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PostPosted: Mon Jun 08, 2009 12:05 am 
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2 years ago I was introduced to Subutex with a 6 week outpatient program. At the time I was taking as many as 15 to possibly 20 5mg percocet per day. (It got worse) The subutex saved me from the terrible w/d if fact it was almost too easy. I eventually switched to Suboxone and almost a year passed by, I was doing terrific then I had a scheduled surgery approaching at which time I was still taking Suboxone, Well I quit the Subs a few days prior to the surgery and did really well (unbknownst to my dr). This was November of 2008. After my surgery I didn't stop taking the painkillers at which point I was taking 10mgs umpteen times a day. I still had Subs on hand that I was able to take whenever I ran out of opiates and it again was just so easy for me to wait 12 hours and just take a sub and go about my day.

I found a pain management doctor 4/5 months ago and she without hesitation prescribed me close to 200 30mg of Oxycodones, something I had never taken before. I remember at the time how ecstatic I was to have such a strong pill strength but to cut my story short a little my life began to hit rock bottom. I found myself taking 2 30's at a time at a count per day I can't even remember. Since taking the 30's my life got worse and it had to stop, I mean really give this up. I thought I'll just do what I always do and take my subs and no one will be any the wiser. In April one day I took my last oxy (now bare in mind I have only ever detoxed from percocets) and waited for the w/d to begin. I felt crappy after 18 hours but I still had an appetite regardless I took my first Sub... An hour later my legs began to ache so bad that all I could do was to shake them to forget about how bad the pain actually was, conditions got worse, I all of a sudden had zero energy compared to what little I had before and then I lost my urge to want to drink or eat a thing. I had taken it too soon but I couldn't understand how after 18 hours that that could be too soon. I lay awake the entire night that night and cried while shaking my legs uncontrollably. Eventually the following day I ended up taking painkillers again, it was the only way I knew how to get rid of the symptoms.

I'm still desperate to get off of this medication so 3 weeks ago I tried again waiting 26 hours before taking my first sub and the same thing happened again, I tried to hold in there for as long as I could waiting and praying for the meds to get me back to normal but the next day came and after another sleepless night I was still worse off than I was before taking the subs so I did the only thing I knew that would make me feel better... I took my 30's again. So defeated and desperate to get my life back to normal I tried again last Wed, I took my last oxy and waited 30 hours this time and AGAIN I went into worse w/d. I tried to keep my moral up but by now it was Fri and I knew I didn't want to spend the entire weekend feeling like this, my legs aching like every nerve in them was being tugged at like a musical instrument.

It's now Sun and I had high hopes that by now I would be patting myself on the back, looking in the paper for a job and appreciating everything around me. I look at people and actually envy them for being chemically dependant free, I want that again. I have cried myself dry I'm at my wits end and because in three months and after three attempts to get clean I wasn't able to go follow through with it. I'm so desperate to lead a normal life at this point I feel like it's never going to happen because the only thing out there to prevent the detox isn't working for me. I'm at the bottom of my barrel and have been keeping this to myself. I had to tell someone. I have the will to be clean and a want. I remember getting high off of life I did that a lot and I miss it so much but no matter how hard I try the subs don't help me. I don't know where or who else to turn to. I guess my ideal salvation would be to go to an inpatient clinic to get through the detox. I took going through detox for granted and as being so easy to do. I'm a young girl with a small frame and I don't want to die because these disgusting pills.

I'm not certain if I posted in the correct place but I'm just so desperate. This is a wake up call for me and now if I take anything less that a two 30mgs of oxys at a time my body goes into an immediate sweats. In fact all weekend my body temperature has been going from normal to literally dripping sweating all over in a matter of seconds.

This message is an attempt to save my life, I don't want to die. I am so ashamed that I have allowed this to start again in the first place. I need to go through detox supervised this time, I CANNOT do that alone again. Please someone tell me if there is such a thing where a patient can be admitted for as little as a few days for detox purposes? I will certainly attend NA but I just need to get clean with profesional supervised help.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 08, 2009 12:28 am 
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There will be more posts, I am sure-- and I will write more later. But understand that the odds for being clean one year after anything short of 90 days residential treatment are almost zero. You talk about being at the bottom, but you are still running the show. For 'old fashioned' treatment to work, you must be in a position to just say 'help me'-- and nothing else, only listening and following, doing exactly as you are told to do. You cannot say "I am ready to get better" and then say "I need a short detox followed by... whatever". The people who get clean the way we did before Suboxone go into a hospital and beg to stay. Beg to get into a program. And then beg for rides to every meeting you can find, every single day.

Suboxone is a bit easier, but it is no guarantee. You still must be willing to follow-- to give up taking pills as YOU want to take them, but instead take them ONLY as directed. If you get precipitated withdrawal, just keep taking the prescribed dose and you will be fine in three days!! But you must give up YOUR CONTROL. Taking more oxycodone to 'treat' the sickness only a couple days after deciding to get better?! That tells you that you were not ready-- not even close.

I am sorry for how you are feeling; I wonder if you really know the truth of your comments-- that you will die? Because the fact is, you very well might. What would you do to LIVE? If you really know that you are dying, why are you not fighting right now? Get to a detox and beg for help. Or sleep tonight and start fresh in the morning... but when people are truly fighting for their lives, they leave scars and pools of blood-- because they want to live! Are you ready to fight THAT HARD?

You will find many kind people here-- people much nicer (even!) than me. But the fight, ultimately, is your own. And to win, you must LOSE. Lose the self-will and let yourself be treated. Give up, and get honest. Stick around-- others will tell you how they did it. I wish you the best.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 08, 2009 11:16 am 
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Hi Hope4Life, Just wanted to say that I know how you feel. Being addicted to opiates is a desperate feeling. Please do whatever you have to to get off the oxy! If you google "opiate detox" you should get an idea of options available. Just read around an investigate the different detox options. My hopes and prayers are with you.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 11, 2009 4:14 am 
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Concerning Hope4life- I hope my story and guidance helps, I've been exactly where you have been

I understand everybody is different and makes different decisions but we all do have the ability to choose wisely and the correct path. I randomly clicked on to this site tonight and on to this topic and started reading your story and it was scary how close it was to mine. A few years back I met someone and started slow but was up to a combo of 15-20 or so 7.5 vikes and percs/day for about a year or so as you said you were. I should of said before 2 years ago I never touched an opiate in my life and before then all I did was drink really. Now when I started eating vikes I loved em, and to be honest didn't feel they were that bad for md, yes I knew they weren't great in excess but as far as being compared to heroin or oxys I honestly didn't have any idea how much I was getting myself into. Well after the first year I was clearly hooked, even though I didn't see it as a big deal. See while I was eating 15-20 vikes a day, I was going to school, doing well I might add, bring home good money as a waiter at a nice resturant and maintaining good relationships with my girlfriend and parents and stuff which looking back made quiting much harder. For me opiates were my perfect drug because they made me in an increadible state and for those two years I never touched any other drug or alcohol. So anyway the second year I found my self consuming atleast 4-6 30mg oxycodone pills/day because I had a serious back injury along with outside use still. I would say nearing the end of the two years things started to change as they always do with all drugs.

To finish my story as the 2nd year of my opiate run was coming to an end things started to change, mostly in how my body felt. I didn't have the energy I once had naturally, natural pleasures weren't there as they once were and I found my self looking at opiates as vitamins, like something I took everyday to be normal in addition to feel pleasure. See I never thought to check the facts about how when you take opiates for long periods of time that they deplete your endorphines and basically your endrophine producing parts of the brain shut off completely. And it takes months of being off opiates untill they start producing on their own again. well this scared the shit out of me. the thought of never having natural happiness and pleasure ever again was a possibility if I didn't stop what I was doing.

The other huge reason I decide to stop was withdrawal. As you know it's pure hell, it's basically your body getting ride of all the crap we put in it for the past weeks and months. I feel your pain I really do, because I myself have went thru it just as you have. I will say please don't give up hope because the aches and pains will end, there will come a day when you will feel no pain. Imagine this and keep picturing it because it will happen if you perserve. you go to bed, sleep like a rock and wake up to the sun shining and your full of energy. You have no pains no aches and you just feel great. It will happen but you have to keep moving forward. Everyone has different reasons for wanting to get cleaned up, every reason is a good reason, as long as you find one that will keep you clean for the long run. A few to think about are maybe, your future, your kids (if you have any), your parents, living a long and fulfilled life, staying out of jail, not repeating the same thinking, focusing, paying for pills process we all know to well...

Please read this if anything, I just got done reading your story again, and it seems to me you have the same problem I had. If I am wrong in this then forgive me but it seems to me you were on opiates for a while then got on the suboxone and were doing very well, as long as you didn't touch opiates again. Sadly you had to have a surgery and take painkillers and the cycle started up. Now for me painkillers made everything I did more enjoyable, no matter what it was from reading a book to working to being in class. That's what got me hooked was I could take them and just enjoy whatever I had to do 100x more. Eventually that got out of hand. What I had to understand was life isn't suppose to be 100% pleasure all the time, there is suppose to be times of pain and hardships. without scarifice comes no victory. That made me understand that once I finally got off opiates for 6 months to 1 years or so and got my endorphines producing at normal levels where I enjoyed and experience happiness and pleasure when I was suppose to, I was ok. It took me to finally realize that untill I knew I would be ok without opiates. Now that is for me, I don't know if that's your situation. But if it isn't it doesn't matter, regardless of why your having trouble getting off opiates, there is a pathway to YOU having an opiate free life, but in order for it happen you must believe in it completely. Wake up going into every day believing your going to come out on the other end of this battle and I promise you, you will.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 11, 2009 9:41 am 
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Good post Don!


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 12, 2009 12:36 am 
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I am still doing research on finding places where you can go for a few days to go through detox and inpatient places. I had my ex girlfriend just recently go to an inpatient facility to go through detox so I am finding out info from her. I will post back on here in a day or so. Hang in there.


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