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PostPosted: Sat Jun 26, 2010 3:18 pm 
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Hi, I am new to this forum, and was hoping to share my story, maybe to give some people some inspiration.

My name is Sarah, 26 years old. When I was 18 I tried my first pain pill. Used and abused until I was 24, and put on Suboxone. I knew nothing about Suboxone, and at the time, was too weak to understand to just get off the narcs, go through crappy withdrawal, and move on. I met my sub doctor, whom actually is a pretty awesome doctor. I started on 2 8mg pills a day. When I started Suboxone, I had just had my second child. Was recently married to my current husband. So not only was I dealing with this addiction, but had so many other responsibilities at the time as well.

Anyway, got my life together on the suboxone. Had my third child about a year ago, thankfully he had no withdrawal from the Suboxone when he was born. The last year I had been tapering. The whole taper thing was hell, was constantly having cravings, and so I would just end up taking more of my Suboxone,running out at the end of the month, having to lie to my Sub doc and the pharmacy, paying for pills because my insurance wouldn't cover it so soon, blah, blah, blah.

One day, about 3 weeks ago, I just decided out of no where, that I was freaking done. Im starting up school again in a couple months, my marriage was falling apart, have 3 small kids (5yrs, 3 yrs, and 1 yr) and 26 years old. I completely stopped taking it one day, threw out the medication, and was done. At the time I was on anywhere from 1-2 8mg subs a day.

First few days were ok. Day five is when it hit the hardest. Constant muscle stiffness, lethargy, diareah, shakes, temperature, cravings, everything. It slammed me in the face. The worst lasted from day five to about day 14. Ten days of pure hell, physically, and mentally. And I was still going to work, and taking care of three kids while hubby was at work. Never was I able to go to sleep when I wanted to, or to just lay on the couch when I felt the worst, because I had these kids to take care of. OH MY GOD, I don't know HOW I made it through that with all those kids. I just hung on to the night time, when they would go to bed. Then I would be so tired, but couldn't sleep.

So by day 16, one morning, I woke up, and felt normal. Its been 23 days now, I still have some lingering withdrawal, like insomnia, and a little depression. BUT I FEEL AMAZING COMPARED TO WEEKS AGO! AMAZING! I also forgot to mention that I was on an antidepressant, Cymbalta, and quit that cold turkey as well.

Getting off of this medication saved my marriage. It changed my life. I am now who I remember I was years ago, and I like myself. My husband and my children have me back.

This has been by far the hardest thing I have ever done. But I just always kept it in my head, pain before pleasure, keep on pushing, try, try, try, do this, do this, do this. And I did. And now I am reaping the benefits. I can feel every feeling from one end of the spectrum to the other, the good, bad and ugly. But during the hard times, I just tell myself that this is life. We are SUPPOSED to be sad, mad, angry some of the time. We are supposed to feel these feelings so that we can reevaluate our lives, and make changes for the better.

I just want people to know, if you are scared of getting off of this medication and are stuggeling doing it, take heart. When it comes to addiction, I am weak. But one day I decided I was done. I wanted my life and myself back, and when you get to that point, you can do anything. Get through the withdrawal, I PROMISE IT IS WORTH IT!! If I came off cold turkey from 1-2 8 mg a day, went through withdrawal, took care of 3 kids, cleaned house, made meals, went to work, THROUGH IT ALL, then LISTEN------YOU CAN TOO!

If anyone has any questions, let me know. I am so more than willing to help anyone get through this horrific mess we have gotten ourselves into. I would love to be help to anyone.

Thanks for listening.
--Sarah


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 27, 2010 1:23 pm 
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Sarahsweet-

Hello and welcome to the site. After reading your post, I felt compelled to let you know about things I experienced recently and my personal situation was quite similar to yours. Everything else aside, I am speaking to you as one person recovering to another. I understand how being on Suboxone and Cymbalta can affect a family, a marriage, an education- I too was taking both of these drugs simultaneously. I know what happens in regards to intimacy- that alone is more than enough reason to want to be done with the medications. Some things you said concern me though:

Quote:
The whole taper thing was hell, was constantly having cravings, and so I would just end up taking more of my Suboxone,running out at the end of the month, having to lie to my Sub doc and the pharmacy, paying for pills because my insurance wouldn't cover it so soon, blah, blah, blah.
One day, about 3 weeks ago, I just decided out of no where, that I was freaking done. Im starting up school again in a couple months, my marriage was falling apart, have 3 small kids (5yrs, 3 yrs, and 1 yr) and 26 years old. I completely stopped taking it one day, threw out the medication, and was done. At the time I was on anywhere from 1-2 8mg subs a day.


If you were taking more than you needed to deal with cravings, lying to your doctor and pharmacist, paying cash early- these are all red flag behaviors. Things that signal trouble on the horizon and then out of nowhere you just decide to stop the medication all together? It is safe to say you jumped off a very high dose of Suboxone and while you may be dealing with it, I don't think you realize just how long it is going to take to truly recover from what you have done. Before you get upset, understand I know what I am talking about because I jumped off a high dose of Suboxone too. At nearly two months off Sub, I realized I made a huge mistake and went back on it so that I could properly taper off the drug when I felt the time was right. Sixty days off of Sub and I had thought the worst was behind me, I was working so hard at convincing my friends and myself everything was great, I never stopped to realize how much PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome) was affecting me. The PAWS did not even kick in til I was about six weeks out.

Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) has three major areas of impact upon the individual:

Cognitive: PAWS creates many difficulties with cognitive processes. Racing or recycling thoughts are often noted and found to be highly distracting by the individual. Thoughts may be scattered and even a lack of coherence at times may be present. Others may notice a certain rigidity of thinking and lack of required flexibility Concentration and attention span may be impaired. Confusion may be present. Prioritization by the individual will likely be a difficulty for six to twelve months.

Emotional: PAWS tends to create in individuals either a lack of or excess of emotion. The individual may be hyper reactive emotionally. Even small events of little consequence may loom large in his/her mind and create strong reactions. This may lead others to suspect a relapse or create social withdrawal. Shame emotions may be noted. Conversely, The individual may notice a numbing of emotions. The inability to feel impairs proper emotional bonding with friends and family during the early recovery process.

Memory: Memory is frequently the most noted PAWS problem. Recently learned information may be quickly forgotten. Information may be retained for a short time (days/weeks) and then lost, requiring the individual to learn it anew. As recovery requires inspection of the past, the individual may discover that developmental and childhood memories are totally absent or only remembered in a spotty fashion.

No I don't think anyone who stops sub is doomed to fail, but I felt if anyone could jump off a high dose and deal with it well- it was me. I always felt I was strong enough to deal with whatever that would bring, and I was wrong. The symptoms listed above are REAL and I did experience them much to my surprise. I thought I was losing my mind- it scared the hell out of me. You just can't fight the truth, please be aware of what I mentioned and realize there is no shame in taking time to get well.
I am in school also and I knew there was NO WAY I could have gotten through classes in the frame of mind I was in when I jumped off Sub. I tapered off Cymbalta back in November last year and spent the entire month of December getting back to normal from that. I am glad I did, but Subxone is going to require more time and patience.
Again, I wish you well, but hope you reconsider your decision. I firmly believe you are nowhere near done dealing with what jumping off that dose of Suboxone is going to do to you. If you want to talk more, feel free to PM me.

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PostPosted: Sun Jun 27, 2010 9:40 pm 
Welcome Sarahsweet! Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. You have received a reply to your post from probably the most 'perfect' member as she has been through exactly what you have. She has given you some good things to think about.
I just wanted to add, that while I have not cold-turkeyed off Suboxone, I have off of high quantities of very powerful narctotics.....IV Fentanyl, IV Demerol, IV hydromorphone, oral oxycodone and hydrocodone, Soma and Ambien. I was doing all those drugs interchangeably for many months, every day. Because of the circumstances I was in, there was no other choice but to stop them all cold-turkey with NO other drugs for comfort, not even benedryl. In hindsight, I know that I should have gone inpatient somewhere, and had I known what I was in for or been able at the time to be completely honest about all the drugs I had on board, someone probably would have insisted I go to detox somewhere. But I didn't. And it was rough to put it mildly. The acute withdrawals were so severe that at many times I wanted to die, literally! But I got through it. Once that first week or two of the acutes passed, I thought I'd be okay. I would have times were I felt somewhere near normal and a few times (maybe kind of like where you are now) where I felt great. In recovery circles they sometimes refer to that as the "pink cloud." But then weeks and weeks later, months later, PAWS symptoms would come over me in waves....big waves.....nearly debilitating. I just don't know that it can be adequately described. I tried for 9-10 months to make it before realizing that I was going to need more help. Enter Suboxone. I started it because of PAWS, not because of a big relapse or even outright desperation. I just couldn't continue on feeling the way I did in PAWS. So I guess I'm just mirroring back what Shelwoy has shared with you.
It's great that you decided to 'start over' and try to 'flush' it all and put it all behind you and get your life back. We can all relate to that. But the truth is that the drugs have done so much damage that it takes time and a real slow taper off Suboxone in order to give us a good shot at long-term sobriety when the time is right to come off Sub. For some people, that time may be never and that's okay too. Just know that just because you feel so good right now.....doesn't mean it's over. Your addiction is waiting around the corner to try to kick your ass again. This disease often takes us back when we are feeling good and strong and when we are 'clean.' So be very careful
I hope that you are different and that you are done with it all. You may be one of a few who could do what you did and never go back. For most of us though, we have to do that slow taper so that our brains can be allowed to have some healing take place.....a gradual withdrawal from the opiate stimulation (which is in part how bupe works) in order to allow our brains to gradually begin to produce its natural chemicals that we have replaced with opiates all this time. I know the tapering thing is daunting.....I'm staring it down too and wishing I could just go ahead and be done right now at ~1mg/day. But I know that if I don't want to go through horrible PAWS again (and I don't) I have to do this the way so many others here have. Then I'll have a chance.
Again, I hope it all works out for you. But just be careful and know that if things do change.....get too difficult after more time passes....there is nothing wrong with doing as Shelwoy did and restrart Suboxone. Above all, just don't go back to your former drugs of choice. Wishing you the best with it! Please let us know how you do going forward!


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 28, 2010 9:26 am 
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Hi Sarahsweet and welcome!

I wanted to say hello and welcome you to the forum, but I also wanted to mention that if anyone who is new to suboxone is reading what you wrote (and I mean no offense by this at all) the way you just stopped using suboxone and Cymbalta is actually very, very dangerous and pretty much the definition of how NOT TO get off these drugs.

Now, please don't misunderstand me here. I am thrilled that you have come here and shared your experience as I think it is very important for every addict to learn about the various paths that we take through this addiction and recovery process, but we all have to remember that we are NOT doctors and the fact is, our best thinking is what got us into this addiction mess in the first place......I'm pretty sure if you spoke to 100 doctors and told them what you just told us, you'd be hard pressed to find even ONE doctor who would be willing to give their approval for the way you got yourself off the suboxone.

And so now the question is what are you doing to STAY clean? Because I didn't really read anything in your post about what you are going to do now. And given that only about 3% to 5% of drug addicts are able to maintain long term abstinence from drugs without medical assistance, I guess I'm keenly interested in hearing about your recovery plan now that you've eliminated the medication from the equation.

Again, please don't misunderstand - I want nothing but success for you and I sincerely hope you are able to maintain your sobriety, but I am very curious to know what you intend to do in order to maintain it, because the fact is, doing nothing puts you in the 95% to 97% group that eventually ends up relapsing and I'm pretty sure you don't want that to happen, right?


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 30, 2010 8:12 am 
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Thanks, everyone, for your reply. I really do appreciate the thoughts and concern.

Um, I don't really know how to answer all this! I agree, that how I got off the Suboxone, at the dose I was on, was not the correct way. My Suboxone doctor did not agree to it, nor approve. Although it is SO hard to explain what was going through my mind, all I can say is that I decided I was done with that medication. I wanted to be done mentally and physically, and some how had the determination to just do it. And I did. In my original post, I am not reccomending anyone with an addiction to do what I did. In my post, I just told my story. The truth.

After going through that terrible withdrawal, today, almost 4 weeks later, I feel wonderful for the most part. I have a few lingering symptoms, but nothing comparred to three weeks ago. Regarding the PAWS--I read about them, I know about them, and I know I'm not out of the water. I plan on going through them with the same determination I have had all along the last 4 weeks. If it wants to knock me off my butt again, BRING IT ON! I will do and go through ANYTHING, just to be clean. I am holding on to my sobriety with a vengance. And I am not letting go.

How am I handeling my recovery now? SUPPORT, SUPPORT, SUPPORT! I have a huge support system, and at least 5 or 6 very important people who have held my hand through this all, and continue to today. I talk to them everyday. I call them when I'm sad, mad, happy. I have to, I know this.

I am still seeing my Suboxone doctor, even though I am not on the Suboxone anymore. His wife is a counselor in the same office, whom I have seen the last year, and whom I still see once a week. My Sub doctor, and my counselor have agreed that it is important that I keep seeing them and keep in contact with them for probably the next year. My doctor is interested, as well, on how I am doing this! I started working out again, actually when I was going through the withdrawal, which helps a ton. I feel healthier, I eat healthier, and I can not forget how HUGE that is in recovery. I start up school again in a couple months. I only have a couple semesters left. It is so important to me. And now matter what I may be going through a couple months down the road, I WILL FINISH SCHOOL, NO MATTER WHAT. I have three young children, 5 yrs, 3 yrs, and 1 yr, that I have had to become healthy for. They were my biggest reason for getting off the meds, so that I could have healthy relationships with them, be clear minded with them, and set a good example. I feel like, wait, I KNOW that if I could go through withdrawal from Suboxone feeling the way I felt 3 weeks ago, and still take care of these kids, clean, cook, and all the other responsibilities they entail, I CAN DO ANYTHING. That was straight up HARD SHIT! But I did it, and I am proud of myself. And I am never going back.

I don't know if any of this has made sense to anyone. I understand that you do not agree with how I came off my meds. I'm a smart girl, and know deep down that it wasn't the right way either. But at this point, I am so freaking proud to say that I did do it. And once I got that determination I got 4 weeks ago to do what I did, there wasn't anything that was going to stop me. I wanted OFF. I wanted to be HEALTHY again. I wanted to be ME again. I wanted to know everything about myself that I hid all along! I wanted to love my husband again, I felt like the Suboxone was hindering that. I WANTED TO BE CLEAN. And now, no matter what comes my way, there is nothing that will EVER take me back to Suboxone, or any other mind altering drug. I love myself now, the good bad and the ugly. I am doing this. And I am proud. And I'm not going to stop.

Take care everyone! Sarah


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 30, 2010 8:31 am 
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It's great to hear you're doing so well, Sarah, really it is. And I hope you continue to do well.

Just a couple of things I wanted to respond to. Do you really think Suboxone kept you from being healthy and "clean"? That it "hid" who you are? I only bring this up because I don't want newcomers or lurkers who are considering suboxone, a medication that can no doubt save their life, to read that and think that suboxone is "mind-altering" or that it will hide their personality. Yes, it is a type of opiate, but it doesn't make us high and it's clearly arguable that it alters the mind.

Please don't misunderstand. I'm not saying your personal reasons for getting off of it aren't right for you, because only you can decide that. And like I said, I'm pleased to hear you're doing well and that you got through the acute withdrawals (especially considering all the horror stories out there). It sounds like you have a great support system in place and it's good that you're continuing counseling. I think that will go a long way in helping you to stay in remission. Take care and please keep us posted on how you're doing.

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 30, 2010 8:56 am 
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Thank you, for your reply.

About the Suboxone, I can only relate to what I experienced from it. FROM MY EXPERIENCE--Suboxone DID help me to straigten my life out while I was on it for the first year. It was able to keep me clean from the other drugs, and to take my recovery seriously. However, during my second year on it, I HONESTLY can not say whether or not it was the drug or life circumstances, but I became very unmotivated, almost lethargic. I was on an antidepressant too, so I couldn't understand why I had this lethargic, depressing feeling. I guess toward the end of my time with Suboxone, I reevaluted my life. I knew I had to make a change. 26 years old, married, 3 small kids, going back to school, recovery, I just felt like I needed to make a change, a big one, because I coulnd't go on feeling that way. That's when I decided to get off of it. And since then, I can feel every feeling from one spectrum to the other, which I am considering a very good thing. I laugh again, I smile again, I have motivation again. I don't have that gloom feeling. That depressing feeling is gone. I have drive to be healthier, and to do healthy things. I have energy back. I don't want to say the Suboxone was doing that to me, but I can only relate to what I felt then and how I feel now. It is just my experience, but I DO WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR that Suboxone WAS THE RIGHT THING FOR ME WHEN I GOT ON IT. But now, I don't know how I feel about the long term use of it. Right now, I feel like I needed to make that last step, and get off the Suboxone. I feel like, NOW, I can completely recover from this addiction.

I don't want to hinder anyone from getting on Suboxone. That is not my purpose. But I think it too, is important that others can read about experiences as well.
Thanks! --Sarah


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 30, 2010 9:24 am 
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Good for you going all the way to where you are. I can't and know it to be true....so I won't try yet. You've covered all your bases with the ones you love around you. You've maintained contact with your sub doc and seek council from the same place you started your treatment. Sounds to me like "best laid plans". I've had best laid plans blow up in my face....but everyone is different....reacts to subs differently. You could take to people who were dependent on the same daily dose of opiate and have them feeling better on two different doses of suboxone. Your life around you is becoming clearer and dearer which I think is going to drive you passionately to succeed regardless of other peoples track records (pardon the pun)

The curious info seekers, lurkers and members of this site should and do know better than to run with one experience as the absolute finite way suboxone makes a person feel. I thought this forum/site was somewhere to share our individual stories about suboxone and how it got us from A (dependent and seeking) to B (maintaining and in control/clean). Some take the straight line between two points in an admittedly hurried fashion others more of a sinusoidal winding road. But there is one commonality, and that is suboxone was the stepping stone that got all of us here starting out on the right foot.

We are all doing the same thing....reading someones moments in time....offering advice and support.....posing questions that we think they might not have considered....referring them to sources and statistics to keep them informed. This is what makes this site great. If someone felt unlike themselves while on suboxone, who would know better than they. The one question would be...and my therapist asked me this....after such a long habit do you remember yourself clearly, as who you were and how different things made you feel before opiates.

Stay strong Sarahsweet....you do sound like a smart person, keep your support close
Finish school and be a good mom.....like you need to be told


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 30, 2010 9:50 am 
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Cheshire-Thank you for your post, it meant a lot. And you are so right! Everyone has a different experience on Suboxone, everyone reacts differently to it, everyone has a story as to how they got on it, and as to how they are going to get off of it or have gotten off of it. But what about the truth? What about the horrific truth that got us all here, and how it all ends? I feel like when one tells thier story, especially regarding addiction, it is so important to be honest. Back in the depths of our addictions, we've lied, stole, weren't honest with ourselves or others. So what is recovery without honesty? I don't want to dieter anyone from getting on Suboxone, but when I tell my story, I feel like I shouldn't leave anything out. Besides, when an individual makes the choice to get on Suboxone, that is their very own choices, based on their lives and experiences and situation at the time.

As for your question, do I remember myself clearly? Like before my addiction started? Now that I am not on anything? Honestly, I do remember who I was before I started this addiction. And I was a sad and lonely person, on the road to self medicating. Life circumstances had me down, I dealt with depression. I was a sad person, and for as long as I can remember, I always had been. So the difference now, is that I don't have to feel that way anymore. I've gotten the tools to help me through the sad times. I've figured out to watch every feeling, and to deal with it right then and there. When I am sad, I have to think about why, and what I can do to change it. But what I am finding out, as I am doing all this hard work, that I am reaping the benefits. As each day goes by, I don't have to struggle through the day as much as I did the day before that, and the day before that. I feel waves of happiness, and so I know that those good feelings are there, and if I work hard at it, they will be there more. I have to keep telling myself to do the right thing, in every situation. And ok, maybe it took me the whole 26 years of my life to figure this out, but, the MORE right things I do, THE BETTER I FEEL. The better I feel, the more RIGHT THINGS I DO. And for god's sake, life is SO MUCH EASIER doing the RIGHT THINGS!!

--Sarah


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 30, 2010 11:25 am 
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We are here with you Sarahsweet to support you in any way we can. I also want to commend you on the very eloquent replies you had to all the comments and questions you had to deal with. Instead of taking offense and jumping on the defensive you took it all with the nature it was intended. Care and concern. I wish you the best and please continue to seek support here and elsewhere when needed.

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 Post subject: Well said everyone....
PostPosted: Wed Jun 30, 2010 1:13 pm 
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I am totally new to this site as of last week, and I find that I can't keep from having it in one of my active windows/tabs constantly no matter what I am doing...be it work or pleasure. :wink:

Eloquent is a very good word to describe her responses.
I've said it before, this site has some very articulate and intelligent members. The conversations never escalate to where anyone is using offensive/defensive tones in their posts. It is truly a pleasure to see people, who are healing from one of the most debilitating afflictions anyone can suffer from, treating everyone and all topics with civility and thoughtfulness.

I can honestly say that before I started my "sub-routine" (like rebooting a computer i.e. my brain) I was far from civil or thoughtful....to much of me was selfish. So a big thanks to Suboxone and the Subox Doc for giving us the opportunity to realize once again what life can be like and that we are anything but alone.

Since you started this thread Sarahsweet.....I will thank you as well for being the provoker of thoughts. Again, good luck to you in all you do. :D


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comp glitch double posting....sorry ...performed edit


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 30, 2010 3:04 pm 
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Thanks, you guys. That is really sweet! And good to hear. When it comes to addiction, EVERYBODY has their story, that is why I didn't feel the need to get defensive over all the questions and concern. I'm just here to be honest and supportive. Cheshire--some of the most intelligent people I know have been through hell and back with an addiction (including my Sub doctor, whom was actually an alcoholic). It affects all walks of life, that is so forsure. I go to a Monday night meeting that I absolutely love because out of the twenty people that go usually, the type of people range from homeless to men in business suites. It is so REAL. And once addicted, no matter where you come from, you have a connection with other addicts that you just can not explain.

Coming out of this addiction, I have a whole new prespective on life. I have been selfish too, for too many years. But now that I can recover I see myself getting wiser, more patient with others, more respectful, and...well..the list goes on. Really. Addiction is PAIN, PAIN, PAIN. I am rising above that pain now, and I so want to encourage others, that if I can do it, so can they!

Thanks so much, everyone, for your support!

--Sarah


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 30, 2010 3:26 pm 
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Everyone reacts to drugs differently, which is why most drugs have a litany of side-effects. No two people will react exactly the same way to any drug. Given that suboxone is a powerful opiate, it is certainly well within the realm of possibility that it could produce the side effects you have described, Sarah, and in fact you are not the first person I have heard of who has experienced these kinds of side effects from it.

Personally, I've not experienced side effects of that kind and I am presently in the middle of my second year on suboxone. In fact, at this point, if I were not taking the medication each morning I would not even know I was on it, because I go to the gym every day, I work out, I walk my dogs, I water and mow my lawn, I play my music (I'm in a band and currently recording an album) and I have a thriving professional career, none of which have suffered one bit due to my daily use of suboxone, and in fact, I'm doing better than ever with my career AND my personal life since getting on this medication, so for me it's truly been a life saver and I have no plans of any kind with respect to getting off this medication.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 30, 2010 4:28 pm 
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Junkie--thanks for your reply. And so there are the differences between two people right there! First of all, good for you for doing all these healthy things! And for enjoying life! Like I said, I was half way through my second year when I got off of it 4 weeks ago. But I was far from doing as well as you are doing right now. I had no enthusiasm, no motivation, dragging, dragging, dragging. And like I said before, I am not blaming the Suboxone for those things. But I felt like I had to find out. And NOW, I work out, enjoy my kids, love my husband around the world and back, and SO EXCITED to start up school again in September, and feel awesome. So for YOU--it sounds like the right thing to do is to keep on keeping on with what you are doing! Because it is WORKING! For me, I had to make a change, because it wasn't working, and I wanted a better quality of life. Just two examples of 2 different people going through different experiences while on Suboxone for 2 and a half years! Although there are differences, it is up to US to decide what is working and what is not, and to take it from there.

Take care! --Sarah


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 30, 2010 4:30 pm 
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oopps, I meant to say that I was almost half way through my third year on Suboxone. Don't know how to edit it. Ah well.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 30, 2010 8:11 pm 
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I'm feeling a little down tonight, can't put my finger on it really. I'm a little stressed with the kids. I had today off work, and tomarrow off too, and now I'm wondering how I'm going to make it through one more day with them! Don't get me wrong, I love my babies, but they are all just still so little, and so close in age. Today I felt like I was putting one fire out after another. Just when I get breakfast on the table, someone needs somthing right there after, have to clean up breakfast, as soon as I'm done doing that I feel like I'm already making lunch, then cleaning that up, then getting ready for dinner, and then not to mention having to deal with nap time, changing diapers, running ragged after them, CONSTANTLY ON THE MOVE! Thank god hubby is home, and thank god it's bed time now! It's funny because tonight my 3 year old was sitting on our dinner table, I looked at her and asked her to get off the table, and honestly I was thinking, what in God's name makes her think she can do that?! My husband was looking at me weird and then said, "Sar, she's been doing that for the last year." Oh. I guess it never phased me just a month ago, but now that I've been off the Suboxone, I have been seeing a lot of things that I used to put up with, that I can't even phathom now! It's been kind of weird how these things have come up, like, right in my face. And now it's my responsibility to deal with them the best I know how.

It feels good to vent. I know I'm babbling, but I feel like when I'm feeling down, I need to get my support in order right away, and I thought I'd come on here and post. My husband is so good to me, and there for me completely, and I've already told him tonight that I'm feeling down. But now he's mowing the lawn, and I had to do somthing to keep myself busy!

Ok, well thanks for listening. I'm going to go relax on the couch and prepare for another day with these kids! I am so glad I work! I am not the stay at home kind of person, and I love my job. I work in the Maternity ward at our hospital, and DAMN I love, love, love being able to talk to adults for 8 hours! I love my kids too, I don't want to sound like I'm trying to get away from them. But I consider my job a break! Have a good night, everybody!

--Sarah


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 30, 2010 8:21 pm 
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I'm sorry you've had a rough day, Sarah. But I'm glad you feel comfortable turning to the forum to vent and for support. I say kudos to you! You've got your hands full, but you're handling it! I know it's hard, but you ARE doing it. And you deserve a pat on the back for that.

Hang in there and vent all you want. We're here!

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 30, 2010 8:32 pm 
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Hatmaker--thank you, your words are comforting! That's what I keep telling myself, I AM HANDLING IT! Really, I have no choice. I have a lot on my plate, that's why the support is SO HUGE! I keep telling myself, too, "Sarah, take a breath. You are handling a lot. You had your third baby by the age of 24, most people don't have that many kids so early. You are off your meds, and YOU ARE GOING TO DO THIS!" I don't know how many times in the last 4 weeks I have had to look myself straight in the mirror in the morning and say, "Come on, Sarah. You have to get moving now, you HAVE to do this, you have these kids, you HAVE to be their mother, and be strong." It helps actually. And today has been a rough day, but at least I know when I have to start talking to myself like that. It's been years since I've dealt with this kind of stress without a single medication in my system. It's going to take time, and I have to be gentle with myself. Honestly, right now, all I can do is be thankful. Mothers have lost their children due to addiction. They have lost everything. It's been five years since I've had my first child, gotten married, had two more, and I still wonder, to this day, how in God's name I still have what I have. I still have all my kids under my roof. I have full resposibiltiy for them. My husband never left me even after all I have put him through with this addiction. I AM SO FREAKING THANKFUL. I go to meetings with mothers who have lost their children, and they cry in pain over it. I can't even fathom. But I am understand why and how that happens, and can only be thankful for what I have now. My days may be hard and stressful. But damnit, I am sober. And I will never go back. Ever.

Really, thanks for listening you guys, thank you.

--Sarah


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 01, 2010 7:05 am 
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Thanks guys, for listening last night. I'm feeling much better today, just probably needed some sleep. And obviously needed to vent! Today's going to be a good day. Off with the kids, going to work out at nap time, then go to my parents for dinner.

I hope everyone has a good day!

--Sarah


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Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

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