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 Post subject: Noobcake
PostPosted: Wed Sep 02, 2009 3:07 am 
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I just found this forum, and have been reading threads for about an hour or so and am so pleased to have found it.

For me, oxycodone was not a social thing. I have no "circle." It was something I used to shield me from what I will often perceive to be a hostile and frightening world. So recovery has been a difficult and often lonely thing. But in just the last few days I've been seeing more and more the fact that I'm not alone at all, which is a wonderful feeling that brings me hope.

My story:

I started using about 16 months ago. I used for roughly two months before I was broke and borrowing money from my family and girlfriend. I got clean cold-turkey and actually felt great. It just felt so good to have my life back and feel in control again. I was eating well, exercising regularly which also helped a great deal. In addition, my roommate and close friend at the time was an addict who was ruining his life with OCs but in complete denial. That is to say I was living with a constant reminder of why I didn't want to use.

Not too surprising that a couple months after this guy was forced to move out, I started using again. This time for a month before my supplier ripped me off and I couldn't score. I took it as a blessing, got clean with the help of two 8mg subs, and decided that it was time for me to move on, packed up and moved to San Francisco.

I managed to live in SF for six months before I learned that the Tenderloin is basically an open-air drug market that specializes in OCs. It was maybe two weeks after I found this out that I was down there trying to score. That was in April. I stopped using at the beginning of August for about two weeks, relapsed for about the same, and have not used OC for three days.

When I initially got clean at the beginning of the month, I went to see an MD for Suboxone. I hadn't read anything about it, but just knew that it could be used to treat WD, and I had used it in the past to ease the WD.

My Dr. told me that he didn't think using the sub to taper me off OCs would do me any good long term. He figured it would just be a matter of time before I ended back in the TL looking to cop. He suggested I commit to taking it for a year, get into an outpatient substance abuse program, and learn ways to learn about and cope with my triggers, living a clean life, while using the subs to ensure a year off OCs.

I have to admit I was/am very skeptical. I know we're not to debate the pros and cons, so I won't go into that. What I will say is that first two weeks off the OCs was at first very easy--it felt great to be off of them and be able to reconnect with a world that I'd been away from for months--and then became very difficult. The thought of living with this forever, of being clean for the rest of my life, was overwhelming. I know it's just a lame excuse, but I used it well, figuring that if I'm going to just relapse eventually anyway, that I may as well do it now and get it over with.

It was terrible. I hated myself for going back to using so quickly. My tolerance hadn't really gone down at all, so I was using a lot which my body hated. By the end of almost two weeks I was bedridden and sick to my stomach. My body and mind were completely out of whack, and although I could feel that my body needed more OC, at the same time it couldn't stand to take anymore. I knew that night that I had to stop.

So the next morning I popped half of an 8mg pill under my tongue and pledged to try again. That was Sunday.

I also realized that this is something I won't be able to do by myself. I've opened up to my older sister, who has a history of substance abuse and works for Teen Challenge, as well as a very close friend here; who are always there if I need to talk, or cry, go for a walk or just sit around.

I decided to try NA. I am not religious (Agnostic), and was very scared to go to my first meeting on Monday. I was terrified of saying the wrong thing and being an outsider or not accepted. Ultimately though, I realized that if not for myself, I had to at least give it a try for the people I love who are supporting me.

So I sucked it up and walked into the meeting. IT IS A FUCKING ATHEIST NA MEETING THREE BLOCKS FROM MY APARTMENT! I'm not going to hate on readings or prayer or the 12 steps. For one because I haven't tried them, and also because I know they work for people, so who am I to do so? But for me, what a relief! Just a room of about ten addicts talking. Sharing and supporting one another.

After the meeting I was so overwhelmed that I began sobbing uncontrollably when I stepped outside. For months I had felt so alone. But sitting in that room I swear that no matter who was talking I heard myself in what they were saying. I felt such an unbelievable sense of belonging that like I said, upon leaving I was simply overwhelmed.

There's another meeting tomorrow, and I'm actually really excited to go and continue getting to know these people, as I have feeling that if I let them, they will be a great deal of help in learning to take control of my addiction.

I don't know what I'm going to do with the Suboxone. I suppose that's one of the reasons I'm here, and sharing with all of you. I currently take about 4mg/day (for the past three days), and that has kept the WD symptoms very manageable.

I've been taking my dose in the morning when I wake up. I then read for a bit before I eat breakfast and have some coffee. Then I usually read some more, do some studying or watch some TV or a movie before eating some lunch after which I try and get outside for some excersize. I'm still quite achy, so it's mainly just going for walks. Still it helps to be outside in the sun.

As I get more comfortable I am going to start running or cycling each day in order to help create dopamine that my brain will be craving. Daily exercise is a great way also to get me eating well and cooking regularly.

I have seven 8mg pills left, which should last me well over two weeks. I plan on taking less and less as the days go by.

Ideally, I can get clean without the subs. I plan on attending 3-4 meetings per week, as well as getting myself therapy. More than anything I want to learn what it is in my life--or is lacking in my life--that is causing me to relapse. I want to learn to understand my triggers, so that I can better control them.

However, I'm not naive--well a little. I understand that I've felt this way before, and gotten clean before; and each time I end up using again. So I understand that committing to an extended period of using Suboxone may very well be my best chance and really achieving my goals.

Well, i now realize that I've been typing away for some time now, and that this post is approaching tl;dr, so I'll leave it at that. If anyone has any questions, by all means ask. I'm open to anything right now that will help me get clean and in control. And I look forward to making some connections here with some people that can help me in finding my way through this.

I'd like to thank you for taking the time to read this and to start to get to know me.

Take care,

HC


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 02, 2009 1:38 pm 
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Quote:
My Dr. told me that he didn't think using the sub to taper me off OCs would do me any good long term. He figured it would just be a matter of time before I ended back in the TL looking to cop. He suggested I commit to taking it for a year, get into an outpatient substance abuse program, and learn ways to learn about and cope with my triggers, living a clean life, while using the subs to ensure a year off OCs.


I think this is good advice. The time that you can put between you and the last time you used OC is more important than you might think. I've found it harder to throw away 2 years of sobriety than it ever was to throw away a month or two of sobriety. You can also cultivate a lot of good habits in a year, you know?

Believe me, I understand the desire to be off Suboxone. I took it for close to 2 years and there were more than a few times that I questioned what I was doing, worried if I was going to have an awful time getting off of it, or felt like I wasn't really "in recovery." But I worked through those doubts, especially as I saw how well I was doing and how much easier it was to fix my life because of the stability Suboxone gave me.

All of the things you are doing for your recovery are great. I would say keep an open mind and be honest with yourself about how you are feeling as you come to the end of your sub supply. Maybe even have an appointment scheduled in case you need it. It seems like it would be better to go back on sub than to relapse, right? If you get off the sub and you feel strong in your recovery and aren't having terrible cravings, that's great. If you do have bad cravings, you know you have another recovery tool at your disposal.

There is another member here, NorCalGirl, who just went through a similar situation. She used Sub to detox for 2 weeks, she is in NA and also exercises a lot. She has a thread about her experience - maybe you two can help each other.

Welcome to the forum and let us know how things work out for you.

_________________
You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.

-Jack Kornfield


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 02, 2009 5:54 pm 
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Glad to have you on the band wagon! Yeah, as you were saying, its really hard to say "I can do this, i can ween myself off", KNOWING that you can actually do it. As others have said here "pseudo-withdrawals" can occur and cause you to take a dose you would usually have not taken during the detox process.

Dont give in and you can do it! Weening off something that DOESNT get you high is a LOT harder in my opinion. I was waiting for my suboxone rx which was a few hours late, and i just tried to fight off the aches and cold turkey. DEFINATLEY good call on the excersize and eating right, hell, even WITH a dependance that can help you so much, to get through the depression. I worked out at a gym during my dependance and it was difficult when i was high, but when i wasnt it really amped up my performance. Gives you incentive to clean up!

Hope you can do it buddy, stick in there.


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 03, 2009 2:10 am 
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Ha! I just noticed your screen name.

Hail Eris!

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 03, 2009 3:53 am 
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Location: new orleans la.
Welcome: It seems like you know what you want and your doing what it takes to get there. Keep up the great work. I must say I agree with Diary of a Quitter in that having a script of subox on hand might come in handy if times get tough while ur starting this process. As you know it's not just getting through the withdraws. It's the whole process. It's the long term the life term that's hard. Changing our way of life is not easy. There will be tough times. Times when u doubt yourself or times of weekness when U just want catch a buzz. This is where one more great tool will help you (subox). People in our situation can use all the tools one can get. NA SA PA? (don't ya think so) I think so. Youll do great. OH one thing, I will say is that never look to far ahead. Try to live in the moment. Live in the day. U know one day at the time. When we start to think of what might be, U know? man, I wont be able to get high anymore or I wont be able to go out and party, things of that nature. Even things like relationships and jobs can fog ones brains. just add more crap on top of the cake. crap U dont need. I am sure U have enough crap as it is. Yes?? You'll do great.

Thanks
Darren


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 04, 2009 6:24 pm 
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darren wrote:
Welcome: It seems like you know what you want and your doing what it takes to get there. Keep up the great work. I must say I agree with Diary of a Quitter in that having a script of subox on hand might come in handy if times get tough while ur starting this process. As you know it's not just getting through the withdraws. It's the whole process. It's the long term the life term that's hard. Changing our way of life is not easy. There will be tough times. Times when u doubt yourself or times of weekness when U just want catch a buzz. This is where one more great tool will help you (subox). People in our situation can use all the tools one can get. NA SA PA? (don't ya think so) I think so. Youll do great. OH one thing, I will say is that never look to far ahead. Try to live in the moment. Live in the day. U know one day at the time. When we start to think of what might be, U know? man, I wont be able to get high anymore or I wont be able to go out and party, things of that nature. Even things like relationships and jobs can fog ones brains. just add more crap on top of the cake. crap U dont need. I am sure U have enough crap as it is. Yes?? You'll do great.

Thanks
Darren


A healthy relationship, and steady good job can really help you stay on track, have with me, i wouldnt even have TRIED to quit if it wasnt for this amazing girl i met. Love her so muchhh, and glad she supported me through all this. She deserves much better than me.

Oh and a job givs you a reason to feel great. If i didnt have my job, the withdrawls and adiction cycles wouldnt have been so bad, you know?

But definately a good post.


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