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 Post subject: New Comer...
PostPosted: Sat Nov 07, 2009 1:15 pm 
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Hello all...I am so thankful to have found this forum!!!

I began using oxy approx 2.5 years ago when my husband and mother in law both hurt their backs so it was readily available all the time. I was going through alot at the time. I was about 7mos post partum and was having all these strange symptoms like a super slow heart, so slow that I couldnt even hear it with my stethescope, numbness and timgling throughout my body, vision problems, insomnia, panic attacks, memory problems, and too many more to remember. I went from doc to doc and was glued to the computer for about 2 years trying to figure it all out. I was terrified that my child would have to grow up without a mom. So I started having bone pain so I tried a percocet and suddenly all of my problems dissappeared. Surprise, surprise.

So here I am today. About 2.5 mos ago I found out I was pregnant, and flipped out bc we are having all kinds of problems financially from buying oxy's, marital problems that we have never had before, and I am still suffering from extreme clinical depression and panic attacks worse than ever. I checked myself into the maternity wing at the hospital for a medical detox and they were supposed to get me into the methadone clinic but they screwed up my meds and put me back on clonazepam instead of clonidine so it set me back ALOT bc you wont be accepted at the methadone clinic if you test positive for benzo's. They didnt even know they had made the mistake and came into my room accusing me of having clonazepam stashed in my bag. I was also told that if I detoxed and went through withdrawl I would miscarry but at that point I didnt care, put the pregnancy in God's hands, and left against medical orders. The day after I got out, my husband brought 180 perc 10's into the house and I relapsed. I then went to my psychiatrist who was furious with the hospital and decided to put me on subutex. Its been 9 days, and it hasnt been easy but I have somehow managed. My mother in law also gave us 13,000 dollars which has not made it easy to not go and buy opiates which are soooo ready available on my street.

Even on subutex, I cant help but have thoughts like, "If I just stop this drug a few days, I can use opiates one last time..."!!!
Has anyone else felt like that and does it go away? Its been suh a battle bc my husband is addicted as well and is suffering from depression for the first time in his life and it seems to worse than mine so I have to hang tough for both of us. I am at a loss but I just keep on trudging along. I was using anywhere from 15-25 oxy 30 mg's a day. Right before going into the hospital, I took about 90 on 2 and a half days. I guess im luck to be alive if nothing else, so thats one thing to be thankful for. Not that im not thankful for my 9 days of sobriety (or is it really sobriety since im on subutex??).

Well, its nice to meet you all, and I hope to get to know all of you better!


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 07, 2009 8:26 pm 
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First of all Student welcome to Suboxforum, we're very happy to have you with us. I wanted to take a minute or two to explain some of my experiences with opiate addiction in the hopes that you can can take away something. I've always been an extremely anxious person, to the point that most of my life I've intentionally avoided social functions out of fear of having panic attacks and then quickly became very depressed as I literally had no social life. Fear controlled literally everything I did opiates changed all of that....only for a short time though. I quickly built up a tolerance, had to start stealing to support my habit, tried to quit and well we all know how that story goes. After several times of trying to quit on my own unsuccessfully I checked into an inpatient treatment center and tried to stay clean using a 12-step program. I managed to make it 4 months without using but I was literally losing my mind. I wasn't sleeping I constantly thought about using, I avoided all social contact other than meetings (which were also very difficult but that's how badly I wanted to stop using). Finall after talking to a friend who had recently started Suboxone I decided anything had to be better than the hell I was going through. It will be 3 years since the last time I used on the 21'st. Suboxone has helped me in so many ways but I had to want to stay clean and change my life. Many things changed simply because I wasn't having to steal, lie, and spend all my time trying to get drugs but other changes I had to work on myself. I had to cut off all contact with people who I had used with that were still using. I had to make sure that I was NEVER in a situation where I was around opiates. Even if that meant I had to cutoff contact with family members or friends or significant others that were using or had opiates anywhere near them. That's how seriously I had to take getting, and staying clean. I realized that while Suboxone curbed a great deal of my cravings I had to use my brain and not ever inentionally go around places I knew others were using.

For sometime changes I had to make were relatively painful but since then I've started to rebuild a productive and meaningful life. I've started to learn healthy ways to deal with my anxiety and depression (through a Dr. and not using any addictive medications). The thing I've learned is that while Suboxone has been a great help I still had to do alot of things myself to stay clean. After sometime not using and not being around ANY opiates or people using opiates I was able to literally start going days without even so much as thinking about getting high. I've also learned that for myself there is NEVER "just one more time". Everytime that I started using again I convinced myself that it would be just one more time, that I'd just take a few, that I'd try a different kind of opiate, etc etc the list goes on and on because I know I'm an opiate addict and when it comes to opiates I am completely unable to think logically.

Anywho I wish you alot of luck and I look forward to hearing from you and please keep us in the loop on how you're doing. If you need help with anything you're welcome to send me a private message and I'm sure that the other moderators here are more than willing to help you as well.

Take care,
Matt

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"If you're going through hell, ....keep going!"
-Winston Churchill


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 4:27 am 
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~Matt~
Thanks for the long and speedy reply. I absolutely love it when someone actually takes the time to read a post and reply to it so sufficiently. I know now that there can never be "Just one more time" for me with opiates. The urges I get only last a couple of minutes, and with the subutex I am able to push those feelings out of my mind pretty quickly. My psych doctor told me that maybe I should have a therapeitic separation from my husband. He totally flipped when he heard this but he is constantly bringing me down in one way or another. When we fight about it, he brings up negative things that I have done/said to him in the past due to my addiction and I dont even know what to say. Hes going to see my psych doctor in a week or so, and I hope he puts my husband on suboxone for his addiction/back pain. The problem is that he goes back and forth on what he wants to do about his back pain. He doesnt understand that I cannot have opiates anywhere near me...especially in my own house. He keeps them hidden or locked up but it doesnt matter to me bc I stilll crave just knowing they are there somewhere. He said I need to get to the point where they are in my face and I just decide not to pick them up. I agree to some extent, but that is going to take a long time. Right now the wounds are still too fresh. I would think that he would understand that, but bc he is an addict, I have to recognize when he is making excuses bc he WANTS to continue to use. What opiate adddict doesnt love their drugs? And when they have issues with back pain, they always have an excuse to throw at you when they continue to use.

Anyway, like I said before, thanks alot for your response. I will def keep everyone updated on my feelings and progress and will try my damndest to be there for other people a well.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 09, 2009 1:34 pm 
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Joined: Thu Oct 22, 2009 1:55 pm
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Hello StudentRN,

Welcome to the site. All of our stories have the common thread of addiction so please don't think some addicts are better than others. Don't know if that came out right but I always thought I was the worse of the worst by comparing myself to others and always lost that fight. Sounds like you're going through a lot and hope you can hang on to what Suboxone can give you. I think about using all the time, just haven't acted on it. Again, welcome.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 09, 2009 2:37 pm 
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Hi StudentRN - I've seen you around the forum and I appreciate the imput you've given in your replies to people. Thanks for sharing your story as well.

I'm sorry that your husband isn't able to be more supportive of you at this time. I know how hard that is because my partner was still using when I got on suboxone, and there were pills in the house all the time. I was lucky I guess because the Sub really kept my cravings at bay, and knowing that I wouldn't get high even if I tried helped too.

I found that reading some of naranon's literature was helpful for me, since I was not only recovering from my own addiction but was also dealing with my partner using and his depression as well. There's lots of good info there about setting boundaries and whatnot. It helped me put the focus back on myself.

You also wondered about being on Subutex and if that means that you are "sober." I just like to think of myself as "in recovery" rather than as clean or sober or whatever. A large part of my life is focused around learning to live a good, meaningful life and to cope with whatever comes my way without abusing chemicals or any other coping mechanism. You can be drug-free but still not face up to your problems, you know? The recovery part is what's important to me - learning how to really live.

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 09, 2009 6:40 pm 
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Greetings! Always nice to have a new person, with a new story, and new input. Are you taking your subutex as directed by your doctor? If yes then you are sober. I count the day before I started bupe as my sobriety day, since I didn't use that day. And I understand how you feel about cravings, i still get them, especially when I know there around. And yes, I think of stopping bupe, for a few days to use, just one time. What I do then, take my pills. Then I keep busy, go on this site, walk the dog, shop....anything but sit there. I can't tell you that the cravings go away, but they do get easier to deal with. Like I always say, hang in there and take life as it comes. And it's nice to have you...anything you need post or PM me.

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JayJay Sober Since July 9th, 2008


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Nov 09, 2009 9:35 pm 
Hi Student! Welcome to the forum. As you can see, this is a good place to come every day for support.
Congratulations on your pregnancy and on beginning your recovery from the horrible rollercoaster ride of opiate addiction!
You have a lot at stake here. First and foremost is your life and the life of your unborn baby. You also have another child to think of. It sounds like your marriage is on the line as well. I don't know how far you are in your nursing program, but I can tell you as a former RN of many years that if you don't get this addiction into remission you'll lose your career as a nurse as well.
I truly believe that as healthcare professionals, wives and mothers, we put our needs behind everyone else's and it can cost us dearly. This is the one time in your life that you absolutely must be selfish! Give yourself time to get stabilized on Suboxone and you will find that you feel better and more like yourself every day. The cravings will gradually fade and until then the fact that Sub will block it even if you 'try' to get high, serves as a good deterrant to using. For me, it took several weeks before the cravings stopped consuming a portion of each day.
As for the husband - he's in his own hell and until he decides he wants out, there's not much you can do. What you can do is show him how much better your life becomes as you continue on Sub and get further into your recovery. It will not be easy, but you've got to detach as much as you can. That doesn't mean you need to leave - only you know that. Just avoid getting into heated arguments with him and show him by example that life can get better. He needs help and I hope he will get it. But you're right, for those who want excuses to use, there will always be one.
Hang in there and keep us up to date on how you're doing.


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