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PostPosted: Fri Jun 11, 2010 1:58 pm 
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maybe they make those papers confusing so that later they can deny claims on technicality? I guess more likely it's just that the people who write the forms arent' that good at their jobs. Anyway, an ex-coworker friend of mine came over and helped me fill out the rest of the forms. I know the personnel person at my old job isn't there today, so I think on monday I'll go to my old job and turn everything in, and fist go over it all with the personnel person. Hopefully the situation at my house will be resolved today too, and soon.... and then...continue to face problems one thing at a i=time, I h=guess htat is just the way life i
I think I'm going to be able to stop taking sub compulsively though, I really do. Yesterday I just had the 4 mgs in the morning.What I really was wishing for at the end of my stressful day was some kind of anti-anxiety med, and I just knew taking extra sub wouldn't do any good. I take antidepresents...but never have taken anti-anxiety meds...and maybe that is something I should talk to my doc about....as well as possibly mood stablizers.

Anyway, when I woke up today, I felt chilled, like that kind of chill from the inside. That happens to me a lot when I wake up in the mornings and it feels like the very beginning of WD, although I am not sure it is. So...I took about 2 mgs this morning, and if I feel ok, I want to leave it at that. Ultimately, going back to a regular 4 mg a day dose is probably the best thing, and then....go down to 2 mgs if that seems to work....but I really at this point would rather be discussion dosage with my doctor, not just guessing on my own...even though...unfortunately at this point it really may be that I understand the dosage questions better than my doc...

Anyway, I hope today is gonna be an easier day at least and that the situation with the contractors at my house is resolved...and now....at least with the insurance papers done and ready to go on monday.....I will be able to keep my health insurance adn THaT is very important.

It really does help to remember that the trouble I have coping is not all just becasue I'm not the most competent person--EVERYONE struggles with details involving paperwork and runs into difficulty with things like home-improvement projects, etc...adn we all just have to keep on struggling as best we can...and help each other as best we can too.

I really dont' want to take more sub than I should any more too, I really am thinking, I'm not sure why but it seems like I've made a breakthrough with that.

Thanks Jack, and Lily, and Hat, and FAD and all of you guys--you all have a lot of kindness...and...see like really pretty smart people too, participating on this forum means a lot to me...I only hope that posting my stories might help others too somehow, the way reading the stories of others really does help me.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 11, 2010 4:49 pm 
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Hey autononymous (what a long name!!! :) )

I have been reading your posts, but haven't responded to them yet. Like everyone else, I wanted to welcome you to the forum, and tell you that, like Cherie (Jackcrack), I too really admire your honesty. When I read your posts, I see an addict who is really coming to terms with the complexities of her addiction. And, to me at least, this is one of the hardest steps. We live in denial (on purpose and subconciously) for so long that the truth becomes foreign to us. Living "the truth" is much harder than lying and telling people what we think they want to hear. In your last post, you mentioned that you were having a rough time, but then stated that everyone goes through that. I thought that was a great way to look at things. I know that when I was using, I justified my use with thoughts like "it's harder for me, so I need to take this to feel normal".....realizing that we are not as special as we think is so important....then we realize that we too have to play by the rules.

I know you are struggling to maintain a consistent dosage. I have an odd suggestion that I wanted to pass on to you. I too had trouble in the beginning. I would take sub throughout the day, and take more than prescribed if I thought I needed it. Two things: First, apply your thinking to this problem....."if other addicts can get by on a stable dosage of sub, so can I". I have a mantra that I use when I think I can't do something...."what one man can do, another can do"....I say this over and over....use something similar when you want to give into temptation and CONVINCE yourself that it is true (because it is!). Second, when I was first trying to get to dosing at a consistent time, I would try to distract myself when I wanted to use in between doses. I would do something that prevented me from taking the sub (chew gum, eat hard candy, my favorite was eating a Popsicle....once you start, you have to hold it in your hand until you are finished and you can't eat too fast or you will get major brain freeze!). I would eat these things, and do something else (watch TV, play a game, talk to a friend).....when I was done eating, the urge had often passed. The point was, I prevented myself from dosing so I could try to stop thinking about it. This helped me, so I thought you may want to try it.

Good luck...you are doing so well, and you seem truly motivated to continue. I hope you will keep us posted on your progress. Good luck on the paperwork!

Elizabeth

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Subs Not Drugs!!!

"Don't hope for a life without problems. An easy life results in a judgmental and lazy mind."
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 11, 2010 5:54 pm 
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Elizabeth - I think that is awesome advice. I am going to take it if ya don't mind :-)

Auto - you help me when you post probably just as much as we help you. It is helpful to me to hear someone be so honest as it encourages me to be that honest with myself. It is helpful to me to hear someone have some of the same struggles I have had with things that seem so easy and so simple. It is helpful to me to come on here and try to help you because I feel like I am doing something for someone. The list goes on. Every time I reach into my bag of tricks to give an idea to someone else, I often dust off that trick and realize I could probably use it myself in some fashion.

OK...so clearly I haven't left just yet for my trip but I do hope you continue to do well and I appreciate that you keep posting.

Thanks!
Cherie

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Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 11, 2010 6:33 pm 
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Actually, Hatmaker suggested keeping posickles around to suck on when i want to take sub compulsively. I think it's a good idea. Well, I am glad if my posts are able to help anyone else in anyway. One step at a time, one step at a time, and try not to get into panic. There is a lot of upheaval in my life right now and it has not been easy. Tomorrow we have a special appointment with the trash collection company to pick up extra bulky trash. so i have to get that ready now.

I think I've done what I can regarding the insurance papers until monday when i can go and talk to the personel person at my former employer. As for the upsetting issue regarding the contractors and the work on the house, I have one more email to send to my brother and then, we'll have to move on from there. I think it will be ok in the end, but this has been such a huge stressful situation for me to deal with and...largely on my own...I did the best I could so...I only hope that was good enough that we end up with an acceptable result.

And regarding my dosage issues...I took only the 1 4m dose yesterday, adn today, about 2 mgs. I think I feel ok, no physical symptoms anyway..though...i feel overall....kind of "spun." Not stable, that 's for sure. Th problems I'm facing seem absurd to me, though I recognize them as serious.

So...at least with my dosage issues...I am hoping I'm ready to stop taking the sub compulsively and jsut give it a chance to stablize. Adn,....it really is NOT on mind to make plans to seek out street drugs, adn the more distance i get from that the better I can't make time pass faster but.....it's coming along at laast....

I hope I am mot just too annoyingly self-centered and needy, but....I will say that having a place where I can tell he truth (without fear of being rejected, shunned, yelled at, punished, threatened, abandoned) is a very big deal to me-- I am very appreciative.

I also know that I am not doing all the recommended things to help myself....I am clearly NOT willing to go to "any lengths" to get to recovery....but....I am doing what I feel I can to improve my life. And to improve me my integrity too.

i can here people who might have things to say about what more they think might be good for me to try. that is, i am open to listening to further ideas people might have. I still feel like I'm pretty lame. but...step by step...if i can stay off street drugs and get on consistent sub dose that's a big step....and once insurane papers are filed, I think making an appointment is the next thing, adn then...try to be honest with my doc.

Right now though--have to put the trash out for the bulky0trash pick up tomorow.
AS always, thanks all you . Best wished to everyone, I and...

One Love


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 11, 2010 10:10 pm 
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Well I know there has been some signigicant hand holding here and it just shows the compassion that some people on this forum have but I want to point out that you say you feel you have your dosage needs or wants at a more controllable level. If you go back and reread your post it is largely due to the fact that you should be either out of subs or just some crumbs left and a long way to go to your refill...........this is going down a path that is going to cause you to come to a crossroad...Which way are you going to go..?

I would really suggest you stick with these people who have opened up to you becasue I fear you will be seeking your DOC on the streets in days. This is not a good situation you are in and you obviously you know that. I think for someone who has been on sub for a year and using street drugs as well could cause some of us to really be pissed when I know addicts who are on waiting list to get in to see a sub doc and every day is hell for them. This medicine works, therapy works, 12 step programs work alot of us are proof of that. I would suggest that although I appreciate your honesty....if you as serious about this stuff then get off your ass and do the footwork....you have to do the paperwork....call and make an appointment...I would even suggest considering a serious inpaitient facility. You are in a tough spot and we addicts love movies and sometimes we know how the movie ends and sometimes it ends very badly...

You have some big issues ahead of you but you are struggling with the little ones that why I think you need some intensive inpatient help. I think two weeks of no street drugs is great.......if you weren't on subs as well which should tell you how serious your situation is. I am not trying to demean you or talk down to you......I am truly concerned for your current situation. I will add you to my prayers becasue if your not you soon should be out of sub and then the real struggle begins.

I wish you the best and keep posting and let us know where you are even if it needs to be hourly......Good Luck

Jim


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 11, 2010 11:31 pm 
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First of all I would like to thank you Re-Raise, for praying for me, although I am not a religious person I deeply respect other peoples' spirituality and I believe in the positive power of people's prayers and spiritual energy> I really sincerely mean that, thank you for your prayers. Also I'd like to say that I recognize that you too are being honest, adn I respect and appreciate that. Yes, RE-Raise, I hope I get your point. I'm lucky to have health insurance and I'm lucky to have stumbled onto a sub doctor and I'm lucky also to have lost my job so I don't have to walk past someone who more than likely has heroin in their pocket every day. I dont' mean to make excuses that I havent' used my opportunity to be on sub as best I could, though on the other hand, who is anyone to say that I have NOT done the best I could or that all those poor addicts waiting in line would all have done any better than I have? I suspect my pattern is not all that unusual. And I'd just like to let you know that I do know about everyday being Hell because that is exactly how my life has been whether on or off drugs most of my life.

Now, RE-Raise, I have read some of your posts and you seem like an intelligent and compassionate person, so I dont' wish to alienate you with a response that is overly defensive, or worse, on the offensive. So I hope you will forgive me if my paragraph above in fact does come across as defensive.

Your point that I need to do better and come up with a better plan is well taken. An inpatient program might even benefit me, but I dont' think I'm going to find a way to do that. But I do think throwing at me the idea that there are others out there who, it seems to me you imply might deserve more than me to be on sub---well I think that's a pretty unfair statement. It's easy to say "If I had that chance I'd NEVER use again." I've heard junkies say things like that "look at him--he's through withdrawal adn he just wants to go back to using--I HAVE to keep using or I'll get sick, if I were him I'd never go back." And Ive seen those people go back too, again and again.

All I'm doing is having trouble stablizing my dose and having problems relapsing a lot. And granted, trouble with my relationship with my doctor.

I wonder RE-Raise, did it bother you that I said I am not sure I would "go to any lengths" for recovery? I'm sorry, but that is just the truth.I'm not sure what the point of your mssg to me is. other than maybe "get serious?" that is good advice but not necessarily actually helpful. I've said myself, I think I ought to be trying harder. On the other hand, I do see that I have made some improvement adn I feel I'm moving toward more improvement too. I dont' think I'll be seeking out street drugs within days, though I can see why you would worry about that. In fact, I think I will turn in my insurance papers, stretch out my sub until I can refill, adn also make an appointment with my doc, with the plan being to tell my doc the truth of my situation when I see her. I am not sure I can bring myself to do that, but that is what I want to do. And maybe the simple truth is just that I actually do need to be on a dose of 8 or 16 mgs--just as many people are. My doctor has only encouraged me to take less, and seemed to doubt me when I told her (honestly ) that 4 mgs worked much better for me for cravings than 2 mgs and that sometimes when i really felt tempted to use heroin I would take an extra half tab.


I also don't think the forum was meant to exclude someone like me who has been in a long struggle and has not stablized on suboxone and has not been able to do that well with staying off DOC. I am only trying to do better from here, adn if I can, I hope that might mean a lot to others in my situation, of whom I'm sure there are others like me.
Anyway, RE-Raise, I'll try to take what you say as a well-meant warning, and I truly do that you for what you said about praying for me and also encouraging me to stay in touch with those I've begun to know here. And again, sorry if I sound defensive, the fact is, I won't deny that I feel a bit defensive. You may only be pointing out the truth, but that doenst' mean it's easy for me to hear, or doesnt' make me feel judged, not that it was any kind of news to me either (other than the feeling judged part, which was a bit of a surprise).

But finally, I DO respect you Re-Raise, and don't mean to stir up hard feelings. I hope you a=can accept what I've said with the best understanding you can. I will try to do the same for what I read from your posts. And than k you, for posting, for being honest, and for caring.


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 12, 2010 9:00 pm 
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I am no better than anyone here .......including you.I am an addict and alcoholic.I have had some of the same struggles....I have suffered sub w/d and it scares the shit out of me to ever have to go through it again......I am not judging you...I am worried for you...I tend to get to the point and people can read in to it......I will be ok....it's you I worry about and was only expressing my concern. Wednesday you said you had 2 8mg subs left...It's Saturday night...how much sub do you have left How are you going to make it to your refill or next Dr's appointment without sub? Keep your head up......

Jim


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 12, 2010 11:30 pm 
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Umm Jim, I am not sure if you thoroughly read Autos first thread that he wrote on Tuesday. He said that he had a refill that he would be able to fill on Wednesday........

I am not certain what you were trying to really get across to Auto. Was it your intention to make him feel bad? Because I think you succeeded. He was clearly coming here to get help and support and what you gave him was not that. I am writing this because I want Auto to know that not everyone thinks the way you do. I can only imagine getting a response such as yours, I am fairly certain that I would log off my computer and never come back. Is that what you wanted?

Auto, I am rooting for you! I think that you can do this. Heck, you almost made it through the weekend. :):) Keep up the good work. I wish you the best. FAD :)


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 13, 2010 1:14 am 
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Yes it is Saturday night and I have one tab of sub left plus a crumb. I don't feel great but I think that's probably because of the weather and this huge amount of stress I went through regarding the work on my house last week which STILL hasn't really been resolved. Actually I think I might be able to refill on sub any time AFTER 3 weeks since the last time (which has already passed) but I think the insurance won't cover it unless it's closer, like within 3 days or so. But I'm not certain about that. AND my insurance is in question too because I'm in the process of signing up for COBRA. I was told I have 2 months to decide about COBRA and during that 2 months I'm covered as long as I opt to sign up (and pay) before the 2 month grace period is up. But I don't know how that works with meds--obviously it would be better to be all signed up as soon as possible. Well, I can't do it any faster than Monday.

So, anyway, I think I could probably refill now, or in any case before Wednesday, But I still have one sub tab left and I think I'll try to wait until I get my insurance papers turned in at least-- I think I might get some kind of receipt that might be important.

Thank you FAD, for what you said. In fact, I was a little put off by Re-raise's post, not really the part where he points out that I am not doing great,--it's true, I'm not doing great. And certainly not the part where he says he'll add me to his prayers, because any time anyone wants to pray for me I am nothing but grateful and hope for the best with that. But the part where he says some addicts on waiting lists for sub would be pissed at me....well, that might be true too, but I think it's an unfair thing to say......but I already addressed that above.

So, here I am one tab and a crumb left on Saturday night. Well, I think worst case I might have to go a day or two without sub. If that happens, Last two days I have been able to take my 1 a day 4 mg dose, which is the last dose my doc and I discussed. I'm not sure it's the right dose, but it's the dose I'm prescribed. I do not think I'm going to go out and try to get my DOC if I'm out of sub for a day or so. I think I'll it's likely I'll try to refill early though, like Monday after I turn in the insurance papers...and do it even if it costs me a lot. It is true though, that I do have to go into my former place of employment on Monday, to turn in the insurance papers (and go over them, otherwise I'd just mail them) and that is a potential trigger. So....that worries me more than running so low on sub right now.

I think Re-Raise may also trying to make a point to me that coming onto the forum isn't real "recovery activity." He may be right about that. I've never found any support that I felt worked for me...this is the best thing I've found. I was horribly dissappointed by the rehab I went to last year--and I went into that with an open mind and high hopes. Honestly, online support sounded silly to me before, but now I'm thinking it's the thing for me. But maybe that is not what this forum is really for, maybe not longterm anyway.

Re-Raise also has a point about looking at the longterm-changing this behavior of taking my sub so inconsistently. Well, that is what I'm trying to do. I do think I'm finally coming to the point where I am REALLY realizing there is no point taking it more often than once a day. However, I'm NOT certain that 4 mgs is the right dose for me, as it does seem like I still have cravings, and I take more sub until I dont' have any more cravings. But obviously, I need to discuss this with my doctor, and that is hard because I don't want to tell my doctor the whole truth. It may be that getting a new doctor might be worth it, if I can afford it, because it would be easier to tell my entire story honestly, and also...I really do have reason to think that my doc doesnt' know very much about dosage issues. So yes....I do need to address my longterm issues, not just be counting pills.

BTW though, I dont' have any popsicles yet, but I do intend to get some--I think getting down to 2 tabs of sub did it for me (for now. anyway) but for the future, I think having popsickles around is a good idea.


Anyway, I have the feeling that Re-raise was taking issue with me too about whether or not I'm serious about trying to use sub appropriately or do I only want to use it in between getting high? Well, I can't get high anymore anyway, because I'm on sub, but I haven't stopped taking sub. Am I serious? Well, I'm not ready to give up trying. I think I said before something about the "are you willing to do whatever it takes to get clean?" line of thinking that--well, I don't actually buy that line. It doesn't really make sense anyway, in my opinion, to put it into such an extreme. Would I murder someone if that's what it took? Of course not. Would I quit a job?--well, I considered that and was NOT willing to do it. And, I think not quitting my job was the right choice too.

Anyway, I really addressed RE-Raise's post already, but the truth is, I DID feel a bit put off, and I DO appreciate FAD's post, and I though I'd just give an update here.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 13, 2010 7:27 am 
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I am sorry if either of you were put off by my post...it was out of concern not anything else....FAD yes he has a refill but that is over a week away and where I live I can only fill the night before....Obviously I have nothing to offer the two of you so I will resolve myselef to just read your progress............and sincerely...Good Luck.

Jim


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 13, 2010 1:14 pm 
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Re-Raise, I feel bad to hear you say that you think you have nothing to offer me or FAD. I don't feel that way at all. The reason I felt put off a bit by your earlier post was probably because of the truth in it. It has taken me over a year to get to this point where I finally realize that I cannot get high while on sub and that taking extra sub also doesn't do what I wish it would, although it does seem to somehow calm me...maybe it does help with the cravings. And I'm not handling my relationship with my doctor correctly either. To be fair though, my doctor has NOT offered me much guidance, and clearly doesnt' know much about dosage issues or how sub works AND does not encourage me to have regular appointments either. So, I can see why someone might look at me and say I'm not serious about recovery and even, that maybe I should just get off sub in order to give someone who is waiting in line a chance who might use it right. BUT....that's not really realistic. I DID get the opportunity to get on sub--I didnt' ask for it, I went to a psychiatrist out of desperation, told my story, and got put on sub but was not given much guidance with it. I think I would have done even WORSE if I hadnt' been put on sub. And all I can do is go forward from where I am. As for the specifics of running out and refilling, well, now I'm down to my last 8 mg tab, haven't dosed yet today. I should probably call the pharmacy and find out when I can refill--I might be able to already...but tomorrow I turn in my COBRA papers, so it might be better to wait until I have that squared away. I think you are right Re-Raise, that I ought to try to find more support. On the other hand, I havent' had much success with support in the past. It seems to me, in the end, it's always really up to oneself to help oneself. And I still DO want to get high. Or something, to feel different. I suffer form a lot of anxiety and depression, maybe I need to talk to my doctor about that, maybe I need anti-anxiety meds or mood stablizers. It is hard, though, to try different medications and try to determine whether or not they are helping.

Anyway, I see I'm just starting to ramble on here. I really wanted to say again to Re-Raise, that I do NOT feel as though you have nothing to offer me,in fact whenever I see a post by you (whether in response to one of my posts or someone else's) I tend to take note and try to read it carefully. And, I was genuinely moved that you said you would add me to your prayers, that means a lot to me. So...I am sorry if I alienated you or made you want to throw up your hands in light of my situation thinking that I am not a person who is serious about recovery. You may be right about that, I am not even sure I can honestly say "I'm doing the best I can" because I think I could be doing more...however, I honestly believe I'm making some progress, for one thing, I have STOPPED doing street drugs, and I really am trying to gear myself to tell my doctor the truth or at least a big part of how much I've been struggling...and....with only one tab of sub, yes, it is easier to not take more than I should...but...I feel I've come to a turning point FINALLY--I FINALLY realize I cannot get high on other opiates while on sub and that taking extra sub also isnt' working for that. So...I'd rather delay refilling as long as I can, in the meantime it's easier to not take more than I should. Also, looking around on the forum, and at the last meeting, I've learned there are a lot of people having the same issue--sometimes taking more sub than they are supposed to--taking an extra dose when anxious, etc. My case may be the most extreme of anyone who's talking about it, but....I'm sure I'm not alone. However, I don't wish to sound like I'm making excuses. Really, there are endless excuses adn NO excuses. I just wanted to say something here, after RE-Raise's last post, because....well, you sounded miffed. I never meant to disrespect you in any way or to discount any of the points you made. But like I said, I really am rambling now, whatever point I was trying to make, I think I've made it as best I can now, so I'll leave it at that.

Except one other thing--for some reason I ALWAYS underestimate withdrawal. RE-Raise says he's been through sub WD and it is hell. I've not gone through more than the beginnings of it. Though I've experienced heroin WD again and again, I always think it won't be that bad. Then when it hits, of course I find myself in desperate straights. But somehow, with sub...I guess eventually I'll have to learn for myself what it's like if I ever decide to get off it, hopefully tapering carefully under doctor's advice. My doctor told me that sub is not addictive and would only take 4 days to taper off and then you'd be fine.....that's not what everyone else says though....And...maybe she was thinking of people who only take it short term.. Anyway, not sure why I brought this up, off subject again, sorry.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 13, 2010 2:30 pm 
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Well, just in case anyone is wondering--I called the pharmacy, I can refill NOW so now I have nothing immediate to worry with that other than sticking to 4 mgs ONCE a day from now on. Popsickles on hand sounds like a good idea, in case I start getting compulsive about taking it again. AND the other big issue--to make an appointment with my doctor and then when I see her to tell her the truth--at least as much of the truth as I can manage--and talk to her about my dose. I am pretty sure I should stay on suboxone. I think if I go off it now, it will just be luck of the draw and I'll use street drugs if they are available. And I might try to get them on my own, from my ex-coworker, who so far I have not called at all.

Anyway, I just thought I'd post about the immediate issue, which was getting my refill. So..I'm not even filling it earlier than I'm supposed to..but.....I've basically gone through it twice as fast as I should have, since I am only supposed to take 4 mgs a day according to what my doc prescribed.

And....I think I will be fine at 4 mgs a day in terms of not getting WD...but the other issues I have....cravings and depression that really could be described as despair....I guess i need to tell my doc about that and try to address it separately from the suboxone/addiction issues....although...I think the addiction issues I have are connected to my depression...

Anyway, I just wanted to post about getting the refill. I know I'm not the only one who's ever sweated over running through their 'script too early...but...it sure is a drag, it sure makes me feel stupid, and I sure hope I stop doing it now!!!!

Again, thanks to everyone who's been interacting with or following my posts.....it helps me to feel less alone with this, and I think htat is important....I may not be that commendable a person in terms of working on my recovery...but...at least I'm here, at least I'm talking to people, at least I AM trying....and even if I'm not trying hard enough...at least I'm honest about that. Adn...I'm refraining from just saying a bunch of negative stuff about myself, which is something too....


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 13, 2010 4:30 pm 
It sounds like you are doing well, and I know how difficult it can be dealing with depression. Being on this site for a while I know that many of us (myself included) are on anti-depressants in addition to the sub. I know your doc isn't too well versed on Sub treatment, but she can probably help you with the depression. Also, I had said a while back (probably wrongly) that you would probably be OK on 4mg because you weren't dealing with physical withdrawals. But sometimes people need a higher dose to keep the cravings at bay. So it was inappropriate of me to say that. The good news is you're staying clean, you're taking steps little by little to deal with your life, and you're posting here. So keep up the good work and let us know when you'll be seeing your doc again. Take care,
Lilly


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 13, 2010 5:24 pm 
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Hi Auto! I just spent while reading this thread and I can honestly say I was where you were when I first started taking sub, actually the first 8 months or so , I was just doing when ever I would feel the need. things honestly changed when one month I ran out way early and was in withdrawal for about a week. It was pure hell and then I also found this forum and those two things helped me get my act together. I am now down to 8mgs a day from 16-32 mgs a day and doing really well. I find even in stressful situations I am now able to dose how I am supposed. And that is huge for me. Keep trying and don't give up. we are all here for you. One thing, and it may sound stupid to others but, I wear an orange bracelet, you know those silly bandz that kids are obsessed with....well I have an orange (for sub) one i wear and whenever I have cravings I look at it and try to remind myself why I am taking sub and how important it is to stick to my dosage. Just a thought, maybe it will give you an idea of something you could try. Good luck. Stay strong.

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Laura

Of course there's such a thing as angels. Only sometimes they don't have wings... and we call them mothers. -Unknown


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 13, 2010 6:18 pm 
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Wow, thanks RTL.....someone else who struggled almost as long as me...but at least you weren't relapsing off and on the entire time too, I hope...but I know I'm not the only one who did that either...honestly, I hope I am at a turning point now, I have just the dose for tomorrow left, so I'll refill tomorrow...and...from there on....I hope I can stick to 4 mgs a day, if not, I need to tell my doc that I think I need a higher dose....and depression, cravings...I need to talk to my doc....adn try to just move forward...no one has a perfect live without troubles, the thing is to keep going forward as best we can...

anyywa, thanks so much for sharing that RTL...and I'm glad you're doing ok now....


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 13, 2010 6:42 pm 
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auto, I was most definitely relapsing off and on the whole time. I won't deny that. I can relate so much with what you are/have been through. It took me a long time to get my shit together. (I have now been on sub for 13 months and just 2 months ago really started taking it how I was supposed to. It's hard, it's so hard to break that addict behavior. You can do it this time. If I can, anyone can, trust me.

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Laura

Of course there's such a thing as angels. Only sometimes they don't have wings... and we call them mothers. -Unknown


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 14, 2010 9:17 am 
Auto, I too, have been through a few relapses since I've been on Sub. Then i went through the whole car accident thing with the hydros last month. So I'm just starting to stabilize again, too. Don't think you're the only one who's gone back and forth. The more I stick around here the more I see others have been through the same things I have. We're addicts, after all. This is a day by day fight for all of us, so don't be so hard on yourself.
Lilly

PS. Laura, good idea with the silly band!


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 Post subject: relapsers
PostPosted: Mon Jun 14, 2010 12:52 pm 
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wow...thanks guys....today I think I"m blowing off everything (after I get my refill which is waiting for me now) and going to the beach.....This is my LAST refill..so....I really am determined to take the right dose, or even less now...AND to make an appointment with my doc ...and...the main thing....STILL...I'm away from ,my DOC now and hopefully can STAY away....
Thank you again, RTL and Lily for sharing, and FAD and ReRaise, and Hatmaker and everyone.....


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 Post subject: Check In
PostPosted: Tue Jun 15, 2010 10:15 pm 
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Hey Auto,
Just wanted to "drop" by and see how you are doing today. Hope all is good...... Keep us posted.
Best, FAD :)


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 Post subject: new thread
PostPosted: Tue Jun 15, 2010 11:51 pm 
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Thank you FAD...I started a new thread titled "an autononymous report"...i have a doc appointment for thursday.....yesterday took 6 mgs sub, today probably 5...but...yesterday--dosed twice, today only once! finally! i know i can do this now...problem is i think i am having a manic episode (see other thread) but....luckly that is not too extreme....but..my life feels crazy...but ...what is normal? I also got those insurance papers turned in today....and...i have paid work tomorrow!!!!!

now I'm just trying to catch up on how other people here on the forum are doing too....it does feel like a community to me and I want to give back becasue the people who have reached out and told me they care about how I'm doing really really is meaningful to me....it would be a fulltime job to respond to everyone though....

Thank you so much for checking in FAD, and all the rest of you guys too..this is the first kind of support form my addiction that has ever really felt like it works for me.....it may not be perfect but...in some ways I like that it is just a forum...without a lot of rules...I know there has been talk lately of rules.... on another thread Junky 781 was telling someone that it is ok to discuss ANYTHING as long as not attacking anyone or trying to argue against the use of sub....


sometimes the honor system is a very a tall order ....but when it works...it's most lovely....

i am feeling a new connecting with my fellows lately in the world too...partly this is due to my new unemployed state i think....but..I also realize....really, I am pretty fresh off of a heroin binge.....now it has been over 2 weeks, just on sub and my other psych meds...I cannot expect to be in a really stable mental state, I think, especaily given the other upheaval in my life of late....

so..that is soem answer to you FAD, but basically, I think I am doing better.....at least. stablizing my dose, adn....have gotten my health insurance situation in place, adn have made a doc appointment...


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Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

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