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PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 1:17 pm 
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Made it to ONE MONTH and a few days! It is crazy to think how slow this last month has gone by. I actually like it. I remember when I was using and thinking that almost a year had flown by, and how much time I really wasted. Honestly, that year went by so damn fast that I was scared. I realized that if I kept using that my whole life was going to fly by. And it would fly by with no motivation to do things in life, without setting goals, without having a baby, putting my health in more danger, being true to God or for that matter even being close to him and the thoughts and lists went on and on.

Just to back up a bit, I know I have spoke to some of you about “my story” but I haven’t really posted it yet..so I will try and make it brief and give you the facts.

September 2009 (my birthday month)
I had been taking tramadol for the past few months for horrible cramps and was having a bunch of different procedures and a biopsy of my cervix. I normally wouldn’t take the trramadol more than 2 days in a row. I never knew there was a such thing as withdrawal. I knew what I was taking made me feel great but that was about it. In the past, I had phases where I would drink every day and noticed that quickly. My mom always warned me to be careful as my biological dad was an addict. September was a painful month for me. I was in so much pain that I missed a bunch of work and was having a ton of tests. I went through a 10 day stretch where I took tramadol. Day 11…..I was out of tramadol and thought nothing of it. This day was my birthday party that my love had all planned for me. I realized quickly what withdrawal was. I talked to some friends about it and how pissed I was to be sick on my bday party. I learned that any opiate would make me feel well again. I quickly decided I needed to find something fast. No luck…I could not find any pills. Someone told me they had H and that would be HELP. I barely had heard of heroin and I had no clue it was an opiate. I don’t know why but I figured I would try it, not feel sick and have some fun on my birthday. My husband (who I was only dating then) said he would do it with me…but only once and that we couldn’t do it 2 days in a row and we needed to be careful. That night, I fell in love with Heroin.

The next 10 months or so was full of using daily, going from smoking to snorting to plugging (majority of my using time) and on to shooting. It was full of chasing after dealers, waiting for hours, being sick, selling really special things for money, having no money, being happy, being depressed, being high, hiding it from everyone except my husband, almost losing my job, being effed over, having 400 dollars taken after being handed a bag of dirt, losing my passion for modeling, being screwed over some more, selling, being sick on vacations cuz you never bring enough……you guys know. The hardest part was keeping this from my mom.

I tried quitting so many times. SO MANY. Seemed like it was every weekend. I even tried with suboxone but I could never get through that first day and I was also not taking it properly. Failed attempts left me depressed, out of money, hurting, and every time gave me less hope that I could ever get clean. I really started to think it would just be easier to be ok with using and at least plan on buying it all the time. Not like I could afford it. I started to get really sick. Every morning was wheezing, vomiting, crying, chest pain and increased heart rate. Doctors could not figure it out but I never told them I was using.

September 2010
My husband and I knew we needed to seek help. This could not be done on our own. I started calling around. Got info to that led me to NA and a start with opening up! From there I got the resources I needed to go to a great clinic that helped me go through detox and get on suboxone. The first few days were hell as I had a kidney infection. I was also afraid that the chest pain and wheezing would be hard to deal with but miraculously the first day of detox I woke up with ZERO symptoms except normal WD. I prayed so much the night before detox and so did my family, as I finally confessed my secret. I know God was with me. My husband detoxed on his own and then got on suboxone and has been such a huge help with all this. I am so happy with the decision to get on suboxone and have my life back. The rough times only make me stronger. It is hard work but so worth it.

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 3:04 pm 
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Congrats on your one month milestone, and thank you for sharing your story. I'm so glad you found your way out of the hell you were living, and I'm so happy to know that Suboxone is working well for you.

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 3:45 pm 
Miss H - congratulations on your month of sobriety and thanks for sharing your story. I hope those lurkers and newcomers out there will read it and realize that you CAN reach out for help. You don't have to wait until you're in jail, bankrupt, lost your family, etc. to realize your life is getting out of control. You just KNOW in your heart that you've become addicted and you're not going to be able to quit on your own. Maybe someone reading this today will pick up the phone and make that call.
Keep up the good work, and keep posting :D
Lilly


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 6:12 pm 
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Location: Portland OR
Thank you both for reading and the kind words. This site has helped me SO MUCH. I remember on of my first hard days, I came straight on here and felt so much better after reading through a few posts and writing on myself. For me, this works much better than NA because I feel like I actually open up and get things out of my head. I am also not shy to ask questions or speak up. I would feel so thrilled to know that I helped someone decide to get clean!

P.s. I have 2 photo shoots coming up too and I am really excited!

Jessica

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 8:01 pm 
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OMG, what an amazing, inspiring story! Congrats on the month, but really, thanks for putting that out there. I was actually moved by your honesty and sincerity. Keep on keeping on. :D :D :D


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 22, 2010 1:02 pm 
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aww Thanks junkie!! That makes me smile soooooooooooo big!!

GUESS WHAT ELSE!?!?!?

I got promoted yesterday! Yep! Moving from the plain ol smilin front desk girl to our CEO's assistant! YAYAYAYAYAYYAYAY

I am freakin out and I just love you guys!

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 22, 2010 3:04 pm 
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That's great news! One of the great benefits of suboxone for me has been a greatly improved level of performance at work. The last two years have been two of the best years ever for me professionally. I've been able to accomplish so many things I never thought I'd accomplish.

I'm glad you are also having professional success, MiisH. :D


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2011 7:05 pm 
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WOW

I thought it would be cool to read "my story" from almost a year ago. September 22 will mark one year clean!

And I have a baby on the way - 30 weeks pregnant.....I never thought life could be this good. I remember being so afraid of relapsing, thinking it happened to most people but I have steered clear of it happening to me.

Thanks to all who have supported me and helped me get this far!

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 09, 2011 12:39 am 
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Wow, what an inspiring story. In your first post you list the things you want to do in life and here you are a year later making it happen! Congratulations on your coming baby! Being a mom is the most amazing feeling in the world. You experience a love so deep and pure you never thought possible. Also Congrats on a year sober, this next year will be even better!


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 16, 2011 5:54 am 
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thanks for sharing!! you done a good job summing up a life of an addict right down to the "T" although opitates and how to abuse them vary from person to person the hell that comes with them doesn't. sounds like your on the right track good spouse, seeking higher power, and the use of buep. all those things helped me also. and although it sounds crazy going through addiction has made me a better person today. i have seen the side of life that is dark and it has helped me find myself. we build our strength and faith from our low points you never know if someone close to ya may suffer from the same thing one day and i am glad i will be open and know the right steps to take(just hope its never my daughter or wife). maybe things do happen for a reason. i wish you the best in your recovery and your close relationship with God. oh yeah that vacation shiat does suck!!


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