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PostPosted: Fri May 27, 2011 7:10 am 
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Joined: Fri May 27, 2011 6:01 am
Posts: 2
Location: East texas Hell but my heart is in Louisiana!
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Okay, Here Goes.
I am a 29 year old female. I have been using opiates/opioids for 11 years, although have only been addicted/using on a need-to basis for 8 years, and of those years 5 were Methadone and the last two have been suboxone, last 3 months were subutex.
But I have done it all nearly as far as pharma-opioids go.

I also have a whole slew of mental-health problems. AHEM: Major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder with social phobia, panic and agorophobia, and Borderline PD with Schyzotypal traits. (Naturally polysubstance dependance also. And Naturally I strongly disagree with the borderline diagnosis. that's the psychologist trying to blackball me.)

Never been hospitalized for any health problem, mental or physical. But my mental issues in conjunction with addiction have totally SCREWED my mind, and my life, but I am taking it BACK.

I don't have much personal shame regarding any of this. However I DO recognize the fact that society as well as employers look down on anyone who needs any psychoactive chemical to get by, whether it's prozac or suboxone. I am not defective, I am just really, really different. I am cool with that, but few outside my very tight knit group of friends (which functions as family, because everybody in my family is dead, or hates my guts, but mostly dead, like my mom, and that whole side of the fam)

I want to be a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist. I have just finished my first year of school. I was taking a) suboxone/subutex 8-16 mg daily and b) .5 mg clonazepam twice daily, the WHOLE time. All except a brief hiatus between June 2005 and something-2007. I had a son, in 2006. I had quit methadone. Completely. But, the protracted withdrawal, and General Craziness led to me pretty much being really, really drunk, until I realized I was pregnant in Dec 2005. I Quit drinking, cold turkey, the minute I saw that pink line. I raised my son, with the help of his father, who I was not even close to ( I was really, really promiscuous) and was a total selfish unempathetic jerk. I was fine until I became pregnant again in 2007 and had a late miscarriage, 6 months later. I got back on the stuff after I got a bunch of morphine in the emergency room. I was like "AH HA! there it IS, I AM NORMAL AGAIN!". I got back on, methadone, illicitly, but controlled, 5mg a day, until 2009, when I began suboxone, illicitly. The only legal suboxone I had was, ironically, the worst experience, and the most expensive. I went to the methadone clinic and got on subutex, actually. It was so expensive. 100 bucks a week. 400 a month. And thats with me paying my husband's methadone bill. He had been on methadone for decades, almost. (about methadone: never ever ever get on it. I promise, it is a prison nobody should be in). But this past year, I have done well, exceot for my son living solely with his dad, while I get my head straight..or in other words, indefinately.

I have a 3.65 GPA. when I was 18 and first went to college, I dropped out.. Five times. Between 2003 and last year, I struggled with my mental illness and addiction, as well as alcoholism (very serious alcoholism). When I was a kid, I was raped, I watched my mom die of when I was 11. I watched my grandma die the year after of cancer, and had to care for both her and my grandfather, while sipping her morphine syrup, daily...very poor choice)...I llived in an orphanage for years, while I was there I was kept sedated with risperdal, when I was way too young to take it and was not diagnosed with bipolar disorder or psychosis,, or anything.

Sorry if this doesnt make sense. I have been in and out of buprenorphine withdrawal, since may 11. It was my last day of school and I was coasting on my last tiny 1 mg of sub. the clinic was so freaking expensive. I felt like I was being financially raped, and taken advantage of. The people there were unprofessional, disorganized and I think they were eating the pills themselves, because they could not keep anything straight. Anyway, I stopped going, because I thought I would kick.

Wrong. I tried for a week, but I am so freaking mental, I have lased out, broken things, hurt myself. I have realized that my brain has been on opioids my whole adult life, just about. I want to live a happy, productive life, ON maintainance.

My only problem is..well there are two. HOW to get back on, financially and WHAT do I do to keep my subutex use confidential, because I wish to be a doctor myself, It must be possible, because I would be prescribed, and that info is legally confidential as far as I know.

Am I correct about the confidentiality. If anybody is in a decent career, and has been able to protect their medical info, please let me know. I don't want the fact that I will be on suboxone to prevent me from living my life the way I must.

If I cannot afford to get back on, then I am looking at who-knows-how-much withdrawals, and I begin class at my transfer university, in late august. This is only if there is financial necessity. How long am I looking at, if this comes to be? Will I make it through, by then? I am terrified.

Thank you!

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