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PostPosted: Mon Sep 29, 2014 11:22 am 
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Hello everyone,
A few weeks ago marked 5 months since I quit Suboxone. If anyone remembers from my day 71 post I had slipped with Suboxone on day 50. Well.... it happened again but this time with something that I had never taken before. I don't know why I did it, I felt great. I've noticed over the last month (from 4 to 5) that I am so much happier sober. I laugh so much harder, I feel better and I feel more content in life. Like I could be happy just being. I do more with my family and I love being around people. I have been staying so busy because I want to do everything. Before on the weekends I just wanted to sit around and relax and I knew it bothered my wife, who is a stay at home mom, because she wanted to get out of the house and do something. Now, I hate sitting around the house and every Saturday we make an all day adventure in town. These are just some examples of how I'm so much happier and more productive and more motivated off Opiates. I even work out now and feel I have about the same energy off Suboxone as I did on it. This brings me back to my point of why I slipped on something I had never even taken before (oxycontin 30's). I wasn't feeling bad, wasn't sad or anything. I was happy and enjoying life sober. But as soon as someone offered them to me I took them. I can't even figure out why. I didn't hesitate or anything and just took them, and then stopped. I haven't really thought about doing them again or anything else. I enjoyed the high, don't get me wrong, but realized even while I was high that I would rather be sober. I liked being high on life better. Anyways, I guess I'm just looking for some insight from anyone on why maybe this happened or if anyone else has been in this situation before and what I can do next time to be prepared. I never want to fall back into addiction and don't even want to mess around with things. In high school I messed around with Heroin for a few months on and off and never got addicted. I could do it for a few days after school and then not think about it for a few weeks and then do it again once or twice with friends after a while. Most of my friends that I did it with got addicted but not me. It wasn't until I started taking suboxone bought off the street years and years later that I got addicted to anything. I don't even want to go back to where I could take pills and then put them away. If I knew I could take pills here and there and never get addicted I still wouldn't because of how much I love life without them and love not lying to my friends and family. I've never done NA/AA nor does anyone in my life know about my addiction. I didn't feel antsy when given the pills, didn't feel anything. Just took them like I was a guy at a party trying something for the first time. Luckily, I didn't like them. I guess the guilt and fear of using again is what has me writing this post. I really wish my 5 month update was about how great I feel being clean for 5 months. With that being said though I do feel great at 5 months off. No problems to report except maybe 25% of the time I wake up at around 2:30am (go to bed at 10:30) and it takes me an hour or two to go back to sleep. I even nap every Saturday and Sunday with the kids no problem. No anxiety or depression, have good energy, I work out (weight lifting) and run. Something I've never done before. Hopefully for my 6th months update I will be back to my happy sober no slipping self. Thank you guys for reading and any support or encouragement or a "we got your back" "we're all here for you" is good. I just feel really guilty and upset that I let myself do this.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 29, 2014 2:03 pm 
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Hey Quiet..
Well, idk. Learn something from it.
Don't do it again..
Ya see, I'm with you today. After 3 years an ten months of sub only, I had a 12oz beer last night. Oh yes, good Ole guilt and shame. Where would we be without it huh?
I've just lately left the NA group here or should I say they kinda left me. Long story but I can tell you that my life has been good and I'm still on a lowerish dose of sub. This way no oxys or viks can get to me. I've ear ed that this one little beer told me that I've not truely changed much inside. Tells me that I'm really the same old guy I used to be. I wasn't while in the fellowship the last three years, but we just don't get along as to who is clean and not clean an bla bla..
However, maybe, as Dr J says, we as addicts have few choices. 12step,use,or bupe. I believe him. I've seen it. So..

We use when things are bad, when things good, when there Great, when there sad. Mad. BORING.. It doesn't matter.
Idk Quiet, I think you have done well but where from here do ya go.
If your feeling guilty, use that. Shame, idk, seems this may be at the root of many of our problems, they are of mine..

Hang in there, your OK, and YES we do have your back.. A slip is a slip, a lapses in judgement, or were we just having fun?.. Peace you Q!!

Raz...

Oh and that beer I had.. Well, it went right to my head and body. Now I know. I became very tired very quickly.. Where was I? At a PARTY..


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 30, 2014 9:15 pm 
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Thanks for the reply. That means a lot to me. I feel better today. Like I'm getting back on track. As I look back before this slip I see that I was too cocky. I figured because of my time off and how I felt that I was "in the clear".. I had even skipped a few workouts which I advocate to be the best thing to recovery.. Another sign i should have seen should have been me not coming to the forum for a while. I've checked this site a few times a day since my jump and it always motivates me to stay on the right path. Anyways, thanks again for the advice and encouragement and sharing your story with me. I'll be around here if you need me, haha.. P.S. will be posting my 6th month off subs in a few weeks, that blows my mind.


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 23, 2014 3:17 am 
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You slipped and made a mistake because you are an addict. You're never cured of being an addict, so you'll just have to learn to put up your guard. Maybe it would be helpful if you rehearsed some scenarios that could come up. Go through what you would say the next time someone offered you opiates. Practice it! The reward pathway in your brain is still there and waiting to be activated if you get complacent about your recovery. Learn from your lapses! That's all you can do. :)

Amy

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 27, 2014 10:25 am 
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Hey,

Only responding beause you asked for suggestion.

I been addicted a long time and am stabilizing again on suboxone. This is why I slipped and maybe could shed light on yr situation.

Like you, one I was "clean" I was happy and doing things and that was enough for me. SO I thought.

I didn't do any work, tho on addiction is some kind of recovery group. It can be AA, NA anything at all. But if you just try to go back to the real world as if you had never been an addict, you will likely always slip.

When I have worked with a plan of recovery (for me a combo of AA, NA and my shrink, who actually IS my sub doc) I have stayed clean. When I quit doing that, I inevitably slip. I have had as much as 18 months sober and been making money and having great life and BANG, that's when it happens.

This time, when I get clean (six months on full socoxone dose, six months to taper) I will not quit going to meetings ro quit going to my do.


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 27, 2014 5:46 pm 
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Thank you for the reply. Of course very shortly after this I had a couple week long slip. I didn't really have much in the way of withdrawals coming out of it, but was very upset with myself, had a flat mood, and choppy sleep. I now feel like back to my old self but am trying to put things in my life now to make sure this, or worse, doesn't happen again. I am only 6 months into this recovery thing so I'm still new. I wasn't taking suboxone properly, I was abusing it, buying it off the street, using it as a drug to get high rather than a tool. So although I believe people who take suboxone properly are clean, I was not while I was on it. I appreciate your insight and will take everything I can get. Till next time.


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