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 Post subject: New to all this
PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 12:45 am 
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Hey everybody!

I am very new to this whole forum thing so please bear with me. I don't really know why I am here, I know what brought me here but I have never been the type to want to share my story with perfect strangers...until now. I am a young, bubbly 25 year old woman with problems way beyond my years! I have gotten myself so deep in this whole world of addictions that I don't even know who the real me is anymore, I don't know what it feels like to be "normal" nor do I remember what being sober feels like.
I can say that I always have had problems...real emotional, psychological problems way too deep and profound to get into now but lets just say I have always been a little nutty and basically always been addicted to drugs. I have used just about every drug there is to use and have abused just about every drug there is to use with little or no feelings of guilt or shame. I have always been able to maintain my looks, my composure (well not always) and I have been very good at hiding things from the people that love and care about me and the people I hold dearest to my heart...my family. I really started abusing drugs in high school and still remember the first time I layed eyes on the first pill I ever took - and put up my nose and got high from...everything like it was yesterday! I can honestly say that I have had problems with any substance I ever took whether it be alcohol, marijuana, cocaine...anything and everything!
My first try at opiates happened by chance...there was this kind of shady kid who always had access to drugs (so I befriended him of course) but was the type no one really trusted so no one really wanted what he had..except for my best friend and myself. He showed up one day at my work with these pills he said I HAD to try and that they were amazing! At first I was skeptical but who was I to say no to drugs...especially "amazing pills." (Just a sidenote I am from a really small town where drug use is rampant but very well hidden). The kid wanted some crazy $ amount for them and I basically told him to F off but he was persistent.....at the time I had no idea about opiates or anything about oxycontin for that matter...thats what they were 20 mg Oxy's that he couldn't get rid of to save his life because no one trusted him or were willing to pay what he wanted...so I took them all and alls I had to pay was $2 a pill! Can you imagine that now? So basically I got HOOKED almost, actually immediately hooked on the damn things and was eating and snorting I don't even know how many a day...literally at only $2 a pill I was popping them like tic tacs. I went through a crazy bout of doing them and eventually my luck ran out, he couldn't keep getting them and I went through the craziest withdrawals of my life but got off them cold turkey...that was about 8 or 9 years ago fast forward to today...
So just about over 3 years ago I met the love of my life...my fiance Steve. He was and is everything I could hope and want in a person except one terrible coincidence and that is that he too is a drug addict. He has been an opiate addict for over 19 years now and uses some form of opiates (amongst other drugs) daily without fail. This is about where I am at now in my life....in love with a person as equally f'ed up as me and completely helpless to fight it. I have been taking some form of opiates since I think the second week I met him...everyday along side him. It started off with pain pills because lord knows I had missed them and then I started questioning him on what liquid he would constantly drink out of little nip bottles (knowing it wasn't booze because he hardly drank or can hold his liquor whereas I on the other hand had turned into a complete and utter alcoholic bartender loser) Well needless to say I found out what was in the little bottles...it was methadone and after one rough night of using coke and drinking I had to go into my job at the time which was bartending and knew I wouldn't make it through the day...thats when he gave me a couple swigs of the methadone....and here I am today addicted to methadone and pain pills for over three years. If we aren't using the one its the other or if we are trying to get off the one we start using the other....its been a vicious cycle that has honestly left me drained and feeling out of control. I have bipolar disorder so the ups and downs that come along with drug addiction don't serve me well...
OK so where am I today (if you actually have read all this thus far THANK YOU SO MUCH :)
I decided the other day, last week actually that enoughs enough I can't do this to myself, my body or my brain any longer! I called and made an appointment with a opiate addiction specialist (I think thats what he is called) I literally found his name on the internet somehow and called him and got him directly on the phone. He was/is amazing! He talked on the phone with me for about 45 minutes about what my different options were and where my life was heading and what I should do basically.
I saw him Tuesday (March 2nd) for about 2 1/2 hours and I am one week into my treatment. It has been really tough! I have had the hardest time with the physical pain, emotional feelings and mental breakdown that going through the withdrawals does to you. I didn't find it as easy as some people have noted that it was/is...not to break anyones heart or discourage anyone...its just still hard no matter what especially when I have the drug in my home at my reach at any time day or night. All I would have to do is ask nicely and I know Steve would everntually give in and feel bad. (the problem with 2 addicts living together) As my doctor did say though is that he will come when he is ready and hopefully seeing my (hopefull) success will persuade him to seek help also.
OK I can't type anymore but I must say it feels real good to get my little story off my chest....even my best friends dont know the extent of my drug use or the fact that I am in treatment for opiate depedency.
Any kind words/advice would be most appreciated and if you actually took the time to read this whole post THANK YOU! Please help me along my journey to getting my life back because lord knows i need all the help I can get! Even if it is just to share your story with me I would love to hear of others who have saved their lives by seeking treatment and been successfull...as well as those who have not.
I am always here for anyone who needs a lending hand also :)
Thank you guys


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 1:37 am 
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Welcome to the forum and thank you so much for sharing your story. It is never the easiest thing to do! I have been on the forum for a few months and have yet to share my 'full' story (I am SURE there is more to your story, but you know what I mean!)

My first question for you is when you said you are in treatment with an opiate addiction specialist, what do you mean by that? Are you in treatment just getting therapy and/or meetings? Are you in a Suboxone program and/or in therapy (meetings, group, Dr., etc). Unless I completely blanked out I don't remember you stating if you are actually on Suboxone. Before I continue, I am NOT an expert or doctor, just another person who has changed their life for the better with Suboxone and by pursuing an active recovery.

From the sounds of it, you and 'Steve' are battling the addiction to opiates just like the rest of us. I think instead of trying to bounce around from methadone to other full opiate agonists, why not give Suboxone a try (if you are already, awesome!!! lets get your fiance in now....if you aren't, then maybe the both of you might want to give it a try...)? Without going into detail, I am an opiate addict with chronic pain. I have several herniated disks and 'sciatica' pain in my back and left leg. I run my own business doing 'hard labor'. My pain doctor wanted me to get surgery, but either way said I will be taking one or more than one form of an opiate/opioid for the rest of my life (he said 99% chance) for pain control. I can tell you that Suboxone may not be the very best for pain control, but it sure is better than nothing. I will also say that I am sure Suboxone is not the best for pain relief compared to other full opiate agonists, but it works wonders to control opiate addiction in conjunction with support groups and etc., for me anyways. I rather be living my life as I am now, than how I was when I was using other pills n stuff, anyday. So what I am trying to say is, ok maybe I can be pain free on some other med, but I would still be acting in an addictive mannor. Now, still with chronic pain, I can manage that pain the best I can, but just as importantly, I can control my addiction with the help of Suboxone and support. Ok, off topic, sorry!...

You guys can get the support you need, take your Suboxone in the morning (or whenever) and live your life. You will not need to obsess (sp?) about getting pills, or methadone, or dope, or whatever. You shouldn't have ANY w/d if it is taken properly. You can eliminate the addictive behavior of taking pills/methadone/whatever when you feel bad, and just start your day and live it. That is the beauty of it. With support, and I can't say that enough, you can totally change both of your lives for the better. You can look towards the future, and not as in looking for pills, but look towards the future of what you (the both of you) really want to do. I am just about 27, you are young too. We are so lucky to have Suboxone available to assist in recovery. I know a few people who I was friends with that could still be alive or not in prison if they had tried Suboxone. My only regret is not trying it sooner! I know there are some websites out there that totally bash Suboxone, but for the most part they are completely misinformed.

I really hope that you and your fiance, Steve, can make the right decision, whatever that may be, and move foward towards your active recovery, not active addiction. I really have so much more to say but do not have the time at the moment. I hope that you find support on this wonderful forum that has helped so many others, just as Suboxone has helped so many others. Please, don't be afraid to ask for anything here, we are all here to help!!! Take care and good luck! I have included a few links that you can look into.....


Suboxone Talk Zone, Blog by Dr. Junig, creator of this site.


NAABT.ORG, a GREAT place for reliable info


Suboxone.com, the creator of Suboxone's site, some good resources


Suboxone-Directory.com, a doctor-patient matching site


NIDA, National Institute for Drug Abuse site

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"The past is finished. There is nothing to be gained by going over it. Whatever it gave us in the experiences it brought us was something we had to know."----Rebecca Beard

"Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it." ---Salvador Dali


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 Post subject: Thank You!
PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 2:31 am 
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THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR HEARTFELT AND WONDERFUL REPLY!... I didn’t think anyone would even respond. I should’ve been clearer (but I hadn’t taken my nightly dose and was feeling real crappy) I have now been on suboxone for 6 days and go see my Doctor again tomorrow for a follow up. I am still having a bit of a tough time dealing with the leg pain…I swear I feel like I walked 20 miles today!
Thought I should also let you know that Steve has also in the past gone on suboxone but only lasted a couple of months before he relapsed in a bad way! One thing I can say that’s a good thing we both neither touch or have ever touched heroin….I probably shoulda mentioned that. I guess that’s a lie I did try it once at a party when I was way younger and completely wasted thinking it was cocaine (in my drunken state) tried it but never remembered really even doing it because I was so intoxicated. Anyways my younger years aren ’t anything I care to brag about..what a mess I was.
So it is 1 in the morning and I am still up and the thought of laying in bed is making me panic so I know I need my medication…goodnight and thank you all.


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 Post subject: In Treatment??
PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 8:49 am 
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Hi Tarynw135,
I would also like to welcome you to the forum! I hope you find it as usefull as I did when I first got here... There are a lot of stories out here I'm sure you will find someone who has a simalar story as you! I am curious as to what your "Treatment" is now? Are you on Suboxone or other meds.?
I'm sure you have heard this before BUT, Here goes again... Its not going to be easy for you to get and Stay Clean with someone so close to you still actively using!!!! I would make sure my therapist new about that relationship... But that is for someone a whole lot smater than me to tell you!!
I wish you and your significant other the best of luck in your Recovery..... Please keep us posted on your success. You are off to a great start by using this Forum... There are alot of very caring people out here that have been thru this stuff before and the Dr. that started this Forum is also in Recovery so he knows of what we speak!!!! Anyways welcome, take care and stay strong!

God Bless
TW


Last edited by TWINPLY on Tue Mar 09, 2010 11:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 9:28 am 
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Well I am glad you found us and am glad you are headed back to the doctor because I am pretty sure your dose isn't high enough. In fact, if you are having leg pain AND cravings it sounds I definitely think your dose is too low. How many miligrams did they giv eyou?

I wasn't uncomfortable at all when i got on it.

You write very well by the way. Your story was an enjoyable read except for the fact you are suffering. I hope things get better for you and that you keep us posted on how you are doing. I find it helps to have this place to come back to and I will actually share something which is NOT the case about being in person with others. Too awkward.

Let us know how things go with the doctor. You don't have to suffer. No reason for that.

Cherie


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 10:46 am 
Taryn - Hi and welcome. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Wow! You are so young and have been through so much. You must be made of some strong stuff! And judging just by your ability to communicate through your writing, I bet you're pretty intelligent! It sounds like you're a very loving person as well. You have such possibilities for your future! Possibilities that you will never know if you don't continue your pursuit of sobriety. Congrats for taking those first difficult steps!
I agree with the others....your dose may not be quite enough at this time. It sounds like you had a pretty big habit and your tolerance is likely horrendously high. I'm curious how much Sub your doctor started you on. Another thing you mentioned that was interesting to me was your terrible leg pain. That was by far, my worst withdrawal symptom. It doesn't seem like all that many people talk about that one in particular. It was excruciating to me. I had restless legs too, especially at night. But the pain....oh the pain....I swear it felt like my bones were full of hot coals! I feel for you honey! Here's the thing though.....Subooxone took care of that pain for me. I feel like it should be taking care of it for you too. I know everyone is different and I've heard of a few people having a more difficult transition onto Sub, but for most of us, it's almost instant relief once we get started on the medication. You mentioned Methadone being one of your drugs of choice. I'm thinking that may be part of the problem. I'm pretty sure it's a lot harder to transition to bupe if you've been on Methadone. I recall others here on the forum talking about the difficult time they had with it. So perhaps that is why you're not feeling so good quite yet.
Anyway, just keep talking with your doctor about how you are feeling and keep working toward getting stable on Sub. I believe it will happen if you don't give up. Especially with your history you are going to require more help than just the Sub. You've had too many of your formative years messed with by drug abuse. I so want to see you get the help you need so you can live the rest of your life free. I hope Steve will see your progress and choose to get on board with you and get help for himself. Don't let his lifestyle sabotage your recovery. Personally, I cannot imagine living around opiates. I'm afraid that would really hold me back. Sometimes it becomes necessary to break away from people or surroundings that are unhealthy for us in order to get better. One thing I'm sure of is that you have to be willing to do absolutely anything to remain in recovery. It's a tall order, but one we must accept to get better.
Oh, I should add - I'm not a doctor or an expert. Just someone who understands where you're at because I've been there too. Any opinions or advice I might give is just me talking. It sounds like you have a super doctor so keep working with him and listen to what he says by all means!
I'm so glad you're here and I hope you'll stay around and let us help you and let us receive help from you as you go through this. We're all in the same boat after all! Let us know what your doctor says and hang in there. It will get better!


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 10:52 am 
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Welcome Tarynw135!

I read every word on this thread. I am so glad you shared.

I would love to hear how educated you are on suboxone, and what you expect.

The reason I ask, is that there have been plenty of people here on methadone that, quite honestly, had to wean down some (say somewhere around 30mg's or something like that) - then have suboxone really work.

If you are a youtube(r), the look up suboxdoc. He is awesome. I like his quiet demeanor - but his writing and passion pack a punch! Anyway - he is a huge advocate of buprenorphine (the main drug in suboxone). More importantly - I immediately understood things about suboxone that made me understand what to expect short, mid, and long term.

For instance, if you are on suboxone - the safety net is that while there are opiates at a fingers reach - if you 'slipped' and took one - you would be bummed... why? Because suboxone holds on to the receptors better than the regular opiates. Maybe you already know all of this stuff - so I'll not spew it out. One good thing to remember for your situation is that suboxone lasts a LONG time. It has about a 37 hour half life. So, when you are on it, you can get to a spot of taking it once a day - and then live life! You won't think about using other pills the same way - as you will know - they won't work. It's a great tool for us who need that type of safety to learn how to enjoy life a different way!

All the best to you! I hope the taste and such lessen for you. Personally, I put it under my tongue for about 10-15 mins, then crush the rest and rub it all over my mouth - holding in the spit for the next 30 mins while I do things. Then I just spit it out and don't drink or eat for hte last 15 minutes a day. I givem myself 1 hour - then all day - freedom!


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 Post subject: wow!
PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 2:52 pm 
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Wow! You guys really are alll amazing people! I cannot say thank you enough to those of you who have answered back to my little "story." I am at my internship now (which is obviously a positive thing considering the way I have been feeling) and I don't know if I mentioned that I do go to school for Social Work and actually hope to work with drug addicted individuals or people with mental illness in the future. I have about one more year to go with my undergraduate work (last semester of social work classess but due to transfering so many times to different schools I have a ton of gen ed's still left to do) so here I am and I must say today I feel pretty good. I woke up this morning easier than I have in a long time and felt prettty good considering I didn't get too much sleep last night...last night was pretty rough...I was VERY achy and even after taking my anxiety meds and sleeping pills I still couldn't fall asleep! I swear one day...one day soon hopefully I can't wait to be drug free and actually fall asleep without loading up on pills!
Right now to answer a couple of questions you guys had I am on 16mg of Suboxone. I take one in the am and one in the pm...this is my first week on it and this is how my doctor did it with me. He had me come in to see me in slight withdrawals (I had taken my last dose of methadone the morning the day prior) and say him the next night. He had me start on Subutex just 4 mg's the first day in the am. I think this threw me into withdrawals (precipitated withdrawals?) because I felt TERRIBLE I mean TERRIBLE. I was at my internship which I probably should have called out of but I went and unfortunately had to work with clients and such sick as a dog...puking the whole nine. I then went onto 4 mg's the next morning and 4 mg's that night. The next day I went to 8 mg's in the am and 8 mg's in the night as well as the following day. THEN I started on the suboxone which I took 8 mg's of twice a day - my current dose.
Why am I still having such a tough time...it's so weird like at times I feel amazing like I could take on the world aand then like an hour later I'm crying and hating life. It's very sporatic and folllows no sort of real pattern. It seems like my body is still trying to withdraw from the methadone and allow the suboxone to attach to my brain receptors or whatever all that medical mumbo means. I do think that it would have been better for me (as bad as it may sound) to have transitioned to pain pills first - figure out my exact dosage I was taking (because with the methadone I can't say that I exactly know....I know it was a lot and a very high dose but couldn't tell you the exact milligram) and then from the pain pills transitioned to the suboxone. I feel like this may have been a little easier than the way I did it. I do consider myself really lucky for finding the doctor that I did...I have only met with him once but like I said I spent 2 1/2 hours with him talking! I even have his personal cell number in case I need anything at random hours. I even sent him texts (which I kind of felt guilty about doing after the fact) but saying how thankful I was for meeting with me and helping me. I meet with him again tonight and I must admit I am a little nervous about whether or not I should tell him that I ate a couple of pain pills while on the Subutex...I could just imagine him getting mad at me and throwing me out...leaving me doctorless! I don't want to lie though anymore and I really feel it is helpful to me to at least be honest with one person about my substance abuse and dependence. Someone needs to know the real me other than myself...Steve knows but like I have mentioned our relationship is a dysfunctional type of love to begin with and he is very supportive of my recovery and is trying hard to help me along the way....although I must say he could start helping more by massaging my damn legs! I swear that is one of the worst parts of withdrawal and I too am surprised that not too many people mention having those leg problems like I have. I think I have restless leg syndrome to begin with so this doesn't help.
OK so again THNANK YOU GUYS FOR ALL THE SUPPORT! IT REALLY MEANS MORE TO ME THAN YOU KNOW! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! it is really helpful sitting here reading you replies and feeling like I do have some people that can understand what I am going through. It is going to be an essential part of my recovery.
After the methadone I gotta start working on my use of amphetamines to help me through the day as I know I have a problem with those also...I do have ADHD but I take more than my prescribed amount (getting them off the street) and certainly abuse them to some extent which I know is going to be my second hurdle I need to get over...then will come the weed (oh my blessed weed!) which I will have to stop using if I ever expect to get a decent job working in the Social Work Field. I only smoke at home once a night to help me with anxiety that I get real bad at night but nevertheless it is still an ilegal drug and no good for someone thats trying to find their sobriety and feel what sober feels like again. I think this whole journey (as cheesy and cliche as it may sound) is truly going to be about me finding myself, learning to love myself and respect myself again as well as giving the love I am so capable of giving when not on drugs. It is amazing how opiates make you just not feel anything...like all emotions and natural feelings are blocked or numbed out and you aren't even a real functioning person when on them. I am starting to feel whole again and my legs are still aching hahaha I promise one day I will stop bitching and be able to give some good advice of my own to everyone else.
Thanks for the support guys, honestly probably couldn't do it without you!


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 10:45 am 
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Great to hear back! thanks!

I am a little surprised you went straight from methadone like that to suboxone. Do you know how high of a dose of methadone you were on (daily dose) before your suboxone?

Yes, you probably had precipitated withdrawal. God Bless you. Things will probably get better for you over time, but it's important to realize that methadone is long acting. suboxone will kick off the methadone from the receptor (thus you had precipitated withdrawal).

Now, you are kinda in a wait and see mode. 16mg is a dose that is as much as will be effective (IMO - some take more - but there is a ceiling effect with suboxone). What you are probably fighting is that your suboxone level is probably equal to about 30mg's max of methadone. If you took more than 30mg's - then common sense says you are feeling withdrawal - as your body normalizes down to the level of suboxone.

Also, with sleep - most ADHD drugs are literally a form of speed. If you have a tough time sleeping, you might want to consider adjusting that - as now there is likely less effect from suboxone than methadone. It's worth a try anyway.

You sound amazing. Doing so much. I am looking forward to your continued help here on the forum!


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 11:35 am 
Hey Taryn! My addiction was to methadone also. I've used drugs since i was about 15 or 16 and i'll be 25 this April. Pretty much all types of drugs from weed, coke, ecstasy, opiates etc. I can honestly say i have never been more addicted to anything in all my life than i was too opiates. Prefferably methadone. I was taking at a minimum of 20 milligrams and up to 60 milligrams a day. I couldnt hold a job and every bit of money i ever got i spent on methadone. When i didnt have money too get the methadone the withdrawals would set in and the worst one of them all besides nausea, was my legs hurting. I would be laying in bed trying too go to sleep tossing back and forth feeling like someone was twisting and pulling the muscles in my legs back and forth. Omgosh!! It was pure hell!! I would go from my bed to the couch and even sometimes the floor. I absolutely could not get comfortable because of my legs hurting soooo bad!! I've been on suboxone for 10 months now and havent had 1 problem since i started. I actually went 6 long agonizing days without methadone before i was able too get an appointment with my doctor. Dont ask me how i made it those 6 days but i did and i am thankful those days are long gone. Suboxone saved my life, literally!! Goodluck with your journey to sobriety!! Their is light at the end of the tunnel!! If you want to read a portion of my story, i put it on here under "Suboxone saved my life". :)


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 2:55 pm 
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[font=Georgia] [/font] Hello, my name is Liz, and I am an addict. I've been abusing prescription drugs for going on almost 4 years now, with only very short term breaks inbetween getting my hands on another prescription, and I am 27 years old. Although I have taken Extacy before when I was 20, I have never abused any other street drugs - such as herion, marijuana, coke, meth, etc. My mental and physical dependency on prescription pain killers started three years (in 2007) after I had my gallbladder and appendix removed in 2004.

I started having severe abdominal cramping, visiting the ER AT LEAST two times a month due to out of the blue and extreme sudden onset of pain, and they would administer morphine, run several tests, then send me home. In October 2007 I was brought in through the ER for yet another onset of extreme pain, except this time the ER doctor asked if she could admit me to run different tests, and that I would only be there for about a day. 5 days later I was finally sent home after 4 "Hospitalists" each gave different diagnosis of my issues - the final verdict was severe irritable bowel syndrome. I have no memory of the 5 days I spent in the hospital - they had me on a very high dose of Dillaudid, then morphine, then back to Dillaudid, so on and so forth. I was sent home with several high powered medicines - dillaudid, morphine, hydrocodone, xanax and valium. At that point I wasn't abusing, so I attempted to not take anything since I was home and feeling tired but ok. I immediately started going through horrible withdrawal symptoms, all of which I didn't understand what they were at that time - shaking, clammy, sweating, chills, aches and pains, irritability and my mind seemed to be rapid firing. I actually thought they were symptoms of whatever it was that landed me in the hospital, so when I called my Gastro doctor, he advised me they were withdrawal symptoms and to take a little bit of ALL of the meds that were sent home with me. That is when it went drastically downhill and has since continued downhill...

After finishing ALL of the meds sent home with me, out of fear of going through those "withdrawal" symptoms again, I found my body hurting and my mind racing just knowing I was out of the medicine. A mild case of panic set in, which only intensified as time passed. At that point I wasn't physically addicted, but the fear of that sudden severe pain coming back, having to go back to the ER and the intense fear I felt about possibly being admitted again, consumed my thoughts and escalated the panic to get more meds. All I could think about was the 5 days I have NO memory of and that really bothered me, especially since my family who were there with me kept going on about my bizarre behavior (which they thought was funny but it mortified me), and the fact I had been away from my daughter who I had stayed at home with since she was born and my family told me I would suddenly start panicking in the hospital about where my daughter was and they would have to sedate me. I found myself sweating, shaking, irritable, angry and unable to be myself when interacting with my husband and daughter. I went back to my Gastro doctor and he started me on a monthly dose of Darvocet, but I didn't explain my mental state, just wanting to have some mild pain medicine in case the pain came back.

I started really abusing to put me in a better mood - my husband and I only dated three months before we found out we were pregnant, got married two months later, then welcomed the birth of our daughter that September. Love had never been an issue, but we never got the "getting to know" eachother phase and working through our differences before getting married then becoming parents, so we were having to go through so much so quickly and I thought my role was to play the good, loving housewife and nurturing mother, clean the house, cook, take care of the baby and make my husband happy. I'm extremely emotional and sensitive so when we would argue, or he would hurt my feelings, it was extreme for me, and I would immediately begin fearing the worst - he was going to leave me, he was going to one day come home and tell me he doesn't love me anymore, it's all my fault and I need him to forgive me, etc. Taking the pain medicine took the edge off, replaced that fear and extreme emotional rollercoaster with another feeling - a little light headed, a little loopy - but I found that it worked for me and brought euphoria. Of course it wasn't long before my body required more and more in order to achieve that euphoria, and I was quickly running out of medicine and then the panic would set in about not having anymore.

Since then I have abused whatever pain medicine I can get prescribed. Oxycodone, percocet, tramadol, tyenlol #3 with codeine, and starting last year I tried adderall and was prescribed that for an honest ADHD problem I have (first time I didn't embellish a story to get a prescription since I do have ADHD but I didn't tell my Dr about my addiction) and the same doctor prescribed me Ambien to sleep since I've battled bouts of insomnia since I was a kid. I can't even begin to describe the extreme ups and downs I've gone through the past three years, but any fellow addicts out there know first hand what I'm talking about.

I promise I am wrapping this up - I appreciate anyone who has bared with me during this long explanation. My husband is a good man, and has been very lucky to never have had a broken bone or severe illness other than chickenpox when he was an infant. He discovered I was abusing Tramadol last year and of course it caused problems, and I so desperately wanted to tell him EVERYTHING, but he has a tendency to be judgmental and when dealing with things he doesn't understand or has never experienced himself, he often goes off the deep end, filling in the blanks himself and coming to his own conclusions. He knows that I abused to replace fear and panic with another feeling - and that it's the mental addiction/dependency that keeps me desperately needing it. However, he thinks I have since quit abusing, and I honestly have tried, God knows I have, not just for me but for him and for my daughter...and I did quit cold turkey last December when I found out I was pregnant. The physical withdrawals I've had are by NO means extreme as I've read with other people's physical withdrawals such as convulsions, vomiting, extreme pain and flu-like symptoms...it's very uncomfortable, but my mental dependency is what keeps me from quitting - the cravings, which lead to panic, which in turn cause my body to start going as haywire as my mind. While I was pregnant, like I said, I quit - but it was miserable and I was so irritable and disconnected, and to add to it I was extremely sick 24 hours a day, having to go to the ER three times due to severe dehydration from vomiting and diarrhea, not from the physical withdrawals from the meds but continuous morning sickness. On January 18th, Martin Luther King day, I went to my OBGYN for extreme abdominal pain, vomiting and diarrhea, and had an absolutely horrible gut feeling something was wrong - and I was right...when I made them do an ultrasound we couldn't find a heartbeat...I was 8 weeks pregnant and the baby measured 8 weeks. I had the D&C procedure the next day and when they sent me home with oxycodone, I immediately started abusing again. I was so angry, devastated, confused, feeling so guilty and shameful, and even though they said it wasn't my fault, miscarriages happen all the time, I couldn't get over the fact that it HAD to be my fault, all my sins had caught up to me.

I have been back to abusing every day since then but have finally made up my mind to get treatment with Suboxone, since quitting cold turkey won't work on the level I desperately need it to unless I can stop these damn cravings. After I got the chromosome report back from the baby I found out it really wasn't my fault - our baby had double the amount of chromosomes it should have - meaning we essentially should have been pregnant with twins (runs on both sides of our families) but the egg never split, so it happened at conception and me being as sick as I was every day was due to my body trying to reject the baby...but I know my mental state of quitting cold turkey early December didn't help.

I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to be dependent on a drug to feel normal, to feel okay, relying on a drug to take first thing in the morning and unable to get up and moving until it kicks in, then taking more throughout the day when I start to feel it wearing off, then again before I go to bed because I don't want to deal with insomnia. I can't keep hiding the meds, lying to doctors to get the meds, lying to my husband and being this person I don't even know. But I can't tell my husband my "drug addiction counseling" includes Suboxone since he thinks I have quit as of last year. There is no way I will ever tell him, so much other stuff has happened this past year and we are only just now starting to do better and I will not risk causing more problems by admitting I started using again after losing the baby. I go this coming Monday for my first appointment and I've been doing extensive reading on the side effects and although I am very hopeful that it will help from all the stories I've read, I am just worried about how I will behave while on Suboxone...

Thank yall again, for anyone who took twenty minutes to read this very long story that is part of my life - and I appreciate ANY advice or heads up on what to expect that I can possibly get.

God bless...


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 Post subject: Hey Liz
PostPosted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 5:50 pm 
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Hey emccurdy21,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me and everyone else…oh my God it is so sad though I can’t stop crying (also due to me just being an ultimate emotional wreck lately!) I was/am so touched by your story as well as the quite eerie similarities we both share. There’s so much about you and your story that reminds me of myself and my life...SO much! I too have gotten fabulous at manipulating people…namely doctors….into getting what I want from them but it has just been recently that I actually want to start coming clean with everyone about everything!

OK here goes (please don’t hate me for saying this as I know you have probably heard it a 100 times and don’t want to) BUT you have got to be honest with your husband about your abuse and your addiction problems…I am no angel and God knows no perfect person…I live with an addict and used with him for the past 3 years…everything he could get his hands on and (aside from heroin) it has been and still is very easy for him to obtain anything we want….really anything it’s scary. I know it may be hard and may cause you more headaches but I think that for your own sake you need someone by your side while you are going through all this because I swear it’s the emotional and mental part of this addiction that is the hardest when it comes to getting off all the shit and without someone there by your side helping you it’s almost impossible to make it! I just think that you should try (not saying you have to divulge everything) to kind of let him know what’s going on with you so you don’t have to keep hiding everything from everyone.

Have you started on suboxone yet?? Let me know because I want to see if and how you are doing with the change from the pills to the sub and how its working out for you…its real hard when you’re doing it alone and you don’t have support so USE THIS SITE it has helped me out tremendously…as I have found that my fiancé hasn’t exactly been there for me like I thought he would (but that’s a whole nother post/day/story). I have actually turned more to people on this site for support than him…which is weird I know but I am just trying to stress to you how beneficial this place can be for you…especially since it sounds like you’re going to be doing it on your own. I AM HERE FOR YOU THOUGH I PROMISE!

I too am a little bit of an anxiety pill, ambien and speed junkie myself on top of my addiction to methadone and pills so trust me I completely understand and you don’t need to feel ashamed or embarrassed when talking to me because I can completely understand how it feels when you basically lose control over your own body and turn to other things to get you through the day/night. It will get easier! I swear it will….everyone told me that it would and I thought they were a little full of it but they were all 100% right IT DOES! Each day is going to be a bit of a struggle (and I can’t say yet that I am out of this phase) and each day though will get a little easier and a little less hard to get through until (hopefully for the both of us) we are able to get through not only days but weeks and months of enjoying our new found freedom and lease on life. It’s not going to be easy…you used for a while as did I, but you can do it…you have been through so much in your life already ( omg I’m crying again thinking about your miscarriage) that honestly Liz if you can get through that then you can do anything. That must have been so hard for you and I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been but just know that you will be OK and that everything in life has its reasons…although sometimes you may not see why or it may not make sense….everything happens for a reason. I AM SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR BABY I honestly can’t stop thinking about the hurt it must have caused you and I am so very sorry.

Liz, you can do this I promise you that….if I can do it (and trust me I love me some drugs) than you can certainly battle this disease head on and if you need a helping hand I am here for you every step of the way. Please keep posting and good luck...let me know what stage you are at as far as with the suboxone so I can give you some tips if needed.

T

_________________
"It's always been wait and see
A happy day and then you'll pay
And feel like shit the morning after
But now I feel changed around
And instead of falling down
I'm standing up the morning after"
~Elliott Smith


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 10:47 am 
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Hi emccurdy21

WOW, I read all 20 minutes :)

There are many here who can relate step by step with you. We are all in different camps.

I believe you asked a question at the end of the thread. What will suboxone be like for me different than this hell of drugs and cravings?

It sounds like you want this madness to end. Suboxone, prescribed through an approved physician will most likely lead to you 'feeling normal.' That is the most referred to term we see and it is how I felt. Not high, not low, just normal. You will probably get to the stage, and dose you can take, under your tongue, once a day - and you have your entire life back. No more wondering every 4 hours how to get some pill to feel OK. No tolerance chase.

I would strong recommend you consider this path. I am not a doctor - just someone who can relate. If your husband want's you to back to 'normal' that's the likely result.

Please know, there is NO pill on earth or medicine that I know of that you can take and make your cravings go away - without a tapering plan. You will need to take suboxone - level out - get help to learn about your triggers, and then get a tapering off plan. I hope this helps!

Please let us know if you have read these ideas!


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