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PostPosted: Sat May 19, 2012 6:07 pm 
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Hi all,

I am a happy Sub user and it has saved me from falling into a life of who knows what, probably death b/c I kept increasing my dose of Oxy's and by the time I went to the Sub Dr., I was using 7 - 10 30mg Oxy's per day. Since not using anything like that except Subs now, I have done some introspection of myself. All my life, I felt different than everybody else. I watched as other kids adapted to situations while we grew up and I just pretended to adapt to the same kinds of situations but I knew that I was only imitating those who were my school mates and friends. All through grade school, I didn't know where I fit into this new place called "school".

I just knew that I hated leaving home every morning to go to this place. I am going to leave out many details and be very brief for the sake of time but I felt like a fish out of water in grade school, Middle School but when I got to HS, everything changed. I found drugs. I smoked pot for the entire Freshman year but suddenly, I hated pot. I quit smoking it and looked for other kinds of drugs to make me feel better. When I was 16, an older friend turned me on to Crystal meth, WAYYYY before it was popular. I loved it. I always went for the drugs that did the most to rev me up and even the ones that tuned me down. One of my favorites was Quaalude's. I knew I was cool and fit right in on Ludes and it is important to add at this time that I was not looking to inebriate myself, I only wanted this uncomfortable feeling to go away whatever it was. I took just enough of whatever drug I had just to get the effects so I could function, even with alcohol, I would drink just what I needed, and I would stop.

This is turning into too long an introduction. In my adult years, I found that beer was my drug of choice and I always had beer near me and in me. Not in the morning or at work, just enough for a social lubricant, again, not to get drunk but to feel good. I never got a DUI even though I had been pulled over while buzzed many times, I liked beer all through my 20's into my 30's. In my late 30's, I began to feel negative about everything, I didn't know what this feeling was, it was like all my years had led me up to this point in my life where I was.....where? I didn't know, just like in school, I didn't know, only this time, I couldn't get happy anymore with beer. I had some major dental work and the doctor gave me Percocets, and that led me to other drugs but in the meantime, my doctor diagnosed me with depression and put me on Prozac. I found out my mother used Prozac and I explained how I felt to her and she told me she felt the same way all her life (but she never self medicated) but my brother and father didn't have depression. They still don't need antidepressants but both my mother and I do.

What I was doing was self-medicating myself even after the antidepressants. None of them ever worked enough to help me with my cravings to change the way I felt day in and day out, I had to do that more and more over the years. When I found Oxy's I wondered why they couldn't come up with something like that only that doesn't get you high and you don't develop a tolerance to it. A year later, I found Suboxone. That was 2.5 years ago and from the very first day that I took it, I have never had the urge to drink, drug or anything else (and strangely the urge to look at naked women on the internet or in magazines went away with it.) I still take 4mg once a day and I have never felt better (save for my name spelled backwards, :wink: that is the pits. I just ordered Chia seeds to try for that problem.)

So, point is that I don't want to change anything right now. Before you criticize me for being on Subs so long, remember that this isn't my life story here and much much more negative things have happened to me in that time period to the point that I either find a way to live or else I was going to die by overdose. I found the help I needed with Suboxone. The side effects are minor compared to my life prior to having Subs. I need to add that I went through periods of time in my late 20's and 30's where I did NOTHING; no beer, no drugs, NOTHING and I am talking sometimes 2 years at a time. During those "dry times" I would crave drugs and beer and internet porn, (that was the thing I had most guilt with) That is how I know that there was something underlying causing me to want to feel better. Once you find something, you stop looking for it, right? I found what I was looking for and for now, that is Subs. It has given me new life. I haven't craved anything for years.


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PostPosted: Sat May 19, 2012 9:36 pm 
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Welcome to the forum!!! Love your choice of names! Although I probably would not have noticed it save for the comment you made in your post. (Hope those Chia seeds work out for you!)

I would never criticize you for being on sub for a long time. There are lots of people here who have also been on sub for years and years. It's my opinion that people who start their drug use during the teen years are more likely to need sub for a long time and possibly for life. Besides, why would I judge you when I've never been in your particular circumstances? The only one I need to be concerned about making decisions for is me!

I'm really glad that you've found a medication that works for you, both with controlling your opiate use and with the feeling of being uncomfortable all the time. There have been threads here about treating depression with sub, and they might be of interest to you.

Welcome again!

Amy

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PostPosted: Sat May 19, 2012 11:25 pm 
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Amy-Work In Progress wrote:
Welcome to the forum!!! Love your choice of names! Although I probably would not have noticed it save for the comment you made in your post. (Hope those Chia seeds work out for you!)

I would never criticize you for being on sub for a long time. There are lots of people here who have also been on sub for years and years. It's my opinion that people who start their drug use during the teen years are more likely to need sub for a long time and possibly for life. Besides, why would I judge you when I've never been in your particular circumstances? The only one I need to be concerned about making decisions for is me!

I'm really glad that you've found a medication that works for you, both with controlling your opiate use and with the feeling of being uncomfortable all the time. There have been threads here about treating depression with sub, and they might be of interest to you.

Welcome again!

Amy


Thanks for the post, Amy. One thing I didn't mention which happened to be the main point of the message that I wrote was the fact that since getting on Suboxone, I have not had the debilitating depression that I had for years and years. I was a truly unhappy person and that is why I took drugs. I don't know why it is this way for me, perhaps I caused this by experimenting with drugs as a young teen but I know that is not the reason that I am where I am with depression and the self-medicating that I have done all my life b/c I remember as a very young child not feeling "right" like something just needed a minor adjustment in my brain. I guess that is the chemical inbalance that is spoken of, I can tell you for sure that it is real. As soon as I discovered that I can alter that crushing feeling with drugs, I began my search for the one thing that would make me better.

Also, the reason that I have started on the 4mg and have stayed on the 4 mg is b/c I don't have a desire to change anything about me at the dose I am at. I can now live my life without getting the hopeless, sad and depressed feeling. As I said, the side effects are minor compared to how much help this has done for me. I have never even entertained the idea of stopping Subs. Why would I? Why should I? I think for now, this is going to work. As of later, maybe something better will come to those suffering depression, I don't know.

Talk soon, and hope you are having a nice "work in progress"!


Jim


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PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2012 10:43 pm 
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Oh wow, I just read this thread and I couldn't believe how much it sounded like you were writing all about me. There are so many similarities in our experiences...except for looking at naked women and porn. :o)

Similarities from feeling out of place and different than the other kids at school, to the depression, to doing drugs to feel comfortable in your own skin, to getting your first opiate from the dentist, to being put on Prozac for depression and it not working, to subs relieving your depression, to being on 4mg/day of sub, and having major issues with constipation!! I have experienced ALL of these things! Although, one difference is that I never had any gaps in my drug use for the last 20 years.

I just wanted to welcome you to the forum and tell you that I can relate to a lot of what you have said!


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