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 Post subject: mister watson's limo
PostPosted: Sun Mar 21, 2010 3:07 am 
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One Month or More
One Month or More

Joined: Tue Feb 23, 2010 6:51 pm
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WOO WOO, FEEL THE LOVE OF OPIATES. Call me Burroughs, sorry but I'm sure my story will blow some away like a ufo coming down to earth and slicing your toilet in half in the middle of the night from front to back, tank and all.
Woa I just want to bang some GOOD Heroin right now, never tried it cuz I'm so afraid of needles, even a good nurse can't find my damn veins. I'm what you would call a "serial opiate addict" meaning, I dabbled through the years with opiates, not even knowing what they were etc. My first love with opies was way back in 1987, typical story my Dad's Mom had given him a small envelope and I remember sitting in my room and hearing her saying "only give these to you or whoever is in real bad pain, these have codeine in them". The envelope was put in the med cabinet and went untouched "wow" for a few months until one night. I used to always stay up till midnight when I was 16, the teen years were "the hell years for me in alot of ways". I never got along in school due to my personality disorder. I did the sillyest stuff etc, but this one night after my stepmom and Dad went to bed(I lived with my dad and stepmom from 86 to 93), it was wintertime and all I remember was how depressed I was because I couldn't go out where I wanted to because my Dad hated the fact that I came out as gay back then. My sexuality issue etc, suddenly I thought, there has got to be a "good" or "awesome" medication for depression I can find that will cure all depression. Sure enough, it was right in the medicine cabinet I thought suddenly. I went carefully into the bathroom and opened the cabinet and that envelope was still there. It read tylenol 3 with codeine and there were two pills inside. I thought to myself, what's the worst that can happen? I suddenly gulped em down and hid the envelope back where it was. Sure enough as soon as I slinked back into my room, just like all or most opiates that are "fast acting opies" in 20 minutes all of a sudden I lost that sad, lonely feeling and strong urge to have a grown man hug and hold me. All sex drive was lost and I didn't care. I just loved this cozy,secure,warm feeling I was getting, suddenly I took a huge interest in my hobby in electronics again and made the coolest speaker arrangement in my room and enjoyed listening to my music again. I was up till midnight, my stepmom cracked my door a bit and said "turn it down a bit, its late you need to get to bed". I did and was lucky she didn't know I was high. I layed there cozy in bed, all I remember was falling asleep and sleeping better than I had in years it seemed. I woke up to my sad usual depressed self and started obsessing on what this "codeine" was. Fast forward a bit, one day my stepmom said to me "did you take these pills in this envelope?" I said yea I had a bad headache one night, she kind of got mad and said, "dont you know these are strong and could kill you blah blah?".

Well I've been a loner all my life and still basically am except now with the internet, the only friends I have are online and even they don't seem to care to talk much to me. I get the feeling I'm boring and talk to much about boring stuff. Being a loner all my life sure didn't help much. In December of 1987 my Dad relapsed back to drinking after 7 years of sobriety, he was on Ativan when I first moved in there and I never knew or cared back then what all that was. I just remember this teen in school always talking about "maddog", another teen was so into weed that he was a good artist and drew pot leaves etc. I always had this "gifted special psychic sense" and talk of booze or weed never interested me. I always had this "feeling" there was some pill out there that would be the answer to my chronic depression and ambitionless. Well back to december of 87, my Dad came home with a bottle of "mad dog grape wine". He said "dude" come here and see what I got for you. I came into kitchen and he had a bottle of mad dog. I laughed so hard and he opened it instantly and took a swig of it and said"here you want some?", after smelling it, it smelled like gas almost or the rubbing alcohol I used to clean tape heads and pinch rollers etc of tape recorders. I said "no thanks" that smells nasty. Well long story short I got high for the first time on it for new years eve, my stepmom was sound asleep and me and my Dad suddenly became friends all for booze. We went crazy drinking all through 1988, he called me a "wino" cuz I liked maddog and he liked gin or rum. I always kind of hated it though, because you'd always pay the price with a hangover if I drank too much, which was often and getting more often. My dad said "oh you dont know how to drink slower", you dont know how to hold your booze. Well in Sept of 88 I made the mistake of thinking "I dont want to get addicted to this, I better quit while I'm ahead", my Dad and me had a blow up shortly after anyway, so I "blew the whistle on him to my stepmom", It was funny to this day to look back at my Dad coming home from work, with the big dining room table lined up from left to right all the way with all 4 empty bottles and like 21 of those cute little "airplane bottles" all perfectly lined up by my stepmom. My dad was so pissed, that he suddenly just stared at them and when my stepmom came out, he said "hi honey, what the heck, have you been drinking all day?, she said "so 7 years of sobriety all gone down the drain huh? as well as our marriage?" Suddenly he said "my name" get your ass in here, my stepmom said, no he didn't know about this, I found it, thenmore. My Dad couldn't and didn't beleive her story. So one morning he woke me up and said "get the fuck outta this apartment today". He knew I blew the whistle and he said, "dont ever expect anything from me again, and just wait till you go through booze wd's. I said what?

Too late, I was already addicted yet all that time I suffered suicidal depression, we lived near the train station and I was about to jump in front of the train one night. Then I thought, "hey why dont I try one of my Dad's ativan, so by luck one night as both of them were at my dads mom's apt across the hall, I took one of his 10mg ativan. It suddenly calmed me and it helped with the booze cravings etc and I slept great that night too. I still craved booze but not as bad anymore. He even got suspicious of me getting into his ativan, that's when the shit hit the fan, he counted them and one or two was missing and he got pissed at me. My stepmom even was on his side, suddenly I said"I'm going to jump in front of the metra in rush hour if I dont quit being harrassed". What would I want with some pill Idont know what its for even? I lied my way outta that one. My special senses kept telling me, pills are my only hope, even my Dad used to say when I was depressed "dope is your only hope". Well that showed up as true in 1990 when I was only 19 and developed chronic ulcerative colitis, my 1st colonoscopy I was so scared, yet I was lucky to live in a small town I hated being in, because in Champaign Il, I was treated well and had the coolest nurses and she gave me 2 or 3 shots of demerol I remember, in my iv, suddenly WOO WOO, feel the love. I was so cozied up etc, only this time it was so intense that I felt in heaven. My colon specialist who I was luck to have and am still good friends with to this day, he still works on me if something comes up. However he is sad that I'm a chronic opiate addict, obsesssed with opiates to boot.

After that demerol experience, I even remember when I was put in my bed back upstairs in my room, I still felt some glow of the demerol and asked the doctor before he left if I could get that again. He said oh no, that's just once, why are you in pain? I said yea. I was given those lamest of all, lol darvocets every 4 hours or as needed for pain. They are so hard, they always seemed to go right through me anyway, duh I dont know why I never thought to crush em and swallow em.

As my colitis progressed into remission and I was titrated off the prednisone and sulfa pills I was taking which gave me migraine headaches if I had even the slightest amount of too much sugar. Mood swings like crazy etc, sex drive outta control. Finally after years of flare ups and remissions, I was living with my Mom again in 1993 due to my Dad kicking me out. I basically drove him nuts because I hated his Mom and she hated me, it was hell, lol he would talk about what I thought were "ugly skinny chicks", I would then say hey look at that hot man over there. Well one night in 93, I got very graphic in an erotic talk about a man, my senses were telling me, he was gonna snap. HA ha suddenly he blew his stack and it caused his Mom to almost have a heart attack. So I ended up luckily going back to my Mom's house in 93. She was alot more tolerant of me then, very understanding and so glad I was back home. Yet my brother who I am still distant with to this day, thanks to my Dad pitting him against me and my Mom. Well my Mom and brother couldn't understand how I put up with 7 years of that life. I said I didn't know what to do and it was perfect timing because my brother moved into his own freshly built house, so I could move all my old electronic "junk" back home which took a week at my Dad and stepmom's house which was uncomfortable of course.

The breaking point, came in 1994 after being treated like crap at my local hospital and then being transferred to one in chicago which wasn't any better. THe doctor there said to me"your colon is a piece of shit", I said out of sarcasim back, why can't I be euthanized? "what the hell, that's against the law", I said well I will kill myself before I'll live with a bag for the rest ofmy life. So off to Champaign I went back to my colon specialist. This is too graphic and long of a story to tell, but it proves that when doctors, especially surgeons see ya coming, its just like taking your car in to be fixed. They just want your money. Well at least most I've met in my area, however my colon specialist was not like that. After a 3 or 4 hour drive in the ambulance, I finally arrived at the hospital. I got a new iv that was overdue, they said they would try to revive me but didn't have much hope. A few days into my stay there I had such bad pain in my colon that I couldn't even sleep. I told the nurse who was cool too, I was in such bad pain that this was the 1st night I was in pain all day and can't even sleep. Lucky my special senses told me I better speak up fast, well I heeded my advice and said what my pain level was and lucky for me my colon specialist was just about to leave. He ordered I forgot how much mg of demerol in my buttocks every 3 to 4 hours. When the nurse came in with the "good news" I was like WOW WOO again. I suddenly felt after like 10 mins the rush of love, demerol gave me. I slept good and felt great.

I finally had to have my whole colon taken out and I got hooked on the morphine pump in only a week. I was pushing that button every time it beeped to let me know I could get another shot. I was in heaven for a week and I'll never forget my dad and stepmom coming to visit me once and my dad wouldn't stop laughing at how buzzed I was. He said you are gonna be a "junkie" to me and it was embarrassing because as he was laughing, my colon doc came in, and my dad said, "look at him, he's in heaven" I could have punched my dad and said shut up!, because I knew my colon doc knew my Dad was a chronic alcoholic and I kind of was, but my colon doc could see it in my eyes I think. That opiates were my drug of choice. He said yep he's buzzed alright, I might have to start titrating him down a bit but he's looking better now, but will have to live with that damn bag for 6 months, the doc said to me "oh dont worry(my name) you're gonna get wired on morphine again". I'm a little worried he may be hooked on it already he said to my dad. when the doctor left, I said to my Dad, why dont you shut up, you are gonna ruin my buzz, he laughed it off and said "dont worry he knows I'm joking". Well hell all broke loose the day I got cut off the morph pump. It was 4 hours since I had any and already I was getting cold, crabby and about to cry. the doctor's associate who I thought was cute as hell, came in to see me which didn't help matters much because he asked if I was ok and I said not really"all I was thinking was I just want you to holdme so I can cry", he said I can give you prozac if you like. I declined and said no I'llbe ok.

I was sent home to recoup at my dad and stepmom's house of all things, I was in horrid wd's and thought it was because this one nurse made a big mistake of taking me ct off the highest dose of prednisone I could be on and I thought it was because of that. However my special senses kicked in and told me to take more darvocet, I took 4 at once in the middleof the night, because I couldn't sleep and I heard this light buzzing in my ears. Finally in the morning my stepmom had me take a darn shower of all things, UGGHHH I hated it, finally when I was finished, all of a sudden I felt like you know when the power in your house suddenly goes out for a second or two, then comes on again. I was like holy crap I fainted almost and almost fell over. I could not talk loud with my whole stomach stiched up and I was in pain. She finally heard me and was like holy crap and helped me finish up my damn bag since my dad in a wheelchair had one too. She finished me up and got me in bed and I was shaking and freezing and had this stuff a little bit coming outta my rectum. She called 911 and they took me back to the hospital, my colon doc was shocked to see me back again and was pissed and asked what nurse or what time of day when I was cut off the prednisone. After all was said and done I was put back on the prednisone and the nurse who talked to me about opiate addiction said I was now an opiate addict and wheeled my lovely morphine pump back in. I said am I going to get dose again? she said oh no, just in case the clonodine doesn't work and you dont stop shakeing, I was like crap. The clonodine just made me tired and stopped me from shaking and I had craving for sugar like crazy. I was eating orange sherbet like crazy until I leveled out.

What you dont know will hurt you: The next day my dad and stepmom came to pick me up and as I was talking to my colon doc, I said "these davocets dont do anything, in fact I had two of em come through in my bag colored white last night"
darn, he said, well the only other thing I can do is give you vicodin,my special senses were screaming take the vicodin no matter how strange the word sounds. My dad was winking at me too like take it!!. DUmb me I said, what's vicodin? cuz I never heard of it before. My doctor said(my name)dont try to be sneaky, I said I'm not, I'm just afraid to try it cuz I never heard ofit, UGGHH I even made the dumb mistake of saying, is it any stronger than darvocet?. He said, I better leave you on the darvocet if you dont know what this is, your dad might get into it too. Fuck I thought"every time I dont listen to my special senses, I get screwed royally, and royally I did". If I had only said, yes switch me to vicodin, with my tolerance I bet the vicodin 5/500 would take care of wd's and helpmy pain much bettertoo.

The crying game: I cried alot alone at my dad and stepmoms house, thinking all I had been through, that I made the mistake of not getting vicodin, finally listening to my special senses saying "your're almost there" and not knowing what the heck it meant until a month later when I got taken back to my moms home. It felt so good to be back home and outta that "hell hole and past memories". I had lost touch with all or most of my gay friends, which I didn't care anymore. I was still in some pain, glad to havethe staples gone frommy stomach and glad I was off prednisone finally. But I still had darvocets with plenty of refills. My mom had to call the doctor to have a script faxed into our local pharmacy with some generous refills too. My crying started to subside as I started taking the darvocet 2 at once. I guess for some reason my tolerance went down and I'd take these things and suddenly I got cozied up again, the sadness dissappeared and I felt a buzz and was real talkative to my mom one day. I started to realize my special senses telling me that I'm an opiate addict and will be for the rest of my life and to "quit the lousy booze". I ran out of darvocet and when Iwent through a light wd, I remember I was alone one day and went to the store and got a bottle of wine. I couldn't get much buzz off it and was disgusted. That day I almost took my life, but realized in 6 months hopefully this new "j pouch would work out".

The next heaven: I couldn't wait until 95 in may when I and my mom drove back to my colon doc to have the damn bag taken down etc. We arrived just in time etc, I was given some vercet or something to calm me before surgery and I was in love again. The doctor came in to talk tome and I said, I want to wake up with this damn bag gone because it irritates the hell outta my skin so it itches. He said dont worry, you are looking good and I think it will workout. I remember going into the op room and getting high as a kite. Suddenly I woke up in horrid pain, someone telling me to breathe because I'm under alot of pain meds, I had an epidural etc. I was finally able to breathe through my nose enough to get oxygen going. As I woke up more, my colon doc came in and said it was a success and that he didn't tell me the first surgery, that he started and made the "j pouch" but ran into complications and didn't want to leave me under any longer back then because I was so weak and only 90# out of 130#. He said, you are on your happy pump again lol, he always was cool likeme with a sense of humor. I was in the hospital for a week again recouping, however this time it wasn't as complicated. As soon as I started going like "normal people sort of" I told him of my concern of why I farted so much louder than normal, he said that's normal. Since I was alot shyer etc than I am now, I was concerned about this and he said, just use a bathroom as far away as possible etc. I was titrated down fast this time on the morphine, as soon as I started having wd's this nurse gave me a benadryl capsule. It was not like the lame tiny stuff on the otc these days and I was shocked at how well it took away the wd's. Of course I was sent home with the lame darvees again with refills etc. I enjoyed getting a little buzz off the darvocets, taking two or more at a time every 3hours. My mom said "now dont get addicted to that now" I said no I wont, dont worry.
When we got home, that was back in the days when I yanked a nice computer lol when 486 and the processor speed mattered most and the internet was just beginning to come out a bit. I started looking up opiates then and got alotof answers to my intense obsession.

The moment of truth: I was online one day, back when aol dialup at 56k was fast lol, looking up how I could somehow get opiates online. No luck whatsoever, all thatkept coming up were downloadable files from Burroughs book "junky". I downloaded one, got fascinated in it and started thinking, hmmm well if I start hanging out at the gay bar I like going to anyway, maybe I'll get hooked up with Heroin. Wrong, I had no car yet, I had this silly goal that my 1st car was going to be a veedub bug. Well finally in 1996 I got one for a grand. It was a pos basically, but heck at least I got the "bug outta my system". I was surprised at how fast I got tired of the pregnant rollerskate lol HA HA. I thought that joke was so funny and the way they sound driving down the street with that unique noise. I got my sillyness etc out and had a raging sex drive at the time too. Well a veedub and raging sex drive with my underlying junk obsession on the back burner was a bad mix. I started meeting guys and alot of screwing around, got some nasty but easily treatable std's. Then one night at my favorite bar, it was cool, the bathroom stalls, two of them, were perfect for a quickie with me and a guy. Well one night I swear I heard a dealer dosing someone H, because I heard the other guy go "OUCH", dealer said sorry, you may puke but will feel much better afterwards, I heard a beer bottle smash on the floor. Fuck that the guy said, I just want it in the vein. At that time I was done with my sillyness and my guy was too. I realized what was at the "back burner" and suddenly put the pot at the front burner and we ran outta that stall and I noticed the H dealer come out too after the guy puked. I followed the dealer to the back of the dance floor. Suddenly my special senses kicked in and said "dont ask dont tell", I thought hmmm, I better listen this time. OH duh me I thought suddenly, I better not ask to get on H yet because I'm not a hardcore opiate addict YET.

The merging point:
I met this nice looking guy at the same bar a year or less later, he was sitting at a table watching me on the "free aol computers lined up on the wall, like 4 or 5of them. Anyone having an aol acct could log on and be in the gay local chatrooms at same time as being at the bar. I thought "well if I meet someone local they could come here where its more public and safe". Finally a bartender doing the rounds said to me, here is a free drink compliments of the guy watching you behind you to the left. I took my drink and went to him and was friendly etc. We got talking and I got a little buzzed on 7'7s and we decided to go back to his place, which was surprisingly just a mile or less from the bar. We got to know each other well, but he had a room mate, which he "claimed" was straight but just living with him. I knew it was bs but didn't care at the time. long story short, we got going to the bath houses in Chicago. My favorite was mans world I think it was called, I just remember it had two floors. Me and my friend would both get seperate rooms lol, because my type of guy and his type were totally different. Well I thought I had learned my lesson after getting gonorhea(sp) and being in pain over christmas of 1998. Rushing to the county health building and getting tested for everything possible. I of course was given a huge strong antibiotic with a script for the less stronger version. It went away and I said, no more going there again.
I was still doing my stupid binge drinking and one night I was online after a crappy day of drinking half a bottle of md 20/20 only to get a measly buzz and a headache. I was online at 9pm and my Mom was gone. I forgot what the heck I had a bottle of vicodin 5/500 on my stereo cabinet for. I can't remember, something about my first rectal dialation with exam under anesthesia, that's what it was. Yet dumb me I chose to drink that day instead just because the vicodin constipated me. Well I paid the price that night. First I took 2 vicodin, thinking the headache is just from a minor hangover. I suddenly was online again and that guy said hi to me and I was like "why the hell am I online even?" after 20mins the headache was gone and I felt that cozy feeling, but I could tell it was fighting the crappy booze left in me and it was like a boxing match. Well "mister wonderful" said the heck why dont we just go to the bath one more time, its gonna be busy there tonite, just tell your Mom you are going to hang out with a friend. He said just wear condoms this time, didn't you learn? so off I went to his place and he did the drive to the city, the whole time after me taking 2 more vicodin, we got there and it was boring. I stayed in my room alot because I just knew I was gonna puke, but when?. Suddenly these damn mexicans wouldn't leave me alone so I shut myself in my room and as I lay there all of a sudden I felt the peace vicodin was giving me and fighting the hangover at same time. Also they had music playing there, suddenly this song came on the sattelite radio station that I remember from 1991 when I recovered from my first horrid colitis flare up and went into remission. I forgot the singer or name of song, all I remember was some lyrics, "over mountains over seas, like the smile of a new friend, just thing of me and I'll be there". I just lay there listening to that song, suddenly I felt a merging point in my life as vicodin was like saying in the lyrics of the song more I remember"dont be afraid, all my love I'll be watching you from above, and I'd give all the world tonite to be with you, cuz I'm on your side and I still care. I'll be the type that won't go nowhere, just think of me and I'll be there". If anyone knows the artist and song let me know because I'd like to listen to that again at you know the right time lol. Well I was almost in tears as the song was ending, thinking of my "new friend vicodin" and how it will be okay when I got home. Finally after a bit of thinking, I went downstairs and finally my guy was ready but he got into this guy as I was getting dressed, just before I got dressed, I met this guy just my type and shockingly in my town. So off we went to his room for a little action and we then exchanged numbers and aol screen names. My friend was ready to leave and said "no problem I got going with a guy too". My headache was pushing more and more on the way home, thank God I didn't puke in my friends nice new car/suv. Instead I hurried home and drove my pos old crown vic up to 70mph and got home just in time for my Mom to be in bed asleep. I locked up and hurried to the bathroom and suddenly puked my brains out, wow what perfect timing. Suddenly the battle was over with and vicodin won and I slept good that night. Next day I woke up and poured all my left over mad dog in the toilet where it belonged I thought. Then I shattered the two bottles in the recycling bin and came inside, my Mom was still gone at an appt too, so I ate a little something and took my "new friend" vicodin, this time I took 4 of them and in 20 mins like usual. I was in heaven. I ran out of my buddy too late and noticed I still had a refill or two and thought "awesome" I'm going to the pharmacy now, sadly I had waited too long to fill the remaining fills and I was devistated, because I knew my colon doc would not fax in a refill since he knew I was now an addict. I went home, thinking how can I be without my "best friend"? all I could do was hope the guy I met at the bathouse would get in touch with me.

me and my "friend" unite and I'm officially a "junkie":

Well what do you know, like a dummy I didn't think to wear a condom the last time I was at the baths when this "sudden incident came along", so the guy I met the last time I ever was there called me one night and said, wanna come over? I said sure, he said but my "lover" doesn't agree to a 3 way or us getting together and I dont want to hurt you, suddenly my special senses told me, you are "screwed already so what's it matter", so I said to him what do you mean? he said "well I mean we can get together tonite because my lover just left the airport, I took him there and just looked himup and he is way up in the sky and we can hook up". So hook up we did, I also can sense something in people very well with my special senses too and when I got to his cool condo which is a tall building, there he was sitting in the foyer waiting for me. I saw a depressed look on his face, like my senses were telling me"you caught something from him and its only going to be worse". I figured what's it matter now and he looked up and saw me and buzzed me in. We did nothing that serious that night but when we took a shower we started talking about std's, I said I"m hiv negative, he said he was too, he said what's the worst std you got ever? I said about the gonhorrea(sp) and that's the worst, he said he got genital warts a few years back but got rid of it real good. Suddenly I thought "shit thats the shit that hit the fan". When I left he huggedme goodbye with a look in his eye sort of like "have fun". I wished I had kept his number etc just to show him pictures etc of what I went through after catching his genital warts. Obviously once you get this, its like a virus in your body that never goes away,but can only be treated with state of the art laser surgery. Well I wont even go into detail what I went through after realizing I got them. But on a good happy note, my urologist was pissed that I didn't use a condom and kept asking me"who did you get this from?: I was scared to death to say "a guy I met at the bath house in chicago". He was a straight acting macho kind of guy and I was afraid to come out to him, but I think he kind of knew anyway, because after my surgery he talked to my mom before I came to. I was in pain, but had the lovely pump again and almost had to stay overnight at this ambulatory surgery place. After that, I decided "mr Watson" was my best friend and would not let me down as long as I didn't let himdown. I finally for once in my life decided "who the heck needs sex etc when you are opiated". My sex partners went from 20 a month to zero in a year and I stopped even dating or going out with guys. I was pretty pissed but sad that, knowing the restof my life, I will have to tellthis to a possible significant other, that's if any guy would even accept me for who I am with my other problems etc. I thought, this is it, my pal is Opiates for life. Suddenly after my surgery, it was about a month, just in time when I ran outta vicodins, I had such trouble getting my urine to flow and was scheduled to see my urologist. I told him the "bad news" he took me in this room and I was like my special senses telling me to "holdon for life". He had to dialate my whole urinary tract in seconds. No detail, but with no pain shots etc before I friggin couldn't believe it. I figured, "I guess he did that to teach me never to go without a condom again". But he did me well after it was done and I was almost in shock barely able to walk. He let me walk out with a beautiful vicodin script and another one dated way ahead of the first one. The 1st one had 3 refills along with the first fill of 20 at least. When I got to the pharmacy he even called in lol and said something to them, because they were not surprised I was barely able to walk. I waited there to get it filled and immediately when I got home I took 4 of my "pal" and felt good enough to shower etc. I of course made sure to save my money for pills rather than what I thought then just junk electronics or a car to sell that I wouldn't make profit on anyway. I even had to sell my only pos 2 door hatchback which I had a kick on. I then had $100, plenty for my buddy "mr watson". I even started laughing at how all the pills come from Watson labs., that's when he was called "mr watson".

A sad time away from "mr Watson":

I ran out of vicodin and my urologist started seeing me only once a year, well in the beginning of 2004 I saw him again and I made him for a good script for vicodin again with 3 refills. I was in heaven for a month again, I got a whole transmission removed from a front wheel drive car, it was a money maker too, but had no ambition whatsoever until that lovely script came my way. Suddenly in Jan, it seemed warm out to me with my Pal keeping me alive and full of life and energy. I got that trans out and a good used one in its place in only a WEEK!!!!. I got the car detailed myself too and sold it within a few weeks and made $500 profit. I still had my Pal with me too, then some shit hit the fan, the thermostat"which is a scam to me" in my like new 2 door hatchback got stuck, causing the head gasket to blow. I now had more crap on my hands and my supply of my Pal was getting low. I hurried through the job, only to run dry of my Pal halfway through the week of finishing that job. Replacing the head gasket after the head came back great was the easy but horrible part due to my flu like wd's frommy pal being gone. I hated getting that job done and determined after finishing that up, that never again would I do without opiates when I'm in the middle of a big job like that. I sadly toughed out wd's and had to immobilize and only do chores around the house as needed formy Mom. Spring of 04 came and with the lovely weather came 90 vicodin that an ex homeless pos loser drunk soldme for $1 per pill. I was not the type to take shit from him since he already screwed me out of $100 once before. I was in heaven again and got a ton of stuff done and made a ton of money to support mr Watson and me. My Mom had finally had it with my obsession with opiates when I ran out that time and sent me to rehab. I walked outta there in a week after putting up with wd's with no meds for relief and all those "boring groups" etc. I was scared shitless that my Mom would kick me out when she called on a friday and wondered why I wasn't at the program blah blah, I agreed to meet her at the program or be kickedout. Woo Hoo, I talked my way outta the program and was clean until June of 04, when I finally an endless supply of my "pal" mr Watson. I was getting him delivered right to my door, how sweet lol. That's why everytime I see them fed ex express funny looking delivery vans, I get thoughts of love and wish them days were back again sooo bad. It sucks since they shut down the so called "pill mills", it shut down my access totally to my love, mr Watson. However I wore out my welcome with him. I skyrocketed my tolerance and having no colon didn't help much either. By the end of 2004 I was taking 6 to 7 10/500 just to get same effect as one or 2 in the beginning. 2005 came in like hell with me wd'ing more and more and having the credit card maxed out. I ended up realizing my time with mr Watson was coming to a sad end and H would have to take his place. But I can't trust NO ONE, I have no friends and had no friends online either so I was screwed. Mr Watson packed up his bags so to speak in early Feb of 2005. I had two orders of 120 norco's coming and figured I'd "go out like a blast before detox". So I did, I went through 240 10/500's in one week. That's taking 8 of em at once every 3 or 4 hours, all day long almost. I was only not taking em when I slept at night real good. But I'd wake up the next morning and pop 8 more after just shoving some cookies in my mouth to help my digestion. People on another website were like "dude wtf do a cold water extraction" I waslike the hell with that, that also makes you lose about 50% of the good hydrocodone too. My liver is tough likemy Dad's was, so I never cwe'd any of mine. A week of pure love before saying a sad goodbye to "mr watson" due to him becoming very tolerant of me and me "wearingout my welcome with him". In feb of 2005 shockingly during valentines day just like the last detox I got out of at same time. It was so freezing cold out,I thought I was going to die from wd's after a week of fun. I drove "what I should havekept car" in excellent time capsule condition yes a 1985 2 door hatch chevette with auto trans. The one that blew the head gasket, well I never installed a thermostat back in that beauty and still got great heat. So I'm driving to detox, freezing till halfway there and then sweating. I felt I was in wd's from Heroin. I didn't know I was going to be admitted "thank God" that morning in group. I was scared shitless that I would have to tough out wd's horribly this time for a week before the then new suboxone was finally flooding the Chicagoland area, even pharmacies were struggling to stock it. The first morning in detox was hell, that was until I just could not stand wd's anymore, I felt a little faint and my nose was running like a hose and I was shaking. I finally couldn't take it no more and exaggerated my symptom of fainting, the group leader had me sit at the nurses station and took my blood pressure etc and it was so crazy, she said "admit him". AH HA, heaven I thought. I just wanted to go to bed and just had a feeling my bed wouldbe right where it was. they gave me a nice 10mg valium and sent me to bed. I curled up underthe covers and just waited for the valium to kick in. It wasn't long after and my room mate then came in too. He was a totally different type of junkie then the last detox I recently was in. I couldn't stand having to keep running to the bathroom what seemed eveery 10 mins to shit my brains out. Yet the nurse kept telling me to drink water, yet I didn't want to cuz it made me go more. However I was thirsty as hell for a while. THen after my 2nd valium after eating a few crackers, Iwent back to bed and finally slept until supper. When I was put on suboxone finally at 4 mg I think, I suddenly after an hour or so felt normal. they took away my valium UUGGHH, Iliked the way it potentiated the subs. I got a normal nice feeling finally off the subs, no more depression and feeling I was dying.
That detox/rehab went fine and everything went great for a few months, that was until I realized I still had mr watson around. One refill at nww was still waiting for me and I only had a week to fill it. The credit card was down alot. SO what does a junky do? I relapsed and ordered it held at hub so my Mom wouldn't even know I went to pick up my pal at the hub and neither would the nosy neighbors, who I hated"Wont go into detail". My suboxone doctor foundout I relapsed and I said I guarantee there are no refills available anyway and I heard they are shutting them down, but I didn't tellhim when, because I didn't know either. so he upped my suboxone to 3 8mg pills daily. it made me feel better, however "Betty Boop" has a ceiling dose and a nasty tolerance too. Lol my ex roommate from way back in 2005 sure seemed to know his shit, he told me that already suboxone was trickling onto the streets of Chitown for $20 whopping bucks a pill for 8mg, because it was so hard to find then and so expensive. Iwas kind of pissed that he surrounded himself amongst his own circle of friends at my first successful detox and rehab, mainly because I dont and am one very rare junkie who does not smoke at all, not even weed. He did however give me his number and offer me to come to the NA meeting at the halfway house he was going to. Now I look back and kind of wish I had gone, but I dont think I would have got very far as far as junkie street smarts etc and how to avoid the internet pillmills. My senses told me to stay away fromhim for some reason, good thing I did, because out of the craziest circumstances my Mom found out through a friend of a friend, that the same halfway house that ex roomie was at was raided by who elseof couse except the dea. I guess where there's a willthere's a way and people where sneaking lots of drugs in there etc and it was a big party. I can't blame that for happening though, because the poor people who were there were basically abandoned by their family just like the room mate I had then and the type of work they had to do was temp work, the type of work that even suboxone could not even help people cope with lol. So I"mtotally sympathetic to what happened there. too badd a good thing went bad. Some loser probably got stiffed pretty good or just some angry inpatient I bet blew the whistle. Someone always has to come along and ruin it for everyone. But as far as me, I just drifted through 2005 doing OK. However sadly as my tolerance grew to subs, my desire to get high grew more and more, until I was taking 5 suboxone at once to get high, oh it worked too. Only for 4 hours, but at least I could get some stuff basic stuff needed to be done around the house. This titrated up through the beginning of 2006 until I finally had it with life. I wound up in the ER on my damn birthday of all things. Turned out my intestines had got wrapped so tight by scar tissue that nothing could get through. That was the surgery from hell. When I got outta that hospital, I decided not only will I never have surgery there again, but I decided it was time to get HIGH as a kite. I ordered from the rop's, wow they were still up and running. Sadly I wasted alot of norco to bust through 3 8mg suboxones daily. I'd have to stop the subs and hide em frommy mom because she gave emout to me everyday. I would then sneak em in a good place until wd's were bad, I'd then take only as much norco to keep wd's at bay for a day or two. Then I would puke and start taking 7 or 8 at a time again to get high and then I'd only get a 3 days worth of a buzz, which wasn't that great either. I decided it was time to end this.
END OF PART ONE,watch for part two coming tomorrow or next day.


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 21, 2010 4:43 pm 
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After being on other drug sites dedicated to opiates, I learned that just like in the real world, nobody wants to hear my "crap" and I have no friends online either. I decided to go on methadone since suboxone wasn't doing much for me anymore except barely keeping me outta wd's. In august of 06 I started on mmt, they dosed me 30mg starting dose on the wafers and let me sit up front for an hour to observe me. I was a little afraid but not much, suddenly I felt the methadone slowly creeping up on me, taking away wd's and after an hour I was really feeling great. They let me leave and I of course was to come in every morning and get used to waking up early, which I had a hell of a time doing for months since I was used to waking up around 11am when on subs or my drug of choice, norco 10's. I was lucky that at the same time I had another refill of norco's to pick up, because the methadone started wearing off after 4 hours and by 4pm I was getting sad, etc until I couldn't take it anymore and I took 4 norco 10's. I felt better again and had to keep this up just to keep wd's away for the first month on mmt. I was titrated up kind of fast per my doctor at the clinic. He would give me a 20mg increase order once a week, until I finally levelled out at 150mg a day and didn't need the norco's anymore. This was just in time, because i had just picked up my last refill and then about a month later, sadly NWW was shut down. To this day, I wished I had printed out a color copy of their homepage and framed it, so I could oooo and ahhh during times like these when I'm so down. I was on mmt from 2006 until just a month and a week ago. I had finally had it with this person I hated there and was sick of being treated like a cow. I was at 150mg and made an appt to see the doctor there to find out the truth of what was going on there against me by this person I hated. Turned out he did NOT even have my most recent, important ekg, which my family doc/sub doctor did in his office and told me the methadone was causing this skip etc or whatever in my heartbeat. That was the breaking point, I told the doctor I'm fed up with the crap this person is doing against me, he then said "how you feeling on the 150mg?" I said, you know what I feel like I am not even taking it, but I am. When he talked about possibly increasing my dose, I was glad I was all paid up for the week. I had my "revenge plan" all ready and was strong willed to pull through it. Sat I went in for the last time and dosed and got my only take home for sun because they are closed. Sunday this past feb 10 or 11, I took my last dose take home, monday I didn't go in and slept in until 8 am. Gotup and was on the computer just goofing off, when my Mom said "you better call your ex suboxone docs office before they get busy". I was like what the heck am I doing, so I called at 8:30ish and got his nurse, who called back like 10 mins or less and said I needed to go right to detox, where I found myself shockingly in the same bed and room I was in back in 2005, after getting off a huge norco habit and getting on suboxone for the 1st time. Flashbacks and memories, mostly good but some bad, kept my mind off wd's I was just starting to suffer because after my Mom left and wished me good luck it was well past 9:30am, 24 hours past my last methadone dose. I was given my usual 20mg of valium and told to stay in bed the 1st day like before. My room mate, who was totally different from my 1st detox stay introduced himself to me right away. He asked me what I was in for and I asked what he was in for. Due to confidentiality, all I will say is, he was like "holy crap" when I said what I was in for. He began asking me all these questions about mmt and he thought it was the most potent opiate out there. I said well it used to be, but now designer drugs like Fentanyl are way stronger than methadone even. But mmt is "strong stuff". He was shocked at how I could just jump ct off 150mg. I think I also scared the crap outta the clinic too, which was my revenge plan. I also toldmy mom not to answer the phone and only let the machine pick up calls. By day 2 I called her and said I was in such a hurry that I forgot to have her bring in my clothes and I had not taken a shower in like 4 days. She called back a few mins later and said "guess who just called?" I knew right away and I said "the bitch" from the clinic, yep, I she said was so ticked that I had everything I could do to get on her case for doing the crap she did to me. I said what happened, she said this person asked for me and my mom said "he isn't here now", "well when will he be back?" my mom answered sarcasticly lol, "I dont know", "well this is so and so from the clinic and I'm just checkingup to see why he hasn't come in the past few days". my Mom immediately hung up on her lol haha, then called me right away. I said "good ha ha", my revenge on her has succeded real good, now lets keep talking so she can't get through. We did for a while and my mom said, well I dont want to run your battery down and I dont know where your charger is. I said no big deal just come in with my clothes today. She did and I finally took a shower. She had to leave after visiting hours were over, they had strange hours during the weeek for visiting, but more cool and relaxed for the weekend. Well my room mate helped keep my mind off the insanity by teaching me some basic social skills to deal with crappy people in the real world, he also showed me his cool phone which I instantly got a kick on. By day 4, I was really starting to wd bad, my doctor was there to see me in the morning and I was so relieved that I could barely walk and sit in his office with blurred vision etc. I was then dosed 4mg suboxone and was observed in a chair. I knew the routine from being on subs before. I counted the mins after they dissolved, after 10mins I got up and went tomy room and sat at the edgeof the bed looking around and waiting for its effects. Finally my depression started going away and my roommate said, wow are you ok? I said yea I'm doing pretty good actually. I was doing great until I gotoutta detox, up to this point I have slowly been "eroding away to barely even getting stuff done around the house" My sub doc put me up to 2 8mg subs daily just this past week when I saw him, all worried I'd get kicked off since i missed a meeting. Lucky forme he was busy and forgot all about it and gave me my script. I filled it right away and I take all my scripts to cvs. THen suddenly this pharmacist who I never met before was giving me all this bullshit about, "I can't give you subs if you are on valium and xanax. I said, I quit the xanax, then he filled it anyway and it surprisingly didn't cost me much for the subs. But sadly for the past week my ambition has dissappeared beneath the milky way to the point where its daunting to even think about packing up two pos items I got a paltry amount on crappy ebay for, for my hassle of packing these items up, I should have started one at $100 and the other at $50, but I'm like in a haze of depression which is only getting worse so that I just want to jump in front of the metra and end my pathetic life. My psychiatrist has me on 200mg of tegretol 2x daily and I see him soon. That is not doing anything for my depression and I've been on that since march 10. My special senses keep telling me that I'm going to be screwed, back on mmt and back where I started from. At this point I dont even care, I like most junkies just want to feel some buzz and I dont feel anything really on the 2 8mg subs I'm taking right now. So sad, I thought all was going to go great, but my doctor at the clinic warned me that if I went backon suboxone, that it would never work like the 1st time and I'd end up using and relapsing again andor backon mmt. Which doesn't bother me either way at this point.

Point of no return: Suddenly yesterday, March 20th I woke up in a depressed haze, my Mom gave me my 1st 8mg suboxone for the day, I took it the proper way, sat at the computer while I waited 20mins for it to kick in so I could get enough ambition to take a shower, which I hadn't taken in 3 or so days. I went to shave first and knocked a glass down off the damn sink AGAIN, I was cussing and just had it and was ready to smash everything. I finished shaving just in time for my pos shaver to run out and need to be recharged. So I went in the shower and made funny silly noises like usual to get my mind off the stress of life. After my shower I felt just depressed, drained of energy and no ambition whatsoever. My Mom gaveme my valium 20mg and that didn't help much. I piddled around for a while and my Momhad lunch, all of a sudden I was just dead tired and so fullof rage that I said "sorry but I just can'tdo anything because I'm afraid I'll bust up everything in the house", she knew when I'm in that mood to say just lay down then. I did and slept until suppertime. After supper, I was so depressed, I figured maybe another sub would help. No luck, all I feltlike doing was writing this story, that I know most people will think is a hopeless cause, which is the story of my life. I feel like I'm at the point of no return in my life right now and that I'm either going to wind up back on mmt, get lucky and get high again, or jump in front of the metra. I'm most likely going to wind up back on mmt, since my special senses keep telling me that. I feel I should have listened to the doctor at the clinic, but then all that bs came up with my heart and I said, "you know what, who cares if I suddenly have my heart just stop beating and I die" because I dont even value my life at this point, I'll even sign a full release of liability to the clinic if it comes to that so they can up, up up my dose until I can maybe function again. Well that's my long story of an addict gone horribly wrong. I am a rare but sad find. Hope my long story(if anyone read it all) both part one and two, has not caused any negative impact on anyone. I just hope by sharing this story, that any strong willed addicts like me out there, dont wind up in the "boat" I'm in, because you will most likely regret it for the rest of your life like I am doing. Tolerance is the worst thing about opiates and I am not in anyway happy about my tolerance and I hope this story doesn't cause, fear, bad feelings etc, just info about my life as an opiate addict who is strong willed.


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 21, 2010 8:44 pm 
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Wow-Thanks for sharing your story. It has been quite a journey. This disease does suck but you know alot has to do with your attitude about your recovery. You have to want this........really bad. And sometimes it takes more pain to get rid of the pain. You sharing your story may help some people you never know. I would not give up on sub yet. Remember as much as you want to be high suboxone is not suppose to make you high it is to help with your cravings. I have never been on methadone but I was too afraid to do it because of all the stories I had heard about it. I would sit down and make a list about what your passions are........what is it you really want. I don't believe it's death...you may feel that way but it will cause more pain than you know especially your mom who sounds like she really supports you and even sounds like she is your best friend. I hope you try this sub thing again and really work on it and stay close to us and you can make it. We can help you deal with your problems and questions. I am glad your going to your therapist soon. Tell him/her that the medicine is not working...tell him/her how you are feeling...the suicidal thoughts, depression, the feeling that no one cares. Ask how to work on those resentments you have especially against that nurse. Alll your revenge did is cause you more pain through w/d. I think you said you were 39 yrs old. You are a miracle........a living miracle to have survived everything you have gone through. Think about what makes you happy and I am not talking about getting high makes you happy. In order to love you have to love yourself........when you do others can then love you too. I hope you stick with it. Work with the doctors take control of your recovery and beleive that I believe you can do this.


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 21, 2010 11:48 pm 
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Thanks for sharing your story and I did get through all of it. I hope you are just as stubborn about your suboxone and recovery so you can get your life back. I completely understand being at the end of your rope and ready to end it all because the life of an addict is exhausting and not just the using part. Everything that led up to the using part is exhausting too. There is a life for you on the suboxone however and if you HAVE to go back to the methadone then so be it but it sounds like that wasn't too healthy for you physically and dealing with the clinic. Hopefully this is a little easier. I'm glad your mom is holding the script. Sounds like that ought to keep you safer at least for a while. I wish you the best and am glad you felt comfortable sharing with us.

Take care!
Cherie


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 22, 2010 12:01 am 
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Hi re raise,
Glad you were able to read my story, I guess you can say I'm a very different person. I get obsessed with stuff, I burnt my hobby with electronics and collecting old electronics and working on cars, into the ground so bad that its a daunting task just to sell and pack up the stupid stuff I sell on ebay. I feel so hopeless right now, that I dont know what to do. All I can do is wait until the 11th of April when it has been at least 2 months off methadone to really tell if suboxone will stay or not. I know its not to get you high, but when I was first on it, at least I had no cravings and I was ambitious enough to do stuff. Now I'm just ambitionless. as far as setting a list of goals for myself, well that seems impossible right now, being a gay man and celibate since 2006 or earlier. I feel after catching the std I had to have surgery on, I feel so betrayed by the world, that I felt perfectly happy with no sex drive and not going out anymore with any guys. Now this time in detox, suddenly things started coming back to me like crazy. My desire to have a man in my life to take the place of my Mom, God forbid when she passes on, because me and my brother could not stand living together. Even though we agreed to live in seperate quarters etc, I'm sure he would come over to my house(we agreed to live farther out in the country). We agreed that if neither of us found miss or me mister wonderful, that we would have to have 2 houses in a big property, so we could live our silly dream as well. SUch as spectator racing cars and crashing em up and riding go carts etc anywhere on our property whenever we wanted. I even want to get an old claw foot tublin and douse it with gasoline and put a toilet in there and fill the bowl and tank with a few gallons of gas and light it from way far away. Then laugh so hard and make a video of it and put the results on youtube, if youtube is still allowing videos to be uploaded then. I like to do very funny stuff, I have funny kicks etc and very strange ways about my personality, which of course scares alot of "normal" people away, but as far as the addiction part goes. I dont know what to say,other than all I want to feel is that same feeling I get on opiates, that warm glow of happiness that causes such ambition to do anything I need to do. I know this sounds crazy, maybe I'm expecting too much from subs. I know alot of stuff about methadone after being on it for so long and what worries me is, my doctor at the mmt clinic told me that if I ever go back on suboxone again, that it will never work again like before and that I most likely will be sent back on methadone. I guess that's what all the rage is about, "the waiting game". I'm worried that its not gonna work out, that I'm going to fall away from NA meetings which I dont want to comment about, since I dont want to offend anyone either way. But I just can only sit here and wait from day to day, waiting for something to happen, for something to "break" or "make it". By the way, I have a battle scar to show for methadone at high doses. I just had one of my loose teeth yanked a few weeks ago. I was glad to have it out because it had completely seperated from the gumline and when I saw this nice dentist, he said it looked like the only thing holding it in was my bone. Sure enough, after seeing it was unsavable, he numbed me up good and yanked it with little effort and showed me just the tip of the underneath of the tooth was the only thing keeping me from wiggling it out myself. So now I am missing one tooth to the left of the middle one on my lower jaw, luckily it can't be seen even if and when I smile. Well I gotta get to bed, long day tomorrow UGGH.


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 22, 2010 7:52 am 
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subcozied,

They way I understand it, going from methadone to suboxone IS a difficult process. I am sorry you are having a hard time with the "waiting game" because that game ALWAYS seems to take 10 times longer than real time. You seem to really miss the "high" and the warm glow from opiates. You have also posted that you have anxiety and a couple of other psychiatric problems were mentioned in other posts as well. I can imagine that those all create a greater sense of discomfort when you aren't masking them with an opiate. Are you receiving treatment for any of the other conditions? Is there any medication treatment for any of them? Suboxone can take away your cravings that result from physical withdrawal and I find it helps with the psychological part as well because when I am not on it I just feel so depressed and so raw. But there are still times in the day when I want to take something or think about when my next suboxone dose is going to be. Those feelings do not resolve with the suboxone and those are the ones I deal with in therapy. I don't find that NA does anything to help me deal with those and in fact I find NA makes those worse.

So right now in therapy (as one example) we have been talking about my angst over what sounds like a typical mid life crisis. I feel like I have no purpose and I don't feel like there is anything in my life done with intent. When I am at work in a job I don't hate but am not in love with, I will get that feeling like I want to take something. In my opinion, that is the "mid life crisis" anxiety creeping up on me. It sounds like you may be having some similar type anxieties surrounding what your future holds. Who will "take the place" of your mom. Where will you live and what will you do with your life. Will you be doing the things you enjoy and/or dream about. A therapist could really help you with these things.

From reading your posts, you are in a really dark and rather scary place. If you are waiting for the suboxone to fix all of your problems, in my opinion you will be sadly disappointed and get to an even darker place. The methadone program wasn't really working for you either and was causing you a lot of problems. To me this seems like life or death for you and expecting a pill to fix everything for you hasn't worked in the past. It got you here. So now what are you going to do with it to make it different this time?

I am concerned for you to say the least. I want you to be successful. I tend to speak very bluntly in written form so just as a disclaimer, if anything above sounds too direct or mean or anything, that is not the way it was written or the tone behind it.

Hang in there.

Cherie


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 Post subject: What is coming next?
PostPosted: Mon Mar 22, 2010 12:28 pm 
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Well here I sit at 9:52am waiting 10mins after sucking on my sub for the morning, which for some strange reason, don't do much. However, strange maybe its because I like afternoons and evenings better, seems like my last sub of the late afternoon helps a little. I'm able to stay up till midnite or so on the computer. I really should be getting to burning stuff to a crisp in my funny looking small cast iron chimnea, ha ha that chimnea has seen such better days from me having such roaring fires in it that its rusty almost all over. I burn all our personal info rather than bother with shredding, plus I have boxes and wood alot of times. I also think its so funny some of the stuff I have to burn in it, to get the copper free of any insulation etc, and it makes one hell of a smell ha ha. Last summer or winter, I had a picture tube deflection yoke, removed from a picture tube(if anyone knows electronics here, you'll know how much copper is in them usually). Well I think its funny, the newer ones are more cheap plastic stuff, the older, the more copper in em. But one night I had this roaring fire going in the chimnea ah ha and that yoke was billowing out in white and black smoke and I was laughing my ass off, just as the "friendly" italian neighbors we get along with, or they tolerate me(us), the hubby and wife were coming home on a friday at 11pm. Lol I was so careless at the time, I didn't care if they say over the fence what I was doing, well they looked from their back porch and saw me laughing so hard, what I was doing etc and said "whew that smells like hell" and rushed inside and locked up ha ha. Well they always lock up anyway at night, but it was so funny. It was even funnier later around midnight. I had some big "lol juicy huge degaussing coils from sony tv sets". Those sony tv sets, I always grab them from the curb and yank out the copper containing stuff. Well I had like 12 coils with the black insulation burning off inside the chimnea and a roaring fire too. I was laughing so hard as white and black smoke was bulging out the whole area of the pos neighbors to the left of us that I hate that I couldn't even see their "hive", lol there "hive" house had the wind blowing just right towards their "hive" and you couldn't even see their "hive lol house", it looked as if their whole "hive" was billowing out in smoke ha ha, I could not even see their garage very well and I thought that was so funny to piss em off. That's if they were awake, this smoke was pillaging and bulging out the chimnea for 20 mins straight as I laughed so hard and cooked another "yoke" over the fire bulging out the stack of the chimnea for 2 feet literally, it was so hot, I could barely stand that close to it. I had a long metal pipe like conduit that I had the "yoke" dangling from at the end and finally the "yoke" oozed like ice cream melting in the hot sun until it suddenly just wilted down into the chimnea. My Mom as usual yanked upen the back door and said so funny"will you quit burning that plastic and ruining the environment". I always say "mom I can't help it, there's no other way to "harvest the copper" and copper is getting mega bucks these days". We get in the funniest arguments, I think she is going through some kind of midlife crisis too, its sad because both of us are in our own seperate worlds, struggling to reach each other's goals, but can't because we live together.

Well my sub is getting me buzzin a little, that's when I get talking, Well Jackcrack, as far as me and my psychiatrist go, I've seen him and known him since 1998. I was like WOW! when he said that last time we saw each other. Anyway, he went way back on my two inch thick file of papers onme and saw that "we talked about me taking tegretol but I was afraid of the side effects". So long story short, I decided to try it, I've been on it since March 10 or 11, 200mg 2x daily. I was originally on 3 daily but I called him and said I kept getting bad headaches all day and was a zombie most of the day. So I'm taking two 200mg pills daily now, I dont notice any improvement at all, he knows I made the horrid switch to suboxone and knows what trouble I'm having. We talked a little when I saw him last but damn I was like 10mins late getting there and I drive fast and crazy too. As far as a therapist, I used to see one out of his office way way back, but he passed on in 1999 or so, strange, shortly after my Mom had a triple bypass heart surgery. I tend to totally delete everything off my "hard drive" in my head to make room for good stuff. Since the past few years of my life just sucked I dont remember much of what I did even last year, let alone the years just pre 9/11 and post 9/11 because all that was going on. However I sure do remember very well the great times I had all through the norco days of 2004. I think I even was getting it in 03 too and of course I can't help but remember the hilarious times me and my younger nephew had great times together, getting into "trouble" yet were lucky not to get caught. "the one week he was off school for the summer". We had a blast, I had this pos 1976 2 door hatchback chevette, I dont know why I got suckered into buying it, well at least it ran and drove good, but I was ticked after finding a huge gapeing hole in the passenger floorboard(common with chevettes). I put a board there one day, after it scared us shitless when I was just lucky to be driving slow and my mom's foot fell through and touched the ground a little as I stopped. Well this one week me and my nephew had a blast in that "vette", ha ha every time I would see a toilet in the trash or I mean at curbside. Id toss the tank top off on the grass and hurry and put it in the hatch and my nephew would hold it there until I went about a mile down the street, I'd turn down a street and make sure nobody was out or looking, it was around midnight too, I recorded it too on my tape recorder and its so funny to listen back at him saying, ok here goes, left lane, left lane, ok I said, SHOVE IT!, all of a sudden TINKLE plinkleee linkeleeliekng link crinkle linkle link as a "tweelet" lay shattered in a million pieces as he would shove it out the hatch as I get going real fast, the toilet was a toilet no more but a "tweelet" in a million pieces on some street in my town, that I hate alot of people in, including the cops. Ha ha, we shattered 3 of them in one night, then i'd hand him picture tubes through the passenger door because the neck was too tall. So I"d stop and one time I got out this huge 27 incher and was laughing so darn hard as I put it in the window ledge as he held it. THen I jumped in and sped off and then got in the left lane(wrong way of traffic), with nobody around and "both us laughing our asses off like bevis and butthead, then suddenly me, HA HA here goes, the 27 incher" sudden silence and BOOOOOOOMMMM!!!, as that tube imploded all over the street in front of a little school too ha ha it was so funny". He would shove the tube out and it sounded so funny to hear it go BOOM and all that glass shattering all over sounded just like a big car crash and then me busting out laughing as I watch in the rearview mirror, watching the funniest part, "when that metal shadow mask frame part of the tube would go flipping and wilting down the street and just roll right into a ditch or just fall down on the street". Lol those were good times. Long story short, I started my "kick" on shattering tubes on the street in the very beginning of 02 I think. I was still on aol then. I forgot exactly when I started doing it. But I only did a few at first, that was until me and my nephew were driving this funny astro van on the highway on the way to drop him off at my bros house. I had 2 14 inch monitor tubes that I knocked the tip and necks off to let the vaccuum out because I was going to just toss em in the dumpster somewhere. Well that changed very funny, as we were flying down the highway at 65mph, he had one in his lap and suddenly here goes a tube on the shoulder of the highway, ha ha I was laughing so hard hearing all the glass shattering all over the shoulder and that metal frame went flipping so funny and just wilted down towards the ditch and went flipping right down into the ditch and that looked so darn funny. Then he did the other one and that was just as funny. Sadly in aug of 2004, I was buzzing real good on vicodin and was like hmmm should I burn in the chimnea first or shatter the 10 tubes in this funny old crown victoria I had that I gutted the interior of, more about that car later. Well like a dummy and being too lazy to take my dumb plates off the car, like a dummy I just went out and the 1st tube I tossed out, like a dummy I wasn't looking very good all around and it was too late, I already let go of it and it kind of just went SHHHHH as the vaccuum went out because I tossed it out just the wrong way and the tip hit the ground first and the tube just kind of shattered and instantly a house ahead of me I saw this guy putting out the trash"in our area too dumb me" and I was like FUCK and loooked at him like "you asshole mind your own business". Well that idiot got my plate # down and instead of slamming on the brakes as soon as I saw him and putting on my brights so he could not see my front plate, I should have backed up in a hurry and picked up that tube and went home!!. But like dumb me, I kept on going, I had 9 more to shatter including the first one I had ever removed the implosion protection band off of so the glass would go farther and maybe it would go boom louder. Well I got 5 shattered in my town, then decided I better go off to the next town over. Well there went the first one in that town BOOM, then lol here goes another one suddenly BOOM, I was whacking em down on the street ha ha. I then had 2 or 3 left, when I got to the flat crt tube that I got outta a newer monitor that was the one with implosion protection removed. I whacked that one down in front of a small row of townhomes on kind of a busy street that leads right to a main 4 lane road/highway. I popped that one and sure enough BOOOOOOM and I heard glass just fly all over someones front lawn even. Well when I got home, I was burning in the chimnea and an hour after I was home and burning stuff I saw a cop in an suv come right up my driveway and I knew right away, SHIT the fun is over with. My first fright was if anyone got hurt or killed worse yet if they ran over the metal frame in the street etc or glass and got flat tires and crashed and burned or just crashed and got hurt. Way too long of a story, but when I was done burning I ran inside and told my Mom what was going on and she said"well dont stand near the darn front window and watch". For some reason the cops werejust sitting there. I think its because I shattered them for sooo long and in so many different towns and even all over both lanes of a 4 lane highway once. One time me and my nephew were laughing how we thought it might go down if I got caught with the tubes. We speculated that they would knock on my door and say(my name), were having problems with tv sets in town or problems with picture tubes being shattered in town, do you think you might know anything about it?. Well shure enough the doorbell rang that night and two officers were standing there not looking too happy, but me all buzzed on vicodin and about to burst out laughing as they said it almost exactly the way me and my nephew thought they would. When they said some idiot reported my plate# and said"do you drive a white 85 ford crown victoria"? I said yea but it hasn't even been out tonite. They said"well this and that blah blah and said, you know you are lucky nobody got hurt or worse yet killed, and this has been going on for too long and its not going to be happening anymore do you understand?" I said yes, they said we are going to let you go this time, but if it happens one more time, we will charge you with a huge bill for cleaning it all up and it costing us alot of police hours to clean this up and were getting sick of it. They then asked"why are you doing this?" I couldn't help burst out laughing as I said "because of my mental disability etc, I told them reason number 1 but didn't say how reason 1 turned into reason 2 and that I was doing it for 2 reasons. I didn't want to say I also was doing it because I have had it with assholes on the road etc and that I'm raged at some people in town and the police. I knew if I said that, they might just get madder and say"ok we just will charge you for em all". I think they let me go, because a week later a cop from the next town over came over and said"I'm sure you know what I"m here for?" I said yes, the tubes, he said yes and was not too happy, I had all I could do then even more to keep from bursting out laughing. He said such funny stuff like, PEOPLE ARE GETTING FLAT TIRES BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPID TUBES, sorry for caps that was him raising his voice, then he said, two weeks ago we had to send the STREETSWEEPER OUT ON SAT NIGHT ON OVERTIME, all because you let one out at such and such a street and it left glass all over the street and even on someones front yard on city part. And last week when you got caught, I had to clean one up all by myself with no other units in the area to help me YOU SHATTERED ONE NEAR THE CORNER OF SO AND SO, and it took me AN HOUR TO CLEAN IT ALL UP BY MYSELF. That was the one I took the implosion protection off of and I almost burst out laughing, because it sounded so funny to hear him ramble on, yet my special senses were telling me, its not like he's going to beat you up, but probably would like to. But for that reason I had all I could do to keep from laughing. He said "and this will not be happening in our town ever again either and I'm going to give you a ticket for littering because you shattered more of them in our town than yours". Why did you shatter more here than in your town? I said, I honestly dont know, I think it just happened out of coincidence because I took a long main road in your town alot to get to a friends house alot and I popped some almost everytime I went down that road if it was dark out, even at daytime sometimes. He then said "oh yea I know just what street you are talking about, and by the way we are sending you a huge bill for cleaning it all up too." then I got scared and was shakeing, I said for how much? he said"I dont know they haven't even tallied it all up yet, but it will be ALOT". Now I wasn't too happy as I signed the ticket, then before he left he said "oh and by the way if you do this ever again, we will be coming to take you to jail next time, not just a ticket and you will lose your drivers license forever." He then said, "and you ought to be lucky you didn't kill or hurt anyone, especially any kids etc". He then said and by the way, you are now on a national database, so even if you think you can go to the other side of the US, for example California and shatter justone, it will come right back to you. I then went inside, pissed and scared and all kinds of feelings, worried that I'm on some terrorist national database or something, because what other national database at least from what I've heard is anything else but a terrorist database for terror suspects etc.
Well my Mom just came home and I gotta run, I will talk about stuff more later.
:cry:


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 Post subject: subcozie
PostPosted: Mon Mar 22, 2010 12:57 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 26, 2010 1:52 pm
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I just sat here an read your whole post....wow you have been through the rollercoaster of addiction. You are not abnormal man we all feel like that at one point or another,that is why I liked opiates too it made the lonliness go away and all the pain or so I thought.I hope you know you are not alone anymore keep posting here,and get yourself out there,be it counsleing,groups,na/aa. Isolation will kill you :roll:....Keep up the good fight,it does get better,speaking for myself you just have to keep pushing along.You never know how your story will help others.......One day at a time :wink: Take care 8)


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 22, 2010 9:46 pm 
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Finishing up my funny story about the tubes, I remember before I got in trouble, or if only I hadn't been caught, either way I used to have to come to my bro's house alot and one time when I came there before I got caught, I walked in and laughed and said "shattered picture tubes, shattered lives" and laughed so hard and said that I had just popped two 14 inch tubes on the highway one right after the other and then I saw a newer corvette coming toward me fast, like someone usually would do in a corvette lol. I laughed so hard and said, ha ha the corvette swerved like crazy to avoid the glass and just before I rounded the bend in the road, I saw another car swerve to avoid it, both tubes were about a mile or less apart from each other.

Suddenly my brother said, angrily, you know I think you want death, I think you really want to kill someone dont you? I said with a grin, no I just think that sounds funny to say that, because, get it? if someone does get flat tires and winds up in the ditch, for example if I happen to start keeping tubes in my car all the time, like two small ones at the most all the time, that way if some idiot decides to mess with me on the road, I can shock the hell outta them by tossing a tube out on the fast lane and slamming on my breaks so they swerve right into the path of shattered picture tubes and then pop pop pop go their tires and they might lose control and crash up their car, that will teach em a lesson. Then my brother said, did you ever think that Mom could lose everything, or they could come after me, because you are just a worthless junkie on disability and they can't get shit outta you, so who are they gonna come after? I said, yea you are right, but what if I didnt get caught or I have no plates on my car? My brother said, you are thinking crazy and I hope you do get caught soon, before you do seriously hurt someone. IN fact I might call the police in your and Mom's town and rat you out.

I laughed and said, ha ha well if you do, they can't do anything because they have no proof, also what if since I wasn't caught yet, what if someone has been hurt badly etc and my luck I just haven't been caught. He said, well then you better quit, at least doing it in my town, because I saw the glass from one you popped on the entrance ramp to the highway last night on your way home, and I dont get up and leave work till 4am, and you shattered that one at 9pm when you went home and at 4am it still was laying there, metal frame and all. So he convinced me how bad it would be if someone did get hurt who was innocent. So I said I'd lay low, So I quit for most of the early summer of 04 while me and my nephew finished taking apart 50 tv sets and computer monitors. I thought, "if I get all the tubes outta them and wash em up clean as new and then toss all the rest in dumpsters throughout town with my plates off and got rid of everything except the tubes. Then One day I could got on a rampage. Well it looked so funny, a whole side of a two car garage, one side just full of picture tubes, all lined up, looked like a bunch of bom*s to me and I was laughing so hard when I showed the end results to my nephew. He said, well since my Dad warned me, he still doesn't know I do it with you too, so dont say anything, I said oh no way. But he said dont get mad at me, but after what Dad said to me, I'm afraid to shove em out the window anymore, cuz what if we both get caught? I said, yea that's true, so we mutually agreed to part ways on that fun adventure. He said, so what are you gonna do? I said I'm still laying low, because I still have 30 tubes to clean as new and then all 50 of them will be ready ah ha ha lol. I have 25 huge ones ranging from 31 inches diagonal, 25 inch all the way down to 19 inches. I consider them "priority tubes" to get rid of because they take up so much room that I have no more room in the garage and I have to keep them hidden in both my cars, I then laughed so hard and said look here on the patio which is hidden from the street well. He laughed so hard at the 10 I had there including one of two 31 inch huge and heavy sony tubes I had to pop. He said where is the second one? HA HA hold on, I opened my trunk to my crown victoria beater and the whole tube took up the whole trunk space and we were both laughing so hard. I told him, when I do go out on my own on a rampage, first I'm going to struggle to keep from laughing so I can even lift this heavy one myself, then all I can do is lift it up onto my trunk after I shut it and fly out onto the street and swerve and speed off. WE were laughing sohard that, he said be sure to record it on the tape recorder, and let me hear it. lol I said oh I will. Well I was suffering BAD wd's after dumb me took the last ofmy 120 norco's and instead of spreading em out for what would be the family vacation from hell, I just took em, because I needed the ambition to finish up my tubes. Well I finished em up alright. I also thought, hey this is my time, so I took off my plates in wd and decided to shatter all 10 and the one huge one in my trunk that were on our patio all in one night in my town or the next town over.

Lol, it was the night before we had to leave next day to my brothers house and then we were going to leave from his house etc next morning. So I jumped in my old crown vic, laughing so hard, I tookmy plates off but darn I forgot my tape recorder and thought, ooops its too late now. If I try to go home, more chance of police seeing a car out and about with no plates on it. So I did something so funny, I stopped in this vacant lot and put the huge 1 of 2 31 inchers on my trunk and sped off and swerved and just heard the tube sliding down the road real real fast until it hit the curb and went BOOOOOM. I was laughing so hard as a huge cloud of white dust went rushing up into the air all over and glass went shattering all over the place from what I could see before I had to watch where I was going, laughing all the way, with the huge sound of glass like a big car crash again. That was the tube the police were talking to me about that they had to send the streetsweeper out to clean up and that was so funny to me. I still had 10 left to go, with as many crammed into my car as possible, like they were cuddled up next to each other like a bunch of bom*s waiting for me to Terrorise the neighborhood lol. I then went into this small park where there was a lake and nobody around. The towns water treatment plant was next door too. I made sure nobody was looking and this time I put a 25 inch huge zenith tube on the roof of the crown vicky ha ha, right near the back passenger corner, then I hurried and got out a 27 incher and almost dropped it and almost pissed my pants I was laughing so hard. FInally I got the 27 incher up on the roof and this one was at the drivers side almost front corner, I put em that way so they would go BOOM BOOM in sequence, rather than all at once. Well I had my headlight off and engine running and just waiting to blast outta that dirt road right near the road. People were coming cuz it was only 10pm at night and that was kind of a busy 2 lane road cuz it went past the community huge college I actually took alot of courses at. Well my time came, suddenly nobody around and I floored it!! and sped outta there like a bat outta hell and as soon as I recklessly swerved to the left towards home, suddenly BOOM, BOOOOOM, as all of a sudden 2 tubes went boom boom in 2 second intervals and one sounded different than the other because one was bigger than the other and I was laughing so darn hard as I sped toward the light with my huh suddenly lights on. I almost forgot to turn my headlights back on as I was flying down that road. I of course like usual saw the red light at the busy intersection, so I suddenly ducked down a side road that goes behind all the stores and car wash etc and ends at the next intersection, I saw a perfect opportunity. I went into a parking lot and did it again. Ha ha, this time I took 2 19 inch tubes and staggered em the same way and when nobody was coming I flew out into the street going left again and BOOM, then HiiiSSS, holy crap, only one went BOOM and the other is in the middle of the road in one piece, damn I gotta back up and grab it because my prints will be on it because it didn't shatter, somehow the vaccum just went out the tip. I started to run and went to pick it up and saw a car coming from way behind my car and got spooked and jumped back in my car and sped off. I was like HUUHHH its the police from that town. I was just lucky the light just turned green as I sped of kind of, then when I saw him shine the light on the tube on its side etc I slowed up and sped just into my towns border where the welcome to(my town)sign was I just passed. I thought to myself, oh my, what if they fingerprint that bulb ha ha, oh well I'll be gone tomorrow and I dont think, hmmm, I better stay in my town now. I had 5 biggies to pop left at home and one in the car. So I stopped just in front of someones house and here goes another daewoo ha ha brand 25 inch tube I put that on my roof in the middle and lights out again, I then slowly got going and sped up and swerved recklessly around the bend to another street and suddenly BOOOOM goes another tube ha ha. This time I stopped with still nobody around walking their dog etc, I think it was so hot out that night ha ha, that nobody wanted to be out. I even couldn't wait to get home, but with 6 norco's in me making me feel real good, the heat seemed not as bad. I stopped and laughed so hard as the remains to that popped tube went sliding all over the street and up onto someones grass by the curb and the metal frame again went fumbling way down the road and just fell flat on the street ha ha. I then sped off with my lights on again, thinking how funny that wouldbe if some typical "my stereotype of typical stuck up white collar trash" came by and suddenly POOOWW as they ran over that metal and it went gouging into their gas tank of their suv and sparks caused the tank to explode. I then thought, well I guess that would not be so funny, because the cops would be ready to kill me then. And they would hunt me down then I thought. I guess at that time I had so much hate and rage for people around here, especially since we hate our neighbors on the left hand side of us and we had a run in with the people across the street. They of course were black, and nothing against blacks at all as far as I or we are concerned. I(we)have no prejudiced views, but I guess they did to us after we did a big mistake. Wont say what for personal reasons, but we owned up to it after we came back and said we just got scared and my Mom was scared too because I was wound up on vicodin then too. So with all this hate, suddenly the funnyness of that night was getting old. Yet I just wanted to hurry up and "dump all evidence", then lay low for a few years, that was thinking if I hadn't got caught yet. However little did I know that, the night before we left, I popped like 20 tubes in the street in town next to me and in my town. I forgot the last part of it, I just remember coming home and popping 5 more watson's, my Mom said, what the heck are you doing out there? I said ha ha I'm finishing up my picture tubes, she said well come inside soon, its hot and you better not be throwing em on the street somewhere, all we need is the cops here tonite or tomorrow before we leave. I remember loading up my crown vic one last time. I still had like 6 bigger tubes to pop and then I looked on the patio and was like "darn I still have that last biggest 31 inch BOOMER left to pop, how am I gonna manage that"?, I remember all 6 bigger tubes, up to 25 inch were all lined up in my front bench seat and the rest were on the floor of the back of the gutted car which had nothing left to the back except the metal body of the car with no rug or backseats at all ha ha. I had to manage to keep the tubes from popping or going off like bom*s if they slid into each other while I was driving around. So I managed to get that last "BOOMER" in the trunk and slammed the trunk shut and laughed so hard. I remember going down this one street that connected our town to the town next to us and going down this short street that was real dark in that area. I was laughing so hard I almost pissed my pants as I was lightly talking to myself saying "ha ha hu hu hmmmm ha HA HA, I can't lift this tube outta the trunk, ha ha and the police might come any second and I'll just pop it in front of them, ha ha ha I just laughed harder for a minute, then finally I heard a noise like a car door and then I was just able to lift the heavy sony tube out of the trunk and onto my bumper so I could carefully shut the trunk and shove the tube up onto the trunk. THis time I put the tube face down(like every tube I did)but this time I put it right in the middle close to the back window area. I had even taken the back window outta this crown vicky. I then turned around with my lights on and slowly started toward this long main 2 lane road I told about just a bit ago. I thought I better swerve llike a bat outta hell towards my town instead. I just had a feeling and so I did. I had to stop cuz a car was coming. I then figured heck I'm right in the light of a streetlight so I may as well leave my lights on and shatter this biggie right in the light of the streetlight. SO I did ha ha, Suddenly I roared into the street and recklessly swerved left again and once again that tube was just too heavy like the first one, it just went sliding down the road real fast and I burst out laughing, seeing that tube sliding down the road so fast and knowing as soon as it hits that curb, sure enough BOOOOOM!!!!, white dust flying everywhere and glass all over both lanes of the street and up over the curbside onto someones lawn again ha ha. Fast forward a bit, before we had an incident with the people across the street I mentioned. I was good friends with them, especially the younger guy who likes smoking weed"we smoked together once but I didn't like it", sadly pot just doesn't do much for me. So after we got home from vacation, I was talking to him and he said"man dude what the heck, how do you get away with that fed ex truck coming right to your house and I see your Mom and you pop up and rush like a bat outta hell to the door before she gets there?" I said "well I know the crucial hour when mr watson's limo is coming and that's usually between 12pm and worst case 1:30 pm and when I just sit there where we eat my mom knows whats coming. SHe always says. "did you get more vicodin?" with that funny cheshire cat grin on my face I say yea lol, I need it to live. He then said, dosen't she try to intercept your package? I said YEA, I almost pissed my pants once when she almost got to the door before me because I was on the computer a bit long and lost track of time and by luck mr watson's limo came at 12pm sharp one day and I rushed to the door just as my Mom who is elderly struggled to rush to the door. I said"she gave me that look as if looks could kill they would". At that time I decided this is getting to stressful, me in wd's waiting for what in "junkie time" seems like hours and hours for mr watson to come to me again. SO just outta luck, I happened to be lurking in the "forums" section of NorcoWorldwide, my most favorite online pharmacy, I almost cried when I saw them get taken down. I knew it was coming, but when? I to this day wish I had printed out a color copy of their homepage on my printer, but oh well. I at least will never forget the image of their homepage in my head, my huge "hard drive" in my screwed up head lol still remembers that cool looking homepage with the yellow letters over the nice family picnic "get your life back", well get my life back I sure did when I first joined em in 2004. But anyway I was lurking in their chat forums just like we have forums here and something just caught my eye right away. SOmething about "meds held at hub risky?", so I read the post and thought, DUH ME, why didn't I think of that option, so I immediately pm'ed what was called NWW patty and said "could you please use this address and have my meds held at the hub?" I gave her this address and she got back to me fast and said sure. I got you down from now on to have it sent there, just make sure you pick them up asap because after a few business days they send them back here and we would just have to charge you another shipment payment. I said great, thanks so much for doing that, because "I made up an excuse to her and said" I have nosy neighbors and someone tried to intercept my package once, they stopped the truck before it got to my house and luckily I was looking out the window and just caught it in time. SHe was like "oh my, yes I got you down for held at hub now" Cool I said. The minor inconvenience of going into a suburb of Chitown 40 mins away, or 30mins away if I sped like I do alot didn't bother me at all. I now had peace of mind, knowing that all I had to do was go to the hub and "pickup mr watson at the airport". Lol back to the tubes, after I was home from vacation and told my nosy neighbors across the street how I got by with it. I didn't tell them I had a new plan in action, I just suddenly shifted the conversation to me laughing so hard and him wondering how much vikes I had taken? I laughed even harder and said, lol "oh dont worry, its embarrassing but part of my disability is when I'm talking to someone, suddenly out of the blue I just start laughing, I'm still paying attention to what someone is saying but in the back of my head something comes up that makes me laugh" he said that's funny, no prob with me dude, he said what got you laughing so hard?, thats when I told him about all those 20 tubes I popped all over the place in one night before we went on vacation. HE then suddenly said, "hey did you shatter some huge one or something from a big screen tv on lorraine st just outside of the town next to us"?, I suddenly burst out laughing and said, yea it was around 11 at night probably, why?, DAMN, he said wow I think I almost ran it over, I was coming home late from work in the red car you know that car? I said ha ha yea, he said well I just was tired and coming home late from work and all I remember was slamming on the brakes and having to go down this side street because all this thick glass and metal was all over the street and all up on someones lawn by the curb. HA HA, yep that was me lol, please dont say anything but I just think its so funny to shatter them tubes on the street as I drive by real fast. He said "man you are lucky dude, you outta stop that, you could hurt or kill someone doing that, but most likely since its only 30mph speed limit in town here, they'll just maybe get a flat tire or two, but I know I'd sure be ticked if I got a flat tire on the way home that night" I said lol,dont worry I would have owned up to it to you secretly and paid for it. He said no prob dude, but WOW, that's crazy shit, haha, he then started laughing and said, that's like gangbanging type of shit ya know? I said yea I know I think it would be funny if you could drive for me and then I could finally get to throw out a tube myself as you drive real fast so I could watch it the second it hit the street as it implodes down on the street so I could see the whole thing. He said woa no I dont want to risk getting in trouble. I said we'll just cover your plates, he said dude, me being black and driving with a white guy in front and a tube sticking out the window, would just grab attention ha ha. I said lol you're right, everyone is stereotypical about races etc and I'm not so I forgot about that. He then said dont worry I ain't gonna tell on you but be careful and dont shatter one on a busy road etc. I said dont worry I wont, yet he didn't know I already popped a huge 20inch hitachi tube all across both the slow and fast lane of the highway I(we) use on the way back home from my brother's house a winter or two ago back when I was talking to him, right shortly before I got busted. Well finishing up trying to "get rid of the evidence and have one last booming fling before laying low" shatter all the rest of the tubes I had, that night before we had to go to my brothers house next noon. I had 4 more to pop and I just remember just boldly going real close to town and stopping in a parking lot again, this time I took 2 more 25 inch tubes out from the back of the crown vic and set em up on the roof of the car, then realizing I finally emptied out the back, I had easy and quick access to a 19 inch trinitron again and I laughed out loud as I said, ha ha here goes another one of them heavy trinitrons again. This time I decided 3 were going to go down at once so I put the last one on the front middle of my hood of the car. I then turned off my headlights and turned right down this street were shifty people lived. I suddenly sped up and swerved around the corner again onto another street so fast my tires screeched and then all of a sudden BOOM, BOOM BOOM. I then turned on my lights bursting out laughing so hard I almost pissed my pants, it was so funny, suddenly one went boom real loud off my hood and then the other two took a few seconds to hit the street and they suddenly went BOOMBOOM just like that, ha ha I laughed so hard and was like ha ha I still have one left!!!. HA ha I think I'm just going to stop, so I suddenly slammed on the brakes but not to screech the tires though. I almost made the last tube I had fly off the front bench seat, which was all about that was left of the interior of that funny car. I got out and just plopped it right in the middle of the roof, jumped backin the car and left my lights on and started going up the hill and then when I got to the crossroad of that street and this busy 2 lane road that goes all the way from a main road in our town to the 4 lane busy street/highway. I turned left onto that street like a bat outta hell and BOOOOM went the last of the big tubes I had to pop. I then hurried home and put my crown vic in the drive and the other cars behind it and hid under the bush in front and not 10mins later, ha ha I saw someone screech to a halt and suddenly put on their hazards and flash their brights at anyone coming through so they'd see all that glass there. HA ha I thought, for the first time I'm going to risk doing it real close to my house so I can see in action what happens. HA ha, in 11 mins only, all of a sudden a police in a pickup truck came by and put on their lights and rushed to sweep up that tube and I saw them put the glass in very heavy duty looking black bags and the metal frame part in another bag, then I saw them direct this silver car that was the 1st car to screech to a halt, they directed them to park in the parking spaces on the right hand side of the street where you can park during the day. Ha ha, I think they got a flat tire or two, or were asked to witness what happened etc. I didn't hear or see anyone get rear ended but everyone sure had to go out of their way to avoid the glass. I continued watching as a cop swept up all that glass so fast as another directed traffic and I was laughing so hard. Then all of a sudden within 15 mins only or less, all of a sudden the cops turned off their lights and took off in the cop pickup truck towards the station and I thought, oh my I bet they are real pissed now and they are going to try to fingerprint my last tube. I then went inside and cooled off and told my Mom what I just did and she said"Damn you anyway, I hope you get caught or I'll tell on you" I said come on, its funny and she said oh shut up etc and told me to stay inside and said"if I ever find out that you plopped one more of those bulbs on the street I'll go right to the police and tell them you did it". I laughed so hard and said, ha ha, that's so funny the way you called them bulbs, when they are picture tubes and the way you said "plopped". She said oh shut up and get ready for bed we gotta get up tomorrow you know. I said ok but I have to close the garage, so I did and laughed so hard at the remaining smaller 30 picture tubes all lined up side by side in the garage. I just started laughing so hard at all them tubes ranging from one 18 inch tube all the way down to mostly 14 inch monitor tubes and some rare 10 inch black and white tv set tubes. They all looked like arsenal in a bom* factory or something. So I shut the garage for the week we would be gone and made sure everything was unevident of what I had did just that night.
I thought, I'd share this funny story because strange silly stuff like this is one of the only things that gets me laughing enough to keep my mind off opiates for a while. I have a very funny strange sense of humor and like to do funny stuff most people wouldn't think of doing. That's part of my personality disorder trait. I used to get kicks on stuff all the time that would last until I burnt it into the ground with boredom, but these days me suddenly coming up with something funny or new to do are coming alot far and fewer between each other.


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 22, 2010 10:02 pm 
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I could read these better and it would kill my eyes less if you would just put a space every 2-3 inches or so. I don't even care if they are paragraphs but just make a space dude. You are killing me here. :wink:


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 12:41 pm 
Hi Subcozied, I only read your first two posts so far, but I just wanted to post a welcome and say that I'm pretty new here, too, and I've found this to be a helpful and supportive forum. I know we all feel "different" as addicts, and I've spent most of my life feeling that way, too. But here we can focus on what we do have in common, and our struggle to recover one day at a time with the help of Suboxone. I think we'd all like to get that happy, warm glow of opiates back (I know I do), but we really have to accept that Sub isn't going to do that, but that it CAN in time reduce the craving for that feeling. I am struggling to come to terms with that myself right now. You've been through a lot. Please give yourself time to adjust to the Sub (it took me about 3 weeks) and do whatever you can to get out of your own head, even if it means going to meetings that you're not crazy about. I hope I'm not overstepping my boundries by giving you advice, but your life IS worth living and I'm hoping you'll achieve good health and recovery.
Lilly


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Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

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