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 Post subject: month of may
PostPosted: Tue May 29, 2012 1:32 am 
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this month has always been the hardest month for me...except for this year! this year i made it through my birthday (i turned 40), mothers day, graduation (one of my daughters graduated high school the 26th, and now memorial weekend... without being so fucked up out of my head. i feel a sense of empowerment, that sub has allowed me to have for the first time in my life. i truely enjoyed all of these with my family beside me like nothing i ever have experienced. there was a feeling of true love and gratification that i felt unlike the induced "love" that painkillers had given me the false reality for too many years. i am thankful and believe in my heart that i did all these events thru sober eyes.
i have hurt so many that i love that its amazing that they are even still around allowing me to share life with them. i been to jail/prison so many mothers day..fucked up because i cant deal with the fact of my mother and then my own motherhood. how could those innocent babies get me as a mother i didnt deserve such angels. they seen me at my worst,, they seen me struggle with the pills i didnt want to do those pills any more but could not quit on my own. i live for them. i want them to trust me again. i see small traces of this happening. this month has been the best! it was great not being consumed with drugs and alcohol or too sick to get out of bed cause i didnt have. it was just day after day of a great life...yes ups and downs but that is life it sure was nice to see her all beautiful in her cap and gown. to sit with the family not all bug eyed or wishing that i would quit sniffling cause i didnt have "enough" that day.
i never want to lose this new strength i have found. i am wishing to share in a life of recovery ..everyday ty


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PostPosted: Tue May 29, 2012 9:39 am 
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Hey wisharer,

Congratulations on your sobriety and I'm happy that you got to experience all those events clean.

You asked the question of how could your innocent babies get you as a mother, I asked the same question of myself (not as a mother, as a father you silly thing!) and the way I look at it is this; if I had to go through the hell that I went through and have my daughter witness it all so she would never do drugs, then it was worth it to me. I would gladly take all the punishment I've taken during my addiciton for my daughter never to have to experience addiction. Know what I mean?

Take care and keep working that recovery of yours!!

_________________
Be kind to yourself. Our character defects do NOT define who we are!


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Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

  • Board Certified Psychiatrist
  • Asst Clinical Professor, Medical College of Wisconsin

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