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PostPosted: Wed Feb 09, 2011 11:56 pm 
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Forgive me if this is the wrong section for this, I know it's set aside for the family members to post in, but having thought about it i figured it might help if i were to hear from some of those on the family-side of things too, maybe gain some insight as to their perspective...

Anyway a huge hurdle for me right now is my relationship with my parents. I recently moved back home with them after having been kicked out for about 3-4 months. After much drama and trauma experienced on my and my fiance's end they unexpectedly allowed me 30 days to crash under their roof so that I could take the time to find a safer place to live and work. When they realized I was actively seeking treatment while saving up to pay for it, they offered me a more permanent place under their roof.

Of course my fiance and I were thrilled over this, as this would allow me to quit the job that was constantly feeding and fueling my addiction and still be able to afford treatment.

All is going great, relatively, except.. the more I work through my rehab the more prominent my 'triggers' become, and it's become much more obvious to me that certain...interactions with them are HUGE triggers. That's not too surprising in and of itself but I'm somewhat surprised to find that, aside from my job (which i've quit, so it's no longer viable) these seem to be my biggest triggers. Or at least, the emotions that these interactions evoke (frustration, anger, resentment, helplessness, fear, etc.)... it's hard to say at this point...

While on paper and even in deed they are largely supportive, emotionally they can be pretty detached. I've tried engaging them in gentle conversation as to working on the dynamics of our relationship but I always get shot down, and end up so frustrated and desperate that, even though I've yet to return to my d.o.c., it has compelled me to certain other self-destructive behaviors.

So to get to my point, unless anyone has any advice as to how to deal with this "smarter" instead of harder, I give up trying to talk to them on my own, I feel like I desperately need an advocate to keep from being written off, dismissed or run over. I've tried doing a search for this on my own but must not have been looking in the right places, because I couldn't find any tools or specialists in my area or otherwise for inter-familial counseling of addicts and their families.

I'm looking for someone or some place that can mediate such emotional discussions while maintaining a focus on recovery.

I live in MD if anyone knows of any place such as this in the area. I would also love any links to websites that implicate the importance of understanding, empathy and patience for those undergoing substance treatment, particularly on the part of family members, or that can help ease/guide communication between two such parties...

Anything of that nature would be greatly appreciated, as would any advice/comments/etc. on this or similar situations overall...


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 10, 2011 9:35 am 
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First of all I commend you for recognizing the problem and wanting to do something about it. You are gaining (or already had) a good amount of insight and I think that alone will be beneficial in your treatment.

I would suggest you get an individual therapist before trying to get them into family counseling. I say this because a therapist can better help you see the dynamics of your family objectively and can help you in changing YOUR behavior, IF in fact that's something that will help (it may not be). Plus a therapist, once they know you and your familial situation, might be able to help you work through this alone if in fact your parents won't listen and/or refuse to acknowledge their issues. Sometimes we have to accept that we cannot change other people. And lastly, a good individual therapist can, when the time comes, refer you to a good family counselor. And that kind of referral can be the very best kind.

Individual therapy can be so beneficial, especially if it's the feelings inside you that are triggering you. I hope this made sense, as I feel I'm not expressing myself very well this morning.

Good luck and take care.

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 12, 2011 3:46 am 
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hatmaker I've been cruising around this forum for awhile now, and I have to say, I've loved every one of your posts I've come across. ^_^ They are so consistently insightful and on-target, when advising others it seems you always say just what I would have said! I hadn't checked this thread until just now, and upon reading your response, I'm happy see that's still no less the case! :lol: Because, between the time I posted this thread and returned to see your response, I had also come to the same conclusions! :shock:

Particularly speaking, I'd come to realize/accept that my perspective has likely been warped/skewed over these years of living in the haze of opiates and addiction, and that what I really ought to be doing was focusing my energy on changing /myself/ rather than those around me. In fact, the reason I didn't come back to this thread sooner was because I had a change of heart that very night, and instead chose to send a letter to my father expressing this new sentiment as well as an apology.

You are one sharp tack, and I truly appreciate your advice very much. Of course I think you are absolutely right, everything you said was exactly what I needed to realize- thanks once again! =)

Actually there is an issue with which I still need advice-- that same night, I also finally accepted/admitted to myself that I ought to also get into the counseling aspect of treatment, in order to change my warped behavior patterns. I told my family the same thing, both in the letter and in person. This was a BIG step for me, but surprisingly, I was discouraged from doing so- particularly by my mother, who says I need to "just get up and move on" with my life and not become "obsessed". :?:

I'm not really sure what to do with that. :? It's only been a few weeks, and I feel like I can't trust my /own/ judgments like I used to, and I'm starting to see that she and my father were actually in the right during many of our prior conflicts. ....But everything else I've heard has stressed how important the counseling aspect of rehab really is... Any advice as to what I should do and/or how I should go about handling this? =/


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 12, 2011 11:19 am 
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Even when we're making a positive change often the people around us still don't want us to change. They are used to and familiar with the status quo. Don't let your mom discourage you. I do not think you are obsessing. You are trying to change things in your life for the better. You are trying to improve yourself. And like I said, lots of people just don't want us to do that.

I can tell you this - I've been on sub for over 2 years now. The first couple of months I was still in something like a fog-state - not because of the sub, but because I didn't know what to make of myself. What happened was with every passing week and month I got to know myself better and felt I continually grew to be a better person. I started liking myself and having more confidence. I swear, I'd go through the whole addiction thing because I came out of it that much the better. I have a feeling that you're on the path.

You should be proud of yourself. You're really doing well. The way I see it, you are using your critical thinking skills and looking at yourself and the dynamics of the relationships in your life. You only want to improve them. You are to be commended for that. I say continue with what you're doing.

Lastly, thanks so much for the kind words. It's so nice to be appreciated and to have my efforts recognized. It's the best positive reinforcement to keep doing what I'm doing. So many people from this very forum have helped me make some of those positive changes I mentioned. To me, I'm passing along that knowledge and those insights..then those people will pass them on to others. I have a feeling you will do the very same thing. Finally having insight is in and of itself so helpful to us. I feel it's directly related to my going through the addiction and coming out the other side stronger. I guess that saying - what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger - is very true. Getting through addiction and going into remission gives us a wonderful opportunity to see our previous mistakes clearly and to learn from them. I didn't want to waste that opportunity. I'm actually thankful I went through my addiction because overall it turned out to be a positive force in my life.

So thanks again and keep up the good work. I think you're doing great.

_________________
-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 19, 2011 6:24 am 
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hatmaker510 wrote:
Even when we're making a positive change often the people around us still don't want us to change. They are used to and familiar with the status quo. Don't let your mom discourage you. I do not think you are obsessing. You are trying to change things in your life for the better. You are trying to improve yourself. And like I said, lots of people just don't want us to do that.


My God, were you ever right about that! =/ More has come of that situation since you posted this.. Actually I spoke with my "Care Coach" today and filled her I'll probably be posting a thread about the whole issue (there are some rather darker elements at play here than I first realized..)

Oh and I spoke with my "Care Coach" today and filled her in on ALL he details, and you know what she said? EXACTLY what you said! In fact your first three sentences she basically repeated verbatim! :shock:


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