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 Post subject: new girl reaching OUT!
PostPosted: Mon Oct 22, 2012 5:47 am 
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hello. im a new memeber lookin for help! here for my boyfriend of 15 years. was started on Vics 4 yrs ago for a lil injury. now up to almost 30 norcs a day . his behavior changed all 2gether. only thing he worries about as soon as he gets up is finding more. we r loosing everything and r family is falling apart! im fighting everyone we know off protecting him cause people think he is on drugs. im lying to them all. now our oldest son is even asking whats wrong w/ dad? im loosing control. i hate how angry i am. how can i help him? he has a appt in AM for a Sub clinic BUT he was suppossed to take none 2day in order to go N at 10pm he couldnt do it anymore n broke. i have tryed everything to help him N he cant even talk about it w/ me. only thing i didnt do is tell his parents or leave but i feel like thats wrong of me...im so confussed.


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 22, 2012 1:16 pm 
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Hi frustrated and welcome to the forum. Sorry you are in such a tough spot. Even though your husband took something, I hope he kept his appointment at least to talk to the doc and work out another time to induce. He sounds like a good candidate for Suboxone treatment. It will allow him to get off the treadmill of getting and using and finding ways and means to get more - without going through withdrawal and cravings. Once he gets stabilized on it he should be able to take a look at the family issues, finances and other problems. But it will take time. Getting on the medication is a good first step. Let us know what happened with the appt. Also, maybe you can show him this forum. He will find a lot of people who can identify with what he is going through.
Hang in there
Lilly


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 22, 2012 3:28 pm 
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Hi Frustrated and welcome! Like Lily said, just hang in there! I know it's hard. I was the one with the "problem" tho, my husband was in your shoes.

I would definetly show him the forum, let him look around and see that there are so many of us that have gone thru this and there's still a lot of brand new members going thru it right now. It must be especially hard tho when you're not the one actually addicted, but his addiction is hurting him, you, and your family. I'm so sorry you're going thru this, the same way I'm so sorry I put my husband thru it. I got help tho, and the suboxone has saved me and my family from losing everything. We were well on our way, behind on bills, behind on our mortgage. It took me so long to make that sub appt., but I'm so glad I did.

I hope he's still going to his appointment tomorrow. He may have broke down today, but I was on norcos as well, and I took a couple the day before my induction, and I did alright. It's not too late. If anything, he can go to his appt., talk with the dr and start the next day.

Feel free to keep posting, just because you're not the addict, doesn't mean you won't get support here. Please let us know tho if he kept his appt. I sure hope he does. Once he starts the suboxone, he will probably be more able to talk to you about treatment, his addiction, finances, everything. It really does work, and it makes a world of difference.

Good Luck hun and let us know if you or him have any questions. There's a lot of very, very knowledgable people on this forum and no one judges here!

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 Post subject: thanx for the replys
PostPosted: Mon Oct 22, 2012 5:00 pm 
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Just for a update yes he went to his appt. today alone didnt want me to go and was gone a lil over an hour and came back. He said the Doc would not start him on any thing . they told him that he didnt have atleast one yr of a detox program on record anywhere so they would not help him... is that how it works? He can not detox by himself, he can not handle the W/D and the other programs are so much money so what are you suppossed to do? He Said he is just gonna tapper himself off but im worried cause we have tried that and he has no control at all. Has this happened to anyone where a clinic turns you away? I have told him about this forum and tried to sit w/ him and show him but it is too hard for him to admit he has a problem. that is why i signed up .


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 22, 2012 6:56 pm 
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Hmm.. I can't say for certain what type of place your BF went to but that doesn't sound right. It could be that he was applying for some kind of assistance and maybe they require a history of treatment..?? I don't know. But what I can tell you is that a regular suboxone treatment place expects using addicts to walk through their doors. It's a last resort treatment. It's for people who can't get there themselves, that's the whole point of it.

I hope he'll continue to search for a sub doctor or go back to the original one. I can tell you that it saved both my husband's life and mine. We were in the same shoes, using together, homeless for the better part of the time, lost our friends.. family didn't want anything to do with us. If you could see us know, you'd have no clue. We've done a complete 180 turn around with the help of suboxone.


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 22, 2012 9:25 pm 
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[font=Comic Sans MS]Hello Frustrated and welcome to the forum! I am not really sure where to start. The first thing that I think that
you need to know, is that YOU CANNOT SAVE HIM. He has got to want it for himself. My family tried everything from
loving me more, to completely cutting me off, to getting right in my face. None of it worked. What did work...was losing
my family. When my two children were taken from me, that was my bottom. I no longer wanted to live. I no longer
wanted to live that kind of life. I wanted my kids to grow up knowing their mother. That still isn't hapening, but it isn't
because of me....that's a whole other story.

My point is, is that he has no consequences for his behavior. This addiction
(from what you have said), has not cost him anything YET. He has you keeping his family from knowing.
You are still there with him. His kids are still there. He hasn't lost anything. He hasn't paid any price
for what he is doing, besides fighting with you I'm sure. So why would he give it up?

As far as his excuse for not being treated at the sub clinic...I actually used that on the first time. I told my mom that they
wouldn't accept patients who hadn't been to in patient rehab. Which is a total crock of shit. I too, didn't want my mom
to go with me. Because then she would know that I never went in the first place.

I am worried about you and your children. What kind of future do you want for yourself and for your children? I know that
you love your boyfriend very much, but I have been in your shoes. Loving him doesn't help him. If it did, I wouldn't
be a single mother. I want you to get the support that you need behind you. When you are ready, you are going to need
to start telling people that love him, what is going on, and for how long it's been going on. You are going to need their
support to help get you through it as well.

For now, we are all here to keep on listening and guiding you in any way that we can. I certainly hope that my
response to you didn't sound harsh. I really do care and want what is best for your family as a whole. And having a
using addict in your home, isn't good for anyone, especially the children. Please take care of yourself, and keep us
posted as to how you are doing. God Bless You and Take Care~[/font]

_________________
"All great changes are preceded by chaos."
~Deepak Chopra


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 22, 2012 11:33 pm 
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Thanks Goingstrong for your advice! nothing you said was HARSH at all but very true! i agree w/ it all. It made my eyes water a lil, not because i got upset but because its so very true and i know it and need to hear it. Kinda speachless... dont know where to go from here. just feel torn cause if you love someone you should stick by their side and be there for them right? Well what if they are doing something bad or hurting themself and your family...do you still stand by ...or do you turn away when they need you most??? I am disappointed in myself for what all this has done to me. I feel like a babysitter. and grummpy, always stressing and hidding my $. just dont know whats right anymore. I so glad i found this site for help. cause i cant really talk to anyone about this right now so its been bottled up forever! Thanks for everyones support!


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 22, 2012 11:45 pm 
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thanks so much 4 all the support and im glad to know im not the only one going thru this. My biggest fear is my boyfriend wont quit after seeing how far this has gone and no improvment that one day he will just stop breathing in his sleep and i didnt do anything about it. What kind of mother would let that go and have to later explain that to her children? i have told him this many time. even told him iwas gonna tell his family. i started off being supportive but i feel so much angre toward him right now that i becoming mean... i know it and HATE it! but feels like he love his habbiti more than our family.


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2012 12:13 am 
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His addiction is in CONTROL, right now.

its not that he loves the drugs more than his family,,,, your not even 'dealing' with HIM, right now.
just the addiction................I know that from being on the OTHER side, of things......
My husband told ME the same thing.........
You get in soooo deep, you just feel hopeless,, helpless, and "gone"
Like you would be better off not around, then alive.
Im sorry your going thru this, addiction tears families apart every day.

Ive never heard of a suboxone dr. turning anybody away for that, so that's wierd.
here's a couple links, to find a doctor. Maybe you could get him to TRY AGIAN????

https://www.suboxone.com/patients/opioi ... octor.aspx


https://www.treatmentmatch.org/patients.cfm

Maybe it's time for you to give him your "line'' in the sand.............that's what it took for me. husband said I could no longer sleep in the apartment..........he told me I needed to go tell my family I needed a detox center, OR get into that suboxone thing I'd been talking about,,,,,,, and NOT one more day, was he dealing with MY SHIT.
well,
I slept in the parking lot, in our broken down truck for four nights, and froze my ass off. THEN got on the "list" for the suboxne dr.
So, even if your "line" doesnt work at first, it may later.
and if he DOESNT go for it,,,, do you REALLY want to deal with this addiction for howevermany years to come??????
I know it cant be easy...... my husband dealt with mine for about ten years, 5/6 years were real bad, pills came first.
those are HARD
questions to answer. but just think about it. . . . .
Hope this helps....................
and I hope he does make a change, SOON :wink:

_________________
anyone can give up,
its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to
hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
That's TRUE STRENGTH
http://almostoneyearclean.blogspot.com/


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2012 12:41 am 
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Amber..Thanks for yor help and support. I have gave him the choice and told him he needed to do something about his habbit BUT, he knows me too well, i need him and it would kill me to leave. guess i was not strong enough to actually go thru w/ it. He was my ROCK! Now i dont even know who this man is anymore. I ask myself similar questions everyday... do i need this or deserve this? Is this fair 4 our children? How much longer will this go on and will the man i used to know ever be back to stay? Even when he is in a good mood w/ his fix its not him and if he is out of his stuff trust me the whole house SUFFERS! He has missed out on so much...he dosnt even know! As far as the Sub clinic today i dont know what really happend and may never. hard to tell the truth anymore. i told him i would look around for another DR but he says he dont need my help! and guess i was a lil grummpy about him getting more norcs be4 his appt so now he says he dont even wanna be w/ me and i make him wanna do more.


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2012 5:43 am 
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Amber..Thanks for yor help and support. I have gave him the choice and told him he needed to do something about his habbit BUT, he knows me too well, i need him and it would kill me to leave. guess i was not strong enough to actually go thru w/ it. He was my ROCK! Now i dont even know who this man is anymore. I ask myself similar questions everyday... do i need this or deserve this? Is this fair 4 our children? How much longer will this go on and will the man i used to know ever be back to stay? Even when he is in a good mood w/ his fix its not him and if he is out of his stuff trust me the whole house SUFFERS! He has missed out on so much...he dosnt even know! As far as the Sub clinic today i dont know what really happend and may never. hard to tell the truth anymore. i told him i would look around for another DR but he says he dont need my help! and guess i was a lil grummpy about him getting more norcs be4 his appt so now he says he dont even wanna be w/ me and i make him wanna do more.

[font=Comic Sans MS]Ok, so you gave him a choice. And you caved. You said that he knows you too well. So basically he is counting
on the fact that you will NEVER leave. You mentioned that you need him and that he was your rock. Is he your rock now????
NO, YOU ARE HIS! He needs you right now to protect his drugs. You are the only thing that could destroy his relationship
with his pills right now.
You remind me a lot of me when I was dealing with Tylers dad. He was always screwed up on something, and when he
was, he seemed like he was all happy and ready to be the good boyfriend and dad. But even then, that wasn't the real him.
And then he would run out of pills.
That was when the real Adam came through. He was evil, hateful, and made sure that it was all my fault, and that
I paid for it.

Do you need this or deserve this? Absolutely not. You and your children do not deserve a life that revolves around
whether he has enough pills or not.

How much longer will this go on? As long as you allow it to. See, we teach peole how to treat us. And right now you are
telling him (without realizing it) that it's ok to do what he is doing, because you haven't done anything aobut it.

Wil the man you fell in love with ever be back to stay??? Only if he gets help. And only if its because he wants it. Not
because he was forced into it. This has to be his choice. Things have to get bad enough for him, for him to want to change.
And like I said in my earler post, right now, he has lost NOTHING. So why change anything? Do you see???

And as far as him not wanting your help with finding himself treatment, it's because he DOESNT WANT HELP.
That's all.

The best thing that I could have ever done for Tyler and myself was to cut all ties with him. I din't take phone calls, texts,
and I changed my number. One day, I got a letter that said he was done with Tyler all together and wanted nothing to
do with either one of us. See, he thought that this would hurt me, and make me beg him to come back. Wrong. It was the
greatest leter I had ever gotten. Now I know that Inever have to deal with him and all the drama that comes with him and
his drug use againg. Yes, it hurt in the beginning. But I was holding on to this hope that wasn't there. He was NEVER gonna
change. He didn't want to. He had all he needd right there wtih me and Ty. I cooked, cleaned, took care of the baby,
and he got to get high, and do whatever the hell he wanted. Why would he change that??? right????
Once he was kicked out, then I got all the begging and promises that he will change IF I just let him come back. I said "no,
you change first, then you can come back"
Of course I got the guilt trip about how I don't love him, and that I owe it to him to give him money and a place to stay
beause he is my sons dad....Bull shit. I was done.
My child is my priority.
I will make sure that he grows up knowing what normalcy is in a family. I was not going to raise him in a house with a using
addict.

You definately have decisions to make, and when you do make them, you HAVE GOT TO FOLLOW THROUGH. We are here to
help.
Keep us posted......[/font]

_________________
"All great changes are preceded by chaos."
~Deepak Chopra


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