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PostPosted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 2:30 pm 
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Hello all,

My name is Brad K, i am a 22 year old male in illinois who is currently on suboxone.(4mg taken 3 times daily) [12mg total daily] I have been on it for about a year and a half and have been on my ups and downs before taking it, and while still on it.

Lately i have been battling a lot about suboxone, Will i ever get off it? What if i relapse after i do? When is my insurance gonna screw me further so i can't pay for my meds?

I initially used drugs cause i was curious, i abused for about 2-3 years and burned myself out. I used so much that i didn;t remember what normal was, and so i tricked myself into self medicating to sleep ( i thought i had insomnia, not related to my addiction) Long story short, went to rehab for 2 weeks and through my cousin, was referred to a doc who specializes in suboxone.

Currently i have been clean since day one of starting suboxone, but as much as i stay clean, the urge is strong every day. So i decided even though i have my suboxone doc, i need to relate to people in my shoes. My family is semi stable, me my mom,dad, and sister who's 26. It seems like lately i have been feeling like a screw up for where i am at. I am continueing school, but at my parents expense. I am attending school in the city for business, and have another year ish till i get my BA. I know i am not that bad off. I say to myself i have a family who supported me, and who still do. We havent ever found ourselves in a situation where we dont get around it....... but im not getting any younger. Each member in my family with their own problems( a lot of medical ones), and with the economy, i fear i am draining my family single handedly!!!!

I have an anxiety disorder since i was young, i panic and over think every aspect of daily life. I tell myself your being irrational, but truth is i drain an easy thousand a month in prescription costs, doctor, tuition, etc etc if not more. My parents makes a total of 100K a yearish (just giving perspective) and a lot of that goes to mine and their medical bills.

My main issue i guess is i have friends to talk to, but none that i can relate to in the slightest. I sometimes prefer to be alone rather than with them because i feel sometimes that im just different somehow.

Aside from my intro, i hope i didn't ramble too much, id like to say hi everyone


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 5:27 pm 
Hi Brad, glad you joined us. I think you'll find help and support here from us that is difficult to find in people who haven't suffered with addiction.
Thank you for sharing a bit of your story. Congratulations on realizing how serious your problems were and finding your way to treatment at such a young age. You say you're not getting any younger and I can understand that. But you are only 22 and it sounds like you're making progress in your life...working on your degree, etc. It would be different if you were just lying around your parents house doing nothing all day, but you're not....you're trying to get to a point to begin your indepedent life. At least that what it sounds like to me. Good for you though, that you're able to take into consideration the impact your continued dependence on them has on your parents. I bet they don't mind helping you as long as you're doing the right things and in school. At least that's how I feel about my kids. Hopefully you show them daily how much you respect and love them for all they are doing for you. If you don't already, it might make you feel a bit better about the situation by doing as much for them as you can....work around the house, yard work, running them to appointments, things like that.
As far as your recovery goes, I understand the feeling of being 'stable' on Suboxone but yet still having thoughts of using or cravings. I think it's part of the process, but may be something you need more help with. You may also need some help with your anxiety issues. Have you considered seeing a therapist or counselor? Or maybe trying NA meetings or some other type of support group meetings?
As I said, I understand your feelings about Suboxone. I wonder the same things about whether I'll be able to come off some day. I think those are questions we all have to figure out for ourselves, sometimes with some outside assistance, but it's our decision to make. At this point, since you say you still have strong urges, I would discourage you from attempting to stop Suboxone now because I fear you would relapse. That's the last thing you want to happen! There's nothing wrong (in my opinion) with staying on Sub for years or a lifetime if that's what keeps you free from active addiction and living a reasonably happy, healthy and productive life.
I hope you'll be back often and again, I'm glad you posted. Hang in there....we have to keep up hope that things will get better if we keep working at it!


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 27, 2010 2:17 pm 
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Hello,

I know my parents tell me, "to be productive" in my time, and i am. I am finding myself maturing in different ways all the time. My mom has Fibromyalgia , so i try to do errands for her like groceries, or what have you. Maintaining the house and what, but sometimes it feels like it's nothing in comparison to the rest of what im putting them through.

I have restarted seeing a therapist. I used to see one during my high school years when my anxiety kicked in. I stopped for a while, then went back the day i stopped using, and eventually went into rehab. I saw him for about 9 months there after, and then stopped seeing him. About a month ago, i felt that i should go back in, cause i have been feeling not myself. I am a naturally confident person, but lately i've been over judge - mental ( even more so than i already am) of myself.

I definitely won't be stopping my meds, I definately feel much better on the meds, than if i were sober and off. When i was out of rehab, i went straight back to using, and about 2 weeks after rehab, i had realized i used 3 times in 2 weeks, AFTER REHAB. if i couldn't last that long, the future would be a lot worse. My cousin got me to a doc who prescribed Suboxone ( which i was given in rehab) so i was very familiar with it, just not the costs.
Regardless of the cost, we manage, but i would admit that most of my anxiety comes through money and the risk of losing anything and everything.

I try to keep an upbeat personality, but as i said, lately that has been changing.


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 27, 2010 2:28 pm 
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Hi Brad,
I, too, would like to welcome you to a great forum. I think you'll find it's full of wonderfully supportive and empathetic people.
Setmefree offered some wonderful words of wisdom. As she said, you are young yet to have already begun your recovery. I started only 15 months ago and I'm 44! So in some ways you're way ahead of the game.

I would also suggest counseling/therapy to go along with your Suboxone treatment. Suboxone alone doesn't cure addiction - it helps to put us into remission. Recovery is compiled of many parts.

As for your anxiety, might I make a suggestion? When I was actively using pain meds I also had severe anxiety and when I gave up the meds I also gave up the xanax and was forced to deal with my anxiety head-on. Dr. Junig (author of this site) wrote a blog entry not too long ago about how some of us use benzos not to feel normal, but to feel relaxed. Of course I have no idea if this is you or not, but it sure was me. I've learned it's OK to be anxious sometimes, even normal. My suggestion is that you may want to consider self-hypnosis, AKA meditation and guided imagery. I posted a long thread about it under the "Chronic Pain" topic, I believe. Many people, including myself, have been known to scoff at the idea. But believe me, it really works!! It's now how I routinely deal with my anxiety.

I also wanted to say if you're using benzos along with your suboxone, please be careful. The two together can depress your respiration and have the propensity to be dangerous.

Sorry for the long rant. Again, welcome to the forum and I hope we hear more from you.

Melissa

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 27, 2010 3:42 pm 
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Hi Brad!

Welcome to the forum. I too am glad you felt comfortable enough to share a little about yourself and agree with the others that this place is a great support. This is the only place I can go where I know people can relate to me. I am just starting to learn the meditation that Melissa has talked about. In the past I have rolled my eyes at it, but I finally realized I need to deal with the anxiety I get WITHOUT using meds. My mom has said she is pretty sure I have had an anxiety problem since I was very young (3 or 4) and I would have to agree. My therapist showed me some studies that were done regarding how meditation impacts and changes the brain and how over time, if practiced enough, it can decrease your physiological reactions to things, thoughts, and events thus eliminating the feelings of anxiety. He said you have to be very determined to get to this point, but given how mature you sound and how far you have come already, you may very well have the level of determination needed to stick it out.

I think it is very compassionate of you to be concerned for your family. I don't have kids of my own, only a stepson, but any time Igive something of myself monetarily or emotionally, and he uses it to better himself and further his life, I truly enjoy giving it to him and don't even think about the money. I am sure your parents are so proud of you for how far you have come and how well you are doing that it is worth every penny. I don't know how well they understand addiction, but if they understand it, then they probably feel like this is no different than paying for a child who has any other medical condition and know this is what they signed up for. I admire them for being understanding enough to help you take care of the expense. I also understand feeling guilt over this disease and the negative impact I have had on others. It sometimes seems harder to convince myself it is a disease and not my poor character that has caused this than it is for my family.

I can also tell you that you will have plenty of time in your life to continue doing well and to give back to your parents. As an adult, I have done well with the education my parents paid for which is a great gift to them as they watch me progress in my life. I have also been able to help my parents when times have been rough for them. I would hate for THEM to feel guilty for accepting it because I am happy to give it. I don't think your parents would want you to feel so anxious about it.

Also, if there are several people in your family with medical problems and they are paying a lot for medical, it is quite likely they get a tax deduction for it. I was told it needed to be 10% of your income to claim the tax deduction. I have never hit it myself, but it sounds like they might be. That probably helps them land on the high end of a tax bracket anyways. Point being, it is probably working itself out. If they have't said anything to you about the cost and being concerned themselves, don't worry about it. I do not know what you have to do to qualify for the suboxone assistance program or if you would qualify, but I believe if you go to the suboxone web site you can look up the program. That might be another way you could help out.

Take care!

Cherie


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