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 Post subject: on a side note
PostPosted: Mon Aug 10, 2009 5:11 am 
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i need to vent...

saw my doc at the detox facility the other day because i ran out of subox. he told me to take 2mg every morning for 10 days before seeing him again. the detox facility gives me a 6 day supply of 2mg subox's, not 10. so obviously when i run out, i call the doc's office and ask him if it's okay if i stop by and pick up a few samples to get me through till my appointment with him in 4 days. he says sure. i say sweet. get in my car, drive an hour to his office, wait 30 minutes to see him, finally spend a total of 3.5 minutes with him where i ask him about the samples. he comes back to the room with a small bottle with two 8mg pills, enough to get me through till i see him at my next appt. as i'm leaving, his secretary says, oh btw, would you like to pay for that with check or credit card. i was like, "excuse me! i drove an hour just to come here and pick up 2 tablets and the doc has the audacity to charge me for an office visit?" her response was the best, "oh but it's the weekend so it's a discounted price, only $150. no exam done, no questions asked, just 3.5 minute conversation on whether or not i could get a couple sample pills to hold me off until my next visit.

yea i know all the sayings, live and let live, let go and let god, etc etc. well here's my new one, i hate docs! sorry, i don't mean to boast, but i've provided anesthesia for numerous underserved pt's that couldn't afford procedures and i never expected or even accepted a dime.

-an opiate dependent and hopefully not one day benzo dependent MD who hates MD's that charge pt's for an office visit to pick up some samples, and even charge for the samples.

bless u all,
cheers.


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 10, 2009 11:13 am 
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tekno wrote:
Basically so when the song changes, both change at the same time so the timing is right and it sounds like one song.


ok, now this i think i get. makes sense, and showcases what kind of talent it actually takes to be a good spinner.

tekno wrote:
then I took ten as soon as I laid the last record down...


this is gonna sound horrible, but that last line is sexy as hell! ...as i laid the last record down...

i dunno, the imagery is just hot to me. maybe it's cuz one time i went on a quasi-date with this guy to a record shop. hearing all the lingo in the store, not knowing what any of it means, the smell of vinyl, the crazy-ass names of the songs and the artists...like stepping into an exciting new world that you know nothing about. i digress, lol.

but on the real, it is amazing when you rediscover the joy you used to have for things. i love, love, love picking up the fat-daddy digi and just clicking away, to see that i still got it. and it doesn't hurt when my fiance fawns all over the shots i make. :wink:


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 Post subject: Re: quick update
PostPosted: Mon Aug 10, 2009 11:33 am 
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hey doc. sounds like you managed to get yourself into a lil pickle there, huh?? i can see how it would happen, on account of you being a doc. yourself. i sure hope that you are able to get this all figured out. it sounds like you already know what needs to be done...gotta throw those k-pins down the toilet, and don't forget to flush. cuz it won't take long until the 3times a day isn't enough, so you'll double up, just to get the rush, then you'll run out real fast and start seeking out more rushes. i'm sure that isn't easy to hear. but at least think about it.


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 Post subject: Re: on a side note
PostPosted: Mon Aug 10, 2009 11:54 am 
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"An opiate dependent MD"

ouch, that burns! doesn't it just seem so flaw that when we're trying to do right we sometimes get treated so wrong?!? at the very least, they should have let you know before you got there that you would be expected to pay for an entire office visit as well as the pills. my whole dr. story is here, on the "damn doctor/damn pharmacist thread", "r.i.p. dr. c." if you're interested in reading it. i won't repeat all of that here, but just know that i know how you feel!!

please don't get discouraged! you've chosen the harder path. there are going to be roadblocks and obstacles on this path. they challenge us, they test us, they push us to our very limits. and when these challenges come up, we get to make a choice. do we want to keep on this path and overcome whatever is in our way?? or do we want to quit this hard way and go back to the easy way of getting high and getting by?? think of it like practice! cuz odds are that eventually we're going to face a GIANT test on our commitment to our sobriety. one day we'll probably not have the insurance of suboxone in us, it'll be the worst day, with every little thing going wrong, and boy would we love to have an escape, and then BAM! you come across some old stash of pills somewhere. like diary finding an old morphine pill behind the fridge, or me finding somas in my old camera bag... so anyway, consider these snafus as practice for the.big.one. kwim?


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 10, 2009 1:05 pm 
Hey there! Glad you found a new doc that you like so far! That was crap what the other guy did to you - charging for an office visit to pick up a couple of samples! Ridiculous!! That doc needs a better nurse! I worked for a large practice some years ago - as long as everything was cool on the patient's chart (a recent doctor visit/notes, etc), if a patient just called for samples to hold them till their next appt, I always put the samples in a brown paper bag, put the patient's name on it and left at it the front desk. No prob - nobody had to be bothered and no $$ had to change hands. What's the big deal? Maybe it being "controlled" meds, but I don't think that should make a diff. This is soooo bad - but way before my addiction kicked in, years ago there was a NeuroSpine practice in the office across the hall from mine and (no lie), they left a sample of Duragesic patches taped to their door for a patient to pick up after the office had closed early one afternoon! Ha! Can you imagine??!!
About the Klonopin. You know you don't really need it! My guess is that this new doctor, after seeing you and hearing all you're going through, got the impression that you needed some help with your anxiety for the short-term and not wanting you to relapse, felt it best to help you get your anxiety under control. Just a guess. Good for her for providing you with good care, I say. However - you said that you don't really think the anxiety is "that" bad, and because of the fact that you said it gives you kind of a good feeling, I must assume the anxiety isn't that bad. You know what I mean? To me, if a person truly suffers from an anxiety disorder, the meds just let them feel normal, functional, not "good". Benzos never really did it for me personally. Tried valium, xanax a time or two, just made me sleepy. But with all the garbage going on in my life right now, probably if I got ahold of it, I'd like it. So like you said - I don't need another addiction or something else to crave either!! i think you know what to do - stop taking it. Let your doctor know that you did start it, but realized that you really didn't need it and that you had concerns about liking it a little too much and therefore stopped it. No problem!
As far as you doing 8mg instead of 16 on your Suboxone - that sounds fine to me. I think I told you all before that my docs original instruction were for 24mg/day divided into three times/day doses. I never felt like I needed that much, so have taken as little as 8mg/day to as much as 16mg/day and have done really well with that. I'll see my doc again next week and tell him what I've been doing. I don't think he'll have a problem with it. It seems to me (and the doc basically said) that the goal it to find the dose that is enough to keep you from experiencing withdrawal symptoms and keep the cravings to a minimum. In other words, enough to keep us from feeling the need to relapse!! Know what I mean?
By the way - you mentioned the "crushing leg pain". That is my number one symptom - the first symptom to hit me and the worst one by far. I can't even describe it, it hurts so bad! I (almost) think I could deal with the rest, but that leg pain is just excruciating. I wonder why?
An update on the husband situation - I was thinking perhaps there should be another subject added to the forum called - "That damn Significant Other"! Our daughter (the only kid of three that still is young enough to live at home) was out of town all weekend so the husband and I had plenty of time to "duke it out". Anyway, without going into detail - it was really ugly. Lots of talking, yelling, tears, and hyperventilating! Ultimately, I think it was helpful. So hopefully things will start to get better in that department. Addiction just attacks every single aspect of our lives. I hate it so much. I so wish I could go back and change the past. But i can't. Like I told my husband - all I can do is ask for forgiveness, make better choices, and move forward. What i can't do is continue to be held in bondage for the past by myself, him or anyone else. We'll never get better if we can't free ourselves from the mountain of guilt and shame we feel. Don't you agree?
Have a great day everyone!


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 Post subject: MD!!
PostPosted: Tue Aug 11, 2009 5:14 am 
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MD,
Klon 3 x qd will turn into more more more. Think about this. You have the restraint to scale back your dose of suboxone, even though the 16mg a day could help with your stress. But you don't have the restraint to not take 1.5mg of klonopin qd. You are taking it as prescribed, for now.

You are doing so because you "like the feeling". If you were being your stubborn self you would have told yourself, "I am not going to take these damn benzo's unless I REALLY get stressed out." Either take them prn, or flush the damn things. You second guessed the suboxone dose, why the hell aren't you second guessing the klon script?

So to sum it up, you have restraint with the suboxone, no restraint with the benzo's. You came all this way NOT to pick up another damn addiction. I know people addicted to benzo's. It is just as bad a road as the pain killers. A good friend of mine's sister wrapped her car around a tree while on xanax. I was side swiped by a guy in highschool, he was high as shit on xanax. Obviously klonopin isn't as strong as xanax, but that is what you graduate to after the klonopin won't get you high anymore.

I am not trying to come across as rude, but I just don't want you to go backwards. I know your stressed, sad, etc about your actions and their consequences. Think of the crap that could happen to you after you either get hooked on benzo's, or you get high on benzo's and relapse on pain killers. Benzo's made a friend of mine relapse on cocaine, next thing he knew he was being shipped off to another rehab.


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 Post subject: To MD
PostPosted: Wed Aug 12, 2009 5:01 pm 
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Look, you are fully aware of what you may be doing to yourself, only YOU can stop it from happening. Klonopin was the cause of the only problem my husband and I have had in five years of being together. What it did to me physically was insane, and it scared him so much that he asked me if I needed to get help to stop using them because of what they did to me. I am still very embarrassed about the things I did, and I dumped the bottle in the toilet after his plea. No drug is worth me losing my husband or my mind.
I hope that you decide to get rid of them.

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 12, 2009 11:08 pm 
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I really appreciate all the feedback, it's what I needed. I noticed that 1.5mg qd wasn't really doing anything, and that "happy" feeling went away after the first dose. I'm not going to lie, I did experiment and I took 3 at a time, and half an hour later I passed out and woke up 5 hrs later. My conclusion, goodbye benzo's. The opiate addiction was the worst thing that ever happened to me, and I don't ever want me or anyone else for that matter to go through that again. I called my psychiatrist yesterday and told her that the little anxiety I do have is controlled with the Suboxone, and I don't feel right taking a benzo when I have such a strong opiate addiction. Surprisingly, she still tried to convince me to be on the klonopin, but just decrease the dose to 1mg qd. I told her that it had no effect on me and that I've made up my mind to stop taking them. She finally agreed with me, but she said to keep the bottle in case you need it. It's so funny how different the brains are of addicts and non-addicts. Watching those pills dissolve in the toilet wasn't the greatest of sights, but I know it was for the greater good, and the best damn thing I could have done to prevent further problems with my disease. Thanks guys for the input and advice. Honestly, I still would have been taking them if it weren't for the advice and experiences I read on this forum from all you. Be well.

MD


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2009 12:45 am 
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Doc,

Come to think of it, I've never heard anyone say

Opiate addiction is the best thing that ever happened to me!

haha.. :) a little humor for us junkies.

You're pretty smart about the benzos, but maybe keep them around when the anxiety gets bad. *edit* never mind, you flushed them! Well, in the future she'd probably be willing to give you a few if things get out of hand,.

Have you ever tried Atarax? (Hydroxyzine)? I'm sure you've heard of it. It can work for a short time, and its not habit forming, so I'm sure she'd be more than willing to give you a script for it. Hey why not its pretty safe stuff as far as I know.

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2009 1:07 am 
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As a former user (but not abuser) of Klonopin for anxiety - I was on it daily for years, then as needed for more years, and it's about the stupidest drug to be dependent on because it just makes you more anxious. I've taken it a few times the past 2 weeks since I jumped from Sub, but I won't take it for more than a few days in a row and not for more than a couple of weeks. That shit is so habit forming, even if you don't get a buzz from it.

Anyway, speaking as a person who had a crippling anxiety disorder - hyperventilating, heart pounding, sweating, freaking the fuck out kind of anxiety attacks on a regular basis for many years - I think the best thing anyone with anxiety issues can do is learn to manage anxiety without chemicals. I can not tell you how empowering it is to know that when I start to feel anxious, I know exactly what to do to get it under control and it doesn't involve taking a habit-forming pill. Better yet, I've learned that the "anxiety" is really just energy that can be harnessed and redirected in a positive way. AWESOME!

I know that I harp on this in like every single post I make, but meditation, it works people. It's free, it's good for you, it only takes 20 minutes a day and it will improve your life for reals. If you don't want to mediatate, just learn some progressive relaxation exercises or some deep breathing techniques - these are great ways to nip anxiety in its early stages.

Other things that help are exercise and cutting caffiene out of your life, and possibly therapy. I have friends that have used CBT with great results. I'm not a huge fan of it, but there are some good tools in CBT for dealing with uncomfortable feelings.

**I am not saying that every person with an anxiety disorder shoud get off their meds. I am aware that this is sometimes not possible for whatever reason. It was only with the help of meds that I was able to develop the skills I needed to get off the meds. I'm just saying that if you have mild anxiety, benzos should be about the last choice for treating it. That's all.

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2009 1:22 am 
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Diary,

I have had SEVERE SEVERE anxiety in my life. Let me try to describe it. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I have a severe panic attack without any real reason (no phobia). I try to go on.. That night, I have another one.

I then become afraid to sleep in my bed, because I associate it with the panic attack. Then about 8 hours later, I have another one.

Then I wonder "whats wrong with me? Do I have a tumor? Did I have a stroke?".. Then they keep coming and coming.

Eventually, I enter a constant state of severe anxiety.. I sleep very little, and I stop eating. I get afraid to leave the house.

Usually by that time, I seek out a psychiatrist, and I'm on the waiting list.

THen about 3-4 weeks later, POOF.. it just disappears, completely. Panic attacks stop and I just go on with life. I cancel my psych appointment because it went away.

This happens about once every 2-3 years.

When I was 17, I had it so severe I dropped to 97 pounds! I started to have 'delusions', or 'obsessions'. (Weird crap, like I'd drive home then I'd think I might have hit someone, then I'd start to freak out about it).

I never had hallucinations though, just weird thoughts.. and bad bad bad depersonalization and derealization.

I've tried everything. Imipramine, Pamelor, Elavil, Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Serzone... you name it..
Benzos in my life, I was on xanax, ativan, valium, librium. I never took them long term, I was always real careful with them. My mom was hooked on xanax and I saw what she went through when she'd get her dose reduced.

I was even put on Mellaril (like thorazine) because ... well I have no clue, I was 16.

I was hospitalized at 17.. I was put on some clinical dose of Imipramine... I lost my BP.. They could not record it at all.. they had to stop it, and it actually made me really depressed.

About 6 months after the hospital, it came back.. I went to the ER and begged my doctor to put me back in. He sent me home with 30 xanax, 0.5mg 3x/day. I took them for a week, and I was completely normal, even after I stopped them. I sort of 'derailed' and that fixed me up.

I did the xanax thing about 10 times in my life. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't.

I'd rather have 100 oxycodone withdrawals than one day of those panic attacks like they were. I can't even describe how bad they were. I guess I'm just fucked up!

I've been diagnosed with lots of things too.. PTSD, obsessive, dysthmia, major depression, etc.

As I got older, I learned to somehow control it.. I figured out that if it started, I could evaluate things and not let it get the best of me.

One problem though is that my anxiety always seems to manifest itself in a new clever way, so when ti happens, I just can't say to myself 'oh, its just a panic attack'. I can't explain what I mean, but sometimes physical things seem to bring it on (pain, health issues, etc).

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 Post subject: Setmefree
PostPosted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 1:23 am 
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"my career of 18 years has been in Nursing. Because of my addiction, I have found myself in the horrible situation of either staying on Suboxone long-term and pursuing another line of work, or discontinuing it more quickly and working on getting my license back and getting back to work as an RN".


setmefree, are you saying if you stay on suboxone you would not be able to get your nursing license back? I'm looking to go to nursing school in New Jersey but I don't thing my suboxone use will be an issue. I have many drug arrest and prison time but, since it has been over ten years since my last drug arrest and I completed a drug program there is no issue to get licensed although there will be random drug test etc.


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