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PostPosted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 9:58 pm 
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Hello,

I've been around this forum a lot before, but haven't posted on it yet.

I struggled with heroin addiction on and off for about 12 years. A little over 3 years ago I moved from CT to VT to start over after going to rehab for 6 months. About 100 days later I had one of the worst relapses I've ever had and knew I was going to die if I didn't get on Suboxone. I went on it at that time and have been on it ever since, so about 2 years 9 months now. Since then I've completed my associates degree, am about a month away from completing my bachelors degree in psychology, am in a life coach training program, and am starting my own coaching business (my focus is on people who have previously dealt with serious opiate addiction and are back on track using a maintenance med like Suboxone or Methadone).

I've worked so hard to stack the deck against my old life and make it less and less compelling to go back. I'm so proud of myself for all of the progress I've made. :D

I've tried to get off Sub twice. Both times I got down to about 1mg every other day and then brought my dose back up again because I felt like I wasn't ready. I've since moved to a new home, am doing so well, and am ready to get off this drug. It's been a life saver, for sure, but I'm so tired of being tied to a doctors office, taking drug tests, and not feeling free.

I had foot surgery on Monday. Last Friday I took my last dose of Suboxone. I waited until I was in withdrawal and started taking Vicoden on Saturday night (I did this with my doctors consent, this is not a plan I was doing on my own). I've been on the Vicoden through the surgery and up until now. I've been hoping that the Vicoden would be a buffer against the worst of the withdrawals of Suboxone. Having taking the Vicoden for a few days and then stopping I think would be easier than just stopping the Sub. So, it's Thursday night. I've found that the Vicoden was not enough to take away the withdrawals. I've been sick all week, but not to the point of not being able to function. I'm in a good frame of mind. Foot pain is minimal. I saw my doc again today and just took my last dose of Vicoden. My doctor prescribed some Clonodine, Prilosec (for acid in my stomach) and I got some Immodium. I also take .5 mg of Klonopin each day. I'm prepared to deal with the acute withdrawals through out the next few days and be done with this drug.

So that's where I'm at right now. I just got back from an awesome Tony Robbins seminar a few weeks ago and have never been more ready for this than I am right now.

I look forward to getting to know you, supporting you, and you supporting me.

It's so awesome that this forum exists.

Thank you!!

Take care!!


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 Post subject: Hey
PostPosted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 11:07 pm 
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Hey! Well I have to say that I will most def support you and I hope you make this jump with as little pain as possible! The best advice I can give you is to try and keep your mind active and your body active. Glad you are here and look forward to hearing how you are making out keep me posted and let me know if I can help at all!

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PostPosted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 11:28 pm 
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Welcome to the forum Lilith,

I was on sub for 2 years 8.5 months when I quit this past June. Like you, I surfed the forum for a long while before I made my first post. I also went from sub to lorcet(vicoden) for several days before quitting opiates for good. I find this forum to be a source of inspiration, a source for kick ass advice and therapeutic all at the same time. I'm glad you found it and decided to participate. As you can see, there are people much like you here. That's always been a comfort to me, knowing I'm not the only one going through this.

You should be proud of yourself for achieving so much, especially in your particular field of study. I have to believe that your knowledge in this area will do nothing but help you.

I have to second Sphinx, keep your mind and body active as well as you can. It will help.

Best of luck to you!


Last edited by Romeo on Thu Nov 18, 2010 11:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Good for you.
PostPosted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 11:28 pm 
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Hi, so glad to hear positive things happening for someone. That is great. You are a shining example of what Suboxone is for and how it's supposed to work when you take it right and under drs. supervision.

As you feel better and better, please keep writing to us and tell us how you are feeling. I'm sure other members and I want to know how it feels to get to where you are in your treatment.

Be proud of yourself.

Love Queenie


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 Post subject: Welcome!!
PostPosted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 11:41 pm 
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Lilith1209 - Welcome to the forum.. You should be proud of what you accomplished that's huge...and you did this all while on Suboxone. I'm guessing you have no choice to quit using Suboxone due to the work you are getting into??

Also you mentioned you want to be free. You are free look at all you have accomplished! I can respect your feelings of not wanting to be tied to doctors office's etc. But with that said, if one is a diabetic it's something you have to take care of your entire life. Just like this disease.

For me, I know I'm on Suboxone for the long run. I had over a year clean from Oxycodone and never thought I would go back. I did this with the help of NA, I didn't know of Suboxone then. I too had a nasty relapse and this time I couldn't stop using completely against my own will. This is when I found this wonder medication called Suboxone. It stopped the devastating path I was going down instantly.

Anyways, I think it's awesome you will be helping other's fight this deadly disease.

Welcome to the forum - hope to see you stick around.

SuperBuper


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 19, 2010 10:13 am 
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Hello lilith and welcome to the forum. As others have said it's nice to hear another success story. I'm like Super - I will be on suboxone for the long haul if not for life. I understand your need to feel "free", you're definitely not alone in that feeling, but for me, being on suboxone is what makes me feel free. I feel free to live my life, free from active addiction, free from the obsession, etc.

I wish you the best in coming off the vicodin/suboxone. Please do keep us posted on how you're doing. And again, welcome to the forum. Glad to have you.

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 Post subject: So far so good!!!
PostPosted: Sun Nov 21, 2010 9:50 am 
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HI Everybody,

I had to wait two days before I could make a post again since I am a new member.

What an awesome group of people you are. Thank you so much for your input and support.

So far I'm okay. I was able to get a good night's sleep that first night and then woke up feeling some withdrawals in the morning. Anxiety, stomach upset, slight feelings of crawling skin, chills. I notice if I focus on it, it gets amplified. If I keep my mind busy, it's not so bad. I know so much of this is mental. I've spent a lot of time on day one watching really inspiring vlog posts from crazysexylife.com (not sure if I can post that or not, I don't work for her or anything, I think she's great though, awesome energy). I'm making sure I'm getting plenty of fluids. I add some "greens" to my water a few times a day. I took some Udo's oil (which has the exact ratio of Omega 3, 6, and 9 that our body needs). Taking a multi vitamin.

I have been taking Clonodine and Neurontin (for anxiety). They work great. Now it’s the morning of day three and honestly I’m feeling fine. I was able to take a shower yesterday (because of my foot surgery I can’t get my foot wet. I really needed a shower so I wrapped it in towels, then duct tape, then a plastic bag, more duct tape, another towel and more duct tape. I sat down and kept my leg hanging over the side of the tub to avoid getting it wet). I feel sooo much better. I had totally cleared my schedule for four days anticipating not being able to do much. I’m getting a lot of work done which is great. I’ll take a few naps each day. When my body feels tired, I let myself sleep. So, I’m being really good to myself and really- it’s not so bad at all.

Sphinx- I totally agree, keeping my mind busy will be key. The surgery I had was to fix a bunion on my left foot and straighten my left big toe. So, I can't really go running or walking right now. There are a lot of exercises I can do sitting down though. I lifted some weights (while sitting), did some stomach exercises and stretching yesterday. Feels so good!! Thank you for the input!!

Romeo- Congratulations!! That's so awesome!! Go you!! Can I ask how it was for you doing the Sub, then Vicoden, then stopping?

Queenie- Thank you!! I think after taking the Sub for so long, we build up such a fear of what it's like to come off of it. Plus hearing a lot of horror stories. I'm pretending I have the flu right now and it will pass in the next few days. And truthfully- so far, it's really not so bad. The saying- "What you focus on grows" is so true (and that goes with negative or positive stuff). I keep visualizing my body as my temple and I'm continuing to take more and more steps to clean it out. I say out loud things like- Every day in every way I'm feeling better and better YEAH!!!! Or All I have is within me now!! And sometimes I'll add another word such as- I'll the strength I need is within me now. Or All the joy I need is within me now. Or All the serenity I need is within me now. It may sound corny but the more I say it, the more it is real to me.

Hatmaker- Thank you for your comments!! I am choosing to come off of Suboxone now because it feels right to me. Coming off of this drug is part of (in my mind) what will help make me the leader I vision for myself. And please note- i totally support everybody with whatever they decide they want to do- stay on it for life, stay on it for a few years, come of now, etc. We are all so different so I totally respect everybody's decisions and opinions for what they want to do. I don't want to sound like I'm going to be "better than" because I've decided coming off is the best decision for me at this time. I'm not better or worse than anybody else. I love everybody!! I understand what you are saying about being free. Suboxone has brought me such freedom. I have still felt really tied though. I was helping my boyfriends mom recover from a brain trauma in another state this summer. I stayed with her for two weeks and was running out of Suboxone. I called my doctors office (and I've never missed an appointment, always peed in a cup when they asked, never asked for special treatment) and asked them to call me in a few days supply and I would come into the office the following week for an appointment (and told them I was helping someone get back to health after a hemorrhage in her brain and having blood drained out of her skull). They gave me such a problem about it- "You made an agreement, you need to come in here, you are asking for special treatment" and on and on. I decided at that time that I will get off of this medication by the end of the year. I am tired of being treated like that. When I did end up going into the office they immediately drug tested me. They asked me to take all of my pill bottles out of my purse and empty them so they could count all of the pills I had. Then they gave me a few days supply and I had to go back again a few days later. Drug tested again. See what I mean? I'm just tired of being treated like that.

SuperBuper- Awesome!! Good for you!! I'm so glad this drug has changed the course of your life!! Thank you for the comments!!

So that's it for now. I'll post again later.

Thanks everybody!!


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 21, 2010 10:04 am 
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Hi again, lilith...As far as I know you should have been able to post whenever you needed to once you registered. I've never heard of any two day delay. Not sure what that's about. But I'm glad you can post again now.

Anyhoo, we were just talking on another thread about how some people feel to tied down to sub and with the doctor's visits, drug tests, etc., it's just such a hassle for them. So you are definitely not alone. It sounds like the bad is outweighing the good for you. And you sound really ready to go off, which will of course help you in the long run. I appreciate you saying outright that you respect how others like me will be on it forever. That's what I think makes this forum great. There's a lot of mutual respect for everyone's uniqueness.

You are SO right about not focusing on every little discomfort...I agree that it does amplify them. You're smart to keep your mind and body occupied. Same goes for listening to what your body needs, if it needs a nap, etc. From reading your posts I predict you will be just fine! (Psychic predictions by Hatmaker! :lol: )

Good luck and keep us posted.

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 Post subject: Day 4
PostPosted: Mon Nov 22, 2010 8:07 am 
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Hi,

I had made two posts when I first signed up. My initial one in this thread and one in another thread routing someone else on for his progress. I went to make a third post (either that night or the next morning), hit submit and got a notice that came up saying new members that join this forum are allowed only two posts during their first two days. This is to prevent spammers from making all kinds of posts. Makes sense.

Yeah, I've found I'm most uncomfortable when I wake up. Last night I didn't take any Clonodine, went to bed around midnight and woke up around 2:30 with crawling skin. I took a dose of Clonodine at that time and got another hour of sleep. Then I get up, get something to drink and eat and the crawling subsides. I also haven't taken any Immodium in two days. My stomach is most upset in the morning. I go to the bathroom a few times and then I'm fine for the rest of the day. So that's good.

My energy level yesterday was very low. I was okay when sitting down but trying to do anything standing or moving around was hard. So, I made the best of it. I have a massive paper for school due today. I started, finished and submitted the paper (online) yesterday. Usually, I bring it right up to the evening the paper is due. Getting it out of the way a day early is a nice feeling.

I hope you have a great day!! Will post again later!!

Thanks!!


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 22, 2010 11:31 am 
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Hey lilith,

Glad to hear you are doing SO good. Your attitude towards this is great and that is surely helping you.

You had asked about going from Sub to Vicoden then stopping. You should know up front that it wasn't my plan to go to Vicoden. I had quit sub for less than 24 hours and I started to panic, I remembered I had some 3 year old Vicodin upstairs. I was afraid of the sub withdrawal, plain and simple, so I took 1 vic and felt a little better. I had 22 vic's and took them over 4 or 5 days then I was opiate free. I really can't say if it made things easier or harder because I had never detoxed off sub before. As far as I can tell, sub withdrawal isn't quite as knock down difficult as full agonists, but the crappy feeling does seem to last for a while.

Patience is something I have had to learn during this time. You never feel as good as you want as fast as you want. That was a big challenge for me, but I am happy to say I feel so much better now. Holding on, with dogged determination, while REFUSING to let go and patience helped get me where I am today more than anything.

Again, I am so very glad to hear you are doing well and I truly hope you get to where you want with as little discomfort as possible.


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 Post subject: You are great!
PostPosted: Mon Nov 22, 2010 12:10 pm 
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Lilith, you are awesome. I keep reading your posts and I really have to say I admire you more & more.

The discomfort of wihdrawl is something that terrifies me. The discomfort you are feeling i'm sure is no fun. But you go through it, you take your comfort meds and most of all you don't give up and say, "I just don't want to feel anything" and ruin all you have worked for.
o
How proud you should be. Even completeing your paper and submitting it.

I hope to get to the point you are now & pray I can handle it with the strength and determination you are. I smiled when I read how you wrapped and wrapped your foot to take a shower. That is determination and we all need to take example from you.

I will look for your posts and use them to remind me that I too can beat this addiction.

God bless and stay on your path.

Love & hope, Queenie


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 22, 2010 10:32 pm 
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Thanks for the update lilith1209... You know I have been lucky with my doctor... I go once every two months and take a drug test and I'm out the door....Recently after changing insurance companies it has been a nightmare so I'm beginning to feel how dependant I really am on this medication. For me though, it's so worth it, as Suboxone does so much more for me than keep cravings away....Plus my wife says I'm staying on it. :lol:

Keep up the good work and keep us posted! You seem like you're really motivated to do this and I'm cheering for you.

SuperBuper


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 Post subject: Day 5
PostPosted: Tue Nov 23, 2010 5:56 am 
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Hey Everybody!!

Okay, early morning day 5. So, I wish I could say that after a long and deep, restful sleep I'm a woke up feeling like new, but that isn't the case- not yet anyway, but it's getting close, I can feel it. Yesterday was the hardest day for me and I think it was more because of feeling so overtired (before 5pm last night I had about 4-6 hours of sleep in two days, the first two days I had about 10 hours of sleep total). I got to a critical point in the afternoon yesterday where I really just was sick of feeling like this and wanted to take a Sub and feel better. I was not just feeling the moment, I was "stacking" all of the negative feelings I've felt cumulatively for days. Now, this is so key, if I had continued to let myself focus on those thoughts, I would have taken some. Instead I put in a Tony Robbins DVD of him working with people at one of his seminars (and Tony is my favorite). I really couldn't take any heavy reading and wasn't up for a plain old movie. I wanted something inspiring to remind me of my time at one of his seminars recently, something to remind me of why I'm doing this, and to bring back some of the kick-ass feelings I had while I was there. It worked. I laughed. I cried. I felt good emotions. One of the things I learned at his seminars is that we can really make ourselves feel great at any moment. Do you remember a time when you felt like shit and something made you laugh so hard and it was really hard to go back to that shitty feeling again? You kind of had to work at it for a while to get back there? I'm not a pro at this by any means yet, but I know its possible because I've done it a lot at his seminars and a few times on my own at home. Part of it involves really moving your body (and I can't do that too much right now because of my foot, and when in physical withdrawals that also can make it harder). The other two parts are what we focus on and the language that we use (both internally and externally).

I also kind of had this a-ha moment later in the afternoon. That getting off of this medication is creating space (cause I am feeling naked and a little vulnerable). Nature abhors a vacuum, and that space has to be filled with something. I can go back to the old patterns my brain wants to go to (like a trail in the woods that has been walked down so many times, it's clear) or I can work to focus on other more empowering things (and start creating new trails, where I have to clear away some brush and it will take some time before the trail is clear, but it will be eventually). Creating those new neuropathways will take some time, but that's okay. And that's not to say when the thoughts of using come up, not to push them down. Acknowledge them-"Hey old friend, I see your back again, thank you for supporting me in the way that is most familiar to me but I will not be following you anymore" (or something along those lines, you get my point right?)

I laid down around 5pm, laid there for a long time and finally fell asleep for about an hour plus. I woke up feeling a little bit recharged and refreshed. I talked to a good friend for an hour. Then I talked to my boyfriend for an hour and he gave me a great pep talk. Then I went back to bed and got a good 3 hours of sleep. I'm happy about that and am feeling much more alert right now. I'm leaving the house today for the first time since last Thursday. It will be good for me to get out of the house, even if it's only a few hours. I wouldn't have been up for it yesterday, but am definitely feeling good about it today. Since I've either been sitting against pillows or sitting with my back against a couch for almost 9 days (because of the surgery) my back is so sore. I'm going to treat myself to a mini massage today while I'm out. I'm also going to see my foot surgeon today and I so hope he takes these staples out of my foot. They've been bothering me more and more and I think that's because some of the swelling has gone down so I feel them more. It's a little bit early for him to take them out so he said he would see how it was healing and take it from there. Wish me luck!!

Another thing I've noticed in reading through a lot of these posts. I think this forum is awesome, don't get me wrong. There are/have been a lot of people writing about their really hard experiences. And that's what's real for them and I'm sure that expressing themselves on here has been helpful to them in many ways so more power to them for that!!I totally sympathize and support them!! I have noticed that if I let myself continue to read other peoples hard stories about coming off Sub, it brings me to a place that makes it harder for me, in this time. Not to say I won't continue reading them and responding and supporting them, but that's probably not the most healthy thing for me to do right now, in this time, with where I'm at. So, I send my love to them and support them. I'm just not going to be reading about these stories in the next few weeks. That's what I know is the most healthy for me right now. So to anybody who is having a really hard time right now or had a hard time coming off this drug I love you!! I support you!!


Thanks. More later!!


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 Post subject: Rephrase
PostPosted: Tue Nov 23, 2010 6:20 am 
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Actually, wherever you are at in your journey staying on or coming off Suboxone I love you and I support you!!!

Wanted to reword that!!

Thanks!!


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 23, 2010 6:25 am 
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This is a little trick I learned that I want to share with you. You know how sometimes when you feel something and it feels like it's coming from your heart more than your brain? Well, research has shown that our heart has its own intelligence and when you feel something in your heart, you really are feeling it in your heart. The heart actually sends more messages to the brain than the brain sends to the heart. One research study showed that when a person was feeling frustrated and was hooked up to read electrical readings from both the brain and the heart, those readings were all out of whack with each other and totally chaotic. If the person felt gratitude and felt it in his/her heart, those electrical frequencies (from the brain and heart) sync up with each other and are in complete rhythm with each other leaving the person feeling really good, grateful, and calm.

This is an exercise I used a few times yesterday when I wasn't feeling so good (and have used it many times in the past). This instantly changed my state-

Put your hand on your heart and close your eyes. Now start taking some deep breaths and as you breathe in feel like you are breathing into your heart. Breathe into your heart. Think about how powerful your heart is. How it keeps you alive and thriving. Breathe into your heart. Think of how grateful you are for your heart, for its power, that it's kept you alive, that it continues to pump the blood you need all through your body, that it takes care of you. Breathe into your heart- deep long breaths. Do this for a minute or two and then open your eyes.

I hope this has helped you. I do this when I want to alleviate anxiety, feel calm, feel grateful or feel really damn good!!

Have a great day!!


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 23, 2010 10:14 am 
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Lilith,

We all love you too!

Hang in there, you're doing great.


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 23, 2010 7:23 pm 
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Best wishes, lillith !! Nice to meet you !


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 24, 2010 3:09 pm 
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What a great story. :D


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 30, 2011 1:01 pm 
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Hi Everybody,

I haven't written in a while and I wanted to give an update about where I'm at right now. I had attempted to get off Suboxone while having foot surgery in November. I did pretty good for the first few days (taking Vicoden) then stopped the Vicoden. I went another week and at the beginning of December I went to visit a friend in PA. After the initial withdrawal symptoms were gone, I felt a little bit better physically, but mentally I kept getting worse. I was really depressed, spacey, and it was very hard to focus on anything. Anyway, while in PA, I would talk to my friend for a half hour and then would go upstairs and lie down and put a pillow over my head. Reality got so hard to deal with. I decided it was too much and went back to my doctor and went back on Suboxone.

After doing that, I felt much better physically, but things shifted mentally. I was no longer spacey, I could think straight, but was so so angry at myself for going back on it. I felt like I had put so much time, energy and effort into going off if it, and here I was back on it again. The next couple of weeks were really hard and then I kind of snapped out of it. I've been feeling really good ever since.

I've learned a few things with this experience-

- going off Suboxone was not a good idea after having foot surgery. I realized how important exercise was/is and I was very limited in what I could do, making the symptoms worse.

-It was not a good time to come off it- I was taking my hardest class in school, in the middle of a life coach training program, and starting a business. When I think about it now, having all of those things going on, it was kind of stupid to attempt to do it then. I hadn't really been thinking about that at the time. What I was thinking about was being able to take Vicoden because of the surgery and using that as a buffer to lessen the withdrawal symptoms.

Anyway, I did finish my class. I'm finishing up my coach training. My foot has healed up pretty well. I'm able to exercise again. Making another attempt to come off Suboxone again is not on the radar screen right now.

I realize most of this thread should be in another thread. I'll continue making posts in other threads. I just wanted to make a final update here.

Thank you!! It's awesome to have such a support system on here. You all rock!!


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 30, 2011 1:09 pm 
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Good to "see" you again, Lilith. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You tried going off it but when you realized you were at risk, you resumed your treatment. You didn't relapse, so it could have been so much worse. I think you handled it all very intelligently. You also were not stupid for trying. It's okay to try. No harm, no foul. Try to ease up on yourself. And I'm so glad that you're feeling so much better. Keep up the good work - in recovery/remission AND in school. Kudos to you.

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-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

  • Board Certified Psychiatrist
  • Asst Clinical Professor, Medical College of Wisconsin

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