enough. Next thing you know I have been using for a week. I thought that each day that went by- less sub in my system, higher I would get. Never happened. By day 5 I was using at least 2 80s /day. In less than a weeks time!. I was used to taking 5mg percocettes 5-6/gulp a while back in the days.

So, Friday (day before yesterday) I decided this was much worse than suboxone. I was going to stop. But then I continued until last night. Finished my last snort of about 15mg. I figured I would wake up a bit in w/drawal and then go back on the subs. Well this am I woke up, took a 2mg. Went into a horrible nightmarish state. Like I wanted to die, like seriously. I could not take another dissapointment in my life at 50yrs old now. I came to this site because I used it once. I took another 2mg. Then 1/2 2mg. I feel a bit better. But not great. I now would do anything to feel OK like I did when I was on my steady 2mg sub dose. I'm really scared. Alone. I feel worthless. Over and over again, I find myself in this horrible place. All my life. I hope someone reads this.

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 27, 2009 1:53 pm 
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your note caught my eye for two reasons. 1. I am moving to Maine next month, and 2. I am 51. Don't know, doesn't really matter if you're male or female, but I'm female, lucky to be alive and look damn good for my age considering the years of drug abuse. Do opiates actually preserve you? anyway, all I have to saY is that I'm new to suboxone. I guess I was ready to get off the merrygo round cos at my age I'm sick of digging out of the same hole. I am amazed that I have energy, an attention span, and motivation without unprescribed drugs. My last go round ended up back on H as always. Sick of the junkie life. Ha one of the reasons Maine seems like a good idea is that I figured it would be hard to get shit there, except for pot maybe, but I guess one can find it anywhere. Or as it seems to happen for me, it comes to me. I tried some H last night just to see, but nothing other than a slight high and upset stomach. Enough for me to chalk it up to curiosity and know that I do prefer being on the suboxone, even tho I do miss numbing myself at times. Like I said guess I'm ready, and that's basically the way it has to be I suppose. Wasted too many years already. Contacting Drs. in Maine near where I'll be now, so I can get myself set up. I'm in AZ. now, and not sure how it's prescribed, monitored, cost (since I have no insurance) back there. Maybe you could give me some insight. Don't know if I can help but am TOTALLY WILLING TO CHAT!


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 27, 2009 2:29 pm 
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All you did was put yourself into withdrawal and I would wait 24 hours and take the 2mg of Suboxone and get back on track.There isn't much you can do til the oxycontin is out of your system.Do not beat yourself up for relapsing.It happens quite often and is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of the effects opiates have on your mind.Let me ask, in this past three years on Suboxone, have you attended any opiate addiction education or support? It is absolutely imperative to have new coping skills to deal with sadness,lonliness,anger,etc. The first thing an opiate addict will do when confronted with negative feelings is USE if they don't have the tools to deal with the crisis. Suboxone alone is nowhere near enough to change our behavior.
Again, just get back to being stable on Suboxone and don't consider jumping off til you have a better handle on your emotions.If you need anything, questions, just ask!!

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 Post subject: thanks shelroy
PostPosted: Mon Sep 28, 2009 10:51 am 
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Location: Miami, Florida
I just now looked at the responses.
You really helped. You cannot imagine. Why it helps so much for someone to tell me that "hey, don't sweat it, you will be ok, just be patient.." I dont know. I am not able to tell myself that. Instead its more like "look at your sorry ass, you are pathetic etc etc".
Seriously, thank you for taking the time to write. You and one other person were the only ones. You told me really what I needed to hear. "Get back on track, get tools, you'll be ok"
Bless you or whatever
I DONT WANT TO USE. I would rather die than go back to that. Just one week scared the hell out of me. Horrible. The copping, the runner, the greed, the frenzy, the fear, then worse of all after you get what you are looking for you think you have things beat..ahh its in my pocket..I made it..all that.....until... the truth hits you from a thousand points. No, you did not win, you are in a world of s.. Total absolute terror is what results for me. Because I do not want to be a junkie. I DONT. I am f..king pissed at that whole life. It is ugly.
Suboxone does help, for anyone out there.
Im better today. I did exactly what you said. I took 2+2 later. I'm feeling relatively ok. Just shame.

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 Post subject: shelroy a question
PostPosted: Mon Sep 28, 2009 11:01 am 
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you mentioned:
" have you attended any opiate addiction education or support? "
I cannot say that I really have. In the past before I started using again back in 2006 then went on subs, I went to AA.
I actually stayed sober for 5-6 years. Then my world went crashing when I moved back to Miami. I never worked the steps.
I never learned coping skills really. I did have a spiritual experience that had a profound effect on me. This was outside of AA, and outside of anything. It just happend because I asked in a prayer.
But now, I am seeing a therapist. She is really good. But I am desperately looking for specifically what you mention- opiate education, and support. I think opiates are different. They really sink the hook deep (if you have ever fished).
I'm in Maine as I mentioned. There is a really good one, but it is way too far. 2+ hours away. The only thing I came up with was a group therapy that is based more on anxiety, PTSD, depression and some substance abuse. I'm hesitant to committ to that group.
Thanks for your help. You really helped me brother. If you are a bro, if not sister.

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 29, 2009 4:49 pm 
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There has got to be NA or atleast AA in your area, or atleast nearby!

I use to go to these AA/NA meetings when I was a youth when my older brother was coming off of Meth twice; this was during the late eighties. This was fun for the entire family, all four of us in fact. I didn't really get the whole thing back then even though I was more than old enough knowing what was going on. Think I was 13 or 14 the first time he went to treatment. All I really wanted to do with my spare time after school and homework was to play my NES Nintendo or fart around with one of my RC Cars. So I Felt like I didn't really need to be there even they we were all codependents.

Now some 20 years later I felt kind of sketchy going to my first group meeting in a very long time. And this time the tables were turned, this time I was the one with the addiction. Had all sorts of feelings going to my doc's office where the meetings are. This isn't a 12 step program, though it is led by the doctor and two other addiction counselors.

When the meeting started it felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I had a lot of anxiety about the meeting and for what reason I have no idea. It felt extremely comforting to talk to other people in person about the same crap I was going through. It helps way more going to counseling either one on one or in a group. No way would I want to do this by myself. Also will be going to NA meetings as soon as my brother can find me a local group. He relapsed with alcohol and occasional vicodin abuse for a couple of years and now goes to AA meetings a few times per week!


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 29, 2009 8:57 pm 
Gaulois - How are you doing now? Hopefully much better since getting back on track with your Suboxone. Just want you to know that you are not alone in your struggles. You mentioned that you had gone through some big changes in your life prior to your relapse. As addicts, I think we generally do not adapt well to change, even when it's good change. It is still stressful and we have gotten ourselves accustomed to just popping a pill or two or twelve to make everything feel better! So it's no big surprise that you got to feeling the way you did.
Frankly, I am impressed that you figured out as quickly as you did that it wasn't worth it. You messed up for a short bit, learned your lesson and are getting back on track again. Addiction is a chronic, relapsing disease. It is actually extraordinarily unusual to get into recovery and NEVER have a relapse. Just remember that. Don't beat yourself up over it. For me, guilt and shame are huge triggers for me to want to use. So just don't go there. You have not failed. You just hit a little bump in the road. Recovery is a process. It takes time and work. So just keep doing the work, stay vigilent and when you are tempted, remember this experience and chances are it will not happen again!
Everyone has their own opinion about NA/AA and other support modalities. I believe there are some people who don't benefit from that type of therapy at all (I'm sure there are a lot of people who would argue with me on that). But treatment should be individualized. Whatever it takes to keep you grounded in recovery is what you should do.
You mentioned a spiritual experience you had years ago. I totally believe in that! You had it once before and it saved you. That same God is still there, has not moved. You may have but He has not. Sometimes being brought to our knees is what it takes to get that spirituality back into play.
That is not to say that there is no other work to be done. Give that group meeting you mentioned a chance. You never know - the variety of issues being discussed there may benefit you in ways that you cannot imagine. If nothing else, it serves to remind that we are all human beings with issues and we can help each other.
I also certainly agree that educating ourselves about opiate addiction is helpful as well. We should at least know what we're fighting and be aware of all the tools available to help us win the fight.

Hope you're doing better and better each day!



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PostPosted: Wed Sep 30, 2009 6:48 pm 
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gaulios-

Ahhh Miami. Just the thought of it provokes some crazy stuff for me too.Anyway I have to be honest, I am not an avid AA/NA goer. It is not that I do not respect twelve step recovery because it does wonders for people.For me, it took something different. I adopted many types of recovery programs and used what worked for me and junked what did not.All I am trying to say is: AA/NA does not work for everyone and you have options.
I am not sure what Maine offers as far as alternatives, but I will provide you with some options.In the least, try looking at online support groups.I tried starting one on this site here, but nobody ever showed up.In time, I may give it another shot.Again, I will link you with some helpful sites.
I am glad you found my words helpful. I have been through hell and back and wish to help others realize that if they are willing to REALLY TRY, they can change their lives for the better. Nothing in life worth having comes easily, otherwise we would not appreciate it. Until we get honest with ourselves, we will never find peace. Life is a beautiful gift for me today because I choose to learn from my past and I love a little more and hate alot less. Having a shitty life can really destroy a person, but I am proof that if you fight for it, happiness is possible.I could go on forever about this, but trust me when I tell you- I understand what you are going through and I believe you can rise above it. (By the way, I am female, lol)


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 03, 2009 5:31 am 
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[quote="shelwoy"]gaulios-

Ahhh Miami. Just the thought of it provokes some crazy stuff for me too.Anyway I have to be honest, I am not an avid AA/NA goer. It is not that I do not respect twelve step recovery because it does wonders for people.For me, it took something different. I adopted many types of recovery programs and used what worked for me and junked what did not.All I am trying to say is: AA/NA does not work for everyone and you have options.
I am not sure what Maine offers as far as alternatives, but I will provide you with some options.In the least, try looking at online support groups.I tried starting one on this site here, but nobody ever showed up.In time, I may give it another shot.Again, I will link you with some helpful sites.
I am glad you found my words helpful. I have been through hell and back and wish to help others realize that if they are willing to REALLY TRY, they can change their lives for the better. Nothing in life worth having comes easily, otherwise we would not appreciate it. Until we get honest with ourselves, we will never find peace. Life is a beautiful gift for me today because I choose to learn from my past and I love a little more and hate alot less. Having a shitty life can really destroy a person, but I am proof that if you fight for it, happiness is possible.I could go on forever about this, but trust me when I tell you- I understand what you are going through and I believe you can rise above it. (By the way, I am female, lol)





i would like to see you start it again. if you had an online support group one night a week i would definatly check in. it would be nice to advertise it so more people would attend. i have never been to any kind of support group before and personally dont have the time to travel around in the evenings but online would be convient and educational


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