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PostPosted: Wed Dec 11, 2013 10:08 pm 
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hi guys

I'm new to the forum, been reading for a couple months and finally decided to join. heres kind of my backstory:

I've been living with the love of my life for the last 3 months. i knew going into a relationship with him would be far from normal. he was very up front and honest about his past and very honest about his recreational using, (which we both knew i was not comfortable with.) he fought me day in and day out to support his decision to be taking suboxone, and until reading this forum i found it just as a replacement for the heroin addiction. he's been doing very well for 3 months on the suboxone but recently had a relapse. i caught him high and lying straight to my face, gave him many opportunities to just be honest. he's always told me he's only lying if he has something to hide. this wasn't the first time i caught him lying, so we ended up breaking up. if he was honest, i would have felt like i was on his team in this battle, that he wanted support. the lie made it clear he just wanted to use. i wanted to work towards regaining the trust but from a friendship perspective before jumping back into a relationship, and flash forward 3 days later i walk in our bathroom and catch him using. i left, he went on a 2 night hiatus (using goes without saying) he says he wants to be clean and he wants to stop using and what he saw in the last 2 nights reminded him why he hates that lifestyle and theres nothing worth going back for. i just have such a hard time believing him at all anymore.

what i'm struggling with is how to be supportive without being codependent. i feel like by letting him back in my life to any capacity, even as a friendship, I'm setting myself up for disappointment and hurt again...on top of that its okay to lie and use behind my back. i feel like putting my foot down entirely and cutting him out of my life is just not an option. i feel like I'm punishing myself by not allowing myself to see him or him to see me. but i feel like seeing him is just going to pull me back into being consumed by his addiction and checking in on him and what he's doing. the only way i can think to regain the trust is to let go a lot and step back and see how he does without me filling all his free time and up his ass about his phone records and how much suboxone he ate that day.

anyway I'm sorry for rambling. my friends just say "i told you so" and i feel so stupid for constantly just getting back with him chance after chance but like i said this is my forever, my future hubby, my one and only. I'm not the girl that has to be in a relationship, I've been single and independent and never needed a man to be happy until this one. i don't want to be a hopeless romantic and wind up the fool.

id love any input and advice. my heart is very sad :(


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 12, 2013 9:37 am 
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Joined: Mon Sep 09, 2013 4:49 pm
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Hi X.S

I can only share what little i know about addiction. My son is on suboxone for an IV heroin addiction. Early on we thought he could get & STAY clean with emotional support from his family but soon learned it required a lot more than that. He still struggles with his addiction even while on sub, it is often the first thing he thinks of when things get hard in life, it's his way to escape. Anyway, what i really want to say is someone can truly want to be clean & still relapse.

IMHO while on suboxone a person needs to learn new coping skills & strategies to change behaviors & fight the cravings & that's what suboxone is doing for me...it gives me time away from the pain pills & time with an addiction counselor to deal with things. I am the last person you would expect to be an addict & i hid it well. I got hooked because of pain initially but soon found i could get rid of emotional pain by taking a few more. No matter how badly i wanted to stop (I tried many times) i just couldn't.

Love is not enough to stop a relapse as i learned with my son. I don't have any advice for you but wanted to share my story with you. Maybe it can help you see addiction from a different side.

I feel for you as i have been in similar shoes. Hopefully someone will post with better info/idea's.


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 13, 2013 7:59 pm 
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first of all, thank you for your reply. I made the decision to still be in his life and allow him to finally put his money where his mouth is. he makes a ton of promises, but I am fully aware that if everyone who just WANTED to be clean could, then... well... there wouldn't be anything called 'addiction.' I truly believe he is working towards recovery... he is working an almost full-time job, is saving money to rent his own place, got a new number and didn't save numbers from his old friends, and suggested he would take UA whenever I ask him. He also suggested going to meetings and asked if i would be willing to go with him.

Last night I agreed after not seeing him for a week to go to a meeting with him, and he asked if we could go to an Al-Anon meeting instead of an AA or NA. I asked why, and he said he wanted to see how his actions effect everyone else in his life. I thought that was really amazing, and after the meeting we had some really good conversations surrounding the topic. He enjoyed himself, as did I, and he asked if we could go to more together.

I went to 2 this morning on my own, and I'm learning what they call 'detachment'?? Im learning that this is his battle, and no matter how much I want to stop his using or block his access to his old friends and count and watch his suboxone use, I'm only making it worse by treating him like an addict. I forget how far he has come from being homeless or locked up and how proud of him I am when I see a relapse and get angry that he is lying, but I'm learning to not try and control and fix it for him. Mainly because all that does is consume me with his recovery and addiction.

I am still struggling to regain trust and where to set my boundaries with the relationship until we can find that trust again. i love the guy with my whole heart and truly do believe he CAN do this. but I'm so scared still of continuing any relationship when the potential for disappointment and hurt is still so high. Where is the line between being supportive and being naive? Where is the line between a minor slip and a full relapse? and how will i ever know if he is truly being honest with me if I can't/ don't see what he does behind my back?

I know many of you have children or husbands or wives, or are in recovery yourself.... I have found a lot of comfort in Al-Anon, but I still feel weak for going back to him. Im not ready to let him go because again i truly do believe he is working towards getting and staying clean, he is lightyears beyond anyone I've known with this awful disease... including lightyears beyond where he has been. I know I am not capable of preventing a relapse, its something I am working on putting into action. but if/ when it does happen again, how do i know when its time to be supportive (and what 'supportive' looks like without being walked all over) and when its time to move on without him?

Again, any input is very much appreciated.


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