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PostPosted: Tue Jun 08, 2010 3:00 pm 
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So, I'm wondering about refilling my script--I can't remember exactly when I last refilled, and I know the pharmacy won't let you refill before a certain amount of time has passed. I take stock of the subox I have left...wow, down to 4 tabs plus a small piece (maybe an 8th of a tab.) I look at the info on the bottle and see I last refilled May 19. So recently! I think the earliest they'll let me refill is probably at about 3 weeks from the last time. Well, that's good because 3 weeks will be tomorrow...But I think they might charge more if I refill before 1 month passes. Every time I refill it's a different price.....oh, plus, I had better get my insurance squared away before I refill too! That means I have to sign up for COBRA and pay for it.

Meanwhile, I have those 4 tabs and the 8th left. I feel cold. It's been less than 24 hours since I dosed. So, I break a tab in half and take the smaller half. Normally I'd automatically take the larger half.

I have; paid work today, so I'll go do that now, and when I get home try to deal with the insurance papers--if I take care of that I'll be in better shape for everything else.

So, NOW will I start dosing once a day at 4 mgs?

I am NOT an idiot, I am NOT an idiot.....


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 08, 2010 6:33 pm 
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Auto, I must say I think you sound much better! May I make a suggestion? Instead of telling yourself you're not an idiot (which you definitely are not), use positive self talk. Instead of saying you're NOT something, tell yourself what you ARE. For example, "I'm in healthy recovery today" or other such positive affirmations. Just a thought.

Keep up the good work and keep on keeping us posted. My best to you.

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 08, 2010 7:26 pm 
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You definitely are NOT an idiot. I agree with Melissa on the positive self talk. My insurance company will only let me refill 3 days prior to due date. So check into that. I hope you have enough left. Good for you making a decision to take it once per day. I have to say that from my own experience, it is far better to rid myself of the pill counting/checking habit. I HATE that. I feel so NORMAL when I take it right and have leftover when I go back in. Doesn't happen often...usually I take the exact amount and have just run out that morning when I go. But sometimes there are a couple.

I wish you luck with your new plan. Good thinking. Let us know how things go. It can be hard the first week or two getting back on track.

Cherie

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 08, 2010 9:15 pm 
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That's the one thing I hate about suboxone is I feel like I still have that addict mentality(always counting pills, checking date, ect.,ect.). I've been on long enough to have a little surplus but In the beginning I had that same mentality. Methadone was much worse though, in that regards. My insurance will fill at 24 days on a 30 day script. I've had to fill early a few times due to schedule and vacations, things like that. However my pharmacy will fill even earlier but I have to pay full price. Don't know if it's legal or not but as your on longer try to get a little ahead in the pill count. For example I see my doc every 28 to 29 days and over the years have been able to get ahead a little, that way I never have to worry about my pill count. I remember in the early statges of suboxone going to the doc with no pills left them hoping the pharmacy even had the to fill. Very stressful. Good luck, you should be fine.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 08, 2010 10:56 pm 
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That's the one thing I hate about suboxone is I feel like I still have that addict mentality(always counting pills, checking date, ect.,ect.). I've been on long enough to have a little surplus but In the beginning I had that same mentality. Methadone was much worse though, in that regards. My insurance will fill at 24 days on a 30 day script. I've had to fill early a few times due to schedule and vacations, things like that. However my pharmacy will fill even earlier but I have to pay full price. Don't know if it's legal or not but as your on longer try to get a little ahead in the pill count. For example I see my doc every 28 to 29 days and over the years have been able to get ahead a little, that way I never have to worry about my pill count. I remember in the early statges of suboxone going to the doc with no pills left them hoping the pharmacy even had the to fill. Very stressful. Good luck, you should be fine.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 4:49 pm 
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Well, yes, I am counting down my last pills. I guess for the last couple of weeks I've been taking 8 to 20 mgs daily and havent' really made much progress at stabilizing my dose....or even much progress at dosing at consistent intervals And I'm still reaching for it compulsively when I feel upset. I now have two 8 mg tabs left and two small pieces...and the dust in the bottle. Most likely I am gonna do what I always have done, just not really taper, just wait until they're gone and then see what happens and refill as soon as I can, maybe have to pay extra in order to refill a few days before the insurance cut-off. Geez, I still haven't filled out my COBRA papers--I wont' even have any insurance if I don't do that soon.... I am panicking about another situation in my life--having to do with my home. And it doesnt' make any sense what I'm doing with the suboxone--why do I keep taking it compulsively? And....I know people can't even be sympathetic to a person like me who seems unable to TRY to do the necessary things to improve my situation. I know I should come completely clean with my doctor and ask for help. If not, I should try to come up with a better plan than the non-plan I have right now. Every day my plan is to try harder tomorrow. This is the same behavior as my heroin addiction. But..not as bad, because, well, at least I'm not getting high and I'm not doing anything illegal. I really wonder if I should go back to smoking cigarettes to give me something else to reach for when I am handling stress. But.....honestly, smoking is probably a worse health risk for me than heroin, and certainly a worse risk than suboxone, even though I'm not taking the suboxone properly.

Part of me just wants to run out of suboxone, run out of refills, and just try to get through it on my own. As long as I stay away from heroin or other street drugs, I'll be fine, right?

Yes, there is no magic pill to solve all the problems life will throw at me. And no easy way out of addiction. But, I just wonder is there anyone out there who understands about having such a hard time to DO the things I want to do? Why is ist so hard to do what I know I should do to help myself? I just want to take the right amount of my medication each day, and I cannot seem to do it. Or at least, I want to take the SAME amount every day, but I can't seem to do that. Since I cannot seem to do that, I should follow the advice soem people have suggested--give my medication to someone who can give me the correct amount every day. But...I dont' want to do that either...and...I'm not even getting anything out of taking the WRONG amount.

Well, addiction and compulsive behavior doesnt' make sense, I guess, and maybe this is just a classic example of that.

People want to hear that I'm doing better, but I'm not sure I am...except...to remember that I'm not using street drugs at least. And...I'm not doing anything to try to obtain street drugs. THAT at least is very positive. I dont' know if it will last, but at least there is that.

Today I took 4 mgs and now I'm just trying not to take more. I guess, I should at least postpone as long as I can. I dont' feel like dealing with ANY of my problems, or filling out the insurance papers or ANYTHING< I feel paralyzed. I guess I'll make the next steop in dealing with this big problem I have regarding my home--call the contractors who I think screwed up the work and possibly created an unfixable hazard in my home. After that, maybe og buy a pack of cigarettes.

I know that panicking usually is not a good coping technique, but also, lying down and ignoring everything also doesnt' usually help.

I can't help it, I feel like the lamest person in the world. I know..that doesn't mean I'm stupid or that I can't get better, but....well, I dont' know if I deserve any sympathy, but I sure want some.

I even doubt whether my posts are appropriate, at least this one, but..well, this is all I have right now.

I wish I could just opt out of my life, everything seems too hard to deal with. I know that in fact I'm a person with a lot to be thankful for, but...I'm miserable and feel so incompetent and I just wish it would end. This is not any kind of sucide threat though--I would never be able to pull off killing myself, and I'm not about to try because I know that I'd just make things worse with a failed suicide attempt.

Well, now I have to make the phone call which I am dreading, but I bet I'll not be able to do more than leave a message anyway...adn then...will have to make some other calls that may be fruitless too. I just want to give upm but I guess I cannot do that either.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 4:51 pm 
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This is just one of many issues that ideally doctors would speak openly about with their patients. The patient and doc should have the same goals in mind; the doc's role is two-fold-- to protect the community from diversion, and to help the patient move beyond addictive obsession and addictive patterns of behavior. When things are above-board, the patient simply says that he/she would like 3 extra days of pills as a 'buffer' in case of emergency; the doc records that the extra were provided, so that he/she isn't contributing to the patient's downfall by doing the same thing every month.

If the subject is not discussed, the patient skims off the script on his own. He justifies it by 'the ends justify the means'-- but what he is doing is repeating the old addictive behavior, and therefore 'feeling like an addict again.' If it is done out in the open, he DOESN'T feel like an addict--- he feels completely different than an addict, and takes pride in his new honest relationship. If it is hidden, the patient says 'it is just a small thing,' but the secret changes the relationship with the doc in a small way; instead of a feeling of open-ness and trust, there is a feeling of sneakiness and getting away with something. That type of relationship is felt by the doc, who wonders what is being hidden, and how deep the hiding goes. The patient, meanwhile, feels less positive about himself. He also finds it easier to lie in other situations.

Honesty is catching; whem people first come out of treatment they are often so used to being honest that if they even exaggerate the truth, they stammer and blush. But if they start lying, the blushing goes away after a few lies.

I encourage people to try to develop honest relationships with their doctors. I realize that some doctors make such a relationship very difficult, by being punitive for an honest mistake, or by not understanding that addiction is a relapsing illness that responds more quickly in some people than in others. But recognize that with recovery it is true that 'secrets keep us sick', and there is no such thing as a 'little' lie.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 5:18 pm 
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Auto, I'm really sorry you're still struggling. Dr. Junig - as usual - makes excellent points. Will you think about being honest with your doctor? Does it make senses to you that not being honest with him/her is making you feel worse about yourself?
And your posts are not inappropriate. You're having a hard time and you're sharing how you feel with us - part of your support system. I hope you stay and keep posting. Keep letting us support you.

Hang in there.

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 Post subject: honesty
PostPosted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 6:37 pm 
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Yes, I wish I would tell my doctor everything but it's like Dr. J. says too-- when you're honest it makes you want to continue being honest and when you tell a lie it's easier to tell another lie. I started out my relationship with my doctor being completely honest. Not to excuse my dishonesty, but I do think that not seeing my doctor very often has not made things easier for me. Some people have suggested maybe I should try to get a new doctor because it might be easier for me to tell my entire story truthfully to a new doctor rather than admit to my current doctor. And also, if I did find another doctor, it would hopefully be one with more experience and knowledge about suboxone than my current doctor admittedly has. I just don't know if I can do either (be honest or get a new doc) at this point though. I know I had better try to make sure I at least keep my health insurance, so I had better prioritize filling out those papers and paying the bill.

I want to say that usually I am a very honest person. And not very good at lying. However, in the area of my addiction, I have lied a lot. And destroyed trust completely with loved ones. I am concerned that at this point my current doctor would not be able to trust me. Those of you who have read my other posts also will understand that my concerns about my doctor not knowing enough about suboxone are valid too. Though, as I have said before, I actually believe that I should share my experiences with my doctor in order to help her learn more about how to help patients on suboxone.

But...what am I going to do from here...I simply dont' honestly know. Right now, just trying to fill out my insurance papers is as much as I feel I can face regarding this situation today.

Of course, as I said before, there is no magic pill or magic solution that will make my life easier. And there's only so much help any person or any program can offer. I do have to rely on myself to help myself. But....I know that there's no guarantee from myself either.

At least prioritizing my insurance papers is one PRACTICAL thing I can do to help keep my situation from getting worse. AND....now I"ve been off street drugs for almost 2 weeks which is the longest it's been for a while, so THAT too is a good thing....and hopefully I"m starting to get some momentum with that....hopefully it's actually getting a little easier to not obsess about that and I am finally realizing that I can't even get high anyway unless I quit subox for several days, and I don't even have the self-control to do that...on top of that--I don't even really enjoy getting high anymore anyway.....sometimes when I've been high I've just said to myself "is THIS what I was looking for?" because really I jsut wanted it to end, I just felt terrible and exhausted and incapacitated and just wanted to sleep it off and try to get back to a more normal more functional state.

And yet..my severe depression and mood swings truly are serious and difficult to manage conditions as well as my addiction. And I think, such conditions cannot be treated as thought completely separate from the addiction issues. On top of everything else, there are life circumstances that can exacerbate all the other conditions...


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 6:45 pm 
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"Well, yes, I am counting down my last pills. I guess for the last couple of weeks I've been taking 8 to 20 mgs daily and havent' really made much progress at stabilizing my dose....or even much progress at dosing at consistent intervals And I'm still reaching for it compulsively when I feel upset. I now have two 8 mg tabs left and two small pieces...and the dust in the bottle. Most likely I am gonna do what I always have done, just not really taper, just wait until they're gone and then see what happens"

Auto, what you said above was me in my first/second month on subs! You are not alone, I was all over the map with my dosing and had the exact same problem -- I was taking them when I "needed" them. Somewhere in month 2, I finally decided that enough was enough. Someone on the forum said just try to only take the subs twice a day and I was finally able to do just that. I honestly believe it is the subs -- certainly not me...I just lost the urge/craving to take the subs more than I needed to. Occasionally there will be a day where I think -- I sure could use a 1/2 of a sub but it passes. Or like today, I just take it! Not often, so I am not concerned -- I honestly think that will go away soon too. Try not to worry so much and just stay on the subs......

I was always the one who realized 100 pills into a 120 month supply that I needed to stretch the 20 I had left over 2 or 3 weeks and it never, ever happened! I was NEVER disciplined enough over the 10 years to do this. So why did I think I could do this on subs? Somehow in month 2 I changed. I think it was my brain's reaction to the subs. I can recall 2 times over the past 3 months on subs where I walked into my doctors visit with no subs left and in the beginning stages of withdrawal. But now my doctor gave me a month supply (90 8mgs) and I have 46 left (I just counted them!) and only 12 days left before my next visit.....

AND Dr. Junig -- thank you! I have my appointment with my doctor on June 21st and I am going to come clean. I had been playing with the idea of lying and saying I still needed 3 a day -- but why? I wanted the cushion..... I wanted the security... But you are so right -- that would be betraying my doctor..... It would be the first lie that I told the doctor..... That I still needed 90..... when in reality I am fine on 16 mg. I will have a cushion after this month's supply is over and I can be honest with my doctor. I have no idea why I thought I needed 30/40/even 50 extra subs! Thanks! And hope this all makes sense and sorry it was so long! I am thinking of you auto! BEST FAD


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 7:50 pm 
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Hi FAD, thanks so much for sharing this part of your story. I'm glad to hear you are doing so well and I hope something shifts like that for me too. And soon. But...I also think i have to take responsibility and admit that I need to try harder. I feel like I'm struggling so much and yet...can I honestly say I'm really doing my best? I know that what I am doing doenst' make sense. But, it does help me to hear your encouraging words. And I am sure that my situation is not at all unique. But there is one big difference between what you described and my situation--I've been on sub for well over a year now! It really worked great for the first month or so except that for the first month or so it really got me pretty high, to the point that I really felt my thinking was impaired and my perceptions were off. Seriously, the entire first month, maybe even two, I could go on a nod from suboxone. Obviously I wasn't' at the right dose....But it worked GREAT for the cravings--I didnt' feel any desire to use street drugs. But, after the first X # of weeks I started using heroin again off and on, off and on and I have been doing that for about a full year now, or almost that anyway. I really dont' think I would have done any better if I had not been on suboxone, but in any case there is no point in speculation because there is no way to know what would have happened "if." Either way I have to deal with the situation I find myself in now. I just wonder if maybe at this point it would be better to get off suboxone, but mostly...I'm afraid my doctor will think that if I tell the truth. What I actually think is that now there IS a change in circumstances--I have the chance to stay away from street drugs now as it should be easier than it was before, it is no longer available to me so easily as it was...it's a pretty big change in my life but it's not a guarantee or perfect solution...I think now is the time, not to quit suboxone, but to start using it appropriately. Also, I finally DO know that the suboxone works now as an opiate blocker. I am sure I have reached the "ceiling level" with it. Yet...I'm STILL not taking it properly and I still dont' know what dose I should be on AND I dont' have an honest relationship with my doc AND I think I cannot expect to have much more supervision from my doc than I already have had, which is not a lot...I could have more frequent appointments if I wanted..but then cost is an issue too....

I hope something shifts on its own like it did for you FAD. But I think I cannot count on that. I really wish I would be honest with my doctor, but I am not sure I can bring myself to do it. Maybe I should consider trying to get a new doctor. Although I do LIKE my current doctor, in terms of having a good rapport, and...although I have broken trust by not being honest, I do have trust for my doctor, except that she maybe doesnt' know enough about sub.

I feel like I'm just agonizing around and around. Today has been a horrible rollercoaster for me emotionally based on a different serious issue I'm dealing with in my life and the stress is just exhausting. But..at least the other situation seems close to resolution now, or at least seems now like it is possible it CAN be resolved soon, which I wasn't even sure of before. I think I'll feel better about my medication issue if I at least take the positive and practical step of filling out my insurance papers, so that is my next goal. But.. I feel like collapsing now and maybe I will.

But FAD, I really appreciate your post so much, it does make me feel more hopeful to hear about others who had and got past similar struggles with sub as I do now. So thank you so much for that.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 8:40 pm 
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I have to say that I find your honesty on this forum very refreshing and greatly appreciated. You are being so REAL. Your situation is not unique. I have been where you are at in my own way. Most of us addicts really struggle with shame issues. Many of us were shamed as kids and then began using and exhibiting poor behavior and we shamed ourselves for everything. Isn't what we avoid when we don't tell the doctor the truth is SHAME? Because that horrible feeling of telling the doctor we lied to them and haven't been honest when all they want to do is HELP us is HORRIBLE. At least that is how I felt about it. For the longest time I didn't want my primary doctor to know I had gotten suboxone because although he didn't prescribe much in terms of pills, I KNEW it was wrong that I was getting them on the street and still collecting a script from him. I was using his pills to try to taper. When he found out about it, I was sure he would drop me as a patient. He is the BEST primary doctor in the world. He is just intelligent and absolutely wonderful. I did not want to lose him. But you know what? He didn't drop me. And then when he learned I was taking oxycontin the whole time (or 2 years at least)...he didn't drop me then either. I still feel horribly shameful about it. Lying to a physician is not like me. Outside being an addict I would NEVER do that. But I did. Regularly.

Then with my 1st sub doctor, he was so scary and punitive for things I didn't tell him a lot either. I did tell him the one time I took vicodin early on. He was really quite nice but I could tell that was just to show me he could be a nice guy. (We run in the same circles professionally so it was odd). I was just too uncomfortable with him overall though.

With my current doctor, I just told her EVERYTHING. She is the one who encouraged me to admit to my primary that I had taken the oxycontin. She flat out told me so long as I do not divert she will not kick me out of the program. I feel like this is a very good patient/doctor match. I told her the last time I was in that I found it difficult to taper down when I have had to take more sub for pain. That was hard to tell her. She has been very trusting with me. I trust her. I BELIEVE she actually REALLY GENUINELY wants to help me. Even though it is difficult, I keep being honest. I posted a while back about a concern of being honest with her when I was a new patient. Ultimately I was honest. The more honest I am, the better I feel about being truthful with her. I feel better about myself. And there is this sense of RELIEF that this isn't ALL on me anymore. She is there to help me get better and be better.

So here is my best advice to you. If you think your doctor isn't forgiving and doesn't understand addiction, and you don't feel comfortable at all, you may want to shop for a different doctor just in case. But if you can be honest with your doctor like you are being with us, I think you will find a huge relief. Given I have had 2 types of docs, I would totally understand if you didn't feel comfortable, but then you need to look for a new one. And then be honest with that new one and see how things go. Start off by telling them you are afraid to be honest. Tell them you struggle with doing what you know is the right thing. Tell them all of those things in your head. Once you do, you will feel so much better. Let them help guide you. Stop SHAMING yourself for being an addict. This isn't your fault and what you describe are symptoms of your disease. It isn't that it can't be changed or that you have zero control, but it is a difficult disease and you cannot shame yourself for this. You are doing the best you can right now and you are trying to be better. You have made gains. 2 weeks without your DOC IS A GAIN. So why do we as addicts keep shaming ourselves when we made a GAIN?

No...you aren't perfect yet. No....guess what...you haven't beat your disease in a year, or 2 months, or 2 weeks. Not really a surprise. But you keep trying and that is a HUGE deal. When you keep trying you are beating it. You are staring it right in the face. I think if you keep trying and keep being honest with yourself like you are. If you keep asking yourself questions like you are....you will keep getting better.

I realize this is incredibly long and I apologize for that. You really touched me with your post and subsequent responses. As for the rest of the things you need to get taken care of.......stop thinking about all of them and just take care of one. Tomorrow, wake up. All you have to do is take care of your COBRA paperwork. That is it. If you get that done tomorrow, you were a success. Intentionally ignore the rest. Tomorrow do the COBRA paperwork.

I really do wish you the best. Please keep in mind when you post like this, you are helping others too.

Cherie

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 8:55 pm 
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Hi Again Auto,
Just quick -- I didn't realize that you had been on the subs for over a year! So sorry.... I would have probabaly not commented! Because I have only been on the suboxone for 3 months and don't have as much experience -- I thought you had only just started -- oh well! Anyway, keep trying! I think Cherie's comments were right on! Take it easy and try again tomorrow. :):) FAD


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 10:00 pm 
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Someone wrote a post in reply to one of my earlier posts titled "things WON'T be better tomorrow...we all know..." I think they meant that nothing will change if I dont' do something to change it. Well, but that was over a week ago and I HAVE done something different--I stopped doing street drugs. Whatever else, at least that is something. FAD, no need to apologize, please, even though our situations arent' exactly the same, your post still really really gave me some encouragement. JAc, thank you for your advice. It's good advice, about teh doctor, and I hope I will follow it. BUt also, I think your advice about taking care of the insurance papers tomorrow and trying not to worry about mcuh else is a good idea. I feel at the verge of collapse right now and have more to deal with tomorrow too....I'll try not to get overwhelmed though..and also...if I have the opportunity to do paid work tomorrow I should try to do it. But the insurance papers really is important. Funny how such relatively small and easy tasks can be so hard to take care of. And yes, I hear you saying, just getting angry at myself isnt' helping anything, I have to take positive steps and there is no point just constantly berating myself becaseu I'm not doing things the way I should. Right now I think I need rest so....

Anyway, thank you, I do feel like there are people rooting for me at least, and I do know that the troubles I have are things that occur in the lives of others as well....no one has a perfect life of ease and we all have to struggle to find our way in the world as best we can, and I know that in many ways I am luckier than most people..so ....just have to keep trying...I do think that holding sight of the main thing being that I'm NOT using street drugs is important, and in fact...I actually think that that is getting a little easier for me, and that I am finally resigning myself to the idea that I wont' be using heroin adn other drugs as an escape anymore....it just isnt' an option anyway wehn the suboxne blocks it, which, at this point it really is effective at that.So...I do think I should stay on the suboxone too...I really do thing that I am finally at a point where I can use it properly adn it will be effective...but....I do need to resolve the issue of doctor supervision as well as dosage.

Going to try to rest now, thanks again, all of you, I so appreciate the kindness and compassion.


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 Post subject: TODAY :-)
PostPosted: Thu Jun 10, 2010 8:14 am 
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Good morning Auto,

Before you post back on the forum, at least go FIND those insurance papers and a pen. Start filling them out. You don't even have to finish just yet, just get them out and put them in front of you at least. Don't think of anything else. Don't think of whether you will follow the advice on the doctor or anything else. That is for later. Today, you will be successful and be taking the right steps toward your recovery if only you fill out and send those COBRA papers.

When you are done with them, just sit back and enjoy that small but HUGE step forward. Allow yourself to feel that success.

All too often we feel like failures if we didn't fix the world today. That is crazy thinking and sets you up to feel like a failure. Of course you haven't known much else for a long time. BUT.....if you just fill out the COBRA paperwork today, you can feel that accomplishment, success, and break that cycle of feeling frozen.

I am feeling pretty positive that when I return from work and jump back on the forum, you will have completed those and I hope you will submit a post that you did :-)

Take care and keep up the good work.

Cherie

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Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.

- Winston Churchill


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 Post subject: Keep going
PostPosted: Thu Jun 10, 2010 9:28 am 
Hi Auto,
I know that "stuck" feeling where every task feels almost insurmountable. I agree with Cherie. Just start working on the COBRA papers today and consider that a victory. Also, staying on your Subs and not using drugs is another victory. Just keep going, give yourself a break, we're all rooting for you.
Lilly


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 Post subject: small victories
PostPosted: Thu Jun 10, 2010 1:13 pm 
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ok, good advice, and thank you guys for understanding what I'm going through right now....I have all the insurance papers and several pens, have a phone call or 2 to make first, regarding time-sensitive issues related to the nightmare the work on my house turned into (did we only make things WORSE?), then will work on those papers, and you guys are right, maybe htat is ENOUGH just for today if I get the papers done, the check written, and paperwork delivered or mailed.

Knowing that there are people who understand how hard simple things can be to handle really does help. One step at a time, and remember that it is better not to give up trying, even if I feel so lame it's ridiculous....everyone struggles, I am just human like everyone else.

Moving forward....


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jun 10, 2010 6:44 pm 
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If it makes you feel any better, I got so depressed at one point when my husband was in Iraq I had to have someone help me pack my suitcase because I couldn't figure out the luggage issue. Small stuff can FEEL huge and I think most of us have been there in one form or another.

I really hope you got those done today and that you feel better for having done so.

Cherie

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Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.

- Winston Churchill


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 10, 2010 8:15 pm 
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Thanks Jack. Depression relaly can be debilitating, I know....BTW, I hope your husband is home safe and sound now.....Well, I did get one form mailed off, still stumped on 2 others, but .... haven't given up...how hard can a FORM be to fill out anyway? Worst case though, I will ask for help if I need it, either from a friend or I'll go to my old job and ask the personnel person to help me (I know that he would too). Today turned into a huge nightmare of dealing with the contractors who did the work on my house earlier this week and I think, did not do it properly (or safely). I think they have not been entirely honest also. I ended up telling one representative exactly that too. It is more my style to back down in such situations, to avoid the embarrassment of confrontation. But...this situation is really serious and they definitely have been inconsistent enough for me to suspect that they have lied adn not done everything properly.

The good news is I took 4 mgs of sub this morning and no more. Actually, for some reason I dont' WANT more. Maybe I'll finally turn a corner for the better and stop the compulsive behavior. If I can do it today, get through all this level of stress without reaching for a pill, well...it's gotta be a good sign....talk about stress being a trigger though--it REALLY makes me want to escape somehow but.....there's not really a lot of choice...I'm glad I'm not around my DOC, but...I feel better about being about to STAY away from it too....And...once I get the insurance papers done (hopefully that can still occur today....) I think I had best make an appointment with the psychiatrist. I really agree with everyone that telling the truth to my doctor would be a very good step for me, I really kind of feel it's important ethically too..because..though maybe my doc doesnt' know as much about sub as she should...I truly believe she WANTS to know the truth about how it's working for her patients...how can she learn if her patients dont' provide her with accurate info? I"m still not sure I can bring myself to do it, it will be hard...but I really think I should. And if I cannot....maybe I really should look for a different doc to prescribe my sub, so I can start fresh, regardless of cost, etc, because....it really is important to have an honest relationship with the doc....

Back to those papers now....again, thanks to everyone who's been rooting for me....


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Jun 11, 2010 8:26 am 
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I think you can certainly chalk yesterday up to a success! Hopefully today, with the house stuff sort of resolved, you can focus on the COBRA stuff and just knock that out of the way. You will feel so much better. Insurance paperwork is ALWAYS confusing. I swear they do it on purpose. It does sound like you are committed to finishing today and that is good. Then it would be a 2nd successful day. I am glad you are seriously considering talking to your doctor. I think you will fell SO much better when some of the responsibility is placed on someone other than yourself. I hope she is the kind of doctor you CAN talk to and who DOES want to help you. If you sense that about her then you are probably right.

Well....I will be gone for a week or so but will be rooting for you all the same. I hope all goes well. If you take things one day at a time, you never know what you can accomplish.

Take care!

Cherie

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Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.

- Winston Churchill


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Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

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