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PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2012 5:36 pm 
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Hey all,

Just signed up for the forum today, I've read a few threads since I started suboxone 2.5 months ago, but I figured I would finally get involved here myself in order to communicate with others I can relate to. Also I figure this can be very useful and helpful in my ongoing recovery.

A little about me...
The basics - I'm 24, live in New Jersey, used opiates on/off for 18 months (perc 30s), and just started suboxone in May. I love sports, music, movies, etc..the usual.


My story is probably not crazy unique or anything..but I feel the urge to share how I got to where I'm at today...
I smoked pot pretty much every day from the age of 14 when I dealt with a personal tragedy.. (I lost someone very close to me who died way too young). Smoking weed was the first thing I ever found that made me feel relaxed and helped me deal with the depression, anxiety, and stress I struggled with on a daily basis. I smoked a ton of weed, because it relaxed me for a little, but never quite did the job for long enough..

By the time I was 16ish, I started selling weed to support my heavy smoking habit and got addicted to that. It made me feel really "cool", for lack of a better word. I loved being known as the kid who smoked a ton of weed and made a lot of money selling it. I built myself up on that platform for years. I was determined to be known as some huge pot dealer in my local area, known by everyone. I had this idea of being some notorious drug dealer, being almost famous amongst all the people in my age group (but for all the wrong reasons obviously & unfortunately). I wanted that image because it helped me escape from the depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, etc that was destroying me inside.

I had experimented with different kinds of drugs between the ages of 16-20 but never really got into anything but smoking pot around the clock. I was actually able to function quite well being high all the time too, getting good grades, secured a good job, etc. But my world came crashing down in late 2010, when I had just turned 22. I came home to my rental house after a night of being out partying and found a lot of my possessions/valuables had been stolen from the house when I was out. Someone had broken in and made off with about $5,500 in cash/pot. I was devastated, not just because of the financial loss, but because of the betrayal I felt..since it was clearly someone close to me who I thought I could trust. I went on a rampage for a few days, gobbling benzo's til I blacked out, and tried my first perc 30. The moment the pill hit my system, I was in love. I had never felt such instant anxiety-relief and such a sudden boost of confidence. It made me feel like a different person completely. I had been around perc 30s for about 2-3 years at that point, but was always very against them. I had made a very strict rule for myself in the last 2 years or so that I would only use marijuana and nothing else, no more experimenting. As soon as that break-in happened, I didn't care anymore. I threw the rule out the window. I figured it was better than killing myself, because that's what I really felt like doing.

I quickly became addicted to perc 30s, started using 60mg a day, and started selling them too. Finally after 5 months of every-day use, I decided it was time to give it up. It was becoming too much a part of my life and I was supposed to take on huge new responsibilities at my job soon that went with a promotion. I gave my connection to a "friend" who dealt but didn't use, and I went to a detox instead of taking the promotion. I knew I was in no shape to take on something like that. I kicked cold-turkey and it was terrible. I felt it physically for about 5 weeks until I felt normal again. But I never felt normal emotionally or mentally after that. I managed to stay clean for about 6-7 months and used marijuana heavily for maintenance. The whole time I secretly craved that instant anxiety/depression relief that opiates gave me. Late last year I relapsed, and was quickly back to using at least one pill a day, if not more. After about 3-4 months of my opiate use steadily climbing, I was the target of a bust by state law enforcement for marijuana distribution. I spent a few weeks in jail and kicked in there. Again, it was terrible, especially in that environment. I finally bailed out following a bail reduction after 2-3 weeks. I almost immediately went back to opiates, and for the first time it heavily outweighed my marijuana use. It had become my "main thing".

Finally after 2-3 months of using, I was going broke, I was losing my family (who was still there for me even after the arrest), I had alienated any real friends I had left, I was lonely, broken, and sick of it all. I got honest with my family, although they said they knew already, and went to a suboxone doctor, or a "Suboxtor" as I like to call them. It was the best decision I have made in regards to my recovery. Words cannot describe how much this has helped me. I started with the 2mg film and have now tapered it down to .5mg - 1mg of film daily.I was struggling with depression and anxiety more than ever in the months after my arrest. I felt like I was destined for a lengthy prison term, that I had ruined my life, and there was no point of going on. I kept telling myself I'd never find a good job again with a criminal record. Suboxone is a big reason I snapped out of that state of mind. I now see that I'm still young and have a long road ahead of me to fix the damage I've done. I have started working again, which I didn't think was possible before suboxone because of how I felt mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I get along great with my family. I feel truly happy for the first time in years, even with the possibility of jail looming, I know God will help me overcome whatever obstacles are thrown in my path. I am confident that I will never go back to actively using opiates again. Suboxone has improved my quality of life immensely. I have energy, I have purpose, I have hope. I have a life again. I felt that I would never be the same person after I got into opiate abuse...that my life would be controlled by the addiction forever. Now I know that is not the case. Thank you suboxone!!!!!


Sorry if that was a short novel. I just felt like telling my story, start to finish, and it felt good to do so. Hope you guys can relate. Any feedback or pointing out similarities between our stories would be cool. I also have a few questions -
1) How long should one plan to be on suboxone? 2) Is it true that some stay on suboxone for life? 3) Are there any negative health effects from long-term suboxone use? 4) Why are the Packers so clearly the best team in the football?

Looking forward to talking with everyone


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2012 6:11 pm 
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Hi there!!! Welcome to the Forum! Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story with us. I agree that this forum can be very useful to you in your ongoing recovery. It is to me. It is my main source of support, besides my family, in my recovery. Just talking to other addicts in recovery on a daily basis, gives me a lot of what I need to keep moving forward.

I always love reading where people have come from and where they are at now. You have had quite a bit of experience in your 24 years! It sounds as though you have learned a lot though, and came out on the other side. That is always inspiring when I hear it. Especially when it happens at this young of an age.

The depression, low self esteem, and anxiety are definitely three things that I can relate to on a huge level. I just recently posted my story under the "my addiction story" category if you're interested. Those were always my motivating factors for using. I hated the way I felt "sober". I have worked on these things and I am truly happy with who I am today. I love myself for who I am, and regardless of the things I've done in active addiction, I am a good person who loves helping and supporting people.

I think that you have come to the right place to get the support that you are seeking. My family is wonderful, but they are not addicts. And they will never truly understand what it feels like to be one.

To answer some of your questions from my point of view.....I feel as though I just may take suboxone for the rest of my life. I am a chronic relapser and it took me a while to not only realize this about myself, but also to accept it. Suboxone takes away those cravings and allows me to be a great mother, daughter, sister, and a productive contributing member of society. I am not saying that I will DEFINITELY take it for life, but there are people that will, and I too am open to that. I don't really know about the long term affects of suboxone on ones health, however I am sure that some others on the forum will chime in and tell you what they know. I think that every persons life and experiences are unique. The length of time you choose to stay on suboxone is a very personal choice. Learn as much as you can. Get you life back. Work on the things that made you use over and over....(the depression, anxiety, and low self esteem). Once all of those things are taken care of, and you are feeling like your feet are firmly beneath you, you may feel ready to come off of suboxone. Just don't rush anything that doesn't need to be rushed. Whatever you decide to do, we will be here to support you.

Thanks again for sharing your story, and again, WELCOME to the forum!!

GO EAGLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

_________________
"All great changes are preceded by chaos."
~Deepak Chopra


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2012 8:02 pm 
Hey sugar, nice eye by tha way. baby blue for a pretty baby. haha what? yo so ill chime in. Long term effects of that subby for my damn self is- lazzzyness, motha fuckin sleepin like a log, limp bizkit, fingers to the sky and blow me attitude (if i could get it up) haha na jut fuckin wit u. I do it rite when it cunts. COUNTS. oops, haha again. my b, otha side effects be deehydrasion, cottom mouth like a little stoner kid, yo them runs like a mad man, fuckin man boobs, low testosterone, no drive for life, saddness, hopelessness umm yo u puttin me on da spot. haha na jk. lets see what else, bein dependant on a lil pill, jauntis, bad breath 4 real, stomach hurst like a big bitch and kinda like no feelings . Thats what i come up wit on the spot. but im sure they might be more whos countin tho , ya know. I'm destined to be takin subs foreva if i haves too. cuz fuckk it i aint stickin no needle in my dick again. yo that shit hurt!!!!!!!11


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2012 9:48 pm 
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Goinstrong wrote:
Hi there!!! Welcome to the Forum! Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story with us. I agree that this forum can be very useful to you in your ongoing recovery. It is to me. It is my main source of support, besides my family, in my recovery. Just talking to other addicts in recovery on a daily basis, gives me a lot of what I need to keep moving forward.

I always love reading where people have come from and where they are at now. You have had quite a bit of experience in your 24 years! It sounds as though you have learned a lot though, and came out on the other side. That is always inspiring when I hear it. Especially when it happens at this young of an age.

The depression, low self esteem, and anxiety are definitely three things that I can relate to on a huge level. I just recently posted my story under the "my addiction story" category if you're interested. Those were always my motivating factors for using. I hated the way I felt "sober". I have worked on these things and I am truly happy with who I am today. I love myself for who I am, and regardless of the things I've done in active addiction, I am a good person who loves helping and supporting people.

I think that you have come to the right place to get the support that you are seeking. My family is wonderful, but they are not addicts. And they will never truly understand what it feels like to be one.

To answer some of your questions from my point of view.....I feel as though I just may take suboxone for the rest of my life. I am a chronic relapser and it took me a while to not only realize this about myself, but also to accept it. Suboxone takes away those cravings and allows me to be a great mother, daughter, sister, and a productive contributing member of society. I am not saying that I will DEFINITELY take it for life, but there are people that will, and I too am open to that. I don't really know about the long term affects of suboxone on ones health, however I am sure that some others on the forum will chime in and tell you what they know. I think that every persons life and experiences are unique. The length of time you choose to stay on suboxone is a very personal choice. Learn as much as you can. Get you life back. Work on the things that made you use over and over....(the depression, anxiety, and low self esteem). Once all of those things are taken care of, and you are feeling like your feet are firmly beneath you, you may feel ready to come off of suboxone. Just don't rush anything that doesn't need to be rushed. Whatever you decide to do, we will be here to support you.

Thanks again for sharing your story, and again, WELCOME to the forum!!

GO EAGLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL


Thanks very much Kelly! I appreciate your encouragement and sharing your hope with me as well. It's very inspiring to hear stories like yours. I can only pray that I continue to feel like I have been and eventually get to the place that you seem to be at. I have been thinking about going to NA meetings lately a little to become more active in my recovery, but I just hate them. I feel uncomfortable, like an outsider there. Probably in my head but I think it could only help for support. I am going to go read your story in the other part of the forum to hear more about your experience and try to gain some more insight from what you share. Again, very much appreciated. And BOOOOOOO Eagles!! I was at the 4th and 26 game when the Eagles came back and beat the Pack!! SO PAINFUL! Lol

And SuboxSaves, I appreciate the heads up on all the annoying and uncomfortable side effects I may have down the road, outside of the ones I can relate to already. I sometimes get really nasty and irritable a few hours after taking it, I guess when it's wearing off a bit. I'm trying hard to work on that now. But like you said, it's better than being out there, fuckin up, and gettin high still. That shit is played out.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 12, 2012 12:11 pm 
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Welcome to the forum! I just joined today...been lurking for awhile but finally decided to join. Everyone here seems super knowledgable and friendly. I'm making calls tomorrow to find my own Suboxtor...love that :)

I'm a 28 year old mama to 3 (13, 5 and 3) and I can relate to your story in terms of using opiates to bury pain. I'm started using soon after my daughter was born 3.5 years ago. Her delivery just really screwed over my back and then when she was a year old I left my husband. I can't go into any more detail or I'll bawl...I'm already crying now just thinking about it lol Its not the fact that I ended my marriage that hurts, God knows that was the best decision I've made, but what I think it did to my kids.

Anyway, my husbands friend gave me suboxone films about a month ago and I've been in love ever since. I feel normal again and it helps immensely with my back pain. Hopefully I can find a doctor tomorrow. As far as your question about the Packers goes...I can't help you there because I bleed purple ;)


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 18, 2012 10:24 pm 
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I would love to agree with you about everything you wrote but....STEELERS RULE!!!!

Other than that, I enjoyed reading your story and I'm glad that you found us! It seems like, despite all of the negative stuff that happened in your life, you always knew that you had more in you than being a junkie. You are young to have gained a lot of the insight you display, so my guess is that your brain was telling you all along that being an addict wasn't you. I don't want to discount any of the work you've done to gain insight, so if I'm not inferring the right information from your post I apologize.

Anyway, welcome!

Amy

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 22, 2012 8:21 am 
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I am also new here. This really a great forum. But I can't post any link there. Did you?


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