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PostPosted: Tue Dec 15, 2009 3:14 pm 
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If you have read my last post, I'm so sick of life, and I'm so wore out, I don't care if I live or die. After talking this shit out in endless ways to tons of people, and spending more then my share of thinking things out. The doctor's are not going to be able to help, the meds only do so much, and me being able to have a support team is out of the questions. My last resort is to find me a girlfriend, that I can count on. When I was not under medication I remember how much having that person there to support me, was a big help in keeping me going. I've put 5 years plus in mental health help, and 3 years of working on my being sober. that whole time of my life was on hold. I'm 27 going to be 28, it's time I start to build some type of normal life, and if I can't do that there truly is no point of living. I know I'm not ugly, but the only places to meet people in my town are at bars, so this task seem impossible. I don't want to get into online dating, and I have no friends that could introduce me to someone. I can promise I wont turn 31. With no changes in my life by then, I will kill my self. My life is so pathetic and I refuse to be 30 and nothing to show and no one to share my life with. I know this might not directly be about suboxone, but one thing is connected to the other. I need help, and as I said in past posts this is the only place I have to talk about my issues. I don't expect much in responses, and probably will get a lot of when the time is right, but time is something that is running short for me. These are my last pleads for help, and I am at the end of my last bit of hope, and when hope dies so does the man. I don't think much will come of this, but if God cares at all about me, may be he will give me the miracle I need. I need God to do something, or else I'm done. I can't live like this much longer.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 15, 2009 6:05 pm 
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Listen dude, no matter how hard it is for you now, killing your self will not help in any way shape or form. It will hurt everybody who loves you, whether you think you are alone or not, you are not alone. I am sure you have people in your life that care about you and need you in their lives. I too am 'single' at the moment and burnt many bridges with girls in the past, nice girls. But even if you messed up before, you will be able to find someone that is good for you soon enough, just keep trying. If you have ANYONE (not just girlfriend, but also family, friends) they can help you get through this hard time in your life.

I hope that you can try and overcome this time in your life and do not think about hurting your self. If I can help any way just gimme a shout. I am sure there are so many people just on this site who are willing to help. You will get support here from all of us. Please stay strong and think positive!!! We are here to help.

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"The past is finished. There is nothing to be gained by going over it. Whatever it gave us in the experiences it brought us was something we had to know."----Rebecca Beard

"Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it." ---Salvador Dali


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 15, 2009 11:28 pm 
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May be if you read my post before this "http://suboxforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=967" it explains why I'm so far past the point of caring about much. Out of everthing I had to say then, none of that had to deal with my personal life. If you add my frustations with doctors, to all the bull I've been though, it's clear to understand my point of veiw.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 15, 2009 11:42 pm 
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Please forgive me! I will read that now.....thank you for a chance to properly reply

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"The past is finished. There is nothing to be gained by going over it. Whatever it gave us in the experiences it brought us was something we had to know."----Rebecca Beard

"Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it." ---Salvador Dali


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 16, 2009 12:28 am 
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Once again my apologies for not reading that first thread. I do not mean to sound like I am preaching. Please dont take it the wrong way. I know first hand how shitty it can be for several terrible things to happen at once. I lost a child years ago, lost my father, lost a best friend to methadone od, another awesome friend to fentanyl od, several others in prison. MY family almost gave up on me, I lost my love of my life, and can go on and on....doctors can hurt and not help some times. But other times they can be great. I wanted to say these few things so you know I am not just trying to make you feel better but let you understand that not every thing has been peachy. Those are the things I am 'comfortable' mentioning at the moment.

You need to do what you need to do. I dont agree that killing your self is the answer. I do think that you must be going through one of the most difficult times in your life. I also think that sharing with others can help sometimes be of big help(it does for me anyway, even online). I am only 26 so dont think I have all these decades of life experience behind me and dont think that I am being ignorant to your situation being young and trying to tell you what to do. I am not trying to tell you to do anything besides think about your decisions and consequenses too ALL of your actions before acting upon them. If you do think that you cannot do anything else in this life, call someone, anyone. Private message someone, anyone. I know there are so many who would like to help in any way they can. That is the only reason why I posted anything, to help you. Please take care and good luck. Keep us all updated as well please.

Peace

_________________
"The past is finished. There is nothing to be gained by going over it. Whatever it gave us in the experiences it brought us was something we had to know."----Rebecca Beard

"Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it." ---Salvador Dali


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 16, 2009 11:32 am 
Hey DottaPro! I'm sorry you are still having such a hard time. I don't understand why life has to be so hard for some and seemingly so easy for others. I know you don't like preaching or cliche responses, so I'll do my best to avoid that. Although I don't fully understand what you're going through, I have had my moments over the last year and a half or so when I felt like life wasn't worth living. It is a horrible place to be, even if only for brief periods of time.
I have mentioned before that I went through an IOP program in my early attempts at recovery. I became friendly with a few of my group members there, one of whom was this great big former bar owner/bouncer who was a raging alcoholic and opiate addict. He was a few years younger than me (I'm 45) and had been struggling with addiction for most of his adult life. He had been to rehab several times before and had already had more than one brush with death (serious ICU hospitalization incidents) related to alcohol/drug abuse. When he joined my group at IOP he made the statement that this was his last chance. If he failed at this - "it was over." I remember thinking "Holy crap, this guy is bad off!" He looked sick, tired and miserable. I felt something for him, felt his desperation I guess. I walked up to him, a very intimidating looking guy mind you, and put my hand on his arm and told him that I thought we could do this. And from there our friendship was formed. We got through IOP in November of last year and continued to talk after that. At that point he was just trying to stay off the alcohol and planned to address the opiates later. He talked often about how miserable he was, how his life had completely gotten away from him. He had a wife and a young son who he feared losing and felt the end of the marriage was near. We talked quite a bit. He was a nice guy. He really was. I cared about him. I tried to help him. I listened to him. He told me he loved me and he wanted me to be successful in recovery but that he thought he wasn't going to make it. He made some suicidal threats which I passed on to the therapist at the treatment center. He did that a few times and I stayed on the phone with him, talked it through and thankfully heard from him again the following day. Until the day in January when his number came up on my phone, but it wasn't him. That call was from his wife telling me that my friend had passed away that morning. She said he had spoken of me, that he had seemed hopeful and had seemed to have some improvement for a time. She said she had found him down in his home office and all efforts to resuscitate him were unsuccessful. I knew he had relapsed on alcohol and I knew he had a lot of Rx pain medication, benzos and seizure meds on hand because he did have some significant medical problems. He had threatened before to "take them all." But he didn't, until he apparently did. What changed on that particular day, I'll never know. Why didn't he call? He had called the night before rather late and said he needed to talk to me, had gotten another call and said he'd call me right back, "please pick up". I said I would but the call never came. What had he wanted to tell me?
I kept his obituary and when I'm feeling low, I look at it and remind myself how much his death hurt me...and I barely knew him. Suicide is a very selfish act and although I do understand the desparation and desire to escape the pain of living, I cannot understand the absolute lack of insight into what the act will do to those who cared about you.
I didn't intend to go into that story. I just wanted you to know that others do care about you even when you may not think that anyone does. So please don't give up. Keep digging deeper and deeper until you are finally able to love yourself enough to want to live. I really do believe that it's impossible to get love until you can give it, firstly give it to yourself. How is anyone else supposed to love you and want to be with you if you don't love and want to be with yourself?
I hope I have helped if even in some small way. I do care. Keep posting your thoughts here and let us try to help. And if you do feel that you've reached the end, please reach out one more time and ask for help again. I will be praying for you.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 17, 2009 12:33 am 
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Well thanks for the response, and the story about your friends. I don't know why people kill them selves in in such different ways. I know for me if I decide to do it I wouldn't even let anyone I was less then happy, so no one would stop me, or have a chance for any 1st aid. Probably about a year ago me and this girl I know had a friend, who has into heroin bad, I had got it for him before just to stop him from bugging me. This night I went to that girls house we were just friends, she had been my 1st girl friend when I was 11. Anyway I was home that night, and he knew I was over there, so he called her cell phone and left a message. I feel asleep at that girls house and in the morning another friend came over and told us that guy hung him self the night before, the girl told me he called that night but figured he just want me to buy him some dope, so she didn't answer it, so she got her phone and we all 3 stood there and listened to the message, it was pretty long but basically he left a message of him start to finish killing him self. I still don't know how to feel about it or did he want us to stop him. I know a lot of people that died, too many for only being 27, but his bothered me the most. It shocked everyone but life went on hours later. May be suicide seems like such an option is because my mom would talk about it so much when I was young. Even about about 2 years ago, she knows I have a lot of hand guns, and she came up to me and asked if things got worse if I would shoot her, and kill my self. Nothing seems real, and when it gets to bad just hit the reset button. I don't want to talk about my personal life much, but it's not a children's book I'm living.


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 12:52 pm 
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DottaPro-

It is nice to meet you, normally I am around allot more, but I have been withdrawing from medication and trying to get well.
I take everything you say very seriously, I know how it feels to have no one, to feel like band aids are trying to cover bullet holes, to feel hopeless and alone in the world. I know how it feels to pick yourself up and focus on healing the wounds from your past, especially when those wounds were inflicted by those you trusted most. You have to understand stand something though- your life was not "on hold" while you were learning about recovery and sobriety. You have decided that it is time for a significant other to enter your life, but have shot down ways of finding someone, and if you don't have someone by the time you are 30, you are going to take your life? While in recovery, did anyone teach you that if you truly want the love of another, you must learn to love yourself? Were you told that recovery is a life long journey, therefore eternal? And when you do meet someone to love, that journey must intertwine with the love you share? You are shutting the door on ways to meet someone, such as online dating. Let me tell you that I met my husband through online dating. We met at a very critical time in my life, when I was very close to giving up on life myself. I do not wish to share the intimacy of my life with the public, but if you want to know all I endured, I will tell you through a private message. Anyways, I met this wonderful guy who was completely different than I in regards to how we grew up. He had a Brady Bunch family, and I had a living nightmare. Through many dates, we connected and fell in love, he gave me back my innocence, the childhood I lost, and taught me what unconditional love really was. Nothing else in my life had ever come close to feeling this "right". We married last July, and have a great life together, and we are still learning about ourselves and eachother. The issues we face together teach us how to be better as individuals. If you do not go into a relationship without your own identity, you are going to lose yourself. I think it would be wise if you took the time to explore online dating, when you become more stable emotionally.
Don't lose all hope, do not give up. Please think outside the box and try doing things differently than you normally would.You have to be open to new ideas to heal. I am sorry but if you are in this condition after five years of mental health services, you need a new doctor. Are you sure you even have the proper diagnosis for your condition? Maybe you should consider having a complete psychological assessment and physical, it could be very beneficial to you. It is very common for men to experience an interruption in their testosterone levels because of drug addiction, or drug use.Please look into this, YOU are worth it! Also, it sounds like there is a great deal of emotional trauma in regards to your mother. I know you don't want to share your life story, but is it possible to get your mom some help too? She needs it, from what you have expressed. It is hard to understand everything about your situation when you don't know the whole story, but I am trying to offer whatever I am able to. Your desperation moved me and I am so sorry for the pain you feel, as I know it all too well.


I have to offer you something more. Please call this number, 1-800-273-TALK, you will be able to talk to someone and be routed to local services that are able to help you.

Please keep posting and contact me if you would like.- S

_________________
"It is never too late to be what you might have been!" - George Eliot


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 22, 2009 9:28 pm 
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You are extremely young. Feeling like time is running out is a fallacy your mind is creating.

I believe everyone has their own right to suicide. I also believe it is always an "incorrect" choice.

I can't fix things for you. But I can tell you with sincerity, just reading your post made me "hurt" a little. If we share nothing else, we share the fact that we are both human. And that connects me to you in someway.

What has helped me change my life when in complete despair is "acting as if". I'm sure you've probably heard it and maybe tried it. But it can't hurt to try again. Just start thinking positive. Doing things you would do if you were happy. Start acting as if, and the feelings should follow.

I wish you the best.


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