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 Post subject: OMG! I am so depressed
PostPosted: Sun May 08, 2011 10:37 pm 
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I have so much crap going on in my life. i don't know how much more I can take. I am getting bombed by everything and everyone. I cannot stop crying. I need a good counselor but I HATE going through that. I have never found one that I could stay with and I have only tried a couple of times. I have some serious past issues from childhood, low self esteem. I told my husband today that I was so sorry that you got stuck with me. I've been screwed up my whole life. It's so painful bringing up those old memories. It's damn shameful. I want to be free of these medications so bad!!! I'm a freaking mess right now. Antidepressants don't work for me anymore. I have been on everything over the last 20 years.

God. I just had to put this out there somewhere, where I thought someone would care and listen. I need to get this hurt out of my body and my heart.

Thanks for letting me vent!!!

Has anyone tried Abilify? That's the last thing I need is another medication, but I'm dying inside!


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PostPosted: Sun May 08, 2011 11:55 pm 
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I'm sorry you are hurting, toothy. Depression really sucks. I have struggled with it for most of my life, so I definitely feel ya.

Reaching out for help is great though, and so is therapy or medication if you think you need them. I take meds (Wellbutrin) and they have honestly saved my ass many times. And I know that it is a major pain to find a good therapist, but it is so worth it.

For right now though, I'm wondering if there is anything you can do for yourself just to help you get through the next little while? For me, a hot bath and a good book can get me through a bad day. Or calling a friend or family member, taking a walk...whatever works for you. What have you done in the past to help you get through?

Write back and let us know how you're doing. We're here for you!

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PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2011 1:48 am 
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Wow, ((((HUGS))) sweetie!! It hits me right in the heart to read that. I so identify with you. I've struggled with depression and it seems to be coming back again. It's so unreasonable. What you said to your husband about getting stuck with you....wow, I was literally thinking that same sort of thing today.

I don't know much about Abilify. I urge you to be careful when choosing a med. Even antidepressants can be tough to get off of. Which ones have you tried and did any seem to help at all? There are the regular ones and then the dual action ones, like Effexor. Look, I totally understand not wanting to add another med. However, at some point, you just have no other choice. I started me taper absolutely opposed to taking an antidepressant, but guess what? I'm going on one soon. I need it and pretending I don't is just lying to myself. It's not about being weak or strong. It takes strength to admit you can't go with your original plan and need some extra help.

I think you need some help chemically, most likely. Then, there is the life changes department. You are not a bad person and you are not undeserving. People like you are typically the NICEST of people and yet beat themselves up the most. It's so backwards. So, you have to start giving yourself more credit and stop the negative self-talk. You have to physically change things. Go outside. Go walk and feel the sun. Like DOAQ said, take a nice, long bath and listen to music while you are in there.

Okay, so my head space sucked today too. I had no clue what to do, but I HAD to do something. Went for a long walk by the river and listened to the water. Dug around in the dirt a little. Downloaded some new music. Stopped cleaning up the kitchen and went upstairs and just played with my kids. Played some pool and some foosball and lost miserably but laughed my butt off doing it. Then, we came down and watched Despicable Me and laughed my butt off again. It felt good. I didn't want to do any of those things beforehand. You have to sometimes force yourself to do something when you feel like doing nothing, but then you are so glad you did. Your husband doesn't love you do no reason. You have to know you have many beautiful things about you. What a waste of our lives to have other people see the good in us when we don't appreciate it ourselves, huh? I'll never figure out why in the world we beat ourselves up so mercilessly. We don't deserve it, you know?

Thanks for posting about this and I just hope you feel less alone after getting some responses. You are not alone. I promise!!

laddertipper

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First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald


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 Post subject: Thank you both
PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2011 10:04 pm 
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Thank you for that lil pep talk. I am reading your responses almost 24 hrs later. You guys made me tear up a bit. I went back to work today and i actually had a really good day. Yesterday, being Mothers Day, started off crappy, the middle was great!!, then night time sucked again! I could write a book here, and I wouldn't even know where to start.

Right now I am on Zoloft 200 mgs. and a host of other meds I take for cholesterol, heart rhythm, BP. I was just wondering if Abilify would help to boost the anti depressant meds since I have been on them so long. I have been on the double chemical meds like Effexor and they have done nothing for me, in fact, I felt worse on those.

It's just been a really crappy week with the heart cath, which came out fine by the way. Stopping the sub from 6 mgs. in two weeks didn't help at all. It was not a pleasant experience and it hurt (the cath). Then starting friday night I was going into some pretty major WD's from the sub, sore from surgery and I had to end up taking a tiny chip just to see if I could get a couple hours sleep. Then this morning around 4 after laying awake again most of the night I took 1 mg. this a.m. and had a decent but tiring day at work. I just have to do this much slower and I know WD's make you feel even worse and I really do beat myself up. I have never been able to LOVE ME!! Now I'm crying again. I just feel defeated sometimes by life and all the crap I have been through in the last two years. Again, I would not even know where to start, there is so much hurt, anger, frustration, worrying, depression.

The ONE positive thing I am really happy about is my daughter comes from college in 1 week. I am so happy to have her back in my life again. We are 1300 miles apart right now.

I want to thank both of you for the nice comments, crying again. It's so HARD for me to take in anything good or praise of any kind. I think that is what becomes of victims of child abuse. I do beat myself up and I am a NICE PERSON! There that felt good. You guys are too sweet and I really do feel better even while shedding a few tears. I just hope I can sleep tonight.

<3,
CC


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PostPosted: Tue May 10, 2011 7:48 pm 
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Toothy- Believe me, I know just how you feel! I had a nervous breakdown at work last month. It was pretty scary, I'm surprised I didn't lose my job. With all the misery, you have 2 wonderful things I don't: A Husband and a Daughter. I have no family and not many friends and the few I have, are not very understanding or caring. After my breakdown at work, I realized I had to CUT DOWN on the Subs. They make you an emotional WRECK! They reek havoc on my hormones. I have been taking xanax to go to sleep for years, but very, very rarely during the day. I started to "experiment" w/ the xanax and subs. I can not speak for anyone else but myself, but I have to say- I think I found the absolute perfect combination/mixture and it has changed me completely as a person! I don't know if this will work for everyone and I strongly don't recommend it unless you have a high tolerance for mixing RX. .... When I wake up in the morning I take 4mg of Sub and 1mg of Xanax. At lunch, I repeat the same ... depending on whether or not I feel my heart beating rapidly (2mg's of xanax) or I am just absolutely calm(1mg of xanax) ... I always swallow the xanax first, wait 2 mins... then suck on the sub. (BTW: I have to say "under the tongue" doesn't work for "everybody" - I suck on my sub like it's a lifesaver candy-until it's completely dissolved- that works best for me...) I have also, taken up to 6mg and 3 mg of xanax at one time and felt great! In short, the xanax completely balances out my mood and makes me feel 100% "Normal". If I am not "normal" I am really happy, but not "high" happy. This combination has changed my life in a month. But it's not like an anti-depressent where you have to wait a month, it's an immediate feeling of calm and no depression- instantly. I am sure everybody at work, thinks I am definitely "ON" or "OFF" drugs since a month ago. They think I am a different person.... Hope this helps. Believe me, I contemplated suicide a month ago, so I completely sympathize with you, Toothy! Take Care!!!


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PostPosted: Tue May 10, 2011 7:50 pm 
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Toothy- Believe me, I know just how you feel! I had a nervous breakdown at work last month. It was pretty scary, I'm surprised I didn't lose my job. With all the misery, you have 2 wonderful things I don't: A Husband and a Daughter. I have no family and not many friends and the few I have, are not very understanding or caring. After my breakdown at work, I realized I had to CUT DOWN on the Subs. They make you an emotional WRECK! They reek havoc on my hormones. I have been taking xanax to go to sleep for years, but very, very rarely during the day. I started to "experiment" w/ the xanax and subs. I can not speak for anyone else but myself, but I have to say- I think I found the absolute perfect combination/mixture and it has changed me completely as a person! I don't know if this will work for everyone and I strongly don't recommend it unless you have a high tolerance for mixing RX. .... When I wake up in the morning I take 4mg of Sub and 1mg of Xanax. At lunch, I repeat the same ... depending on whether or not I feel my heart beating rapidly (2mg's of xanax) or I am just absolutely calm(1mg of xanax) ... I always swallow the xanax first, wait 2 mins... then suck on the sub. (BTW: I have to say "under the tongue" doesn't work for "everybody" - I suck on my sub like it's a lifesaver candy-until it's completely dissolved- that works best for me...) I have also, taken up to 6mg and 3 mg of xanax at one time and felt great! In short, the xanax completely balances out my mood and makes me feel 100% "Normal". If I am not "normal" I am really happy, but not "high" happy. This combination has changed my life in a month. But it's not like an anti-depressent where you have to wait a month, it's an immediate feeling of calm and no depression- instantly. I am sure everybody at work, thinks I am definitely "ON" or "OFF" drugs since a month ago. They think I am a different person.... Hope this helps. Believe me, I contemplated suicide a month ago, so I completely sympathize with you, Toothy! Take Care!!!


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 Post subject: Aw...
PostPosted: Tue May 10, 2011 9:26 pm 
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Under, I hardly ever see my husband because he works nights and my daughter left for college last JUne. So I don't see them a lot but I do have their support and it means the world to me. Losing my daughter to college last year was so hard on me. We are close and I love her with every fiber in me (probably too much) and I am so happy that I gave her a childhood that may have not been ideal, but was 1000000x better than mine. We have sacrificed so much for her to go to a college where she wanted. My husband lost his business in 08 and we had to file bankruptcy and there went my great credit. Could get no parent loans, hell, I can't get ANY loan. It's like starting over at 50. Plus a whole ton more of stuff that I could sit here and type forever. I will spare you and believe me, you would thank me. Then I have had all kinds of stuff with my heart and I'm just tired. My only true friend moved away and i rarely get to see her. I am kind of a loner anyway which isn't good for depression. I have social anxiety. I really do need to exercise. I know it would make me feel better. I'm sorry I'm rambling.

Xanax and me don't do well. When i went into detox two years ago, I was hooked on those something terrible plus OXY's. I take something that is none addictive for anxiety and it works good for me. PLEASE...be careful with those bad boys. You can get addicted very quickly to those. Good luck at work. Thanks for talking w me.

CC


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PostPosted: Tue May 10, 2011 10:12 pm 
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Wow, Underworld, please be careful! I just read your post and am very concerned. What you describe is not only dangerous but very likely is active addiction. Taking a benzo like Xanax long term is not a good idea to begin with. Taking Xanax along with Suboxone is even more dangerous and concerning. Taking it in response to how you feel, in higher than prescribed doses (3mg at a time) and in an effort to "feel great" would be considered by many to be self-medicating and active addiction. It sounds like you are really having some struggles. I mean nothing other than to help you here and perhaps have you see the situation from a different view. I'm sorry that I really don't know much about you or remember having read other posts from you. I just really worry about anyone taking Xanax along with Sub and when you thrown in everything else, including the higher than prescribed doses and it can become dangers and even deadly. I really hope you are able to get some help. I don't want to see you or anyone else harmed by self-medicating. After all, self medicating is what got many of us into the situations we are in.


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PostPosted: Tue May 10, 2011 10:29 pm 
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I've struggled with major depression my whole adult life, too. I'm currently taking Abilify in addition to my antidepressant and I have to say it's helped me considerably. Very often with antidepressants it's trial and error, which I know sucks. Try to be patient with the meds and do some things for yourself - such as journaling, taking walks, etc. And I think it's worth it to find the "right" therapist. Good luck and take care.

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PostPosted: Tue May 10, 2011 11:26 pm 
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[b][i]

Oh Toothy,
Please be very careful. I know for me,if I like something that much when it comes to drugs that I'm going to end up in trouble. Having a combination of drugs that make me feel good stands a good chance that I'll abuse it.
That's what got me in this mess. I liked the many pain pills I took.

I know we all have a path we have to walk but please be careful.

Please let us know how you doing.


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PostPosted: Tue May 10, 2011 11:29 pm 
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Toothy,I'am so sorry. I typed the wrong name. Please accept my apology.


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PostPosted: Wed May 11, 2011 8:07 pm 
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Thanks to all those concerned about my combination of medication. Toothy, I understand, but you are not alone. Don't look at it as if you are starting over at 50... you are just entering a new chapter of your life. Once you hit rock bottom, there is no where else to go but up. You have support and that can make all the difference in the world, believe me! I have none. Truly, no family or friends. I most likely lost my friends due to my addiction. I know they all think I'm crazy(a side effect of the drugs...), but as Albert Einstein said: "A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?"

I really appreciate the apathy! I know what I am taking may sound overboard, but believe me- 20 years of addiction to everything under the sun... Only taking these 2 meds in comparison to what I use to do is like taking 2 aspirin a day. When I say I feel very good or great, I don't mean "high" at all! I honestly just feel really, really normal. It feels like when I was a teenager pre-drugs. To me... feeling great, is feeling "normal". I do know how addictive xanax is but I just can't take the Sub alone anymore- even in small doses. I sweat, I talk to much (which gets me in trouble at work) I get very emotional, and I know others view me as a drug addict. With the xanax- I have no other way to put it, but I feel absolutely normal- just like everyone else (who is drug-free). I have know for a very long time I need to see a therapist, but money and time are the big issues with me.

If I can get anyone's opinion on this: after taking xanax for a couple of years now- (4 years of .5mg to go to sleep and about a month of the higher daily does) I have yet to experience any of the so called "bad" side effects. If I were to take it until I can ween myself off the Subs (which could possibly take 6 months to a year- I don't like giving myself a deadline because then I will beat myself up if I don't succeed) how much harm am I doing to my body? Is it really that much worse than anti-depressents or even Sub itself? If I switch to an anti-depressent, do you think it would have a similar effect as the xanax? I have never taken an anti-depress before.
Thank so much for your support!!


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PostPosted: Wed May 11, 2011 11:48 pm 
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underworld15 wrote:
Thanks to all those concerned about my combination of medication. Toothy, I understand, but you are not alone. Don't look at it as if you are starting over at 50... you are just entering a new chapter of your life. Once you hit rock bottom, there is no where else to go but up. You have support and that can make all the difference in the world, believe me! I have none. Truly, no family or friends. I most likely lost my friends due to my addiction. I know they all think I'm crazy(a side effect of the drugs...), but as Albert Einstein said: "A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?"

I really appreciate the apathy! I know what I am taking may sound overboard, but believe me- 20 years of addiction to everything under the sun... Only taking these 2 meds in comparison to what I use to do is like taking 2 aspirin a day. When I say I feel very good or great, I don't mean "high" at all! I honestly just feel really, really normal. It feels like when I was a teenager pre-drugs. To me... feeling great, is feeling "normal". I do know how addictive xanax is but I just can't take the Sub alone anymore- even in small doses. I sweat, I talk to much (which gets me in trouble at work) I get very emotional, and I know others view me as a drug addict. With the xanax- I have no other way to put it, but I feel absolutely normal- just like everyone else (who is drug-free). I have know for a very long time I need to see a therapist, but money and time are the big issues with me.

If I can get anyone's opinion on this: after taking xanax for a couple of years now- (4 years of .5mg to go to sleep and about a month of the higher daily does) I have yet to experience any of the so called "bad" side effects. If I were to take it until I can ween myself off the Subs (which could possibly take 6 months to a year- I don't like giving myself a deadline because then I will beat myself up if I don't succeed) how much harm am I doing to my body? Is it really that much worse than anti-depressents or even Sub itself? If I switch to an anti-depressent, do you think it would have a similar effect as the xanax? I have never taken an anti-depress before.
Thank so much for your support!!


Sheesh, I hope some of the medically trained people come along and answer this soon.

Although I'm not medically trained, I know for a fact that you are setting yourself up for a bad time of it. Seriously. And please don't think I'm judging you, because I'm not. This is your life, and you can do what you want. I just don't want you to suffer down the road because you don't know what you are getting into. I take a benzo and Sub too, just like you. I take Klonopin, though, which might work better for you, especially if you want to transition to an antidepressant to control your anxiety. Klonopin is a steady-type med. There are far fewer ups and downs, unlike with Xanax. I don't know why people like Xanax though, because it makes me feel horrible...knocked out, dark, and then rebound anxiety. Klonipin gently seems to control anxiety without that nasty 'coming to' feeling. It's easier to taper the Klonopin because it does have a long half life. I can take my Klonopin anytime during the day because it's so long lasting. I forget sometimes, but no big deal. It doesn't send me into crazy anxiety because it doesn't leave the body too quickly. I'm wondering if maybe you could switch to Klonopin and then also start an antidepressant to control your anxiety. I've met plenty of people at DRA meetings who successfully went from using Xanax to using something like Paxil for anxiety and had their symptoms well controlled. You could switch to Klonopin and get comfortable, then start an another med (like Paxil) for anxiety, and once that started working, you could maybe taper down on the Klonopin and just do the best you can with it.

One thing I want to make clear is that I really recognize that you have an underlying medical condition, probably an anxiety disorder. It is a REAL condition that warrants good treatment. It's not 'in you head'. You deserve to feel good and balanced and not anxious. I hope you have a decent doctor who will take this seriously and help you figure out how to handle it all in the healthiest way. I commend your honesty about this and I wish you the very, very best!!

laddertipper

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