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 Post subject: New :)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2015 1:43 pm 
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Hi everyone. I am a 37 year old married mother of 5 gorgeous kids and have been on suboxone for around 2 years now.

Im at a point in my life where I really need to get some actual recovery under my belt again and trying to figure out what is going to work for me. I attended NA meetings for many years in my early 20's and found them so beneficial and would really love to go back. I did go back for a short period about a year ago before we relocated back to the city but did not mention the suboxone for fear of being outcast or not allowed to share. I stopped going because honesty is the key and it just didn't feel right :(. But I NEED fellowship, I need something more than I am doing right now and NA has helped me more than counsellors, psychs, hospitals, rehabs etc etc.

I have a long history of addiction and eating disorders (also an addiction) but i was totally clean throughout my child bearing years....and relapsed when we nearly lost our youngest child. Though I was clean, I was still in the grips of a raging eating disorder so don't feel I have ever really properly faced my issues. I've always been addicted to something. I've always worked full time and have 5 amazing, talented children but im not ok, im ok for the kids, I put on a brave face for the world but im not ok.

I don't want to be on suboxone forever but im currently on 32mg a day so it's going to be a long road, and without recovery I will relapse, I still feel like using most days though don't for the sake of my children and husband.

Sorry to waffle on, it's just meant to be an introduction. Im lonely,I had to stop work due to being hospitalised with pneumonia and while I adore my children's company, I feel like I have retreated from society a bit due to this core belief that 'everyone hates me' and I do think the large amount of suboxone is somewhat stealing my soul.

Has anyone had any good experiences with NA and suboxone? I know back in the day, you were not even considered clean if you were on anti depressants so im scared but desperately need something. There is nothing like being around fellow addicts as nobody else, as well meaning as they may be, actually 'get it', and the only time I feel I am truly myself is in the company of others in recovery.

Sorry again for the long intro, it's been a long time since I've spoken to anyone. Thank you.


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 Post subject: Re: New :)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2015 2:00 pm 
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I'm going to let Razor comment on this one. He is involved with a group who uses opiate replacement therapy as their primary way of staying clean.

Other than that, if you really want off, read the posts in the Stopping Suboxone section and you'll see how it's done. Slow and steady is the key. And that is true with any drug that your body becomes dependent on. I tried and tried to get off Effexor for years with no luck. The side effects were terrible. Dr. Junig, our resident physician here told me to reduce my dose by 20% every two weeks. That did it and now I'm off and feeling so much better. It took me almost 3 months to get off it. With Suboxone, I would spread it out even further so as not to have such bad withdrawals.

Welcome to the group!

rule

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Don't take yourself so damn seriously


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 Post subject: Re: New :)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2015 2:07 pm 
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Thanks.

Im not ready to be off yet, as mentioned, I have a lifetime of 'stuff' to deal with before I can successfully do that, but I am wanting to reduce my dose but very very slowly as my life is non stop and I can't be sick.

Thanks for the reply and welcome.


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 Post subject: Re: New :)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2015 5:48 pm 
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Hi French, how ya doin? Glad you found us. This is the place to find answers to questions and to learn the questions you were not even aware of.

I do understand the need for fellowships and fellowshiping with others in this fight . The best thing about these groups including this very forum is feeling that people care and can help. I read that you feel alone, me too sometimes. Ive been at this for almost 5 years. Cant believe it myself but after useing something for 34 years, opiates for the last 4 hears of my active addiction, that im "Clean Enough " today. And theres the rub huh?, traditional recovery attitudes feel we need to be cleaner, "off everything ", Drug free!, wouldn't that be nice. Then we could fit in with all the rest of them.
The problem is people are dieing at a rate that just keeps going up and up and up. The new CDC numbers came out just last week, 120 people aday now die of opioid addict every day . Think of that, thats what,4 an hour. .

The old ways havnt worked for most people, for some yes but the opiate addict has a craving that can pop up and Kill.

So we have this medicine that works 70 to 80% of the time the very first year, yet there are some if not many who still think it is useing. :shock:

In my early recovery I did NA.Three years of it. I learned much about the We of the program. Worked a few steps tried to fit in and I did for the most part. But something always ate at me. The guilt and shame of my secret. The Medicine. I told no one. My sponsor, sure. He new how to keep a secret , but wanted me off of it some day.

IMO, I dont think a person on Buprenorphine or methadone can be a full clean member there . If you understand and know the Basic Text, we understand that it is a program of Complete Abstinence from drugs. Im sure you know all of this French. :D .

That does not mean you cant go there and meet new people, enjoy the meeting and maybe find a few new friends who can help you discover the sprituality . The issue I began to have was I didn't feel the disparation the others had. They were flying without a net, I wasn't.
Ive now come to know that my recovery as it is , is just as authentic AS ANY ONE ELSE.
I wont get into my ending there, but I know I still have friends there. In some way. Funny thing is if you are not there all the time people lose contact or just drop you. But thats part of life in general, i guess.

So,,if you need meetings for the socalablly of them go. I would stay far away from telling any new group of people. But it is of my opinion that there isnt a na group who is totally accepting of medical Assistanced Treatment. Just my opinion from experience and knowledge of that Blue Book. You stopped going because of honesty issues,well look at suboxone as a medicine and not a drug .Many people today take medications to inprove there lives. I know I do.

Maybe check out AA. I hear there softer on drug replacement there..

And we did start a sub friendly group here 3 years ago. We now have 3.
I use the Users Guide of Suboxone as a topic model you can get one here.

So glad you found us French, please keep posting and become one of our We"..and always keep the Faith, in yourself.


Razor 57.


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 Post subject: Re: New :)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2015 6:35 pm 
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I take 0.5 to 1mg Sub a day for depression, and only my sponsor & a couple of close NA friends know. I don't feel I'm being dishonest, because I don't discuss any of the other meds I take with the group either.

When I was on a maintenance dose I was "out" about it and nobody ever gave me a hard time or told me I couldn't share or anything. We had a woman in my home group who was on methadone and collected medallions for clean time for 5 years. I started my clean time over when I got off Sub for my own personal reasons. I think it should be an individual decision.

If you don't want to share at the group level that you're on Sub I don't think that makes you dishonest. It just means you don't need 20 people coming up to you after the meeting giving you 20 different opinions. I would just go and get to know people, and over time share it with those who support you.

Interestingly, unlike razor's experience, the only person that ever flat out told me I shouldn't be on Suboxone was in AA. Go figure.


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 Post subject: Re: New :)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2015 8:44 pm 
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Testing. I don't seem to be able to reply


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 Post subject: Re: New :)
PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2015 8:58 pm 
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Ok that worked, Argh, I just posted two long replies and lost them.

Thanks for the welcomes etc. Im feeling frustrated as I need something more before I fall back into depression and risk relapsing, I can't do it to my kids but im scared. Im frustrated because I need the fellowship but cannot just jump off 32mg of suboxone in order to be part of one. And for me, honesty is a major part of recovery, i just don't think I could go again and leave out the fact that I am on the max dose of subs, I don't want to have to feel guarded in what I say and do. Like most addicts I guess sick of hiding things and deception etc. I can understand the person who is on 1mg a day not mentioning it, I just feel at 32, I still have such a long way to go and it is still a major part of my life ..... And also, it's going to be a long road getting off it and I would need the support of the fellowship for this as well.

Im happy to go and not 'claim' any clean time or collect key tags or whatnot, but sharing, for me, is super important. I am a pretty quiet and closed person in my every day life, and mora and more these days for some reason, so I need an outlet. Im scared for my mental health if I keep plodding along being crazy busy but never doing anything for myself. I have an amazing family and do not want to lose them to this disease and i certainly don't want to have another breakdown and end up back in hospital.

I've been to many AA meetings over the years and they are not for me. I have tried to feel comfortable there but just do not. Alcohol is my last drug of choice and only used in times of desperation, I know addiction is addiction, I just feel I can't relate there at all. NA feels like home to me, I just need to figure out how to make it happen again so I don't constantly feel judged but can also be honest and get some decent recovery under my belt.


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 Post subject: Re: New :)
PostPosted: Wed Dec 23, 2015 12:34 am 
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So I messaged a very old friend that is still in the rooms from when I use to go many many years back and I am going to go to a meeting with him on Sunday. I'll see how I go but it will be nice to be with someone who knows about the subs and has known Me For a long time. Im somewhat dubious as I know the attitudes towards maintenance but I have to try.


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