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PostPosted: Sat Aug 14, 2010 9:42 am 
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I've finally come to the understanding that I've been an addict for a very long time, just not in active addiction for most of those years. From the time that I was nine, I yearned to get high so that I could escape feeling who I am. But, I didn't get high because I was the "responsible" one. My need for approval trumped my desire to escape.

In my early teen years, the urge to escape won out and, periodically, I would play around with inhalants and weed, but it was very seldom. I drank my first beer at 15 and then nothing until I was 17, when in one night, I drank myself into a psyche ward stay for a few weeks. In my early twenties, I distanced myself from my family (and, therefore, the need to seek approval) and for several months, I drank, what I now see as, alcoholicly.

When I married and started my own family, I stopped drinking (and, of course, would never consider doing anything else). I drew close to my Faith. I really thought that my past was in my past and that God had removed any desire to get high.

My marriage has been anything but ideal. I've never sought escape chemically, though. Instead, I learned how not to feel with no chemical help whatosoever. Then, my world turned upside-down. My two oldest sons started getting into some trouble with drinking and being around weed. I thought that I was just upset (Hadn't I been a good parent? Why did they have to go down this road?). But, I now think that I was as much jealous as anything else (pathetic, I know). All of a sudden, I was experiencing anxiety (WTF??? I never had trouble with anxiety, although I would come to understand that my two decades of "benign vertigo" was really a form of mental panic attacks).

Of course, it now seems absolutely nuts that I considered taking opiates for anxiety. But, when it was happening, it made perfect sense, AND IT WORKED! It worked so well in fact, that I was immediately addicted, finding that I couldn't go a single day without obsessing about them until I would relent and allow myself a few hours of chemical peace. I was finally okay, even more okay than I ever had been.

Things just fell into place to allow me to use. My father had prescriptions that he would share (for my neck pain). Then, I found that I could get meager scripts from my doctor for my DDD if I pretended that it was flaring. When that ran out, I found a bottle of hydrocodone syrup from my son's surgery a couple of years prior. By the time that couple of days was done and I was panicked, my father was prescribed oxycodone for his multiple myeloma, making ALL of his vicodin (which never really worked for him) available for me. Then, I was relieved that he used much less of the oxy than was prescribed and his doctor trusted me to call in refills "for my dad" and I got to pick them up and fill them. Within two months, I was taking 200mg of oxy a day. It was then that I discovered that there weren't enough things that could possibly fall into place to cover that kind of use. I went on Suboxone.

For a couple of months, I was dedicated but when stressed, I'd cope by getting scripts and stockpiling pills. Of course, I eventually ended up relapsing. A few months after, I tried to quit cold turkey. I was able to get past the physical wd, but within two weeks, I wanted to take a gun to my head or rip my skin off, SOMETHING!!!! I kept relapsing a couple of days using, a few days off, a week using, three days off. After using for a couple of weeks, I gave CT one more shot but started hurting myself in order to distract from the obsession. So, I went back on Suboxone, THANK GOD! Some semblance of sanity finally returned!

I've been on Sub for a little over a year now. It hasn't been a perfect year (though my doctor does not know that. He has dismissed patients for relapsing, giving them a week's script and sending them off to find another doctor -- which doesn't happen. He's pretty much the only one accepting patients).

WHEW (breather) SO... WHY HAVE I PUT ALL THIS IN A POST IN THIS FORUM? I need for you to get to know me before you answer my question on opiates and pain.

As I indicated, I have DDD (three herniated discs in the C-spine). Although I have pain, it's manageable without narcotics right now. But, that may not always be the case. So, I wonder, is it ever possible for an addict to use narcotic pain medication for chronic pain and the obsession not return? If we recover sufficiently, is such a thing possible? Or... is this just my addiction looking for reassurance that, someday, opiates will be an option?

I know that this was an incredibly long post. I appreciate you taking the time to read it and to reply.


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 14, 2010 2:15 pm 
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I think we are all unique individuals and what is true for one is not necessarily true for another. However, for me, I know I could never use opiates normally. I have chronic pain. I have gone off suboxone. There was no question in my mind that when given narcotics, I can't use them normally. At the same time, I do think that if I could ever get of suboxone and tolerate the pain with ZERO narcotics for a couple of years, I imagine it might be possible to take narcotics for pain in a somewhat normal fashion with strong supervision and counseling maybe. But I could never get 2 years without suboxone or opiates to begin with I don't imagine. I say 2 years because the PAWS lasts quite a while to begin with and during that time you feel so horrible it is just too tempting to abuse the narcotics to make yourself feel normal. I would have to get to a position where I felt entirely normal and stable without anything for a good long time before even attempting to manage opiates for pain. For me, it just isn't worth the risk either. I am learning to manage pain with only the use of suboxone which does dull it to some extent and makes life more tolerable. That is going to have to be good enough for me because I won't risk anything else. It isn't worth it. Just my opinion.

Cherie

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Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 28, 2010 2:55 pm 
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I know that the post is sorta old but I know how you fill I to have major lower back problems lots of pain. I don't walk right can't sleep life is tuff and the people around you just don't inderstand how could they thats part of the reasons I go to meeting they understand how it is but I only use narcotics if I have surgery and some times not even then besids that just sub for pain managmint and over the counter stuff. I can't take narcotics for more than a couple of days or I will be back were I was this is a progresive disease it don't get better it will take off right were you left off. There has been people to do it but not meany stay with the subs and the over the counter stuff and there is injections and other stuff to try get a pain doctor and tell him the truth all of it or you will only hurt your self good luck stay strong.

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 28, 2010 6:05 pm 
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I, too, have chronic pain and manage it with suboxone and a muscle relaxer. I've said before that I can never go back to using opiates to treat my pain. That doesn't mean I won't use them for surgeries - in fact I have. The problem is when I did that I got a sense of how things would be. I knew if I stayed on them long that things would go right back to the way they used to be.

Like Jackcrack said, everyone is different, so you never know. But you have a pretty extensive history and it takes a while to unlearn things and form new habits. You're the only one who can answer the question of whether you're just looking for reassurances that you could use opiates again someday. Good luck.

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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