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PostPosted: Sat Mar 10, 2012 2:19 pm 
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So, my 3 yr old son had 4 teeth pulled yesterday.
When we had the 'consult' for his surgery, they were only going to take ONE, and cap the other teeth.

Well, apparently that was Plan A, and they had no choice but to go with Plan B.
Which, I understand, they ARE his baby teeth, and if we were to leave'm in, then they'd ROT the permanent ones, which is what started ,my bad dental situation, SO I totally get it.

BUT damn, hes got 4 missing teeth on TOP in th FRONT.
I just feel awful.
See, he was a premie, and ONLY slept 3 to 4 hours at a time, EVEN AT A YEAR OLD...... so when he was coming off the bottle, I gave him a 'sippy cup' which the doctor told me was 'ok' but to get rid of very soon.
well, I was of course fucked up, and seemed like every time I was gonna break him of it, I'd be in W/D usually from methadone, or dilluad. I'd go back in forth in those days,
SO that was PROBLEM ONE

Problem 2,,,,
we live in the country, and by the time our water gets here, theres a TRACE amt of flouride.
And, I had no idea, or did I listen when he was young, that he needed flouride. I wasnt about to buy the water thats 4 bucks a gallon with the flouride in it!! I had to have money for 'other shit'
terrible I know,,, believe me, Ive punished self real good.

So he had to go under gen anthesia, however you spell it, 4 teeth pulled, and two other fillings. but they got everything, which is great.

I just FEEL SO FUCKING BAD today. he smiles at me, without those teeth, and my heart falls to the floor.
Im getting my teeth fixed right now too, its a process getting dentures though. a long one.

and I remind myself, I dont want him having dentures at 30, so this is what had to happen, and if anybody says anything, Im just gonna say he knocked'm out on his bike or something,

I just wish I could do something,. but I cant.
what I can do, is take him to the dentist regularly, help him brush (he totally loves to now, especially if you brush at the same time) AND take him for flouride treatments twice a year.......

and belive me, I will be doing these things.

but know what ?????
I still feel like a pile of shit that this had to happen.

it wasnt bad til he was coming OUT of surgery. had an IV, he wasnt quite awake, not quite asleep. it was 5pm, and hadnt had ANYTHING to eat since night before.
so he was screaming, "TIME TO GO HOME MAMA"
we were two hours from home, in the 'big city' to boot.
and trying to RIP that IV outta his arm,
and IM HUNGRY NOW MAMA
it was awfull, the blood running from his mouth, all the screaming,
It took me the 2 hour drive home to 'get it together'

this has proved to be just another fine example of what my 9+ years of opiate addiction, and the shit tornado
that followed me, left behind in its" path"........ {thats what I honestly see in my head when I think of those days}

this morning he's better. he's eating applesauce and stuff. he's still very 'snuggly' and just wants to lay on me. And thats just fine....

He wants the 'incredibles' movie, been asking about it for months, so Im gonna take him to get it, and probly whatever else he wants today!!!!!
thanks for letting me share, I really needed to get that shit off my chest....... :?

time to go buy a movie :)

_________________
anyone can give up,
its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to
hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
That's TRUE STRENGTH
http://almostoneyearclean.blogspot.com/


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 10, 2012 10:45 pm 
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Hey Amber,

I know this is much easier said than done, but I think you need to stop crucifying yourself for what happened during your addiction to opiates. I'm NOT saying to forget what happened, just keep working on moving through those feelings of guilt and shame about what happened during those times, don't get stuck in that rut of self-pity because that's a one way street back to drugs. Know what I mean?

To me, you sound like a fantastic mommy, slightly nuts, but fantastic nonetheless!! :D

You're coming up on 1 year off of drugs, look at all the amazing things that you've accomplished over the past year. Think of all the wonderful things that are now available to you and your son now that you're off of drugs. Y'all have a wonderful future to look forward to. Dude, you're a miracle!!

I'm glad you came on here and posted about this experience, getting that shit out in the open is good for the soul, just try not to dwell on it for too long. It's in the past, not much you can do about it now, but your future is certainly wide open, so make it a good one!!

Take care Homebread!! :D

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 11, 2012 8:10 am 
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Trust me, I know how you feel..the same things you mentioned are probably the same reason that I feel so strongly towards this new little girl that we just brought home 3 weeks ago (wow..she's already THREE WEEKS OLD...OMG)...

I screwed things up SO badly when my others were born, and during the "infant" times of their lives..I was a total wreck on opiates..chasing pills and shit....EVERYTHING I did revolved around my pills, and I made that apparent. I didn't care for NOBODY but myself, and that was SO OBVIOUS..and I was that neglectful SOB that you generally think about in that situation. That was me..and even I can't stand to think of myself and what I was like back then. When my youngest son was born..in 2005, he had to spend a week at the local hospital (which is only like 15 minutes away)...he didn't have to be sent up to an NICU in Birmingham, but it was bad enough that he was here in the local hospital. I was VERY much active in my addiction..and my wife got discharged from the hospital after 3 days of being there (normal delivery, no complications for her)...so we had to leave and come back to visit our baby...

WELL...high-as-fuck me...I didn't want to hardly take her to the hospital to see our baby..I would go up there and stay like 10-15 minutes, then I was ready to leave and go home (or actually, to her mom's because we couldn't pay our bills, so we were living with her parents...)
I probably had pills to buy or something to pawn..but either way, I had something better to do than spend time at the hospital with my newborn son..and I hate myself for being that way back then...

But, when this little girl was born, and we got told that she was being sent to Brookwood NICU an hour away...I was on the spot. My wife actually had to beg me to come home those last couple of days we were in the hospital with Reagan..
This is fresh on my memory because it just happened..but I remember getting a little irate with my wife because she wanted to come home and sleep in our bed..but I didn't want to leave Reagan..and I popped off at her about it. Granted though, it was like the 7th day we had been there...and we were both exhausted...and I mean, beyond the point of needing a couple hours of sleep. I think we both were ready to kill someone if they had crossed our paths. Something about that just takes SO much out of you, I found strength that I didn't now I had to carry-on..which I'm glad I managed to muster up...but I was DETERMINED not to leave this baby ...

What really hit me, was when we got up there, and I started talking to another mommy who had a baby down the hall. She told me of this little boy who was brought into NICU..and she saw them working on him.. He was a 26 week...so VERY preemie. Couldn't breathe on his own, had to have all sorts of medical care..just was in a mess.

This poor, innocent baby didn't have ANYONE. Nobody came to see him, nobody was there for him. And the doctor had to make the decision to turn off the ventilator providing this baby with life..because he just wasn't able to survive...and his quality of life wasn't going to be good.
And that poor, innocent little baby had to take his last breath right there, with only the doctors there with him...he never saw a sunrise..never saw a rose...never saw the moon setting on the ocean or felt sand between his toes...he came into the world alone, and he left the world alone. I told my wife -- though I managed to say it through the tears I was crying for him -- that I guessed God wanted him all to himself and didn't want to share him with the world. It still bothers me to even talk about it..because I had a brother that would be close to 25 years old now..he died in NICU after 5 months on tubes and stuff. I was only 8 years old when this happened..and I was adopted, so I didn't now he was my brother..but I remember seeing him there...

That's why I'm so devoted to this little girl...
I love her with all of my heart..she's just..perfect...and I couldn't stand the thought of leaving her in that hospital ..even if it was only for a short time...I couldn't stand the thought of her being alone, even if something minor had happened..and us not there for her. I told my wife, she may not be able to see us, or hear us talk to her and understand..but by God she's going to have us by her side...and in some way, I hope she knew we were right there with her. There's just nothing like a new baby to bring out all those emotions..


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 11, 2012 2:27 pm 
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thanks guys, for reading my emotional throw up......

yes, even posting on here helped me feel a lil better about it.
It was just a rough day, all together. a two hour drive, and hitting rush hour traffic on the way home was just awesome as well......

Anyways, one thing I didnt mention yesterday was that my friend, the one Ive been taking to meetings, Im pretty sure has relapsed. she got almost 4 grand on monday, and nobody (noone sober anyways) has heard or seen her.
she's texted me, thats it.......

and she didnt want me to pick her up (from wherever she was) for the meeting last night, which is a verybad sign :roll:

So, I just gotta let go, and remind myself, Im only in control of amber :D

Thank god, Im in a better mood today. I knew I wasnt headed anywhere good yesterday with my thoughts, so I just thought thru everything, and what I can do about it in the FUTURE, and 'put the rest away'

On the other hand, the kiddo is back to runing, jumping and mouthing off agian!!!
:D
So I guess he's back to normal, or close as he can be being my kid :wink:

thanks for letting me share 8) 8) 8)

_________________
anyone can give up,
its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to
hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
That's TRUE STRENGTH
http://almostoneyearclean.blogspot.com/


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 11, 2012 4:11 pm 
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Awesome, the kiddo is back to normal and you too.....good to hear!!

No more emotional vomit today?? :lol:

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Be kind to yourself. Our character defects do NOT define who we are!


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 11, 2012 4:41 pm 
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I'll save it for the next

[marq=right]CATASTROPHY[/marq]

which is probably just around the corner!!!!!


:wink: :wink: :wink:

_________________
anyone can give up,
its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to
hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
That's TRUE STRENGTH
http://almostoneyearclean.blogspot.com/


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