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PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2014 12:31 am 
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Suboxone... what can I say? Like many relationships we have- it was a love/ hate kind of thing. Atleast for me... looking back I guess I never could TELL for sure if taking this medication for 5 yrs- helped me...or held me back.
However, I just celebrated my 4 months mark today... was having a smoke early this morning, when out of the blue it occured to me... how long it'd been. Which is pretty crazy b/c not too long ago I can remember when just getting through the HOUR took every ounce of strength and willpower inside of me! Someone who'd been thru the hell of Sub detox told me, "after you get to the big 90 days... it suddenly becomes less of an obsession, you're no longer fixated every waking moment HOW you feel emotionally and physically without the drug." And thank God he was RIGHT! Of course I would be lying if I said Suboxone didn't cross my thoughts in one way or another every single day... but the more time you allow to pass where you aren't controlled like slavery to a pill/strip... the more confidence begins to build inside of you... that you're "worth it"...that you CAN get through the days without a krutch of some kind to guide you... that maybe, just fuckin maybe, life has more to offer you/me than being and staying high and numbing yourself from REALITY and THE REAL, TRUE version of yourself.
To all of you out there, fighting this good, my hats off to you, and my heart sincerly goes out to your recovery. It is a son of a bitch getting off of this medication, probably top 3 most difficult, challenging things I have experienced. But today I am thankful that the journey from there to here was as hard as it was.... if it happened been, I know myself well enoguh to know... I wouldn't be as PROUD of myself as I am right now, in this very moment. I did it guys!!!! =)


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2014 6:32 am 
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Hey there Sarah!
Congrats on 4months!! I am right behind you (4months in about 10 more days!). I feel very similarly to you about sub controlling me and changing my personality. It does feel great to be "free" and "clear", right?! Great job!! :D

I don't think it necessarily does that (controls and changes personalities for the worse) for everyone though- I think it depends a lot on the intention and circumstances when someone starts. For many suboxone is a lifesavor and is helping people actually "find" themselves again after being lost in active addiction. IMO once a person has stabalized for awhile, I guess "maybe" they would feel even better to be totally med free? But I of course can't make that choice for anyone but myself.
I think it is an interesting question about being truly "authentic" and on any type of opiate at the same time, but it is a delicate subject...for me, no, I do not think I was living authentically or expereincing my "authentic" self while I was taking suboxone, but that is just ME.

Great job and congrats again!
:D Peace- BF

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"BE the change that you wish to see in the world"

Mahatma Gandhi


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 15, 2014 2:20 am 
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Thanks for your response love! I'm always happy to log on and see replies from my fellow addicts in recovery! =)
Congrats to you as well on getting through these first few months. I've been thinking a lot about the determination and will power it takes while on this journey- & I can't seem to decide which part of it is the *most difficult* : detoxing/withdrawling off our DOC,...or is it after the physical hell, once you're clean and attempting to rebuild your life and also STAY off and away from the drug(s)...???
Just wondering what ya all think regarding this topic. Obviously all of it is a challenge, but I'm wondering and thinking about this, b/c during those first several weeks (pretty much the WORST of the Sub withdrawals happened between 20-45 days).... I honestly never believed I'd feel like a normal functioning human being again! I knew eventually the bugaboos would be behind me, but that was SUCH a dark, scary, uncomfertable time that there truly seemed to be NO light at the end of ANY tunnel. I would lay in bed at night and pray to God... asking him to please meet me in the middle of this fight, and to help me "just a little", pretty much desperate to physically feel SOME tiny bit better than I did... I don't know, point is... those detoxing days took a toll on me, and it was honest to God one of the most difficult things I've done in my life (and if you knew me, you'd know what this means- bc unfortunatly I have been through a lot in my 28 yrs).
But now I'm completly over the physical stuff- tho I worry from time to time about PAWS and if it will creep up on me the way it has others)... I feel energetic, and clear headed,...I am feeling actual emotions again, and by some miracle of God, I don't have cravings for Suboxone! The thing is... dealing w/ life on lifes terms has been a bit of a challenge as well. Clearly our sense of self worth and confidance takes a HUGE BLOW in active addiction, so when the time comes to face reality, and deal w/ the outside world again... we find ourselves feeling overwhelmed, and....small. What I'm discovering now, after being clean 4 months... is that, once we're through the withdrawals, and our bodies are cleansed from the drugs,...It takes a great deal of determination and will power ALL OVER again in order to deal with this next chapter: LIFE. I'm struggeling to get my financies in control, I'm feeling self conscious and having doubts about working (just got hired at a new restaurant and haven't worked since before all this began!)....and I'm having a hard time socializing and relating to others as well. It's all a process, and I think with some effort I'll eventually begin to rebuild myself.
But like I said... I can't decide what part takes the MOST determination and willpower- getting clean,...or STAYING clean?? Tell me what thoughts you guys have... and explain why! I'd appriecate any input.
Stay strong! And be well.


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