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PostPosted: Sat Mar 02, 2013 5:59 am 
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Things had actually been good the last 2 or 3 weeks. I've felt like I've pulled out of that world entirely. Even when the dealer's called me up I have been rejecting her calls. No desire, no want to use. I almost feel like a different person to the one who was doing that stuff some weeks ago.

Unfortunately my partner couldn't get past what happened. She couldn't get past the deception I'd been spinning about what I was doing at the time, and the fact that I'd been using despite her promise to me that she'd walk out if I ever did it again. She left two days ago, and the more I think about it, the more I understand her decision. I hurt her every time that I used. She loved me so much from the start and believed in our future together, and every time I did that it made that future further out of reach. When I used I did so knowing she'd leave me, but at the time I felt I didn't deserve anyone anyway, let alone someone as kind as her. But she stuck around after the truth came out, and she managed to see me get better, stop using and start smiling again. But apparently she didn't get better with me. That was the last time for her.

I wish she broke it off at the time rather than 2-3 weeks after. But that's often how she processes things - leaves them to stew in her subconscious until she's ready to deal with them. It just makes it harder though because since I pulled myself out of that world 3 weeks ago I could finally see a pathway for us together. I felt like I could actually see me and her in decades to come and me CLEAN by her side working as a team. Maybe I was a bit depressed from the beginning, as I couldn't see myself clean and worthy as a life long partner until just now. But I'd done too much damage to her trust for her to see the same thing.

She was definitely good for me emotionally and spiritually. Some of the things she's said has made me wonder if I've been good for her in any way at all. I've exposed her to a lot of things she wouldn't have been otherwise - mental health stuff, my mate's death, drug use and recovery. They're not "happy happy joy joy" things. I just hope she's taken enough from it to give her some new insight without dampening her happy & carefree & outgoing spirit. I hope now when she sees an (ex)-IVDU patient come into her ward she'll be able to connect with them more, or understand them better than before. Maybe that's what I was meant to leave her with?


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 02, 2013 2:36 pm 
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I definitely think that she will be better off from her experiences with you. If she's in the medical field she will be confronted with addicts and addict behavior quite a bit. Non-addicts usually think that their love and support and ultimatums will change an addict. It's good that she's learned that addiction doesn't work that way most of the time.

I'm sorry that she left after you started to imagine a future with her. That does make it more painful when the relationship falls through. I am extremely glad, however, that you're starting to view the future with more optimism. I almost commented on something you posted yesterday because I've noticed that your outlook has changed for the better. Here's hoping that your life continues on a positive path!

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 08, 2013 6:50 pm 
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Thanks Amy.

Yeah things are a lot better. Uni's back, which is keeping my mind occupied ... work's also gotten challenging. Jumped out of a plane yesterday! That was some scary shit!


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 08, 2013 7:03 pm 
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TeeJay wrote:
Jumped out of a plane yesterday!


WAT?!


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 10, 2013 12:05 am 
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With a parachute ... thankfully.


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 10, 2013 12:40 am 
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Either your parachute opened sucessfully or you landed on your head and bounced! :lol:

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 10, 2013 6:35 pm 
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Hey man, I just now saw this thread and I am very sorry for what you have had to deal with recently. I totally agree with your statement:

TeeJay wrote:
It's like there's a dark side (addiction) and a light side (recovery), and when you're on either side you lose complete touch of what it's like to be on the other.


I agree with everyone else that you contribute a great deal to this forum and I am certainly happy you still are able to. There are some rough paths when dealing with addiction and I definitely know how you feel. You give great advice so I won't tell you anything you don't already know. I hope you do what you have to do get well again, you are definitely strong enough.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 12:16 am 
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Thanks Fireman for the feedback. It's good to feel like I've contributed something good somewhere even if it's on an intranerds forum.

Coming back from the brink again. The last week or two has been in a real haze. Living in the back room of an illegal gay sauna shacked up with a smack dealer. It was chaos. She'd claimed the room off the business owner who was a friend & customer by chopping him out a couple of extra rocks each night relegating him to his couch. It was fucked. Lots of deals, using, driving to probation & parole appointments, missing court appearances cos we'd both passed out from banging smack mixed with unisom gel-caps. Veins caving in one after the other.

After a few days of forgetting to take my meds I started to see things a bit more clearly. I could see I'd started losing weight and was getting sick, and hadn't been to uni for a while. I could see the influence this woman had over people, how many people were willing to do anything to earn her favour. People loved her to her face, and if she asked for anything they'd drop the world to do it for her. But that's how customers are towards dealers. All happy lovey hugs'n'smiles, but the real feelings are often resentment and hatred for profiting off their misery. I wonder if part of her knew it was all fake?

I think she saw me as a potential ticket out of that world given I've had my shit semi-together and been able to experience things other than smack-addiction . I saw her as a rescuing project and had this fucking deluded idea I could be a good influence, and we could work towards something real. I knew the moment she started willingly giving me gear for nothing that idea was out the window, so a few days later I left. I don't wanna die and I don't wanna waste more years of my life fucking with the dark side. When she gets clean herself she can come find me, but it's hard enough for me to rescue myself let alone someone else.

I make no bones about it now. If I wasn't on Suboxone, I'd still be in there throwing my life away. Subs are the reason I'm able to walk away. I woke up one morning, started taking my Sub again, left for work with a clearer head and with a bit of distance and clarity, realised that life is not for me.

And I get back here seeing people still diss this medication as nothing but prescription-heroin. If you saw what I'd seen these last weeks ... people spending 5 hours out their day trying to inject heroin/gel-cap sedative concoctions when all their bodies veins are collapsed, legs and groin covered in bruises and abscesses, syringes full of blood, condoms full of heroin and needles being stuck up a woman's #*@# in case she gets locked up for missing court, a straight man selling his body in a gay sauna just to get a hit.

The difference between Buprenorphine treatment and active-addiction is like DAY and NIGHT, and if you can't see that then maybe you need to go have another look at what addiction's all about.

A couple of things have come from this whole episode. I finally feel like I can say that me on Suboxone = clean. The difference between the world of active addiction and the world of Sub-maintenance is so stark ... so amazingly clear, that my life on Sub is obviously much closer to clean than it is to using. For a long time it's been easy for me to use while on Sub because I didn't consider myself to be clean on Sub anyway. I was in a kinda limbo-land not quite clean, and it made it easy for me to shuffle between using and not using. I actually have her to thank for this moment. There was something about her saying "I think you're clean when you're not using on Sub" while we were jabbing ourselves obsessively that made a penny drop somewhere. Seeing her life, and what my life was becoming, compared to what I was before. It was hard to deny the reality.

I've also wound back my medication to just lithium. My doc might not be happy with this movement but I really feel I can lose myself in a haze of medication. While I don't know / can't say whether clomipramine played a role in my decision to get involved with this person / lifestyle, it's a strange coincidence how many of these bad-life-decisions I make after I'm put on anti-depressants. I'm not going to blame them because there's been a lot of other stuff going on in my life (friend passing, relationship breakup), but I'm wary as ever of this class of medications and their effect on my recovery. It was only after I stopped taking the clomipramine for other reasons that I realised / actually cared that I'd missed 1-2 weeks of uni, wasn't performing my job well. At this stage, lithium is the only psych medication I really trust 100%.

Anyway, gunna strip life back to basics and get on with study. At least it got my mind off my ex. Teejay taking rebound to the next level :?


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 6:24 pm 
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Quite the story, TeeJay. You really went out with a bang, huh? (pun intended)


I had a 'wake up' moment like that too.. well, maybe not exactly like that, but similar in nature. lol The last time I used I found myself in some brazilian-super-model's crappy apartment in China town, NYC. It was this tiny little studio above a Chinese restaurant (I know, what are the odds!?) that was filled with junk. I remember walking in and the kitchen (if you could call it that) was filled with dirty dishes as high as I could see. You couldn't see the floor of the apartment, it was just dirty clothes and cig butts.. cups filled with unidentifiable liquid and more cig butts. I remember the smell, too. The whole time was just really super shady, and after having had some distance from drugs (thanks to maintenance) I remember feeling like it was all wrong. It dawned on me that I was out of place. I no longer fit into that dark underworld where I had been so comfortable not that long ago. Anyway, reading your story made me remember when I had that moment. I never did use heroin again...

I hope this stays fresh in your head... and stop surrounding yourself with people who will only bring you down. Enough already.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 1:20 pm 
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[font=Arial Black] [/font] New here in the Forum and came upon ur posts TJ. My sub doc put me on Lamotragine 200mg/day as a mood stabilizer. I have not cycled in months.


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 03, 2013 10:00 am 
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Hey TeeJay,

Addiction sucks. But it sounds like you are such a fighter, I can tell by the way you write that you have made up your mind about what you want from this life....recovery. I know there are some who disagree about the use of suboxone, but it is a very personal choice. I choose suboxone because it keeps me from hanging out in dead end places with dead end people. Glad to see your back on track dude! :D

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 13, 2013 3:43 am 
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I am guessing you tried the geodons, the abilify's and the zyprexa's with no relief?

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 13, 2013 10:39 am 
Just curios if your absolutely sure your feeling this way because anti depressants aren't working, have you considered that mayby you are experiencing hormone problems or that suboxone no longer is working for you? I have never met anyone who took suboxone and did not develop serious endocrine problems. I know about a dozen people who take suboxone each and every one of them did great for a few years but after that they became miserable. Suboxone can get you out of a hole but you can't just keep taking it. See an endocrinaligist and consider the fact that anti-depressants may not have anything to do with this...you get a 2-5 year honeymoon with suboxone but everybody ends up in a bad place if they don't stop taking it and that's something that nobody will deny if they spend enough time thinking they solved their problems by taking suboxone they are in for a rude awakening in a few years..


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 19, 2013 11:34 pm 
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You are wasting your time with all anti-depressants, lithium, etc....period.

Until you get your drug situation under control (suboxone, rehab) you will NOT get better. It's crazy that in the same paragraph you talk about heroin, depression and suiside...notice a pattern? Look at your post a few months ago when you were taking Suboxone and I am sure you will notice a difference.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 20, 2013 4:14 am 
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Agreed. ^^^^^^^^^^^


So many of us addicts use for years and then when we stop and try to get better..... Feel really shitty emotionally and what not..... So we run to the quickest way to try and feel better. In this case, we try every anti depressant under the sun.


Truth is. Until you really give getting clean a good and honest shot, and try to figure out who you are, what you want, and what truly makes you tick/happy..... No anti depressant is going to matter.


I just find that as soon as you get clean, after using for most of our adult life usually, we have no idea what normal even feels like. We may just be feeling normal feelings and think it's horrible. Most of the time though it's just overwhelming and stressful..... So we try to medicate that at some capacity.


Regardless. Until you really go after some recovery and learn some things about yourself....... No anti depressant or suboxone even is going to really do much for the long haul.... In terms of feeling better or "normal".



This is just my opinion after many years of trial and error. Also. From watching many many many opiate addicts try different things and say it never works.


In the end, it's all laid out for you.... You just have to try a little bit and put some of the foot work in. There is no easy way out of this! It's a shitty realization, but the sooner we accept that, and try our best to do something for ourselves besides put drugs in our bodies...... The better.



Also. If you take anti depressants or other medications like these or even suboxone and tell yourself you don't have a problem with X substances and use these other "non issue" substances........ It will do you no good being an ADDICT.

So many times I read on here from people that are struggling with this or that and blame suboxone or some other medication...... When the whole time they are smoking weed every day or drinking all the time ect.

Do yourself a favor and treat yourself like the addict that you are and don't try to lie to yourself like many others (including me for awhile) and just accept that you can't use drugs, accept that you're an addict, and nothing is going to change unless you work for it. Nothing is instantaneous or found in a miracle drug.



I'm done now lol.


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PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2013 10:59 pm 
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Thanks man for the input and guidance. Is always appreciated. I'm going to have to disagree with just part of that though. The reality is -- there is mental illness. It is real. I've seen it, been there. Experience mania - the feeling of genuinely beliving you're a prophet (literally) while on NO drugs, stone cold sober ... one eye's pupil twice the size of the other .. I experienced my first episode 6 months after I'd taken any drugs - and that was just teenage experimentation with weed. Unfortunately this shit seems to run in my family a bit.

The need to medicate mental health issues is not a manifestation of addiction. Psychotic conditions like schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder and bipolar disorder are very real. If you whipped every sufferer off their medications, you'll be dealing with a potential societal breakdown because of how much homelessness and lawlessness would be going on.

Dual diagnosis stuff - having addiction issues alongside mental health issues - is just a further complication. You can get chicken-and-egg with it, but I don't bother anymore. I've done my head miles over what came first, whether I'm to blame for getting sick etc. Now I just acknowledge I have two conditions that are very interrelated and both need management and constant vigilance, because when one gets out of hand the other comes with it.

Believe me man I've questioned this shit sooo much - whether I need meds. Gone off my meds. I went off lithium at 4-6 months clean in rehab because I didn't wanna believe it. At 13 months clean I was in a paranoid-depression, 2-3 weeks later had a pick-in-my-arm. It can take a while to happen, but it does happen. Ask any of the other dudes at the hospi and they'll say the same thing.

Anyway, I gone on enough. I know I'm an addict.


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PostPosted: Sun May 05, 2013 12:26 pm 
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Hey TJ,

How is your stabilization on Suboxone period going? Are you feeling better yet?

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PostPosted: Sun May 05, 2013 4:02 pm 
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Hey Romes.

Things are starting to get easier, but are still hard. slept from 1-4am justwatching the sun come up now, puffing down smokes like nmo tomorrow. Think I might have pushed it a bit this time, but wherethere's life there's hope.

Cheers fir the concern how are things up your sunny side of the world?


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PostPosted: Sun May 05, 2013 6:37 pm 
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My sunny side of the world has been overcast and rainy for 3 days straight....we've been getting soaked with rain this spring.

Hang in there, Bud. I'm guessing it won't be too much longer before you're feeling pretty good again.

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PostPosted: Mon May 06, 2013 12:10 pm 
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You're right.

I think you said it best about this stuff. That's why it makes me so angry when someone argues that suboxone is horrible and ruined their life. So now they want to use for a year to get off suboxone. Totally addicts.

I guess I know what active addiction looks like and feels like. I don't want that for me or anyone else.

So when someone says suboxone ruined their life and blah blah blah..... It's like hearing active addiction was a breeze in comparison and I just don't understand that... Unless like you said they need to go see some more. Which if they plan to use for a year to get off.... They'll be seeing it soon enough. Gosh. That's so insane it hurts to type.

Hshxhhx.

Thanks for the skinny tj. Needed said and heard by you.


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