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PostPosted: Tue Apr 15, 2014 3:14 pm 
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Hi. I'm a 33 year old professional therapeutic consultant and mom to a 7 year old with high functioning autism. On May 9, 2013, I did dope for the last time and started suboxone on a regular basis that I acquire from the street...well not really the street, but one specific person who I know and trust. Anyway, I started on a low dose because even though I had been on opiates for 7 years, I kicked the worst of it when the Opana's ran out and left myself with a $20 to $40 heroin habit daily...

My ex-husband (we split up March 2013 permanently) was my co-dependent. He is still a user. He is an IV user--I never went beyond snorting anything except a single time when we got tar and I was sick as a dog. He couldn't even hit my vein. I gave up, thank God or whoever, and waited on powder.

Anyway, blah blah blah..fast forward...my entire life turned around when I quit. I started taking 1/3 of a N8 strip every day. That was in May 2013. By June 2013, I had cut to 1/4. In August 2013, I got my current amazing job offer. The first time I've ever been out of poverty...the first time I've ever been self-sufficient as an adult in my life. I immediately dropped to 1/6 of a strip. They drug tested me there to get the job. My sub didn't show up. I was elated, obviously, and continued on my merry way. That same month I met my current boyfriend. He is an amazing guy. He has severe hemophilia and internal bleeds for it but refuses all pain medicine. He uses cannabis to cope but that is all. Anyhow, he knew I was an addict, and that I took subs, so on and so forth.

Because of his hemophilia, he did not think he could have children. He had a hernia as a young child and the doctors also told his family he wouldn't be able to be able to have children...so we weren't very careful. I found out about 3 weeks ago that I'm pregnant! The day I found out I knew I had to quit. I immediately cut my dose in half again...so for the past 3 weeks, I've been taking 1/12th of a strip.

Ten days ago I had my first visit to the doctor. It was just a nurse's appointment, but they took a urine sample (of course, that's what they do in pregnancy!). At that appointment, they of course asked if I used drugs, and I said no. Besides my immediate circle, nobody knew I ever had an opiate addiction and even some of my closest friends thought I had already kicked suboxone. My boyfriend knew I was still taking it and trying to quit, but I didn't know how soon I would be able to totally stop.

Yesterday, I went to my first 'real' appointment and saw the actual doctor. He talked to me a bit and then all of a sudden asked if I was "in a suboxone program". I was shocked but not totally. The nurse mentioned they did random drug screenings on patients. I was prepared though because I knew it was a possibility. And honestly, I'm proud of myself. I'm turned my life completely around. For the first time ever, I have a nice car, a nice home, buy my own food, and can buy my child the things he wants! Not to mention I got out of a terrible co-dependent relationship, moved out of housing projects and have a meaningful worthwhile job. So, anyway, I was ready. I told him, "No, I'm not in a program." I stopped there and looked at him. He said, "well that's strange because suboxone came back in your urine screen." That's when I told him, "No, I'm not in a program, but yes, I use suboxone. I quit last May on my own without treatment, without a program, and I've never gone to a meeting in my life." I straightforwardly told him that I plan to quit and I do NOT want to start a program because I know they will up my dose. That's the last thing I want.

He was super understanding. He said he had actually just talked with his co-workers earlier about this issue. You guys have to understand something, I live in a place where 60% of children born at our #1 hospital are addicted to opiates. Wrap your brains around that. Sixty percent. Not ten, not thirty. SIXTY PERCENT. So, my doctor is willing to let me try to continue to taper until I am off. I told him I can do it in two more weeks, he gave me a month.

I know I am taking a very very small amount compared to almost anyone that utilizes suboxone. But it's still enough that when I tried to stop altogether today (instead of taper), that I started to get the feelings of withdrawal. First time I've had them in 11 months. I had crazy thoughts. Crazy. I wasn't even sick, guys! Just uncomfortable. It was only 7 hours past the 'scheduled dose' I usually give myself, when I cut my 1/12th in half and went ahead and took it. So, now an hour later, I've had 1/24th of a suboxone strip. And I feel better.

Can this little tiny amount of sub REALLY keep me from being sick? What if I absolutely can't kick it completely? I mean, 5 hours without my twelfth of a sub and I was thinking about the old days..thinking about the way my body would feel when withdrawal first kicked in. Shit, I came home from work and watched Requiem for a Dream.

Am I absolutely insane? Is this self confidence and stability I've built in the past 11 months a complete lie?

I am definitely hoping to still stop completely within the next month. I'm going to try to wait a full 24 hours from the 1/24th dose and take the same amount. We shall see if it works. But, what if it does? These pieces I'm taking are miniscule. How can I even fathom cutting them in half again in another week? My baby doctor recommended moving them to 36 hours apart them 48 then stopping, but everything I've read here so far states that spreading the dose out may be the worse idea. How can I do this? Any help, suggestions, input, support, or whatever is appreciated.

Sorry my first post is practically a novel, but I wanted to lay it all on the line here. Thanks for reading and listening.


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 17, 2014 10:50 am 
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And I guess none of this really matters now...because yesterday at my ultrasound they said they think I lost the baby. It's not measuring and they couldn't detect a heartbeat.

The doctor assured me it had nothing to do with the suboxone use though and I'm going back Monday for a second ultrasound to confirm that I wasn't just wrong on my dates....if there is still no heartbeat, then I will have a D & C the next day.

I've felt so completely self-destructive for the first time in over a year. This is awful. This is miserable. I hate life and everything in it and I've never wanted to use so bad in my life. But I didn't. So there's that I guess...

I probably won't be back to the forum for awhile. Sorry to bombard all of you with my life story and problems when nobody here even knows me. I hope you are all doing well.


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 17, 2014 11:06 am 
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Oh my... I am so sorry! I can't even imagine going through what you are! I did read something about if the ovulation date was wrong, that it is possible to not see the baby or heartbeat yet. So please don't give up hope!! I hope you decide to stick around here, and let us know how you're doing. I'm praying for you and praying the next ultrasound will be better news! Try to stay calm while you're waiting, the best you can anyway! I'm here if you need someone to talk to! Keep thinking positive thoughts!

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 17, 2014 3:12 pm 
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Thank you for your kind words and support. I'm really just so stressed out now. I took the day off of work and am just trying to process all of this.

I appreciate your response, Emmy. I will update again. If the baby is gone, I don't think I'm ready to stop completely yet...


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 17, 2014 3:19 pm 
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I'm so sorry for your loss! It's heartbreaking, no matter what the circumstances!

I don't mean to be insensitive at all, but did the doctor say that there was a chance of the baby having hemophilia, or would you also have to be a carrier of that genetic problem?

Please don't give up on your recovery! I can't imagine your loss, but I know your 7 year old still depends on her awesome mom!

Again, I am so sorry. :(

Amy

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 20, 2014 1:48 pm 
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Glitter- I've been thinking about you and hope you are doing ok. Tomorrow is the ultrasound right? I'm praying and will be praying tomorrow! If the ultrasound doesn't bring any good news, just remember I'm here if you need someone to talk to.

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 27, 2014 3:28 pm 
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Any update?? Worried about you! Hope you're doing ok!

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