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 Post subject: Re: new to forum
PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2016 5:34 pm 
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:( feeling empty today... I don't know how else to explain it. Just empty. I'm sure it's normal but that doesn't seem to help much..the knowing I mean. Have a lot of anxiety and feel very stressed. I saw my ex driving today. Haven't talked to him in about a month. I am struggling to not txt him. He is not healthy for me and I know that what he calls love is just using me for everything he can. But I am pretty lonely right now and seeing him has made me want to call. I wish suboxene took that craving away as well as it does the opiates!! Haha. Thanks for listening. At least I have this forum I can talk to. I am grateful for that!


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 Post subject: Re: new to forum
PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2016 6:38 pm 
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Hey willow,

I'm sorry ur having a rough day, those days happen to us all at some point. Getting out of active addiction is huge but there's a lot of feelings that go along with recovery like guilt, loneliness and even a type of boredom. It's good to have some extra support like addiction counseling to help u deal with a whole bunch of things.

I do hope, if the ex is still using, that u realize what a bad idea it'd be to go bk to that. That would be putting ur recovery at risk and in the long run nothing is worth that. I know ur strong, keep doing the great work that ur doing.

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 Post subject: Re: new to forum
PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2016 8:30 pm 
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HI Jenn. Thanks for your reply. Ya I think I will hit a NA meeting tonight. That always helps. The ex is definitely still using and was my biggest supplier for a long time. He is who I first used with after 11 yes of sobriety so not a good person for me to be with. I know this in my head but my heart likes to put up a good fight with my head!! But just reaching out on here has helped to tame the desire to contact him some atleast and he has caused me a lot of emotional pain the last 6 yrs so I am trying to focus on that instead of letting myself forget and delude myself into thinking it will be any different. I've done that too many times and I know better. I need to move forward and let go. I am gonna have to allow myself to feel that grief and move thru it at my own pace instead of denying it. So I expect to have some difficult days with that . Time to stop procrastinating and allow those painful feelings. That's the only way I will heal. Ugh right! ! Thank you again for your support and kindness. Have a great evening.


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 Post subject: Re: new to forum
PostPosted: Sun Apr 17, 2016 5:53 pm 
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Well I thought I would just post an update. I have been on bup for a month now. Wow time does go fast. I was sitting here thinking about my last using day and start of bup. Seems like forever ago ! At the same time I can still remember (thank goodness) all the pain and hell of active addiction. Something I hope to NOT forget. I really think that played a role in my relapse. I know for me( the addict) at least I am really good and forgetting how bad it can and always is . I am very good at minimizing the trauma of active use. Over all I am doing very well. My side effects are very minimal now . Mostly just sweating and constipation. The sweating can also be the lovely menopause seeing how I am in the throws of that !!! So I will gladly take those as opposed to all the negative effects of oxy! I seem to have adjusted fine at a dose of 12mg. I will stay there for now and possibly try to drop some in the near future. I havery also been lucky enough to get some good mood effect from bup. Idk if it's because I am not on oxy or the bup but my depression and ptsd seem to be well managed for the most part right now. At least they are not as severe as they have been in the past. I have a lot of work as always to do on myself but that's OK. I came to accept that years ago. I am struggling some with feeling lonely . A lot of that has to due with my boyfriend and I not being together. Unfortunately that's some of the fall out of being sober. He chooses not to be so I have to choose to be apart. That is probably the hardest thing right now. Things with my kids and granddaughter are great. They are so happy I am clean and I am enjoying spending lots of time as a family. I have my down days of course. Some days are really hard. But the good is definitely outweighing the bad. I am definitely really obsessive right now. So that's something I need to work on. I feel overwhelmed if I think of all the mess I have to clean up in all aspects of my life so I am trying to just take it one day at a time or one hour or one minute !! Lol if I don't I end up a mess and get nothing accomplished . So slow but steady is where I am at for sure! Well that's all for now. Going to go cook dinner for the kids. Have a great evening. And one more thing...thank you to everyone for their support! I need all you guys and can't thank you enough!

Willow


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 Post subject: Re: new to forum
PostPosted: Mon Apr 18, 2016 3:39 am 
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Hi willow, it's good to hear from you. I just read your last three posts and it sounds like you are doing well. I hope you make a point of stopping by if you are feeling lonely or overwhelmed.
You are a strong woman Willow, saying goodbye to a relationship is difficult and I think you are amazing for not relenting. Sometimes our hearts have a way of ruling our heads, but as you are now seeing, everything is so much clearer with a sober mind.
I know you have days that aren't so great and that is normal. Is the loneliness attached to the absence of your ex partner or is it in a broader sense?
Stepping out of our comfort zone is a wonderful way to feel invigorated but is also scary. You are dealing with multiple changes that take time to heal from. Its not easy.
Your comment on slow and steady is worth believing.
Know that you are important to us.
You should be proud of where you are. Please keep in touch!


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 Post subject: Re: new to forum
PostPosted: Mon Apr 18, 2016 8:06 am 
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HI Katipo. So nice to hear from you! Thank you for your kind words. You guys here on the forum help me feel so good about myself! The loneliness is mostly because of my partner being gone I think. We have had a lot of struggles over the last 6 yrs . But I still maintained the idea of being together forever no matter what. I am a very loyal person that doesn't give up very easily. Sometimes that's good sometimes that's a fault. Lol. Being apart is necessary. He is who I used with when I relapsed on pills 6yrs ago. He is a pill dealer :( . I maintained the first 6 months we were together but finally gave in and that's how I got to where I am today. He wanted me to get sober again cause he could see it was killing me. But he wasn't willing to do so himself and to quit selling so I can not be with him now. I think that he chose pills over me makes it so much harder. I also think it's loneliness in the broader sense too though. I have always been a loner because I felt like I didn't fit in. Still do. That's one reason this forum is a God send! I feel like I belong here. I have my kids and granddaughter but I think I am lonely for adult company if that makes sense. It's hard for me to do group stuff and meet new people. I get a lot anxiety and stress in those situations. Of course pills helped with that at first. But we know that ends up backfiring. So these are things I need to work on. Another reason the forum is so helpful. Well time to get my son up for school . He is 16 but still wants me up when he is getting ready for school. Can't complain about that!! Hope you have a great day.

Willow


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 Post subject: Re: new to forum
PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2016 4:34 am 
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You certainly do belong here willow!
I will check in tomorrow. Sorry I couldn't respond properly.
Take care!


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 Post subject: Re: new to forum
PostPosted: Sun May 15, 2016 12:32 am 
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Hi everyone. I'm new to this forum and wanted to say hi. I've been an opiate addict for 13 years with periods of recovery, the longest being 3 years, but I always go back to using. This is the first time I've tried getting clean with suboxone. I also have chronic pain which of course lead to the addiction in the first place. And now a new dx of Bipolar type 2. I'm so relieved to have found this forum. It really helps to know I'm not alone in all this. It's been pretty overwhelming. Feel free to reply, would like to get to know you guys.


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 Post subject: Re: new to forum
PostPosted: Sun May 15, 2016 8:38 am 
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HI Jess ! So glad you are here! I see you found my first thread . I too have been a chronic relapser . My longest sobriety was 11 yrs! This is my first time with suboxone. I have been on it for 3 months. What a huge difference it has made! I no longer have the desire to chase pills. I have no withdrawal symptoms which is allowing me to start working on the reasons I use and abuse opiates in the first place. I am not constantly plagued by cravings now. I have hope that with this medication I can actually STAY sober and be free of active addiction. There are so many wonderful people on here including our founder who posts under suboxdoc. He is a Dr and an addict so he not only has real and truthful info he also has first hand knowledge and experience with what we all go through! I encourage you to read here and go to his other site called Talkzone. You will find access to it at the top of the forum. Lots of great articles and even some video links. I hope you continue to post so we can get to know you better. I too suffer from some mental issues. Not bipolar but a couple others. I have chronic pain from rheumatoid arthritis fibromyalgia. Suboxone has been a life saver for me. The people on this forum have been a huge support! I wish you the best and hope to see some more Posts from you. Don't be afraid to ask questions. That's what we are here for and to offer what ever support you want. Have a beautiful day.

Willow


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 Post subject: Re: new to forum
PostPosted: Sun May 15, 2016 12:01 pm 
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Hi Jess welcome :)

Willow said it perfectly.

The main thing,for me, is how wonderful suboxone works for eliminating my cravings. I'd been using for 5 to 6 yrs before finding sub. I'd been trying everything under the sun to stop and get into recovery. I did go about 5 to 6 months without using after I'd went to inpatient rehab. The cravings I experienced during those months were so intense, I couldn't even think straight. I couldn't concentrate on my children, heck I became a recluse. I didn't wanna talk to anyone, I was depressed 24 hrs a day. During all those months clean, I counted 4 days being tolerable. I relapsed with the mindset of....well if I'm this miserable clean, at least if I use again I'll be happy some of the time which is more than I got now (crazy I know lol).

I finally decided to make an appt with my sub clinic, I didn't know much at all about sub and had zero faith that anything was going to help me. I was wrong!! Cravings were gone and I was able to wake up in peace. I'm still so grateful I don't have to live in complete hell anymore, after all these yrs, I'm still thankful each and every day. It's a blessing, I cannot express enough how happy I am today compared to then.

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 Post subject: Re: new to forum
PostPosted: Sun May 15, 2016 4:07 pm 
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Hi Willow, glad to hear you are feeling better. It seems you are adjusting to the Subs. I was reading through these posts and when you said you took an extra 4mg. I said to myself "Geez, that's nothing" I hope you told the Dr. He/she shouldn't have a problem with that. My Dr. started me at 32mgs. and in 4 and a half years, now I'm down to 8mgs. I think you should start higher, maybe at 12mgs or 16mgs and then slowly taper to 8. I think you would feel better about the cravings and it helps with pain.

The sweats must be from menopause because you mentioned you were 43 yrs. old. I'm 73. You are still young and menopause will be gone soon. My daughter is 51 and she's done and boy is she happy. She doesn't miss the bloody visit at all.

Well, you know I'm here whenever you want to chat or ask questions. Gosh I just realized I have been here since 2010. Crazy, huh?

Take care, Willowbabe. Don't give in and don't give up!!!!

Love you, big hug,
Queenie


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 Post subject: Re: new to forum
PostPosted: Sun May 15, 2016 6:39 pm 
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HI Queenie! Great to hear from you. Yes I told the Dr and he bumped me up to 12 mg. That's where I am now and doing good. I will drop back down but not for a while like you mentioned. I am actually 48 so yes I believe I am in the throws of menopause for sure ! Some of the sweats where definitely because my dose was to low cause I can tell the difference now. I still have them but now they are just normal hot flashes and sweats that come with it. The higher dose has taken care of all the WD symptoms and what a relief that is!! It also has helped with my RA and fibromyalgia pain some so that's a bonus! It was great to hear from you and hope all is well with you.

Love and big hugs,
Willow


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 Post subject: Re: new to forum
PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2016 1:17 pm 
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Thanks Willow and Jenn for the welcome. Jenn, I totally relate to relapsing because you were so miserable anything would be better than that. I felt like that the whole 3 yrs I was sober and finally ended up relapsing in November. This time it was way worse, though. Before this last relapse my opiate use was all prescription drugs, all obtained legally, but in ridiculously high doses and with a fair amount of manipulation on my part. I had surgery last summer and was on high doses of oxy for about 3 months. I was able to get off them, but the depression was worse than ever, so like I said I relapsed. But this time I turned to heroine which brought me too my knees fast. I was so desperate that I decided to go on suboxone which I had rejected in the past. I wish I had done this years ago. Actually I'm still on just the bup since that's what the detox I went to uses, but I assume I will get switched to suboxone once I see the dr that's going to continue my treatment. I'm in IOP so still under the care of the dr there. I've been reading on here about dosing and absorption and and trying some of the techniques and I think I'm doing better, but still having a lot of pain, sweats, runny nose ect. I'm taking 12 mg a day (4mg three times a day) and have been reluctant to ask to go any higher, thinking these symptoms would go away, but it's been over 6 weeks with little improvement. Any advice? At first I felt like I got decent pain control for my chronic pain (related to autoimmune disease) but not now. I have always had a really high tolerance for most drugs, not just opiates. Can that affect how much I should take or is it just based on how much I was using? The good thing, though, is that the cravings are almost completely gone, even when I'm feeling poorly. I would really appreciate any advice. It feels really great to connect to other people who are dealing with the same stuff. I feel like you guys really know what I'm going thru, more than even my IOP or 12 step group.


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 Post subject: Re: new to forum
PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2016 3:59 pm 
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Hey Jess :)

Well since u were on heroin, it is possible that u may need 16mg if ur tolerance was high enough. Did u have a big tolerance? 12mg is a good dose that seems to work pretty well for most ppl, but if ur still having sweats and withdrawal type symptoms, could be ur dose.

Also it could be ur absorption. Some ppl have a little bit of a tough time absorbing the pill form. Make sure u hold it under ur tongue towards the bk and don't swollow or talk til it's done dissolving. I take the strips, I have a lot more luck with those.

I know u said u were splitting up ur doses because u have pain right? Well maybe 4mg at a time is too small. Maybe try 8 then 4 in the evening....that's just a guess lol I don't have any idea if that'd matter or not. I'm just trying to think of things that will help u. But I still think that u may need a little bit higher of a dose or ur not getting good absorption.

No matter what, u will adjust either way even if ur dose doesn't get adjusted. It's good that ur cravings are gone though, isn't that such a relief? The cravings used to consume me, I was so obsessed with using that I'd start worrying about the next day an hour after scoring and feeling good that day. I could not function at all. U know how there's functioning addicts that can still work and live halfway normal....then there's the addicts that can't function at all in active addiction, that was me.

We all understand each other here, it's such a wonderful place for us to get support, u definitely came to the right place :)

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Jennifer


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