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PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2015 10:13 pm 
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Far from weak!!! Strong woman who has her hands full as it is, never mind trying to taper when your hormones are all over the place! We are our own worst enemies! Is there a way to find out how long you & the baby would show positive for sub? I was wondering if you just stopped 3-5 days before your due date and if someone asks why you are cranky or tired, tell them you are 9 months preggo & been chasing a 22 month old...you are done, ready to get this baby out. Do you have a mom or mother in law or someone who could help you during the day? Just trying to throw some idea's out there to help you..

I know how it feels to be "outted" when that is the very last thing you ever want to happen, because I was "outted" in an OPEN COURT ROOM! I almost fainted, i swear! No One Knew and in one minute alot of people knew. It's a long story but i didn't do anything wrong and that's why it never entered my mind that the judge would talk about it in open court...urghhh

The reason i am telling you this is - What i had imagined happening and the reactions of people were not nearly as bad as i use to envision.

I think it was easier for you the first time because you were not so stretched taking care of another child & hubby. This is a different deal and I can see where it would be hard.

You are an amaing woman and please don't forget that!


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 27, 2015 6:52 pm 
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Hey givemehope :)

I was looking through some posts and wondered how u are doing? U seemed pretty stressed and down on ur last post a few days ago, so I wondered if ur feeling better at all? Please know we're here for any support u need. Let us know how u are doing.

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 27, 2015 10:39 pm 
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you are right jen it seemed she looks stress and down on her last post. i hope she is ok and doing great .


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 28, 2015 7:45 pm 
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Seriously, don't beat yourself up! You have got a lot going on. Just keep trying! Try to take less, if you cannot handle it, take a little more. Being pregnant by itself is freaking hard! If you can't get off, well, everything will work out the way the universe intends. You know what I mean? Feel free to just vent about life, I am happy to listen.


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2015 6:53 pm 
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Hi everyone. Sorry I've not posted in so long. I've been overwhelmed and depressed. I'm almost 39 weeks now. I'm still on sub. 2-3 mg a day, but usually 3. I wish so bad I could've tapered off, or even to just a lower dose. But I didn't. I know what will happen if I'm not one of the lucky ones to have a baby free of NAS. I'll hate myself and wonder why I couldn't do it for the baby that I will love so much. After you see their face, hold them, bond with them, you wonder why you didn't do better. That's how I was with my daughter anyway.
The reason I haven't gotten off or lower is because of this horrible depression I'm in. I HATE my life. I'm a stay at home mom with a 23 month old. I love her more than I can explain, but she drives me nuts most days. She's very hard to entertain. (No interest in toys or tv). And I have no one to help me or give me a break with her. My husband isn't her father and has no patience for kids; not even his own. Speaking of his kids, as I've mentioned before, they are horrible. We have them half the week. I can't stand my husband most of the time. I have no friends here. I'm literally surrounded by people that stress me out or I just plain ole don't like. Therefore, I use the subutex as a coping mechanism. I numb myself to the reality of my life.
I still haven't told my OB that I take it. I've considered trying to stop taking it a few days before my due date but I probably won't. I don't know what I'll do if they drug test me. My plan is to not tell them I'm on it. It'll probably fail. However, if it doesn't and they let me take my baby home after the standard 2 days, I'm going to watch him very closely for NAS and I'm going to work closely with his pediatrician for monitoring. If they do find out and keep him, then I get to explain why I hid it from my OB. And I also get to explain to my family what's going on. All whilst dealing with the horrible guilt of what I've (potentially) done to my son. PLUS worrying over who will care for my daughter during all this. I really hate myself. There are millions of women who would give anything to have a healthy baby and would never do anything to mess it up. And I've been blessed twice with this opportunity only to put my precious child at risk for a horrible, miserable, uncomfortable beginning at life. All because I can't deal with life.


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2015 8:08 pm 
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GiveMeHope, I don't see it as u not being strong enough or anything like that. Ur an addict like all of us here and I honestly think if I were in ur shoes, I'd probably be doing the same thing u are. I have bad anxiety & depression every time I come off any opiates anyway and add pregnancy to the mix along with a very young child too......wow I see u as very strong. I know u wanted to stop and make everything great in time for the birth of ur child but sometimes u just got to let go of what we can't do and realize its not all our fault ya know? Yes things may get tough if they test ur baby or however they do that, but once u explain ur situation I think they will see what a good mom u are and u just couldn't do it alone without the medicine u were already on. I just don't want u to be so down on urself cause I couldn't have done any better than u if I were in ur situation. And I have an 8yr old who is extremely hard to deal with as far as holding attention and he expects me to play with him24/7. Boy its rough when u feel good, and so much worse when u aren't. U will do fine. U may have to go through some things but in the end I really think everything will work out just fine I promise.

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PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2015 10:13 pm 
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Thank you jennjenn. You are always so good at putting things into words. Like you said, it's rough when you feel good and worse when you don't. That's exactly how I feel. It's hard to beat the enemy when it lives in your own head.

I wish I had a friend in person that's like you, and all the other great posters on this site. You have no idea how much your support means to me. I made the mistake of confiding in my sister today. So stupid of me! She really let me have it. I get it. I really do. It is a horrible situation to put an innocent baby in. But a judgmental tongue lashing doesn't make it any better.

For any other mothers who may be following my thread, I will be sure to update on what happens upon the birth. If you are a believer, please whisper a prayer for me and my son.


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2015 11:07 pm 
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Oh Doll, stop beating yourself up. I kind of understand how you feel but the truth is even we strong women (and you are STRONG) get stuck expecting to much of ourselves. I am way older than you and I have smoked for about 35 years! I have a 14 year old granddaughter who is like my own child. I raised her until she was 7 then her mom married and we gradually got her to sleep over there. To this day, I see her every Tuesday and she sleeps over one night on the weekend. Her good friends know she is with Mima on Saturday nite LOL Of course now if there is something really good going on she asks if it's ok to sleep somewhere else and i always tell her Yes, Anyway, she hates that i smoke and recently did a science or health project about smoking...you write a letter to someone you care about who smokes. She told me after they grade it she is SURE i will quit smoking. Well I have been trying to quit for a long time but i just can't seem to put them down. I don't want to disappoint her and i don't want her to think i care more about smoking then her but damn it is so hard. Now add to that the fact that i have physical custody of my one year old grandson and I NEVER stop beating myself up. I want to be around for him for 20 years to help him learn & grow. I won't be healthy if i don't quit...so i kinda get what you are saying.

You did the best you could in your situation. The end. It does no good to think "i shoulda, woulda, couldna" when we really can't at this moment.

I am so sorry you got attitude from your sister. IMO, only someone who has been where we have can understand.

I believe and you will be in my prayers every day!


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 20, 2015 2:54 pm 
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My heart is breaking for you. I have always said that motherhood is the hardest job on planet earth. There is something about it that weighs so heavy on your mind and your heart that perpetual guilt about something is just inevitable.

I know that this whole thing hasn't worked out the way you planned. But, you have to know that just because you have an addiction doesn't mean you aren't doing the right thing for your baby! Chances are very good that he will not have any NAS, and if the nurses/doctor don't know that you are on subs chances are even higher that they won't have to stay in the NICU for any extended period. I'm praying that they won't drug test you, but even if they do it won't be the end of the world. There is no chance that they won't see how much you love your babies and how hard you tried to do the best you could for them. Everything is going to be okay in the long run. Have faith in that, and know that your baby will be fine. Are you planning to breast feed? From what I have read this will help to a small extent to wean him off the very tiny amount he would be getting in utero.

I just want you to be encouraged a little bit. Know that there are people in the world who understand and don't judge you based on this. Maybe your sister will realize that she was wrong and come around soon. I really hope so.

Q

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 22, 2015 11:52 am 
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I love you all. Seriously. I have gone back and read your responses over and over. They are guiding lights in this dark situation. This world needs more people like you all. Sometimes it feels like no one really cares about anybody around here (where I live-not the forum). You all take your time to support a complete stranger. Over the internet. You virtuous people, you. :)
Tiki-- I totally understand about the smoking. That's another one of my issues. You want to be healthy for your babies, but quitting is impersonal and VERY hard. \
Q-- I plan on trying to breast feed. With my daughter, my ducts were blocked. So I just became engorged for a few days with no let-down or expression. I'm praying God has mercy on my boobies this time around. Lol
I'm so ready to have this baby. However, with the major blizzard we got this weekend, I'm glad he's waited this long.
Hopefully my next post is a POSITIVE post about my baby boy. Lord knows my thread needs some good news.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 22, 2015 1:44 pm 
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GiveMeHope wrote:
I'm praying God has mercy on my boobies this time around. Lol
.



Bahahaha! That's funny. :lol:

I'm glad to see that you seem to be in better spirits in this post. The thing that always bothers me about mothers in this situation is that the worry of what is going to happen in the hospital because of suboxone seems to overshadow all of the joy you should be feeling. Don't let anyone's stupid expectations of you take this moment away from you GMH. You're baby is going to be perfect, and you are going to be a wonderful mommy, again!

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 22, 2015 8:51 pm 
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My daughter is breast feeding and i told her what you said...it was to funny! I didn't give her background info - just the boobies line.

My daughter did say a friend of her had a similar "no let down" issue and the lactation consultant told her to let the baby suckle on the breast while giving formula for nutrition and after 4 days of multiple daily suckling the milk came down. Even just letting the baby suckle is a bonding experience & calming for the baby. Maybe that would work for you also. Just don't let the hospital give you the pill or injection that dries you up.

I will add that in my prayers but i kinda feel funny saying that LOL

Q says it all. Don't let this overshadow the joy & miracle of the birth of you son!

This is a really awesome forum. People truly care about each other & the moderators have always been available to me with a PM when i have needed some extra hand holding. It's my online family and yours too :D


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 04, 2015 5:45 pm 
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Good news everybody! I had my baby and we are home! I had planned on not telling them about the subutex. However, they checked the pharmaceutical database and saw that I had a recent script. They also immediately drug tested me upon arrival at the hospital. I freaked out. I told them that I had tapered off in January and that I only took it as needed for pain after that (to explain the positive drug test).
The day he was born, a social services worker came to my room and asked about my sub use and prescribing doctor. She was very nice and left as quickly as she came. Thank God I was alone in my room at the time. I kept waiting for them to tell me that he was going to have to stay for monitoring. Nothing else was ever mentioned. 48 hours later, we were discharged!

I have taken him to the pediatrician every day to monitor for NAS. He didn't show any symptoms at all while in the hospital. However, he is showing some very mild symptoms now which are-- sneezing, frequent loose stools, and occasional muscle tightness. He's eating and sleeping well and isn't fussy or irritable. So overall, he's doing great!! I am attempting to breast feed but have had problems so I'm only able to supplement him with what little bit I'm able to pump.

I am so thankful and relieved. This went better than I could've hoped or dreamed.


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 04, 2015 10:43 pm 
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Oh Doll That is WONDERFUL ! I am so sincerely Happy for you and your son! WOW-that is the best scenario. I believe in prayer but I also believe the people in contact with you were actually "professionals".

Now you try to enjoy your little baby boy. Although in my mind i saw you chasing your daughter LOL

Your post made a crappy day a good one for me.


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 04, 2015 11:33 pm 
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GiveMeHope wrote:
Good news everybody! I had my baby and we are home! I had planned on not telling them about the subutex. However, they checked the pharmaceutical database and saw that I had a recent script. They also immediately drug tested me upon arrival at the hospital. I freaked out. I told them that I had tapered off in January and that I only took it as needed for pain after that (to explain the positive drug test).
The day he was born, a social services worker came to my room and asked about my sub use and prescribing doctor. She was very nice and left as quickly as she came. Thank God I was alone in my room at the time. I kept waiting for them to tell me that he was going to have to stay for monitoring. Nothing else was ever mentioned. 48 hours later, we were discharged!

I have taken him to the pediatrician every day to monitor for NAS. He didn't show any symptoms at all while in the hospital. However, he is showing some very mild symptoms now which are-- sneezing, frequent loose stools, and occasional muscle tightness. He's eating and sleeping well and isn't fussy or irritable. So overall, he's doing great!! I am attempting to breast feed but have had problems so I'm only able to supplement him with what little bit I'm able to pump.

I am so thankful and relieved. This went better than I could've hoped or dreamed.


Great news and congratulations on your baby boy. Keep up with the pumping/breastfeeding him!! The slight amount of sub in your milk will help keep your boy from showing signs of NAS.

I'm happy to hear the great news!!!

Amy

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 05, 2015 2:51 pm 
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Thank you, Amy!
Tiki, you're absolutely right about me chasing my daughter. This is going to take some time getting her to adjust. She likes him, but she gets really jealous too. Each day seems to get better with her, but she doesn't understand that she can't just touch his eyeball or lay on top of him haha
I've been having a lot of pain plus the baby blues and horrible lack of sleep. So I've been taking more than I'm prescribed, which means I'll run out :( my doctor refused to increase my dose. I wonder if I called and told him I've been having to take double and therefore won't make it last till my next appointment, if he would help or just get pissed? He also wouldn't give me anti depressants. I wanted to punch him in the face.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 05, 2015 3:07 pm 
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GiveMeHope congrats on baby boy!!!!!!

Yay I am so glad everything turned out great. I know u had a really emotional time leading up to his birth and u worried urself sick. Wow I bet ur so glad that's over and hopefully will never worry about this again. Also it was kept private and only between u and the staff. Everything seems like it went great and I am so happy for u!! I remember those baby blues but hopefully they'll taper away soon.

So happy for u, keep us posted on how ur doing. Any support u need, we're here for ya :)

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 08, 2015 4:56 pm 
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Hi GMH,

I would have congratulated you sooner, but I just now had time to read your post. I'm sooooo happy for you! What a relief that you didn't have problems with your hospital staff. :D

I'm not sure what to tell you about your sub doctor. If he refused to increase your dose then he may not be happy about you running out early. I don't agree with him, but I can't make him see reason. :?

Take it easy, and try to supplement with aleve for your pain issues, I'm pretty sure that will be safe for your baby but you may want to google it first. Oh, and the jealous big sister will get better with him soon. At least until he is old enough to walk and talk and steal her toys, then you'll have a whole new issue on your hands!

Q

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 09, 2015 7:31 am 
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Good Morning

I have a question or two...when did you ask the doctor to increase your dose?

Can you call & tell him you have a lot of pain that Advil (or whatever) isn't covering because you have no help with your 2 year old & newborn and wondering if you could increase your dose temporarily (the first 4 weeks after giving birth) ? If he says yes then mention you will need a new/different script...

When is your next appointment?

Trying to think of how you could ask without letting the doctor know. If it was a woman who had given birth i bet she would understand but i don't know about men LOL

Have you been on an anti depressant before?

It's hard to make that adjustment from 1 child to 2 children but it evens it self out.

Big Hugs


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 19, 2015 5:48 pm 
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Thank you girls!!
Just wanted to check in and give a quick update. Breast feeding definitely keeps NAS at bay. My supply was next to nothing so I had to quit breast feeding about 10 days ago. The day after I quit, my little guy was miserable. Crying inconsolably, fever, pooping 20+ times a day which caused a bad rash, tight muscles, mottling. It was a horrible 7 days. I took him to his dr and told him what was going on and he said he didn't think he needed medication but to keep him as comfortable as I could. He did say to give him Tylenol every 6 hours till the fever subsided. Baby is feeling much better now. Symptoms are gone except for sneezing.
Mothers on bupe-- PLEASE breast feed if at possible. It was agonizing to watch him writhe in discomfort and equally as hard on my nerves.
At this point I'm ready to perform my own hysterectomy!! But seriously, I'm glad this is all behind me


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