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PostPosted: Fri May 27, 2011 1:05 am 
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Joined: Thu May 26, 2011 10:55 pm
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Hello Everyone

I am 27 years old, and I am so lost...
I don't really know where to begin or how so I guess I'll start with the person I used to be. Growing up I was a fairly normal child, aside from my parents divorce at the age of 10 and alot of moving around (state hopping as I called it) I'd have to say the hardest thing I went through in my earliest years was dealing with minor weight issues. But I was a very active child.. I was taking dance lessons, on the volleyball, basketball team and did cheerleading (as well as other activities like drama, chorus, and creative writing). Then when I was 15 my Mom, whom I always looked at as the epitome of womanly strength, starting dating this horrible man and a couple months later married him basically because my father was remarrying too and she was heartbroken about it. I know.. you might be thinking that's just my opinion, but no she admitted it. Anyways.. the man she married was very mentally, and emotionally abusive to me. He was kind of a jerk to my older brother at times, but they were "buddies". It wasn't long before I stopped doing alot of the things I once loved to do... because I was constantly annoying and bugging him. There was even a time when I was on the computer doing homework and the sound of the keyboard annoyed him so much he threw the remote control at the wall right by my head. Well my point is I started becoming closed off and timid because of it.. which was the start of this whole thing. I started gaining weight... instead of being 30 pounds overweight I was 75. (over the following years I actually gained alot more and weigh over 300 pounds right now)
After I graduated high school I stayed living at home (although I planned to move to another state, live with my cousin and work until I could afford school), but my Mom who has battled multiple illnesses all her life suffered a mini-stroke and her Crohn's disease became increasingly worse. So I stayed at home and worked to help out. Two years after I graduated I saved up enough money to go to a community college that was close enough by that I could get some independence by dorming there but still drive home for the weekends and be there for my Mom. But just a week after I went I came home for the weekend and my stepfather got angry at me about something and a huge fight ensued that included him grabbing my wrist and slamming me against the wall. My Mom flipped out and the result was that he kick all of us out ( me my Mom and my brother). Because I was dorming I had a place to go, but my Mom had to go 3 states away to live with her sister, and my brother had to move across the country to live with our father. And to make things worse my best friend ended up moving 1500 miles away that same week. Then 2 months later my roommate invited her boyfriend and a couple of friends to our dorm for the weekend. I was against it, because I didn't really feel comfortable around guys, I was so shy but I somehow let my roommate talk me into it. I won't get into the details but I was drugged and raped by one of them when my roommate left me alone with him. I know it was the stupidest thing I could do but I was so scared and ashamed I didn't tell anyone. I think one of the main reasons I never even told my family or friends is because I no longer had anyone I could go to and talk, unless I called them but I couldn't bring myself to talk about it, especially over the phone.
I went into a deep depression after that and barley making it through the entire year of college I decided I couldn't go back. So instead I got my LNA license and began working as a nurse's assistant. But a year after I was working in the Dementia unit of a nursing home, and one of the patients thought I was an enemy soldier and attacked me. He might have been old, but he was still able to hurt me pretty badly. On top of other injuries I fractured one of the vertebrae in my lower back.. and so began my battle with pain meds. BTW.. sorry for taking so long to get to this part.
First let me say, before hurting my back I used to be so anti-drugs I used to refuse to take tylenol unless I absolutely needed it. So when I hurt my back and needed to take pain meds I was not happy at first, but they were the only thing that helped me get through the day, and then it wasn't long before I realized I was no longer just taking them for my back, but also to deal with emotional issues.
I also suffered alot of mental issues since.. I became agoraphobic, which alot of people believe to mean I'm afraid to leave the house, but really agoraphobia is the fear of having a panic attack in public. So I really can't go to places that are crowded without having an anxiety attack. I also have severe depression, and PTSD from the rape. I have been addicted to pain medicine for 6 years now. Once I stopped getting prescribed them because I lost my insurance once my job realized I wouldn't be able to go back to work there within the time frame they saw fair, my Mom (who was prescribed oxycontin 80 mg once a day, 60 mg's twice a day, and oxycodone 5 mg's for breakthrough pain) was giving me medicine from hers thinking she was helping me. And her "helping me" lasted for 2 years and during that time I was taking up to 80 mgs of either oxycontin or oxycodone a day. But I knew it was wrong to take my Mom's pills so I gradually started taking less and less of hers. But I had to find another way to get them so with money I make (I work online from home) aside from giving my Mom 200 dollars a month I would spend the rest on pills. And when I didn't have enough money to pay that much for pills (I was paying close to 300 dollars a week) I would go to the local ER for a script of a handful of whatever they would give me (Percocet, although rarely, vicodin, or even ultram) just to not have to go through withdrawals and be in such pain.
I've been wanting to get off of these for so long, and even tried going cold turkey a bunch of times, but the withdrawals and pain is so bad I feel like I'm dying.
Then today a friend of mine gave me a couple of suboxone, and after taking half of an 8mg tablet and realizing it helped so much, I started to think maybe, just maybe this is what I have been needing. So I hopped on my laptop and started doing some researched... and quickly became discouraged. Having no insurance, and almost no money (I just found out the other day that the job I've been doing online won't be there anymore after next week) there's no way I can afford the prescription of 240 dollars. I can't ask my Mom to help pay because she's disabled and has a fixed income, and everyone else I know is flat broke. And also.. I've been reading what people have been saying about suboxone.. and everywhere I see that people have been on it for months, even years. I was wondering if someone could tell me, is there anyway to use suboxone for just a short period of time, and then be able to be off of drugs completely without feeling the inevitable side effects?
I really need to get off of opiates, I feel like my life is going nowhere, or I have no life. I feel worthless and pathetic, and ashamed, so very ashamed for letting myself get to this point. I just want to wake up in the morning and not have the first thought go through my mind be about taking a pill, or about how awful I feel.

 Post subject: I Know your pain
PostPosted: Fri May 27, 2011 6:23 am 
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Joined: Fri May 27, 2011 6:01 am
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Location: East texas Hell but my heart is in Louisiana!
Hello, This is actually MY first post here, I read yours and really empathize with you. I have many of the same mental illnesses you have, and some different. I have been depressed since birth, and anxious as well. I have self-medicated with these types of Medications as well. Also I have some very similar life experiences, and am 29.
I see you have been taking opiates/opioids for six years. That, in addition to the fact that you have some underlying mental health issues is going to make withdrawals very, very hard, if you choose to, or have to (due to finances, believe me i have been there) stop taking the meds. If you have not dealt with your anxiety and depression, I would reccommend getting any kind of prefessional help available for that, whether it's a state mental health professional or whatever. Also I hope you can feel less guilty about you addiction. It is a disease, like depression, and just because you have it, that has no bearing whatsoever on your worth as a human being, or your intelligence, on anything. I am in college studying to become a psychologist or psychiatrist. Having dealt with addiction gives a person a special perspective on the problem, and a chance to help others. Therefore I am not ashamed, but I used to be. I cannlt tell you what to do because I am unsure about what to do about my own problem. But I can say, a) It will be a very big help if you can alleviate you mental symptoms and, b)Despite you problems, try not to feel ashamed. I know it is difficult. I hope you find what you need.

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