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PostPosted: Wed Jul 08, 2009 3:52 pm 
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Hi Everyone

New to forum, so please be patient as I learn the ropes....

I have been prescribed MScontin 200mg/ day for 5 going on 6 years...it started off for pain but I don't think Ihave pain issues anymore.....but my doctor keeps prescribing....never once has he talked about getting me off it....I was originally on 300mg/day but weaned myself down to 200....I was stronger then and that was the 2nd year....I was planning on continuing to wean to get off, but I was hit with one trauma after another, and I just stayed on the morphine....year 3 I started to abuse it....my life has gone crazy....

I started on the mscontin at age 50....I'm now 55 soon 56 and I just can't beleive "Where has my life gone".....everythign is different...I'm different....I don't enjoy any of the things I enjoyed all my life.....I'm at the point where I just have to get off it, or I won't have the strength to fight it....I feel like my mind is slipping away into this hazy place of morphine.....I'm Canadian, living in Nova Scotia, a very rural area....there is nothing in the way of support here...I had read about Suboxone at another forum, or Bup as it was refered to for a few years....if I had the money I would have gone to the STates to one of hte treatment places, but thank God it is now available in Canada, and my doctor is prescribing it...I started on it last summer and was on it for 3 months, but I went to Ontario fo rhte winter, and couldn't get it there, and my daughters doctor would prescribe the mscontin so I went back on it......oh I hated it....(loved it really, I was amazed how once it was in my body again, I liked the feeling), but emotionally I hated it....I just kept thinking this is temporary and when I go back to NS I will start on the sub again...I tried twice since Ihave been back. the first time I only stayed with it 4 days, and the second time 7 days.....it was too easy for me to go back on the morphine.....I made so many excuses....I have a large country property wehre I live alone, and I'm trying to sell it as it is killing me looking after it, and I heat iwth wood and anyone who has done that knows it's a lot of physical work....that has been my excuse, (I can't function without the morphine)...but i'm lying ot myself and I really accomplish very little on the morphine....

I"m at the end of my rope....my doctor upped my dose the last month to 300mg/day because I was having lots of dental work done....(nice benefit of morphine, I lost so many teeth due to sugar cravings).....that extra 100mg/day have caused me lots of problems...abusing, plus I had guests for the month of June so to function, I convinced myself I needed more...how we make excuses, I do....

Sorry for going on, but i am desperate...I have lost so much, and mainly that has been myself, who I was....and I want me back...I"m loosing hte respect of my daughters, and they are the most important thing in my life....time just seeems to go by, and it hit me when they were just here, how they have grown so much and where have I been....lost in this stupid morphine world....Do I ever hide out in the drug!....I WANT IT TO STOP....I WANT THE STRENGTH AND THE SENSE TO SAY DEBRA ENOUGH....DO IT EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO DO IT ALONE WITH NO SUPPORT OTHER THAN WHAT I CAN GET ONLINE....GET ON THE SUBOXONE BECAUSE AT LEAST THEN LIFE CAN MAKE SENSE....You see I have been IMing it for the past couple of years....not all of it...my 4th year on it, 2 years ago I started to do this...one pill would last me 3 days, then 2 days, but now since I've been back from Ontario (I couldn't do that there) I'm doing one pill a day that way, and one pill by mouth...but htis last month since I've been upped to 3 a day, well I've been going crazy...this is such a crazy thing...I"m killing myself...I want help. I want to be free...

So I have a prescription for the Suboxone....and I"ve got a whack of MScontin left....my mind is going crazy thinking I cna do so much more becasue I'm going to quit so why not take 4 or 5 a day until I do.....but I know when i switch it will just be the harder, but I can't help myself from thinking this way.....

I'm going to call a couple of people from my church who know i am on morphine and tell them the truth....that I can't handle it anymore and I want to go bck on the Sub....People look at me, and I look like a straight middle age woman, and they can't believe I am an addict....and I don't share this with too many people because they judge...yes I'm well acquianted with the difference of being "normal or an addict". I've withdrawn from pretty well all socail life...I"m just an oddball of a woman now who stays in her house....that is all I do, and I garden now that it is summer...

Sorry for my lifes history, and I don't know if anyone will read all this, but I really need support....I'm scared to let go, but I have to..you all know...

I'm aiming ot quit in about 5 days...(my rational for that is to get my house clean, and in order so when I'm switched I can just relax). My house is listed so I need it clean and in order for showings...I have to contact my agent and tell her no showing for 5 days...from the day I quit until I feel okay...that is how long it took the last times...but thenI was amazed at how well I actually felt....

All the best to everyone else who is doing this.

Debra


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 08, 2009 6:02 pm 
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First of all let me say how glad we are to have you with us and you can always share here without the worry that you'll be judged in any way. I would like to share a few things I've learned looking back on my using days and some suggestions of what I would do if I were you. Please understand I'm in no way telling you what you should do, I'm just saying what I would do. One of the most important things for me was getting others involved (family or friends who you know you can trust or even a healthcare proffessional) and then setting a concrete, no excuses, come hell or high water, date when you will switch to the Suboxone. It helped having the induction at a doctors office because I knew I was going to be paying a fair amount of money (was definately worth it and I've more than made up the cost several times over after having quit using) and that if I didn't show up I'd still be required to pay the money. It really helped to have that motivation and if I left the decision up to myself while I was still using I likely would have never gotten around to starting the Suboxone. I'd make the excuse that I had something important to do that week or that I just wasn't feeling up to it yet or my I was close to getting refills and new scripts on drugs I was abusing at the time or.......the point I'm trying to make is that I ALWAYS had an excuse. If you were to get others involved and set a date and get rid of ALL other drugs that can be abused I'd think you'd have a decent chance at this. It was also essential for me to notify the doctors who were prescribing me pain meds that I had been abusing them and that they should always check with my addictionologist before making any medical decisions and then I burned all my bridges with dealers and friends who were using.

It has been so worth it though my life is much more fulfilling now and I'm so much happier, feel better, and have gotten alot of things accomplished :) I really hope that you're able to make the transition and stick with it, things may be rough for a few days but remember this is your life we're talking about here! On a final note please be careful with the extra morphine my last overdose was right before I was about to get some new scripts I figured what the heck and as a result I very nearly died. I realize it's pointless to tell anyone to be careful while they're still using but I have to at least say it ....maybe just for myself.

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"If you're going through hell, ....keep going!"
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 09, 2009 12:27 am 
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good luck with the transition, I hope you are successful. I think an important distinction should be made. If your on oxys than your not on morphine, or vise versa unless your doing them both. Morphine stays in your system longer than oxys do, if im not mistaken. So if your doing morphine you might be waiting longer till you are able to take your first dose of suboxone. Either way it is important that you do it no matter what. You have obviously decided that you want off the opiate rollercoaster, so get off. The main reason your quitting is to improve your life, everything else falls under that. On the day or two of your switch make sure ahead of time that their are no oxys within reach because that is all you will want.If you can access them it will be virtually impossible to start suboxone. If your telling some of your church friends about what your doing, I recommend having one of them or someone close to you, such as family or friends, come over the day or two of the switch and just be with you. Although you will only want to be by yourself it helped me so much having family there to prepare food and other things. It sounds like you have a fairly high tolerance so I hope you are ready. Im not trying to scare you at all, just want you to realize that while your waiting to take the suboxone you may feel worse than your past attempts at it. But it is absolutely worth it! I had a very high tolerance to heroin when I went on to suboxone, and know the obsession with being comfortable. It will take time for you to adapt, but suboxone has really saved my life, and I think if I can do it you can do it. Just remember your life will be everything you want it be, you just have to take that first step. Like anything the first step is the hardest...i.e. the bravest. When I say first step I mean action, some might say that admitting and wanting to change is the first step, but the actual action of changing is the functional first step in my opinion. I hope ive helped. You'll be fine!


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 09, 2009 2:57 pm 
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[font=Tahoma] [/font] Thank you so much for sharing your experience and the suggestions you offered.

Concerning the drug I am on it is definetly morphine....MScontinn..MorphineSulphate and the contin is sustained release...I know about taking the suboxone too soon...I did the first time I went on it...last summer. I couldnt get the sub in Canada yet and I went to Florida for this Christian Revial at Lakeland, hoping and praying I would just be delivered...I know some who have been...instantly...I was a doubter but I know a youong man shooting 1000mg of morphine, built up to that over 10 years, a complete wreck of a young man, and he had the miraculous happen...no w/d's and never needed meth or sub...Sorry I don't mean to get into anything spriritual, but I just witnessed this...he has been clean 2 years and is now counselling...It didn't happen for me, but I did get in to see a sub doctor in Lakeland, and left with a prescription for 2 months..that was a miracle for me as I had one day left of my trip to get that accomplished...I had taken my last pill in the am. and at about 2:00pm on the plane from Tampa to Newirk where I had to change planes to Halifax I took a small piece of the sub....I felt sick and thought a bit more may help...NO...I was so sick...I was in full blown w/d's I dont' know how I even managed to change planes...I sat with my jacket over my head on the plane..coming through customs I couldn't even fill out the little form...teh customs man was nice and did it for me, I just had to sign...then to get my bags and take a shuttel to my car....I was freezing as the temps were much cooler...Man oh Man what an experience...teh shuttle man put my suitcases in my trunk fo rme, and I just had to lay down in my back seat and try to sleep...I had a 2 1/2 horu drive home...after 3 hrs I made it half way....rested again at a gas station, and then made it home...it took 2 days to feel better but boy did I feel better once the sub took effect....so no I wont' do that again...I can laugh now but then I thought I would die...I said I had the flu....luckey they let me into the country...

I have no family in Nova Scotia...my family is no help anyway...very conservative, no nothing about addiciton, and don't think my problem is very big because I get all my pills from the doctor....that makes it worse if you ask me, as I had a never ending supply, and I know the last time about 6/7 weeks ago when I tried to switch, it was the ease of going back on the morphine, and know I would get that numb state, and not have to face any of my emotions...NO this time I am sticking with it.....I can't do the induction at my doctors as he is 1 1/2 hrs away...he has written me script already so and my pharmacy has some waiting for me....I have two appts I can't miss, and one is tomorrow and one Monday morning, so I may have to wait until Tuesday to start the w/d's....

I need a place to be honest, and no one judge me....as I mentinoed in my last post....I have been IMing some of them.....and I think the last two days on the morphine that is all I am going to do...not take any by mouth...The rationale for this is that taking the sustained release by mouth will stay in my system much longer and I will have to w/d for 2 days...IMing the morphine should be out of my system, and enough w/d by the next afternoon. I'm just a suck, a huge chicken when it comes to drug sickness

I had waited and waited for the suboxoine to be available, and I am lucky that my doctor got his licence to prescribe the suboxone.....and I'm doubly lucky that my provinces' health care is paying for the suboxone.....so I now have coverage...the mscontin was covered too.....what a life....stay here, and we'll supply you with drugs....man I fell into a trap, and I know if I don't do something now, it will be too late....my mind is nothign like it use to be....I have a very hard time, concentrating, focusing, my mind shifts all around....I was better on teh suboxone last fall, and it was just circumstances that I ended up back on the mscontin.....I think I mentioned I went to Ontario to watch my grandson for the winter, he was 3 mnths old when I went, but the place I had arranged to go, was a methadone clinic where the doctor had some sub patients...but I would have to go in everyday to get it....and with a baby I couldn't....It was a dirty place, but even logistics of lugging the car seat with my grandson in it, through a snowy parking lot and up 2 flights of stairs, and urine sample...it just wouldn't work...and the other option, my daughters writing a mnths supply of mscontin was too easy...However I did learn something....after 3 mnths on the suboxone I really didn't need the 200mg/day....but it happened so fast, going to her office, getting the script which I didn't think I would get, and filling it....brought back the feelings. Anyway it showed me a heck of a lot of receptors had shut up....so this works....

So now I have no excuse....I want my life back...I will do this....I will go to those appointments, and if they hadn't been booked so far in advance I would cancel them and do it right now as I'm ready. I know everyday from now till Tuesday is going to need some control on my part.....I have 3 weeks worth and you know what that means....This is such a crazy illness.....you can be talkign to yourself, no I don't want to do this, I won't do this, and yet the other hand is going for it...

I wanted to move to Ontario to be close to my daughters, and grandson, as when around them I keep it together....They were just here visiting the one with the baby for 2 1/2 weeks, and my other 1 week...I've been alone for a week now....very depressed, my house isn't selling and I'm so poor and in debt, and there are no jobs I can do here...the injury was my knee so I can't stand....But you know in one way, if I was smart I should take advantage of what I have here...They built a beautiful fitness centre with indoor pool 5 mins from my house...I have been swimming....I've lost all the weight I put on the first year after my injury and the methadone time.....I have a home (though lots of work), suboxone covered by insurance, and a script for a month at a time, and a fitness centre I could be swimming and working out to get my own endorphines working, and I have a few friends....no treatment programs here though...

If anyone has gotten this far in my story, "and I think I wrote it a lot for me to put things into persepective", do you know of a good on.line program....one to work on some of this stuff...on the outside no one would know I was an addict....I was spared from the stsreets, or dealers and all that, but the drug is the same...prescription morphien everyday for over 5 years, and a year of methdone including the diluadid...so I know my brain, my emotions etc are really mucked up....My church knows, but they don't get it....they don't know how hard this is...they don't know that now there is no difference in my brain chemistry as that of a herion user.....we get to the same place....I dont get the rush I guess of herione, teh receptors and ll that are the same....

One thing that has worried me a lot is reading some of hte posts here from people who are now freaking out because they ahve been on suboxone for a long time, or a year or so, and now say it isn't working, and they feel horrible and can't stop it.....don't know how to get off it......IS THIS A BIG PROBLEM OR IS IT ISOLATED TO A FEW? The last thing I want is to walk into something worse than what I am dealing with....Well I'm pretty far down there and I know I need help, something has to change...If you read above you will see I was a naive jerk at times, and walked into things blind, and boy have I piad for it...I have read a lot from people who say suboxone saved their lives....You know I have come to the co nclusion that if I have to stay on permently, a small amount of a drug that lets me function normally, not interferring with my thinking, and not sick, then so be it. The reality is people need drugs for different things....a diabetic isn't freaking because of the need for insulin, etc.....I wnat to look at the suboxone as a true blessing, something that can get me off of and away from morphine.....

So again thanks for responding...sorry this is soooooo long...but it just all came pouring out and I feel better....I would so appreciate any support, as I wont' be getting any here...I have called a few church folk, and only one said they would pray for me....I really don't have anyone who could stay with me...In fact one friend does not know I went back to the morphine after the last switch 7 weeks ago.....I just couldn't take the look of dissappointment....Only he and my youngest daughter and my church knew I was doing that...that is everyone for me....my doctor is too far away and he doesnt' give any support. Last time I was writing a girl from antoher site, and she kept saying she wished she hadn't gone on teh sub...she weas on it fo r2 years, downto 2mg. ....I must be very careful and examine the reasons why I did....face it that I control the morphine anymore....Does the brain really heal ont eh Suboxone? the 2 pathways that are left empty with the sub, but not with other opiates...

Anyway I must get off this computer, and get something done.....

Debra


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 09, 2009 9:11 pm 
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Well Debra,I wish you all the best. I go to my Sub Dr. for induction on July 20. I was also taking morphine and now metha done. 3 year morphine and 2 months methadone. Am nervous as can be,but I know I have to do it. No more lies,no more excuses. I'm very close to your age and wonder how in the world I became hooked on this stuff.I too started taking for pain and now here I am. Good luck to both of us.Hope to see you here again.


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 10, 2009 1:48 am 
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I think as you slowly taper down on suboxone your brain does heal, receptors become closer to the sensitivity of normalcy.


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