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 Post subject: NEVER FELT LIKE THIS
PostPosted: Thu Jun 25, 2015 7:02 am 
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Warning this is gonna be long but as I write this I haven't slept worth a crap since I relapsed so hang with me.. A few of u know me a little but I haven't logged in for a minute. So a month or so ago my doc gave me my script as usual and I put it in my glove box and went onto work intending to fill it the next day as I worked overnight 12 hour shifts and was running behind that day and the fact that I had a nice little stash saved up from self weening down to 4mgs a day from 16mg..Now before u even say anything I had tried time tell her a couple months ago I didn't need 16mgs and she threw a damn fit saying I wasn't qualified to ween myself down and I wasn't following the plan blah blah.. So that particular night was a very busy one at work and I was 2 officers short at work and ended up having to pull 16 hours and so went straight home the next day and obviously slept the few hours I had and went straight back to work..so now it's been 2 almost 3 days and she calls me and asks why haven't I filled it and just how could I make it without my meds.. Oh it gets better..I manage to do what addicts do and lie and say Oh Well over the time I had seen her I forget to take my 3rd dose sometimes when I get busy (break up doses for severe chronic pain, thanks iraq ) so she says Well your back to weekly visits and go fill it..So u maybe guessed it can't find the damn script now it's just gone but yah I have plenty meds to make it a couple more days till I see her and explain.. She calls me 2 days later and says I need to come in for a count.. I'm FREAKING OUT NOW and come clean and tell her I haven't been taking 16mgs only 4mgs and therefore have PLENTY and guess what doc lost that script.. So a few of u know I have a little bit of a bad attitude with doctors anyway (another story) and I decide you know what I'm TIRED OF THIS BULLSHIT and I wanna get high any damn way so I abruptly (I'm furious at her even though it's my damn fault 100%) throw them in the toilet and flush and make an appointment with my bro to come by and hook up some oxy..Spend a embarrassing amount of money on 120 15mg oxycodone and guess what lose my corporate job I had worked so hard to get after I got clean and on sub along with all my benefits including my medical because I was so damn high I couldn't function and they noticed and gave me a piss test which of course I failed.. Now here I sit no job in full withdrawal wishing those assholes in Iraq would have just killed me.. So what do I do now.?? Do I dare even calling her ?? Methadone clinic?? Try to find another fucking doc with a bad reputation from my old doc?? I have so much hate for the V.A. I will die first I promise u that.. I do realize this is 100% my fault I just need some feedback because these withdraw from that sub is THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER BEEN TROUGH AND THAT'S INCLUDING H.. I have found 1 tablet but I don't know whether to take it I haven't had any sub in a few days due to the oxy.. please help if u have any constructive advice please don't blast me I already hate myself enough


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 Post subject: Re: NEVER FELT LIKE THIS
PostPosted: Thu Jun 25, 2015 10:48 am 
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Hey Always,
Yes I remember you. To answer your first question, yes call your old Dr first. You need to get back on bupe asap imo.

I do not understand how the script was lost. ..

You could start over with a new Dr. Can you pay for it now that is gone? I do understand your frustrated with the sub system, the rules and such. But we gota follow them. When we do not our drs sometimes can sniff out a problem. Ive seen this happen a few times at clinic when scripts go unfilled. Big no no.. This starts mistrust in the providers mind.

What has happened to you just happened to a friend of mine. He is ok. He still has his stock left. And has found a new dr.

If were me Alway, id call your dr, tell her the truth and get back to rebuilding your life. It sucks you lost your job. But useing isnt going to get you anywhere but dead, or living in hell. .

Start over..it will only be as hard as you want to make it. I know you dont care for drs. But they hold the keys.
You can do this!!


Yes it is your fault, but you can fix it.

Sorry your wd is hard, it would have to be with all that Oxy in you aloug with the Buprenorphine. You know if you taper off bupe correctly the wd is not as bad as H or any other full agonist. We dont like the wroug message to go out that bupe is straight out the Worst.

Im not Blasting you Always, I feel very badly for you . Call your Dr and get moving in the right direction man...

And uno, you can get back to a better life. Dont hate yourself! Shit happens. Your paying the price right now, and get back with your Dr...hell any dr!!

Razor...my 2 cents....


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 Post subject: Re: NEVER FELT LIKE THIS
PostPosted: Thu Jun 25, 2015 12:13 pm 
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Hey Always,

Well that's gotta be making u mad at urself right now and I'm sure u don't wanna hear about all the things u should've done differently because u already know that I'm sure. Relapse happens, it just does unfortunately. I'd say u were probably already thinking of using and the addict brain just caused u chaos til u did finally use. It has a way of justifying bad behaviors so we do end up using. Unfortunately this seems to have been a pretty bad one that caused u ur doctor, ur job, ur peace of mind, and left u in withdrawal. That sucks so bad and I feel for u. But u know what, u just gotta pick urself bk up, get bk to ur doctor and be completely honest with her about everything. Our doctors know about what happens in relapse and how we act right before....kinda warning signs, and I'm sure she saw them all. U have a good chance to get started bk on track if u do that. There will be another job, I know it's not the one u worked so hard for but there's gonna be another door open up.

Don't beat urself up too bad, ur hurting enough. And in the future, never flush ur subs, u could've really used those right about now. Good luck always, this is another bump the rd, but u have the power to put it right bk on the right track again.

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 Post subject: Re: NEVER FELT LIKE THIS
PostPosted: Thu Jun 25, 2015 12:18 pm 
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Hey razor that's why I came back here first I knew I could count on a few of u guys to be there with some encouragement.. Even though slot of us start strong on here some of u guys can always be counted on..To answer a couple questions, as far as the script being lost your guess is as good as mine except the fact that I am extremely air headed I'm sure because I have been high as hell pretty much ALL THE TIME FOR YEARS Lol but no seriously when I told her the diversion word started getting thrown around.. We have a PMP program here in Oklahoma and she just said I better hope it didn't get filled and she checked and it hadn't been so that was a plus of course.. And I NEVER want to imply that no wds are worse than sub THEY ALL SUCK and tapered correctly there are hundreds if not thousands of success stories to prove that right? I am of the belief that what ever opiate you are withdrawal on at the moment seems the worst at the time Lol Let me tell you H and oxy ain't no freaking joke either nor is Meth.. So thats just me bitching in between shakes and trips to the bathroom.. But I do have good news I did call her first thing this morning and first sincerely apologized for not taking my treatment seriously told her I was 100% serious this time and would back it up with going to counseling of her choosing along with following doctors orders instead of acting like I knew everything and she agreed to reinduct me at 8 am Saturday.. So praise God my huge huge mistake didn't put me back into inpatient rehab ..So I'm gonna go for it again ..


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 Post subject: Re: NEVER FELT LIKE THIS
PostPosted: Thu Jun 25, 2015 12:30 pm 
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You definitely hit that on the head jenn.. When I called her the first thing out of her mouth was so are u done f'ing around now? And I bet u are really ready to come back.. You are right it was like she saw it coming all along and just wanted to Let me learn a hard lesson (not putting any blame on her at all ) and Lol yah if I could somehow dive down there and get em back I would have my freaking temper was off the charts as usual and it's like I just make these stupid ass drug fueled split second decisions that ALWAYS end up the same.. But I'm hoping this is finally my bottom I was a supervisor and that job meant more to me than I can ever tell you it was the first time after the military I was making just rediculous money and had every company benefit you could imagine so it's way way beyond DEVASTATING.. thanks so much for the support jenn


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 Post subject: Re: NEVER FELT LIKE THIS
PostPosted: Thu Jun 25, 2015 1:02 pm 
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Great! !!!! Very good to hear. Ok ball is in your court. You can make Always!!!!!!

Hey, a d keep posting, lets know what's up and how its going......

Razor


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 Post subject: Re: NEVER FELT LIKE THIS
PostPosted: Thu Jun 25, 2015 1:42 pm 
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Razor and Jenn are giving you great advice, even though it's not what part of you wants to hear. I would add that when you talk to your doctor, try to show some vulnerability. Don't go in there with a chip on your shoulder!

I also think it would help you AND your situation with the doctor if you would search for and find the right kind of addiction therapist for you. I think I remember that you don't like counseling. Well, I think you may have to suck it up and find one anyway. That would do two things for you. One, it would help you figure out the nuances of why you sabotaged your recovery with a relapse. (Because I don't think it's as simple as you rebelling against doctors.) Second, you can show your doctor that you are taking your recovery more seriously than before. She may not be a doctor who really understands why an addict relapses. She may think that once you're on bupe, your life is gravy. But she will recognize an attempt on your part to do better, and that should involve finding a therapist. Plenty of them have sliding fees based on income.

I think you should look for a male therapist who is a recovered addict and has been in the military. Going through the VA is not the only way to find the right therapist. You will probably need to spend some time online and some time on the phone.

Doing things your way and using your "will" has not been effective for you in the long term. Using a good therapist can help you gain insight into what led you to relapse. If you don't do things differently this time you may very well end up back at this situation in 3 years. No one wants that.

You can get back on your feet. This relapse doesn't get to define you. You get to choose how to respond to this set back.

Amy

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 Post subject: Re: NEVER FELT LIKE THIS
PostPosted: Thu Jun 25, 2015 2:36 pm 
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Hey Amy that's a GREAT idea I never really thought about it but there has to be a military veteran with those qualifications somewhere in all of Oklahoma City.I obviously have to be careful what I say but when we got to Afghanistan there was plenty of perks for overworked soilders in alot of pain physically and mentally believe that so only stands to reason there has to be a counselor or 2 around.. I am DEFINITELY gonna make some phone calls..You know how we addicts always say if you haven't been through the self inflicted hell we have been through you just don't get it?? Well it's very difficult for me to convey to someone that wasn't there the anger and horrible guilt I carry around every day.. so thank u so much for the idea.. I know that almost everyone while in withdrawal says they are serious about recovery but there is a HUGE difference this time for me..The difference is when I first decided to seek treatment the honest fact is I had simply ran out and it was like a hella difficult at the time to find anything to continue my habit and the withdrawal process for me is like double hell I still don't know how ANYONE can just suck it up and fight through it although there are people on here that are HELLA TOUGH and go through it cold ..My point is the first time from like maybe day 3 I was actually angry I couldn't get high anymore ..Here is what is kinda funny in a sick way I actually believed I was gonna get those 120 oxys and only take 1 or 2 a day and really thought I could.. WRONG I'm telling u after I got em I took 1 and that lasted all of 5 minutes before I gulped down a few more then got home and a couple hours later was railing up the lines on the mirror and next thing I knew I was in my bosses office getting fired and that was the hardest slap in the face I can't even tell you. And to be honest not 10 minutes before he came into my office I was getting ready to find some H.. That's how fast and weak I was it only took feeling that high a few days to have me heading right back into hell and if I wouldn't have gotten fired that day things would have been out of control VERY QUICKLY.. Great advice and thank you I hope you are doing Well


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 Post subject: Re: NEVER FELT LIKE THIS
PostPosted: Fri Jun 26, 2015 2:17 am 
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You've turned your attitude right around and are working to fix things. And your attitude is 10 times better than what it was when you went on bupe the first time.

Lord knows that all of us here hate that you have been through things that we can't possibly imagine in Afganistan. You have more reason than most to want to numb out. But if not facing those reasons is keeping you sick we all want you to get the help that is appropriate for you. So if your doctor has a specific therapist for you, go ahead and see that person, but also keep up a search for someone who will help you get better for real. Because you know and we know that you could have ended up scoring some H that was laced with something powerful enough to make you OD. Just because we're not your family members and friends doesn't mean that we wouldn't feel it if we lost you.

Every forward step you make, share it with us. Any setbacks, tell us. There's always someone around who cares.

Amy

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 Post subject: Re: NEVER FELT LIKE THIS
PostPosted: Fri Jun 26, 2015 8:36 pm 
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Thanks guys I truly appreciate all the support.. going on night 3 and last of withdrawal. Reinduction in 12&1/2 hours and Lol counting every minute because I know what relief lies ahead.Haven't been even answering my phone but doc did call and check on me at least and that made me feel better mentally.. I'm actually glad nobody is here to take care of me because I don't ever wanna forget this.. I am very curious to know how this withdrawal effects your depression because it plays with your emotion ALOT..I can say for certain it sucks Lol..


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 Post subject: Re: NEVER FELT LIKE THIS
PostPosted: Sat Jun 27, 2015 7:59 am 
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1 hour and 2 mins away I will give u guys an update when I get back thanks again for all the support


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 Post subject: Re: NEVER FELT LIKE THIS
PostPosted: Sat Jun 27, 2015 11:01 am 
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Your going to do fine Always..!!
New start,hope hopes!!


Razor


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 Post subject: Re: NEVER FELT LIKE THIS
PostPosted: Sat Jun 27, 2015 5:47 pm 
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Definitely keep us posted!

Amy

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 Post subject: Re: NEVER FELT LIKE THIS
PostPosted: Sun Jun 28, 2015 1:52 am 
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OK Well so induction went AWESOME I feel sooooooo much better..I went in there with a good attitude and tried so very hard to be nice and polite.. Doc even said my attitude was was a complete flip.. And I really am gonna try to be positive as possible..I just know this last one was definitely my bottom


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 Post subject: Re: NEVER FELT LIKE THIS
PostPosted: Sun Jun 28, 2015 1:46 pm 
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I'm really glad your induction went well and that you seem to be on good terms with your doc. :)

So, you're going to be looking for a job and that can be tough. I hope you're also looking for a therapist who understands what you've gone through.

Here's an idea. You don't have to do this, obviously. But I think it would do some good if you were to write your boss an email or a letter apologizing for screwing up. You caused him some trouble and he may still feel conflicted or upset about having to fire you. Or maybe not. The point is, don't burn that bridge, even if it's pretty close to being scorched already. I would include an apology for letting the company down, anything you said or did while you were high. Let him know he was right to fire you and that you needed the wake up call. Tell him that you are grateful for having the job while you did. Speak from the heart. Don't ask for a second chance or your job back. Let the email/letter be all about the apology and what you've done to fix things and what you're going to be doing to fix things. Make it all about your boss. Don't expect anything in return. Right now you could use the good karma. :)

That's all I have for now. :)

Amy

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 Post subject: Re: NEVER FELT LIKE THIS
PostPosted: Wed Jul 01, 2015 10:50 pm 
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So I hope everything is going good with all u guys I'm on day 5 of the second time around and sitting here trying to figure out why I went right back to hell the minute I had an excuse. I feel so so much better this time and now I know for a fact I wasn't really ready the first time because from day 2 I had a million different reasons why I didn't need sub. I can say for sure attitude is EVERYTHING and I had a hella bad attitude plus the simple fact is I wasn't ready to stop.. Well by God I'm ready now .


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