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 Post subject: Re: Need support
PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2014 7:45 am 
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no_boop_shoo_be_doop wrote:
Will it make me sad, or will it be a comforting thing after grieving, like a nice picture of her? I know it is much better not to dwell on unknown futures and live in the day; I hate thinking about such "what ifs", but can't help it late at night sometimes, when I'm alone.


I think how you deal with eventual future grief and loss will have much to do with your spiritual journey and "faith" at the time of your loss. I hope you (and I, and everyone on this forum) find strength and inner peace to face "whatever" challenges, losses, etc. that "real" life hands us, drug free- life on life's terms sounds kinda scary after so many years of "numbness", but also more wonderfully fulfilling, so I for one am ready (for today anyway) to start facing my fears and walking through them.

When you are feeling "alone" at night Boop, please try to remember that you are never "really" alone. We are all connected and loved. And what a "gift" we addicts have been given to be able to 'virtually' connect, KWIM??

RCA


Last edited by rca1004 on Sat Jun 21, 2014 9:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Need support
PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2014 8:04 am 
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Morning Update

(Should I still drag out my "Sleep" metaphor yet ANOTHER day....ah, what the hell- lol)

So, my dear little "Sleep" and I were cuddling peacefully last night..................................
until MORPHEUS arrived and all HELL broke loose!
(Lol! - Please refer back a page and take another look at the majestic ((and rather frightening!)) "Morpheus"!)

K, really nothing "new" today, which I think is a good thing. I'm enjoying the "status quo". Another relatively good night's sleep, 6 hours, but my "sleep app" said quality was only 56%. The graph for the individual night showed that I barely moved, so I think that is why the lower percentage- I guess I was "rock like" and did not go through as many "normal" cycles, but "whatever", it is just an "app" and who knows how accurate it is. I woke up one time at about 1am (when Morpheus busted in- hahaha), but managed to fall asleep again.

Oh, this is kinda cool. I had to go "out and about" yesterday, and as I was leaving the house, just had this really great feeling because I knew I didn't "have" to bring any sub along "just in case" I took longer than planned! I felt peaceful because I feel confident now that I am on such a low dose that if I "had" to jump today, I would not suffer more than I could handle. For the last couple of days I've been dosing "on schedule", but have not really felt I "needed" to dose at all, not one bit! Feels good- almost like "freedom"

My "quote / thought for the day" is something I remembered while posting about God / Spirituality on another thread:

Quote:
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. - Albert Einstein


I hope you realize the "miracle" of everything today, including yourselves!
XO
rca


Last edited by rca1004 on Fri Jun 20, 2014 8:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Need support
PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2014 8:31 am 
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Next time Morpheus shows up, just toss him blueberries....he loves blueberries :)


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 Post subject: Re: Need support
PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2014 8:40 am 
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trainer14 wrote:
Next time Morpheus shows up, just toss him blueberries....he loves blueberries :)


Note to self: Keep carton of blueberries near or under the bed. (lol)


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 Post subject: Re: Need support
PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2014 7:53 am 
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[b]Weekend Update![/b]

Sleep was AMAZING last night! Wow, I didn't know she had it in her anymore!! Made me feel SO good! (ha ha ha)! (I think maybe my hormones kicking in again are just forcing me to keep thinking of Sleep as my lover- ha ha-)

I'm pretty sure I got at least 7 hours last night!!! I was so tired when I went to bed I forgot to set my "sleep app" so I don't know for sure, but didn't wake up until 6am!! Morpheus made a brief appearance at about 1am, but the blueberries under the bed calmed him right down and he didn't bother me anymore- ha ha. (If this sounds totally confusing, go back and read Trainer and my's previous exchange)

Yesterday, although physically I was feeling no withdrawal, the mental/ emotional aspect of this process kinda snuck up on me and dealt a blow. I did not realize quite how "sensitive" and "fragile" I still am. A small, relatively harmless comment from a friend, just "broke" me for a bit. Since not "feeling" all my emotions completely for so long, when I felt "hurt" by this comment, it was just like a punch in the stomach; a hard one. I really didn't consider taking more subs though, which is interesting. I think "surviving" through the "relationship drama" last week without more subs has strengthened me a bit in that area (for today anyway). What I DID do is something that I haven't done in a long long time. I cried....a lot.....real tears rolling down my cheeks. Since tapering I have had a few smaller bouts of "crying", but not like this. It was really strange for me, and maybe some of you can relate to just "not crying" about ANYTHING for "years", so although it hurt, I think it was overall a healthy experience. I sat with the feelings, I cried it out, I talked to a friend who made me laugh really hard, then I worked out until my muscles were shaking. Then, you know what? I felt GREAT!! I felt "relieved" and peaceful. SO, more pebbles to strengthen my "bridge". I'm happy that I seem to be re-learning healthy coping skills.
Note to self: DO NOT FORGET THEM!! Popping a pill or "film" is way easier.....but obviously does nothing to help me grow or give me peace.

Enjoy the day!
rca

PS. Relationship drama is way way less "dramatic". My husband has been much more kind, caring and supportive. Probably because I "forced" him to "communicate" rather than taking Suboxone and ignoring the problem!!!

PSS. Does anyone know why it says "6 months or more" next to my avatar?? That is just way wrong! I just joined in May! Also, it seems the "font effects" aren't working as my title "Morning Update" is supposed to be bold???


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 Post subject: Re: Need support
PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2014 8:27 am 
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YAY RCA!!!!!!!! Thats awesome on the sleep and the coping. We are gonna get tossed those trying times and how we deal with them can either break us or make us!!!!!! I get charged from a challenge, gritting my teeth and saying "is that all you got? Bitch please!". It really exhilirates me to slap down something I once thought impossible to do on my own. Power through it and feel the rush!!!!


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 Post subject: Re: Need support
PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2014 1:30 pm 
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That's very much what my taper has been like. The physical symptoms -- which were what worried me the most when i started -- have been minimal, and very manageable.

But the emotional side has been something else, i had no idea that it would be as hard as it's been. The heavy emotional stuff seems to kick in 2 or 3 days after every dose drop, and lasts a day or two.

-- JI

rca1004 wrote:
Yesterday, although physically I was feeling no withdrawal, the mental/ emotional aspect of this process kinda snuck up on me and dealt a blow. I did not realize quite how "sensitive" and "fragile" I still am. A small, relatively harmless comment from a friend, just "broke" me for a bit. Since not "feeling" all my emotions completely for so long, when I felt "hurt" by this comment, it was just like a punch in the stomach; a hard one. I really didn't consider taking more subs though, which is interesting. I think "surviving" through the "relationship drama" last week without more subs has strengthened me a bit in that area (for today anyway). What I DID do is something that I haven't done in a long long time. I cried....a lot.....real tears rolling down my cheeks. Since tapering I have had a few smaller bouts of "crying", but not like this. It was really strange for me, and maybe some of you can relate to just "not crying" about ANYTHING for "years", so although it hurt, I think it was overall a healthy experience. I sat with the feelings, I cried it out, I talked to a friend who made me laugh really hard, then I worked out until my muscles were shaking.

_________________
"Past and future veil God from our sight; burn both of them with fire."
-- Rumi, Sufi poet and teacher


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 Post subject: Re: Need support
PostPosted: Sun Jun 22, 2014 6:52 am 
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johnny_ikon wrote:
That's very much what my taper has been like. The physical symptoms -- which were what worried me the most when i started -- have been minimal, and very manageable.

But the emotional side has been something else, i had no idea that it would be as hard as it's been. The heavy emotional stuff seems to kick in 2 or 3 days after every dose drop, and lasts a day or two.

-- JI


Yep, that has been the case with me as well. I actually think it has been kinda good "practice" for the "real" jump, as you pointed out, it only lasts for a day or two. SO, when we "jump" and hit an emotional patch, we can look back and say, "it is not going to last forever, I do NOT need drugs to 'deal', and I am strong enough to 'make it through' these emotions by using "healthy" coping tools". KWIM JI?


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 Post subject: Re: Need support
PostPosted: Sun Jun 22, 2014 6:56 am 
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trainer14 wrote:
YAY RCA!!!!!!!! Thats awesome on the sleep and the coping. We are gonna get tossed those trying times and how we deal with them can either break us or make us!!!!!! I get charged from a challenge, gritting my teeth and saying "is that all you got? Bitch please!". It really exhilirates me to slap down something I once thought impossible to do on my own. Power through it and feel the rush!!!!


Thank you very much Trainer for the affirmation, and continuing motivation. In addition to your "training" job that I know you love, I really think you'd make a great motivational speaker (maybe at rehabs or someplace like that?) and don't forget about those T-shirts! I want to place the first order!! :D


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 Post subject: Re: Need support
PostPosted: Sun Jun 22, 2014 7:06 am 
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I. Can't. Sleep.

I had a glorious 7 hours lined up, but I think I was only asleep for 3 of them. Now I gotta drag my sorry ass out the door, gonna be a long day.

Glad you guys are getting shut-eye. Maybe I should try blueberries under my bed.

-- JI

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"Past and future veil God from our sight; burn both of them with fire."
-- Rumi, Sufi poet and teacher


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 Post subject: Re: Need support
PostPosted: Sun Jun 22, 2014 7:12 am 
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Happy Sunday!!

Feeling very much "normal" today, which is quite nice. As "Sleep" is continuing to relatively behave herself (another 6 hours last night), I feel way more rested and peaceful. Still not getting eight hours, and my "sleep app" shows that when I am asleep, I am just in "deep sleep" without the "normal" cycles.....probably because I'm still taking Trazadone...(Note to self: Just try falling asleep 100% "naturally" tonight and see what happens..)
I guess I went for so many days on so little sleep, I'm still a bit afraid that I "won't" sleep, but that is a stupid fear...it can't truly hurt me to lose "some" sleep. I have to face up to the fact that not every night, even after I make it through my jump and "stabilize" back to my "normal" functioning, will "every night" be a "good" night's sleep. Night time is the scariest time for me, because I still have trouble being "alone with my thoughts"...my brain can take me to some dark, uncomfortable places. I know I still need some therapy in that regard, but first things first.

As far as my "plan" goes, here is what I am thinking today. I will stay for about another 5-7 days at .375mgs so I am well rested and "strong" before the next drop. I plan to drop to .25mgs, in two .125 doses, 12 hours apart. I don't really buy into the "up and down" dosing, or "once a day"- it does not work for me personally anyway. I am trying to keep myself as "stable" as possible, so I don't really feel any more or less of the drug in my system, and so I don't "obsess" on days I am "not" dosing. I think skipping days before the final final stages of a taper would just mess me up both mentally and physically. Once I get stable at .25mgs, depending on how difficult that drop is, I will either jump from there (if the drop itself proves fairly manageable), or I'll try and take it down to .125mgs daily, but not sure if I could split that into two doses, so may do 1 a day, which would be a milestone in itself, since for 8 years I did 3 doses a day, now for about 4-5 weeks I've been at 2 doses a day. Again, I plan to re-assess after my next drop, but this is my thinking now.

Hoping everyone reading this enjoys a "day of rest" and is kind to themselves today!!
Peace and Love,
rca


Last edited by rca1004 on Sun Jun 22, 2014 8:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Need support
PostPosted: Sun Jun 22, 2014 7:15 am 
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johnny_ikon wrote:
I. Can't. Sleep.

I had a glorious 7 hours lined up, but I think I was only asleep for 3 of them. Now I gotta drag my sorry ass out the door, gonna be a long day.

Glad you guys are getting shut-eye. Maybe I should try blueberries under my bed.

-- JI

Oooo- sorry to hear that JI. I had many of those 3-4 hour nights in a row and they can be brutal, but 3 hours is better than 0-2 hours, KWIM? If the blueberries dont work (ha ha) can you try and grab a nap this aft? Sometimes I was able to get 30min to 1hour in the afternoon once I had dosed for the day, and that really helped.


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 Post subject: Re: Need support
PostPosted: Sun Jun 22, 2014 9:34 am 
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Getting on a train now, hoping to grab some Zzzzzz's on the way.

Keeping my eyes open at the moment listening to Jesus & Mary Chain loud, some of you 40+'s must remember this stuff:

https://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&source=w ... 7cQkQiEqqA

-- JI

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"Past and future veil God from our sight; burn both of them with fire."
-- Rumi, Sufi poet and teacher


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 Post subject: Re: Need support
PostPosted: Sun Jun 22, 2014 3:56 pm 
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Something kind of nice I'd like to share. Today at the gym, after class the teacher and I were having a nice chat. She had recently given me her phone number, and we have been texting a bit, and then today she invited me to a little get together next week at her house. As I was leaving I thought to myself "I have been taking classes with this woman for a couple of years. Isn't it kind of strange that we just now are becoming "friends"? Then it hit me. It is ME who is changing, or should I say "returning" to the outgoing, friendly person I used to be. Feels good to start "connecting" again, and not "isolating". I want more!!


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 Post subject: Re: Need support
PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2014 3:58 am 
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EARLY morning update!

Ug, only 4 hours last night. Up at 2:30 am. I told you Sleep could be "fickle". It is not really totally her fault though, I must see my part in the disagreement (it takes two!). Remember when I told myself to "try to sleep 'naturally" last night? I didn't even give it a chance and took a full clonidine, even though I'm having zero physical withdrawals right now, and I took double the amount of Xanax I have been taking for night time anxiety. Then I washed it all down with a double dose of ZZZquil. SO, of course I 'passed out' for 4 hours, but when the meds wore off, I was "wide awake' and here I sit. Although I may seem full of "confidence" during the daylight (and at times I truly am feeling more confident), I turn into a big chicken shit when the sun goes down. I know exactly why too, and until I work through all my past trauma ( and there has been a good amount- think being "attacked" with loaded pistol held against your temple, that is a fraction of one example, and that one I have pretty much "worked through") Ugg,,,,but working through that shit means dragging it all up and spewing it out and that is MESSY and PAINFUL and I don't think I am ready to start work on that right now. First things first.... I have to get totally off the mind and emotion numbing subs, and I am pretty damn close. I'm just not sure how to "turn off" the dark thoughts in my brain at night......the subs helped with that. I don't want to "self medicate" in other ways, but like I said, turn into a big scared baby at night. It is a conundrum. I need to pray about it, and if any of you reading this also pray, and have a heart for it today, please help.
rca


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 Post subject: Re: Need support
PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2014 9:50 am 
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Ya, rca, in due time you will work out those issues. You already have a HUGE project going! I know what it's like to suddenly feel everything agai , and not have something to turn to in order to shut those feelings down. Nighttime is the hardest when you can't sleep because it's nothing but you and your thoughts; no kids, work, husband, or life stuff to distract you! You'll get through it! I also have to make myself "pass out" from time to time to ensure I get at least SOME rest.

I will pray for you! You are treading through this like a champ!


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 Post subject: Re: Need support
PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2014 11:35 am 
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Hey rca, I managed to get 5 hours last night, so I'm one up on you (though I don't like 'oneupmanship').

Yesterday, no sleep notwithstanding, turned out to be a really awesome day. Went through the entire afternoon and early evening doing something I enjoyed, and didn't notice fatigue or stress at all. Came away thinking, if I can enjoy myself so much, how bad can this taper really be?

I went down to .15 mg/day today (wanted to do .125 but just can't measure that accurately), and am feeling rocky physically, but nothing unmanageable. Emotionally, I've felt really good today.

Ya, dealing with past trauma is brutal, little or no opiates to cushion the emotional pain. But I think that dealing with this sh*t now is what we need to do to get free of it. We've been carrying it around, and it has to have taken a terrible emotional/psychological toll. I think we'll come away feeling 'lighter' in spirit, and with a greater sense of peace. But not easy at all in the present.

Keep at it!

-- JI

rca1004 wrote:
EARLY morning update!

Ug, only 4 hours last night. Up at 2:30 am. I told you Sleep could be "fickle". It is not really totally her fault though, I must see my part in the disagreement (it takes two!). Remember when I told myself to "try to sleep 'naturally" last night? I didn't even give it a chance and took a full clonidine, even though I'm having zero physical withdrawals right now, and I took double the amount of Xanax I have been taking for night time anxiety. Then I washed it all down with a double dose of ZZZquil. SO, of course I 'passed out' for 4 hours, but when the meds wore off, I was "wide awake' and here I sit. Although I may seem full of "confidence" during the daylight (and at times I truly am feeling more confident), I turn into a big chicken shit when the sun goes down. I know exactly why too, and until I work through all my past trauma ( and there has been a good amount- think being "attacked" with loaded pistol held against your temple, that is a fraction of one example, and that one I have pretty much "worked through") Ugg,,,,but working through that shit means dragging it all up and spewing it out and that is MESSY and PAINFUL and I don't think I am ready to start work on that right now. First things first.... I have to get totally off the mind and emotion numbing subs, and I am pretty damn close. I'm just not sure how to "turn off" the dark thoughts in my brain at night......the subs helped with that. I don't want to "self medicate" in other ways, but like I said, turn into a big scared baby at night. It is a conundrum. I need to pray about it, and if any of you reading this also pray, and have a heart for it today, please help.
rca

_________________
"Past and future veil God from our sight; burn both of them with fire."
-- Rumi, Sufi poet and teacher


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 Post subject: Re: Need support
PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2014 6:21 pm 
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Awhile back, maybe 6 or so months ago, I went through an insomnia spell. I would be bone tired, crawl into bed, shut my eyes and bing! Wide awake with my mind buzzing a mile a minute. My eyes would feel so heavy and puffy but I just couldnt fall asleep. What I started doing was writing down what was on my mind, then writing a couple of solutions or thoughts to each item, then just letting it go. Promising myself to deal with it in the morning. I would reread what I wrote th next day, do what I listed, cross it off and never think of it again. Idk if it might help you, but it did clear up my insomnia issueafter a few nights of doing that.

Did I mention I absolutely hate typing on this mini tablet. Gggrrrhhhhh. So hard to fix typos!


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 Post subject: Re: Need support
PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2014 7:29 am 
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trainer14 wrote:
Awhile back, maybe 6 or so months ago, I went through an insomnia spell. I would be bone tired, crawl into bed, shut my eyes and bing! Wide awake with my mind buzzing a mile a minute. My eyes would feel so heavy and puffy but I just couldnt fall asleep. What I started doing was writing down what was on my mind, then writing a couple of solutions or thoughts to each item, then just letting it go. Promising myself to deal with it in the morning. I would reread what I wrote th next day, do what I listed, cross it off and never think of it again. Idk if it might help you, but it did clear up my insomnia issueafter a few nights of doing that.

Did I mention I absolutely hate typing on this mini tablet. Gggrrrhhhhh. So hard to fix typos!


That sounds like a good strategy Trainer, I'll try it.....mostly what "gets to" me though, are things that have happened in the past and there is nothing I can really "do" to fix it, except "work through it" and that is going to involve time, money and a good therapist. I'll get there though- I am going to DO IT!! (my new mantra- ha ha!_


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 Post subject: Re: Need support
PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2014 7:36 am 
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johnny_ikon wrote:
Hey rca, I managed to get 5 hours last night, so I'm one up on you (though I don't like 'oneupmanship').

Yesterday, no sleep notwithstanding, turned out to be a really awesome day. Went through the entire afternoon and early evening doing something I enjoyed, and didn't notice fatigue or stress at all. Came away thinking, if I can enjoy myself so much, how bad can this taper really be?

I went down to .15 mg/day today (wanted to do .125 but just can't measure that accurately), and am feeling rocky physically, but nothing unmanageable. Emotionally, I've felt really good"



You can "oneup" me anytime JI- I am happy for you! (BTW, I got 5 1/2 last night so BEAT YA- ha ha!- unless you got more last night, which i hope!!)

So glad to hear you "realized" you could enjoy yourself during the taper!!! Also CONGRATULATIONS on .15!!!! You have also "one-uped' me there!!! I may tray .25mgs today since I basically have zero wdls right now, excpet for the sleep issue, which might just be a purely "mental" issue and not just have to do with the subs....we shall see. Writing it out and getting supportive feedback sure helps.
Wow- .15!! Great news JI- you can DO IT!!! (I am trying to get some of trainer's attitude to rub off on me! :D )


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