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PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2011 4:24 pm 
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So what began as simply my mother discouraging me from seeking counseling has resulted in her forcing me to miss my latest appointment with my doctor.

I spoke on the forums somewhat recently about my mother's views concerning counseling, and it being a "self-indulgent, obsessive, pointless waste of time", and saying that I should simply take the suboxone, get a new job, and "forget about it and move on". She is a stubborn, pig-headed woman who defends her position and refusal to research or even be SHOWN anything concerning the nature and benefits of counseling by clinging to her "religious" beliefs. According to her, such counseling is in opposition to the fundamentals of Christianity. :roll:

I tried educating her on the matter, she stuck her fingers in her ears and refused to give up her ignorance on the subject. I spoke to my father, who seemed much more receptive concerning this matter. He was supposed to talk to her and get her to change her perspective, but is rather cowardly when it comes to conflict, especially when it comes to my mother, his wife.

Anyway, ever since I advocated counseling to her, she has had a piss-poor attitude towards me. She no longer encourages me nor offers any positive reinforcement as to the progress I've been making. She takes every opportunity she can to criticize me about some stupid petty thing or other- last time it was her grousing about the top to the milk disappearing. :x Finally I simply told her that I was not the one responsible, and that I did not want to talk about it anymore. She said "Oh excuse me your majesty!" and, as I was walking away, "...punk!" :roll: :lol: I swear, this woman has the mentality of a 14 year old middle-school snot.

The tension between us finally erupted this morning, when she was supposed to drive me to my appointment, as my significant-other is currently out of town (and I do not have a driver's license). She was being something of a bitch to me all morning, and when she heard me venting over the phone to a friend, she burst into the room and told me she was "about to just drop [me]". When I responded by telling her that yeah, I could tell that's how she's been feeling, she said she would NOT bring me to my Dr.'s appointment and slammed the door.

I called my father who eventually came home from work, but automatically and predictably sided with her before even inquiring as to what had happened between us. I don't know why he even bothered to come home. When we sat down to "discuss" what had happened, my mother simply re-wrote history to make herself sound as though she'd been supportive and rational the entire time.

Rather than lose my shit, I took a call from my care coach instead, who eventually calmed me down and offered strategies as to how to deal with this situation by saying I should get us focusing on the /future/ and where to go from here as opposed to re-hashing the past and determining how we /got/ here. But by the time I returned to speak with them, they were both in the process of leaving the house. My father going back to work, my mother going to get her nails done. -.-

I think it is disgusting the way they withheld treatment out of spite, and the way my father threw me under the bus because- by his own admittance!- he was more concerned with keeping the peace between the two of them than for whatever happens to me.

The problem with my mother is that she is on disability, and so is on a constant, legal regimen of the heavy mind and mood-altering drugs, the same that my brother and I happened to become addicted to.

While I eventually sought treatment, for my brother's addiction they have contented themselves with illegally procuring through the internet a steady supply of his DOC, and dole it out to him daily. I think part of my mother's problem is that she is afraid of having an ugly light cast on what is actually a rather shady and unhealthy situation. My father knows it is a fucked up situation, and not an actual solution, but doesn't want to rock the boat.

I'm sick to death of their bullshit, and astounded that they would let petty bullshit and self-preservation stand in the way of my access to what has so far been very successful medical treatment. I'm about to lose my shit, and it looks like I won't be able to continue in my suboxone treatment much longer. I am very discouraged, and don't know how to go about dealing with this, nor for how much longer I can continue even trying to.

I'm sure I've left a lot out, but I can't handle delving into this any further at the moment.

My care coach advocated utilizing every other source of support to which I have access, and she knows this forum has certainly been one of those. <3

So any advice or opinions concerning my mind-bogglingly frustrating situation would be greatly appreciated...

 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2011 5:47 pm 
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I'm so sorry you're in the middle of this battle. I can hear your frustration and hurt, which is perfectly natural under the circumstances. The thing is, people don't like change. This also applies when the people around them make changes for the better. It's simply more comfortable to stick with the familiarity of the status quo. Unfortunately your situation is complicated further by the addition of drugs into the mix (their drug use). The fact that you have changed is indicative that perhaps they NEED to change. That would be my take on why they are being so stubborn.

It sucks that your dad is also not be rational about this. I think you must adjust your expectations. They've proven that they are not going to be supportive in your recovery. And if you feel you need therapy, then that is your decision and anyone in your life should be supportive of that. It shows you want to improve yourself and should be commended.

I'm sorry I can't offer you any precise ways to deal with this. They (or she) is the one with the problem, so they will have to learn to adjust their behavior, not you. At least that's how I see it. If a person has a shortcoming, they should change and not the people around them.

Lastly, although I wholeheartedly support anyone going to therapy, are you aware of studies that Dr. Junig has shared with us that show that therapy has no effect on the success or failure of one's opiate addiction recovery/remission? Personally I think whether or not therapy is merited depends on the individual person, but if you look at addiction as a medical problem, therapy is not necessary (at least according to such studies as well as the position of Dr. J). If a person has diabetes or high blood pressure, would they be going to therapy to help with the condition or illness? No. I only wanted to mention this to you. I believe Dr. Junig posted about this study either in his blog or under the Links section.

I hope you can find a way to come to terms with this and be able to use the supports you DO have. Just try not to soak up the negativity that your mother is exuding. Good luck to you and take care.

-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

 Post subject: empathize
PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2011 6:13 pm 
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Joined: Thu Nov 25, 2010 6:39 pm
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Hey there,

I certainly empathize with a dysfunctional family and not getting support that is healthy. Just to be clear you said you probably will have to stop Sub that because you cannot get to the dr. appointments? Your SO is out of town, is that who usually brings you? when do you get a license? (or license back?)

I have to say it seems like you handled things really well for what you have to deal with. Not having support is really tough and your mom sounds just like you said, a 14 year disrepsect...but that is just not easy to deal with. Then to not be able to rely on dad cuz he doesn't want to rock the boat...well...there a probably a lot of us here who grew up with this kind of family "system" and who might still be in it or have a marriage like it....that's one that that is really hard and that is when someone in the family (and addiction IS a family disease) gets well it changes the dynamics and the usual "roles" get challenged, people react or respond most of the time negatively unless they, too, are seeking some kind of treatment or therapy. So, its not just your family but you sound so level headed about it and have a good understanding of it and that's impressive. If she is using, too, or taking meds and then also giving to your brother lot going on there.

I had a tough time growing up with a mom who pretty much pitted all of us against each other and she was never "wrong"...there was no telling her how we felt, not how we really felt anyway. So you do what you can to "get along"....kinda like it sounds like your dad is doing...have you ever talked to him just one on one about it?

But you are doing only what you can do...and that's take care of you. If you don't mind my asking how old are you? If you are a legal adult at least then you have a few more options in a sense...and venting here is at least cathartic for you hopefully. Sometimes there are therapists who do phone visits and some do online depends so if you have access and its not a money issue maybe you can do something like that. Just an idea. There are also online AA/NA, SMART things like that if you can't get to a meeting if you are utilizing those's a way to get some support and continue to work on your recovery and your mental health.

I like that you sound like you didn't really "engage" with your mom when she gets kinda pissy or unhealthy sounding...that's a nowhere road for sure. Its like trying to talk to someone who's drunk or high....not really useful. I think not engaging with some of that stuff will keep you feeling more positive.

Hope you continue to write about your feelings and I'm sure you'll get a lot of support here....

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Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

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  • Asst Clinical Professor, Medical College of Wisconsin

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