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PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2013 10:37 pm 
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Hi tinydancer, thanks for sharing your experience and also your slip-ups. It's nice to know that you felt guilty about doing perks and that it was not worth it. That's something I really needed to hear. I always wondered if, after being clean a long time, I would realize that doing opiates ANY time, even a one-time-one-weekend type deal, would be stupid and just not possible. And now I know, and I believe it is not just with you, but probably with most people in most cases. I think this because it is what I have experienced with weed and alcohol. Of course, you don't get a hangover with weed per-say, but I did mentally. While a pothead, I could never think clearly or have stable emotions, and was totally unmotivated. I figured after quitting I could do it every now and then, but really, the whole next day I still feel foggy, and I hate the ups and downs. Well, I always wondered if it would be the same with opiates. Now I know it is. Your story has actually given me relief. I've always wondered if I could do it recreationally after stopping (of course everyone says no one can, but of course I figured I would be the odd one out, just like most others think). Anyways, it's great to know that it's just not worth it. Now I can stop thinking about and always weighing benefits and consequences. Too many people on this forum have said, it just isn't worth it. It certainly is not worth it with heroin (for me), but I always wondered if with pills it wouldn't be so bad. Well, I think it would be, after hearing everyone else say it.

It feels bad having that "is the grass greener on the other side" questioning. I think if I had never heard anyone say that "oh, doing it once or twice occasionally is totally fine, you never are dope sick", then I would probably ALWAYS be wondering "Hey! Maybe I can do some stuff today! Maybe I can get some pills!". Knowing that it's pointless to question it really lifts a load off of me. It's time to just let go and forget about this phase in my life. I did it with cigs, alcohol, weed, and adderall, I know I can do it with this. If anyone else here has quit things even like cigarettes and today has no desire whatsoever to do those things again knows what I'm trying to say here. Is it possible to be like that with opiates? I think if you really believe and understand, you can. And tinydancer, you will have an even easier time understanding that because you have experienced it. You know how the pills make you feel, and you know how you feel when you come down. You know for a personal FACT it is not worth it. So I would say, it was not pointless for you to try it. Because you now know in your heart to just stop worrying about the temptations, and just move on and find something else that makes you happy in life.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 06, 2013 11:07 am 
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Nice post, Tiny!

I'm glad you came here and decided to open up about your slips, but more importantly, I'm glad you learned a lesson from your slips. It took me several slips to realize what you did, "The guilt and depression after only using a little bit of oxycodone is so not worth the hour of a little buzz/ warmth."

You also said, "you just know that what you're doing is wrong and not the answer" in reference to using. In NA I used to hear the saying, " nothing can fuck up a high like recovery" and it's been true for me.

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 06, 2013 2:52 pm 
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invisiblemovement wrote:
.It's time to just let go and forget about this phase in my life. I did it with cigs, alcohol, weed, and adderall, I know I can do it with this. If anyone else here has quit things even like cigarettes and today has no desire whatsoever to do those things again knows what I'm trying to say here. Is it possible to be like that with opiates?


I do know people 20+ years clean who have gotten past any desire to use opiates but it was a long road and I think it's extremely rare. They are all in their 60s+ and are grandparents, have other things to focus on, and wisdom beneath their belt. For us, I don't think that's possible. At least not now. I would just assume that the desire or curiosity will never go away.

Are you still on suboxone?


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 06, 2013 8:21 pm 
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Wow first of all i wanna say Congrats Tinydancer i just stumbled apon this amazing forum with awesome members and your story was the first one i clicked on 38 mins ago it was like reading a good book i can relate too and one i just couldn't stop reading hahaha. I myself am only 22 years old never really had any sort of stable family i raised myself my dads been selling drugs my entire life and my moms been in and out of prison so i raised myself ive always had a shit ton of friends so that was my family. First time i took percocet was in 7th grade i would steal em from my dad it was too easy but then i discovered raves x lsd and whatever else we could try. Then i picked up an insane coke habit for about 5 months lost 45 pounds and kicked that cold turkey one day..... Then i was on a great path i was sober i just landed a great job i was living with some really good friends and i had a very badass very fast street bike in which i crashed goin 75 mph in the mountains.... i woke up in a ditch at some dude yelling at me asking me if i was ok i got up lots of road rash i went to pick the bike up and thats when my shoulder popped back into place. so full of adrenaline i hopped on the bike and made the 30 min ride home by the time i got home my knee was the size of a softball and no more adrenaline of course i didnt have health insurance or the money to even just get checked out so i called my hook and i got i bought 10 30mg oxy and that was the day i rekindled my love/hate relationship with opiates. and so as every opiate addiction goes i started spending about 150 a day on 30s and then one day my hook wasnt answering and i start gettin sick i hit up this chick i use to be good friends with and her bf was a H dealer she told me oh its the same thing its just cheaper and wil get you higher so my use was getting so bad it was affecting my work (im a mechanic) and my best friend caught wind of my issue and showed up at my house one monday morning and did an intervention. I went from 140$ a day to nothing i did it cold turkey I WILL NEVER ADVISE ANYONE TO EVER DO THAT not only was it hell on earth its dangerous as boose and opiates are the only two withdrawals you can actually die from. anyways i was clean for 4 months then one day i just had that erge and not going to any counseling or therapy etc i had no clue how to deal with my emotions. so i went right back to the h we i had alot more control of this go around in the beginning then i lost my grip..... Oh just so people know i Never ever once banged a shot i promised my self that was one things id never do. But instead i was just somking a 50 of ice and 120 of h a day.and then my downward spiral began my mood swings cost me my wonderful relationship with who i thought i was gonna marry she had a 5 year old son who loved me and called me dad. i lost my job of 6 years all of my friends cut me off and i was just done i didnt know who i was anymore within 12 months i weighed 355 at month 1 and month 12 i weighed 165 lbs (the one good thing that happened)... so i checked myself into a rapid detox on march 27 of this year and they started me on subs. I think its crazy insane how much your guys were getting prescribed that blew my mind 24mg?!?!?!?! my doc started me on 12mgs a day and i cut em in half 6mg am and 6mg pm sometimes ill forget to take the night time half and it never really bugs me. but your story has just inspired me so much that im going to begin my tapper now espcially since my awesome doc raised his co pay for sub pateints to 200 fing dollars per visit. thank god i have health insurance lol. im sorry for telling my life story but you and everyone that has commented on this thread has truly inspired me to kick this garbage asap. THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH AND CONGRATS AGAIN TD STAY STRONG!!!! again sorry for the life story


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 06, 2013 8:51 pm 
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Hi Kyle and welcome to the forum. You should probably start your own thread so you can get lots of suggestions and support like I have been getting since I joined a short time ago.

You have an amazing story and good for you to want to end the abuse and get your life back. You can do this if you really want it bad enough. I was put on 24mgs by my doctor about 3 years ago and wanted off so bad I tapered down to 2mgs without him even knowing it. I tried to jump from there and couldn't do it because of the symptoms. That's when I joined here looking for help to get off the Suboxone. And I got it too! Awesome members here as you know from reading!

Your right about the high doses lots of us are on, or were put on by our doctors. I've said on my own thread that I noticed no difference between the very high doses verses the lower ones. They made very little difference in the way I felt, if any at all.

I'm down to 1.75mg now and will reduce again in a couple days. I'm not in any position to give you much advice right now, but there are so many here that are, and they will too! Just hang in there and get your own thread going. The troops will be here for you I'm sure. Take care and all my best to you Kyle!

Karen
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 06, 2013 11:00 pm 
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Tiny, ya, I'm still on subs. I've jumped a few times but have never made it more than 6 days without relapsing. And it's always on heroin. When I was in active addiction not many people around here had china until near the end of my addiction. Now everyone sells it. It's hard to say no to that sort of thing. When I'm on subs, I never think about it. It sounds pointless, all I can think about is the pain the next day. But once I'm a few days clean, it sounds so much fun. Well, here I am again this week, starting my "rapid taper". It's day 3, I'm at 3 mg. Each time I'd jump, I'd go back on 1 or 2 mg, then slowly creep back up to 8. I was at 8 not even a week ago and got down to 3 today. Tomorrow it is 2. Then 1, then .5, then .5, then done. But I almost feel embarrassed saying this because it's like the 100th time I've said it on this forum. And just like last summer, here we are in August and I start school again at the end of the month, and I have to quit, I HAVE to. We'll see. :) Really, each time is easier. You are sooo so lucky to have 1 year under your belt. Lucky to be Free!!


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 07, 2013 1:30 pm 
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Kyle-

How long have you been on suboxone for? I'm glad I'm able to give you hope but the last thing I want to do is "inspire" someone to quit before they are mentally ready. It sounds good in theory but it's SO hard. You've had some hefty habits and one slip, not being careful, could kill you. Please just make sure you're stable before deciding to stop subs. At 22 years old, it's hard to realize what stable even is.. proceed with caution and know that just because you feel good and strong now, doesn't mean you won't have to fight weakness once off of maintenance. I'm so happy you're out of the merry-go-round, it's a dead end street, especially mixing meth in with your H habit. You should feel proud of how far you're come at such a young age, most wouldn't even get to where you are now. Do yourself a favor and go slow. Use suboxone as long as you need, to build a healthy life around you, true friends, steady work, healthy habits & hobbies. This will all come in handy for when/ if you do decide to stop maintenance.


Invisible-

I asked if you were still on subs because I wondered if you were having cravings while still on it. The way you described being curious about being able to take it once off.. Anyway, glad to hear you don't think about it while on maintenance. How much time have you had on steady maintenance without using? The fact that you don't last very long without relapsing back onto H is worrisome and maybe you need to chill out longer on suboxone? I know suboxone doesn't work for everyone but my long term maintenance is what has helped me, I believe. I think if I had stopped at just 2 years, the using mentality would still have been fairly fresh.. It's so easy to fall back into that lifestyle, especially if you have a lot of triggers and toxic people in your life. Moving states helped me as well. Wishing you the best.


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 09, 2013 10:25 am 
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Well tiny, I will admit, I used H probably like 3 times this year, maybe more, but no more than 5. It was always just for one night, after not using subs for 2-6 days. I think the last time was in June. I can't even remember how it came about. Relapsing sucks because, for me, I always need a ton of suboxone to not feel like crap the next day (well, I always wait at least 12 hours from last H use and do like a 16th of sub, wait an hour, do another 16th, wait a couple hours, do an 8th, and then once it's to the 20-hour mark I can usually do as much sub as I need). Then, I end up not wanting to feel like crap the next day from all the sub use, and next thing you know I'm back up to 8 mg but was at 1 mg the week before! So I seriously recommend people think about that before relapsing, if you can.

I totally agree with you tiny, I think long-term maintenance would be best for me. The only thing stopping me is that I'm on my parents insurance, they would see all the doctor bills therefore knowing of my addiction, and I don't have the money to pay for the Dr. visits anyways even if they did know about it, plus in 6 months we won't have health insurance :( So it's just a street thing for me unfortunately. I don't have money for psychologists or psychiatrists or therapists or anything like that. I even went to a few AA/NA meeting around here with a friend that was required to go to them by law, and they make EVERYONE go to those dang meetings for the slightest little criminal offenses, for many months, so most of the people there don't take it seriously, so I haven't gone to any more of them. And, I don't want to stay on street subs because the supply is really running low around here these days, the price has gone up, and I will be moving away to a new job in about 8 months (cross my fingers), where I won't be able to get them, don't want to risk getting caught with them, and most all of them drug test and I worry of that slight chance they could drug test for subs.

Anyways, it's like so extremely obvious I need to quit, I just need a kick in the butt, lol. And you're totally right, I still need to get rid of the toxic people in my life. My best friend got back on subs recently, but he randomly relapses and when he relapses he doesn't go back to subs for weeks. So, I told him when I quit subs he either stays on subs or we can't hang out. But with him still in the area, you are totally right, it's very possible to get shit if I really want it. I like reading the forums here because I like reading peoples' stories that are strong to resist the temptations.


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 30, 2013 3:27 am 
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Wow, I just came across this thread ... TinyDancer ... you are amazing! I have 47 days off of Suboxone (and all other opioids too of course) and this thread is exactly what I needed to read at this stage of my recovery ... Thank you for sticking around, and detailing your experiences. I hope you keep us all updated. And keep up the good work, one day at a time!


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 11, 2013 8:48 pm 
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^ Sorry I missed your reply!

Congrats on 47 (+ 12?) days off suboxone. Sounds like you're handling it well based on the upbeat tone of your post! I am still doing well, thank you for asking. Finally can say that I feel 100% or what I believe my 100% to be. I was stuck at around 80% for what felt like a really long time. Not bad.. just not all there. I'm still here and posting almost everyday though, just not in this thread.

Please keep checking in.


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 04, 2014 1:30 pm 
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Welp.. today is 2 years off Suboxone. What a journey it has been. Never in all my life have I been through so much growth and change. Getting off of maintenance and having a baby are feats all on their own; becoming a mother for the first time WHILE adjust to life without maintenance & drugs, is definitely quite the ride, and one that I am enjoying very much. I am doing great so far, better than I had hoped, but I don't let my guard down. I am back to work which has been the toughest part of this, I can't quite reconcile having to leave my baby for so long during the day, but it's just the way it goes I guess. I know I'm not the only one.. Sleep is pretty much non existent these days, just for other reasons now..lol. I hope to get 4 straight hours one of these days, fingers crossed.

Ok, it's a short update but an update nonetheless. I have to get back to work. Love you all.


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 04, 2014 3:36 pm 
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Congratulations on 2 years, Tiny!!!!!! That's awesome!!!!

We love you, too.....now get back to work! :D

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 04, 2014 6:48 pm 
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Thank you for updating TD and congratulations on your milestone!

There is nobody busier than a new mom, so we understand why you can't get on the forum very often. :D

I know how hard it is to leave your baby to go back to work! As the boy grows older, however, he will appreciate having a roof over his head and shoes on his feet. I've worked child care in some capacity since I was a teen and you never have to worry about him forgetting who his mommy is, I promise! So, no guilt allowed!

Until next time,

Amy

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2014 9:33 pm 
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2 years just blows my mind. I can't even fathom being clean for two years right now. Even 1 seems so far away and I'm a 3rd of the way (4 months, nearly).. Anyways, I wanted to tell you thank you for continuing to offer support, advise and wisdom to us newbies in recovery. I started lurking around this site on my jump day and what kept me going was success stories like these. I was determined to join you all. So thanks again and congrats. And as a wise man once said "hold me closer tiny dancer, count the headlights on the highway, lay me down in sheets of linen..." So inspirational!!


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