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 Post subject: need advice
PostPosted: Mon Jun 13, 2011 1:30 pm 
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my husband has been on suboxone for about two years now. he still drinks, takes more suboxone then he should sometimes by getting it from other people. i found cocaine in our garage yesterday. he says it is from a long time ago. i am just so frustrated and can't believe when i say things out loud that i actually put up with this.

my question really is he says he gets drug tested by his suboxone doc, how long does cocaine stay in your system?


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 13, 2011 2:08 pm 
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Cocaine should be out of his system in a few days. If you are really worried about it you could get an at-home drug testing kit to see if he comes up positive.

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 13, 2011 3:01 pm 
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so basically he could not do anything for a few days before his suboxone doc appointment and his urine would be clean?


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 13, 2011 4:11 pm 
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Yeah, I've passed a urine test with only a few days off of cocaine before. I believe cocaine is "water soluble" in the body and thus gets eliminated pretty quickly. Drugs like marijuana are "fat soluble" and stick around longer?

The only test I know of that basically can't be "cheated" is a hair sample. Those suckers will turn up drug use from months ago!! I just google searched Hair Drug Test and there were a few different kits you can order. You could check it out.

I want to tell you this though, if my wife came to me, during my active addiction, and asked me to take a drug test I probably would have went on the defensive VERY quickly!! If she came to me with one now, I wouldn't give a crap beacuse I'm no longer using any drugs. Just an FYI for ya.

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 13, 2011 4:38 pm 
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thanks, it is extremely frustrating to not just be able to believe someone when they tell you something.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 13, 2011 6:20 pm 
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Hello there,

Oh Gosh, i am so so sorry that you are going through this rubbush with your husband. Is he having any councelling or therapy along with his sub treatment??

it sounds like he is still carrying on like 'an addict' and the horrid un-trustworthy behaviours that goes along with that. Trouble is he has to realise it and decide himself that there is an issue there for him, so no amount of you trying to confront him (regardless of the fact you just want to help him) unless he is ready himself he will most probably pull in the opposite direction. i am sorry if these words are not much comfort to you. its very very difficult and so terribly frustrating what you are going through. when i first met my husband i knew he was doing stuff behind my back that was serious and destructive but he would swear blind to me that i had it wrong. unfortunately then for me (either because i was totally stupid, naive, weak, or all of those) I ended up joining him in his bevaiour. i am not saying that would happen to you by any means, only that this bloody addiction and dependancy on opiates is the devil and it grabs the best of people who don't realise it at the time. and then it's a fight to get out of it. and you know you are doing wrong and need to stop but the addiction gets the better of you.

perhaps you could just try to quide him in going for councelling to help with his addiction. Like romeo said it could just really pi55 him off if you go in there asking him to take drug test etc. he is obviously struggling somewhere otherwise he would not be abusing the suboxone ie taking more than he should do. if he is being cleaver and using coke but making sure its not within so may days of his drug test with his doctor. oh dear i am just afraid and feel terrible for you that he has not yet reached that point himself when he realises once and for that he needs to address his issues properly.

I am sorry if i cannot provide you with any more words of wisedom. i hope some of the other memebrs can chime in with their thoughts - there are some very good people on here who will help you figure this sticky problem out, so keep in touch and best of luck.

lots of love

x C x


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 13, 2011 6:59 pm 
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at this point i really need to let him go. i have four small children who cannot be around this. he really loves the kids and the kids adore him but i am only enabling this behavior by staying with him. his excuses are just too much for me to handle. then i want to believe him because he is so convincing! it's no way to live.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 13, 2011 7:20 pm 
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Hi again momoffour,

Ugh, this is SUCH a hard topic to discuss. On the one hand, I was (am) the addict that your husband is and my wife never left me.....16 years of marriage!! She saw me through my addiction to marijuana, cocaine and opiates. Addiction is disease, addiction really screws with how we addicts perceive, how we come about our decision making and it's why we lie through our teeth. Our brains are not like the rest of the population, we can find ways to arrest the addiction, but it never goes away completely.

On the other hand, I can absolutely see where you're coming from. Addicts tend to hurt the ones we love the most. After so much pain and all the lies, it easy to see how our loved ones would leave us. I know I never meant to hurt my wife or daughter, but I know I did hurt them both.....I knew it while it was happening, but I was powerless (at the time) to do anything about it.

I have to agree with Babydoll, if you could get him to some kind of counseling it might help a lot?? Some addicts need to hit rock bottom, some addicts need to be scared shitless (the threat of divorce) and some addicts just come to a point in their lives that they're tired of chasing drugs and they decide to give sobriety a shot.

I know this, I have been drug free this past year and my wife has told me that it has been the best year of our marriage. My daughter has told me several times that I'm funnier, happier and that I play with her more now than before. If you can somehow convince your husband to get help, I think you might be surprised with who he really is without drugs.

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 13, 2011 8:09 pm 
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my problem is that we already did this a few years ago. the cops were at our house because he stole pills on a job. he did detox at my sister's and then started seeing the doctor for subs. i am just spent. i don't think i have it in me to do this all again. i know i sound selfish but i have four small kids to think about!


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 13, 2011 9:35 pm 
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It does not sound like he is taking his recovery very seriously. You need to do what's right for you and your children. Addiction is a disease that effects the whole family. Consider your options and do what's best for you. And yes, cocaine does leave the body within 2-5 days depending on how much and how often used. Having drugs in the house is a serious risk to the family. I would confront him (rationally) about it. And go from there.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 14, 2011 2:39 am 
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momoffour,

Yeah, that's the problem with these dang internet forums sometimes, we have such little information to go on when giving advice that people like me tend to bend over backwards to give an addict another chance because of how my wife treated me, but after reading a little bit more, I really think Persiangrl is right.....confront him about it rationally and go from there sounds like the best thing you can do right now.

I really hope that y'all are somehow able to salvage things.

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 14, 2011 10:34 am 
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of course i am the crazy one, it is from months ago he says. i don't believe him.

and because it's from months ago it's ok? i didn't even know he ever did cocaine to begin with! AAHHH!!


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 14, 2011 2:08 pm 
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Hey momoffour -

I just wanted to clarify that when I suggested the at-home drug test, I thought that your husband wanted to know if he would test positive at his next Sub doctor appointment and therefore he would be ok with taking the drug test. I didn't realize that you were trying to figure out if he had actually used cocaine - in that case bringing up an at home test is probably not the best idea. Sorry for any confusion.

I also wanted to suggest a couple of resources to you. Alanon and Naranon are groups that help the loved-ones of addicts and alcoholics. They have websites and free meetings where you can meet up with other people who have been through what you are going through. This is a great resource because dealing with an addict messes up the whole family and you are going to be needing some support regardless of whether you decide to go or stay. They can help you with setting boundaries and with understanding addiction and so much more.

An online resource that I highly recommend is The Junkies' Wives Club:

http://jwclub.ning.com/

This group was started by the wife of a heroin addict and it's a great resource, I hope you will check it out. Someone there will know what you're feeling and be able to help you sort it all out. We are here for you too, but sometimes it's good for the loved ones of addicts to get support from others who have been where they are. Good luck!

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 14, 2011 4:10 pm 
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MomOF4,

Im so sorry your going through this right now. Its a very difficult, emotionally draining situation to be in.......loving and being in a relationship or a marriage with an addict........especially one whom is quite possibly still in ACTIVE addiction.

First off, to answer your question......(as others have stated), unless its a hair screen, most likely your husband's urine will be from cocaine if its been at least a few days since he last used IT.

There is a possibility (not that it would make a big difference IMO) that the coke IS from months ago and that he did in fact FORGET about it. I know myself, whenever I was using coke/meth..........I'd get so fucked up sometimes, that I'd hide some of my extra stash "for a rainy day"............and totally forget that I had hidden it until months (one time even a yr ) later........I always hid my shit inside shirt or pants pockets and then whenever I would go to wear that piece of clothing again.......BAM!! Looky what I found! What a wonderful excuse to use (or so I thought).

So, MAYBE he's not lying to you about the time frame........but, if he obtained/used this coke or any other drugs since being inducted on Sub......IMO, he has some serious issues he needs to work on with a therapist. Also, you mentioned that your husband drinks. Others may disagree w/me, but I feel if your on Sub because of ADDICTION, you should steer clear of ALL other mood altering substances......including alchohol. Its just too easy to switch addictions, being an addict. And, if your husband is using anything else (other than what his Sub doctor has prescribed him), it can be very dangerous. Sub, combined with other CNS depressants, can be lethal.

Im not sure how far you wanna take this thing (his lying/using and your desire to help him AND keep your family together).........you could try speaking with his Sub doctor about your concerns.......inform his doctor about whats been going on. Maybe you could request that his doctor screen him more often, require him to have counseling, and to possibly adjust his dose to address cravings he's still having. But, Im not sure that his Sub Doc would even discuss your husband's treatment w/you (doctor/pt confidentiality), AND....IF you were able to speak w/his doctor, this could quite possibly influence his doctor to drop him. If he IS taking his Sub everyday, losing his doctor and then being w/out his medication, would assuredly make things ALOT worse!

You've obviously tried to talk w/him about all of this time and time again, correct? IDK, on one hand I have some compassion for him (being an addict myself, knowing how very difficult it can be to stay clean no matter how hard you try). But, Im also a mother of two and have myself been in relationships w/addicts........as much as you hope for your husband to recover/restore your marriage, you have children to protect. At some point, if your husband dosen't get clean, you'll need to take steps to protect yourself and your children. Im by no means telling you that you should leave your husband if things don't change. But, having been in the same situation, I KNOW that after awhile ALL OF THIS can take a toll on you......as a mother especially. I finally left my seven yr old's father, after a six yr relationship......because it was effecting my ability to be the best mother I could be.

Kids can totally sense when they're mommy isn't happy. They pick up on waaaay more than we think they do. MomOF4, I really wish you the best of luck. You could certainly try talking w/your hubby AGAIN, though you seem to be at the end of your rope. And most certainly keep posting here, it helps just to vent and get a little support. Even though I've been in your husband's shoes, I know that you and your kids deserve to be happy. I hope you can find a way to make this happen.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 14, 2011 10:30 pm 
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thanks everyone so much for the advice and listening ears! i'm not really sure what my first step is going to be. i'm thinking about going to stay at my moms for the summer. maybe he needs for us to physically leave him for him to realize exactly what he will lose if he continues on this path. i just know that i have lost so much respect and trust and that makes you not love someone as much anymore..ya know?


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 10, 2011 1:06 pm 
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See if he is willing to take at least three months sober off of everything but prescribed meds (Suboxone is prescribed). It sounds like he needs to make some pretty serious decisions. He needs to face consequences to be honest. I don't know how you feel about drinking, but it very likely is not a good decision, especially if he used coke regularly. I made a pledge to myself that I wouldn't even have a single beer for at least a year. That year ends in 5 days. I am not totally opposed to seeing if I can have a few beers every once and awhile, but now is not the time for me to do so. So I am going to make another pledge to myself.

I will say that for many, it appears that making a promise to yourself doesn't seem like enough. It seems to be okay FOR ME. When I first stopped using, it took me at least three months to really start seeing the benefits. I knew I didn't want to use, but I sure didn't feel that great.

Anyways, how do you and him feel about rehab? An inpatient or outpatient program. The drug testing will be stronger and he will have some accountability? Its good to get off of the opiates, but sounds like its time to take some more steps forward for him. You need to make some decisions if he is unwilling to do so. I see you are willing to leave him, that might be an option. However, I (keyword I) think it would be best for him to go to a program. Why uproot yourself?

Anyways, I would make a contract with very specific consequences. Make him sign it.


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 11:03 pm 
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Hi, I think I heard it only stays in your system for 24hrs not 100% but when my son was going to join the army, they said he failed due to coke and that he had to have done it the day before because ot only stays for 24 hrs. I think when an addict is active they lie, it is the biggest symptom, again just from my experience. Sorry you have to go through this, I guess it is ultimately about what you can live with. You cannot change him if he does not want it.

Good Luck

Kim


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 04, 2013 12:46 pm 
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