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 Post subject: 8 months in
PostPosted: Tue Aug 18, 2009 7:36 pm 
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Hi everyone, I found this site about two weeks ago and have listened to some of the tapes and have had my with listen to one that helped her understand tremendously my position. I was taking 800 combined tabs a month of 7.5 perc's and oxy 80,s MI and I had no idea how or why I made it all stop but i did. It was being taken meds for chronic back pain but one thing led to another and the next thing you know i am at 800 tabs a month. My doc had no problem writing I just did not understand what was happening to my world and the people that love around me. I went off all of it and started with 36 ml suboxone a day and i currently take 4mg a day on my way to 3 3/4 ml per day very soon. Please excuse my writing because it is not my best asset, Just so you know my best asset is taking to many pills. So its been a long road and a pain full one at that but I am back and functioning. I am truly enjoying life my kids and myself with my beautiful wife. I still have a long way to go but for 45 years old I a am making some progress.

I guess my biggest question for all of the pros would and how do you allow yourself to feel better about your self and think that you are a good person again? I have so much guilt for what I have done to my family and myself.

And yes I am in counseling once a week and it helps a lot but i just cant seem to get past that being a bad person thing or feeling the way people portray us.

Any input or suggestions would be welcome and greatly appreciate. If i could help anyone get to ware i am I would be happy to do so as well.

Looking forward to getting some emptiness filled via talking on this site to people who have walked in my shoes.

Also is their any sites that have voice chat rooms? I would love it with a meeting setting with rules and no typing just talking via a headset and mike with organised talking like a real meeting but on line.

Thanks for listening,



8500tabsayear,


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Aug 19, 2009 12:25 pm 
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[font=Trebuchet][size=12]Dearest 8500-
First,I must tell you that I can see very clearly that your compassion to heal far outweighs your compulsion to use in regards to your greatest assets. Don't let the past dictate your future. Guilt is a big obstacle in recovery.I will share something personal that I don't normally discuss - When I used crack, I became emotionally numb. So much in fact that my daughter suffered by not having a mom to talk to.Every minute of a child's life is sacred and I let the guilt of ignoring her eat me alive for a long time. It fueled a relapse and I had to realize that I was just reliving the past by feeling sorry for myself. Through treatment and meditation, I now know that nothing can erase what wrong I have done to my child in the past and today I love her the best I can, I teach her to love herself, I let her know she can always talk to me and come to me no matter what the circumstances.She is almost 15 years old now and is a great kid, I love her with all my heart. There is a song by a band called Hoobastank, it is titled,"The Reason". When I got married last year,my daughter and I danced to that song because it became my message to her.She cried in my arms because as the words tell our story, she realizes my love will never stray from her again.
The only thing that matters is TODAY. We can never go back and change what has been done, if we could we would never learn how to grow from our mistakes. Writing about your feelings is a great tool and you are the only one who has to view it!As you grow in your recovery, you can look back on your past writings and see your progress.
Currently, SMART recovery is the only place I know that offers voice led online meetings.Check into it at the link at the end of my message.
Let me tell you that I operate the meetings in our CHAT here.Things are not busy at all, this is a newer option here and I welcome all people whether they type well or not.The important thing is that you have the support, so I hope you give it a try. I would love to see you participate.
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 Post subject: Thanks
PostPosted: Wed Aug 19, 2009 3:35 pm 
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Thank you, That was very helpfull and nice . I will live the life I have now not the one from the past. Live for today not a bad idea ha....Sounds pritty good.
Did you tell your daughter? I have a 14 year old and could not think of telling her
Well Off to my subox doc. Its that time of the month again,
Thanks Again


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Aug 19, 2009 5:54 pm 
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I have been honest with her because I have made amends to her many times.I don't tell her every detail about my drug history, but if she inquires about something, I tell her enough to atleast answer the question. Also, her father is struggling with recovering from alcoholism so she is very in tune with what addiction can do to a loved one.
You have time to share with your own daughter, do not do or say anything that will be a trigger for you right now.Focus on your getting situated and comfortable with yourself.Work on building a sober network of people you can talk to when times are tough.
Thank you for sharing!

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"It is never too late to be what you might have been!" - George Eliot


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