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 Post subject: ofarevoltion's story
PostPosted: Sun Jul 26, 2015 9:40 pm 
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Wow, I don't think I've ever shared this story from beginning to end. Well, here goes.

My parents had me just as they turned 18, and got married when they were 20. Once my parents got on their feet and got their own place, my father's drinking problem started. My mom wasn't innocent, she liked to party but she didn't need > a 6-pack a night. When I was 7, they split because of my father's alcoholism. When I was 11, my mom started following suite. She would leave me home on the weekends, or her friends would party at our place before going out all night. Long story short, she was abusing crack when I was in high school and gave it up for alcohol.

As a teen, I liked to party but always researched the crap out of anything I tried. I got a job on my 16th birthday and haven't been unemployed since. I started my now successful career in IT when I was 20. I tried pot when I was 14 and indulged on weekends until I was 16 and liked to take exstacy monthly as to minimize the effects to my serotonin receptors. When I turned 21, I liked to go out on the weekends and occasionally during the week when hockey was on.

I was always hyper aware that I could end up like my parents and felt like I was super cautious (though anyone without this disease would just never do any of that stuff). By the time I was in my mid 20's I rarely did anything and felt I had passed this magical age where I was safe from addiction. Boy was I was wrong.

Two months before I turned 25, I had unbearable abdominal pain. I fell asleep and woke up hours later vomiting and writhing in pain. I had just moved in a new place with 2 new neighbors and didn't want to bother them so I called 911. After a horrific ER visit, I was diagnosed with a kidney stone. I was given some percocets for the pain until it passed. I had had opiate narcotics before but they always made me sick. It was 2007 and the whole pill scene was exploding. I didn't get it. Until the kidney stone. I had also just broken up with a guy I had been with for 4 years and had just purchased a home with months before. I noticed that not only did they take the physical pain away but the mental as well. When I passed the stone, I had 5 percoets left. I saved them. Then when I needed a burst of euphoria, I would take on. When they ran out, I was bummed for a day but then forgot about it.

The next summer, I experienced the worst headaches I could ever imagine. They felt like ice picks in my eyes. I spent a lot of time in a dark quiet room. MRI's and doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. By the time fall came around, they had mostly gone. Unfortunately, I had met up with a childhood friend who was prescribed massive amounts of methadone, Percocet and Xanax. The Percocet was child's play and she usually used them in return for favors, money, etc because she didn't make much money. I made money and I wanted her Percocets. I even put a wifi data card on my cell plan in return for her percocets.

However, the prior January, I met a guy. The first night we met, I admitted to being on Prozac and he admitted to be recovering from heroin addiction. I don't know why that scared me away. He definitely intrigued me, being 23 (I was 26 then) and he had been through so much. After many attempts at getting clean, he heard about suboxone from Artie Lange on Howard Stern and has been clean ever since.

When he found out about what I was getting from my friend, you can imagine how upset he was. At the time, I was thinking, "What the heck? He's been through it, shouldn't he be more understanding??). I knew that would be a dangerous path to continue so I stopped.

We continued to date and live together for the next year. My headaches came back the next summer, more MRI's and more doctors with no answers. The last neurologist just gave me and said the last thing to try is Percocet. He wrong me 5mg ever 4 hours, with at least 120 pills and a refill (idiot didn't know they can't refill Percocet?). I had convinced myself I had a legitimate reason to be taking the Percocet, often more than described. I was also convinced the doctors didn't understand my pain and justified taking more. When I tried to refill, the pharmacy explained why it couldn't and that I would have to get a script from my doc. He wanted to talk to me and I was too scared to go back.

I remembered my mom's ex boyfriend (she was still friends) had a prescription and so I reached out. He was a hustler, always looking to make a buck. At my job, we would retire old broken laptops that weren't worth putting back into the field. I would by the parts to fix them and give them to him to sell in exchange for pills. He ran out of percs one day but instead brought OxyContin. The old kind without the crap that prevents cutting pills.

It had gotten bad. Lying all of the time. It was just making me angry. I confessed to my boyfriend on his birthday after we had an amazing night (first good time in awhile). I pretty much ruined our relationship there. I promised to get help and I did. I chose to go on suboxone but thought I was strong enough to get off without therapy.

It worked. I went from 8mg to nothing in a month. One day I realized I had forgotten to take he suboxone for a few days and I was done. F

Unfortunately, our relationship was never the same. By October 2011, I had begun taking Vicodin here and there while we see in couples therapy. In early November, I found out I was pregnant. I am thankful I wasn't in a full blown addiction as I was able to stop. I finally felt like I was an adult and the worst was over.

This is the worst part... By the time my son was 6 months, I was using opiate prescriptions pretty often. I never understood those that nodded out as it gave me much needed energy. While I had occasional mood swings, I was happier. But my now fiancé knew something wasn't right. But for the first time since we had been together, he was scared and never accused me. He would make comments here and there letting me know he knew, but he never called me out.

A month before my son's first birthday, and after what I thought was a good weekend, he stepped up and asked me if I was abusing drugs. I denied it and he asked me to take a test (which I had done quite a few times earlier in our relationship when I was sober and always passed them). I refused at first, stating that it was humiliating and we should trust each other (addicts are so manipulating). Later I said I would take the test and pass but I was still leaving. Bullshit spewed from me. I never ended up taking it but our relationship was over. I moved out a few weeks later.

Everything went downhill fast. I now had less money since i was now responsible for my apartment and utilities. I was working a suboxone doctor to get my prescription every month. I figured out that opiates were out of my system within 3 days max, some times I could do 2. I only experienced WD's at that point twice. The first time I thought I was getting the flu. I had some 15's on me and took it for the pain and it went away. The other was before the vacation we had taken before we split, not wanting to risk bringing unprescribed narcotics on a plane. That night I had severe stomach pain, night sweats, creepy crawlies and my whe body was restless. I didn't put 2 and 2 together until he asked "You look like you're in withdrawal." I had a 2mg suboxone at work and it took every once of me to get to it. When I did, it didn't help. I had been taking up to 90mg oxycodone a day. I remember being so weak, I could barely turn the steering wheel. After what seemed like eternity, I was in the parking lot of CVS when the suboxone took it all away.

I mastered how much suboxone and when I could take it to keep the WD's away. I also mastered how long I needed to wait after taking suboxone before I could take the oxy. Looking back, it was so much frickin work.

By the end of 2013, 4 months after I left my fiancé, I hit rock bottom. I was taking 8 30mg oxy's a day. I had even did a few bags of H when I couldn't get them. I still had never nodded out, working and being a good mom. I was just running out of money, I was sick of lying, and I was afraid of what I might do next.

So on December 31st, my mom, who was still an alcoholic and now abusing opiated as well, we vowed to get help and make 2014 a great year. I took FMLA from work and admitted to my son's father I had a problem and needed to go to rehab.

On Monday, January 6th, 2014, I used a bundle to keep the WD's away until that night when I signed myself into rehab. I slept most of the first 2 days making a few meetings. They started me on 16mg subutex and cut it in half each day. On Thursday, I was going tovery group and was feeling good. On Friday, I finally met with my doctor for the first time and a social worker I had spoken to my first day. The first thing they say is, "Your insurance is no longer covering you're stay and you will be discharged tomorrow. Also, someone from child protective services will be coming in to speak with you. It's protocol when someone admits to using and they have children." I burst into tears. I think they expected me to be mad. They asked why I was crying and I said, "I'm a GOOD mother. But I also know that you can't know that and need to do what's best for the kids."

It was at that moment, my bubble has burst. I could see through the lies I had convinced myself was true. I was mortified, embarrassed and ashamed. I cried a lot for the next few months. I was completely honest with child protective services even though it was hard. What's worse was that she had to speak to my son's father and his mother who watched him whole we worked. My entire existence exposed.

I am extremely greatful for my son's father. He refused to file for temporary custody of our son and said a verbal agreement was sufficient. He never refused to let me see my son during that time and often let me spend weekends at his house.

After rehab, I started an intensive outpatient program. Rehab and cut me from 16, 8, 4 and 2mg of subutex over 4 days and said I might be mildly uncomfortable. Bullshit! The first week of IOP was so rough. I couldn't eat and had lost so much weight, I was under 115lbs (I'm 5'7). My nerves were awakening and I felt like what I imagine to be Parkinson's disease. When trying to sit still, my body was constantly twitching and spasaming. My ex tried to convince me to ride it out so I tried. After 7 nights of getting a total of maybe 7 hours sleep, I couldn't take it anymore.

I paid $350 for the first visit with a general practioner who prescribed suboxone. The staff were so amazing and I never felt judged. So was the doctor. For the first time, I had someone compassionate, treating me as the human being I am who fucked ip. He started me on 16mg which I already knew was waaaaay more than I needed. By day 2 I was on 8mg. IOP was fine with my decision as well and was glad to see I was better.

By April, I had completed IOP, found a new apartment, was back at work and my son was back with me. However, my son's father had been so supportive and we spent a lot of time together, so our relationship started to grow a little romantic. He wasn't sure if he could ever trust me again. I found a great therapist who specializes in addiction and couples. I would see him ever week and my ex would come every other week.

In January this year, we both agreed the relationship could not be salvaged. But this time, there was peace with the decision. It was made with clear minds and by both of us. We remain great friends for our son and I couldn't ask for more.

Its now been 18 months sober. I'm down to 2mg suboxone and plan to come off within the next few months. While I know I couldn't have gotten sober with out it, my body has been very sensitive to it and I've been very ill the last year. I've been to every "ologist" you can imagine to figure out what's causing all of these bizarre symptoms. So at this point, my goal is to get off all medications.

I'm scared to go off, not because I would use again. That's not an option and I've had no desires since that day crying in rehab to the doctor and social worker. I am scared of the WD's. No doctors seem to know how to help us. My son's father tried last fall. He's been on 2mg for 4 years. He took a week off of work to rest. After 9 days, he collapsed because he couldn't the PAWS. I'm not going to let that discourage me. I think for some, lifelong suboxone may be the only answer. However, I learned more about myself in rehab, IOP and especially personal therapy that I have in my entire life. And I know getting off my medications will start a new chapter in my life.


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 Post subject: Re: ofarevoltion's story
PostPosted: Sun Jul 26, 2015 9:48 pm 
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Not like my post wasn't long enough but wanted to add my mother went to rehab that February and has also been clean since working the 12 steps.


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 Post subject: Re: ofarevoltion's story
PostPosted: Mon Jul 27, 2015 1:07 am 
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Welcome to the forum! We are glad to have you here!

We have helped support multiple people tapering off bupe and there are many threads in "Stopping Suboxone" that are full of good tips and strategies. There is a member who created a suboxone film cutting guide which he used to taper to a tiny amount of sub and then stepped off with no trouble.

We also have a few threads from people who used a liquid taper system to taper very slowly and evenly. It can be done!

While some members don't have the patience for a long, slow taper, some are able to step off without problem. Our members who jump off from higher amounts of sub/bupe go through some withdrawal symptoms and most are feeling better in a couple of weeks and then almost back to normal in 6 weeks. Sleep seems to be the last thing that normalizes.

One of my jobs here is to remind our members that tapering off is actually the easy part compared to keeping from relapse. Your addiction has been in remission while you have been on bupe. You can't imagine ever craving again, but it happens! So we encourage everyone who is stepping off to have a revamped recovery plan in place for when the "honeymoon phase" is done. Any kind of meetings, therapy, religion, even an exercise program can make a difference.

Thank you for sharing your story. Just as you were humbled in front of CPS, we have all been humbled at one point or another. We understand where you're coming from and we are on your side! Again, welcome. :)

Amy

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 Post subject: Re: ofarevoltion's story
PostPosted: Mon Jul 27, 2015 11:33 am 
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Thanks for sharing your story with us. I'd also like to add that ur very lucky to have someone who is understanding of being a parent with an addiction. Maybe that understanding comes from ur ex being an addict in recovery on sub also. I sure wish I'd had the father of my children in my corner but unfortunately it was the complete opposite actually. It's a tough thing to go through when u have someone working against u and filling ur child with all sorts of horrible information & trying to keep u from ur children. So just having that type of support would be a dream for me. So that's awesome that u have that.

It's great to hear that ur life is doing so much better. Suboxone gives us the chance to actually have a life again. Good luck!!!!

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