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 Post subject: Missing Emily
PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2012 7:20 am 
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Hello all.
I am writing this post in an effort to feel even a little bit better. Most of the regulars on here have read my story. I lost custody of my two daughters 5 years ago. My maternal rights were terminated to my oldest daughter Emily, 2 years ago to the day. Her step mother adopted her, and Emily wrote a deposition that contained all the lies that were fed into her little brain, and said that she no longer wanted me to be her mother.

I did not go to court to fight it, because I refused to make my 12 year old daughter take the stand and look me in the eye and say that she no longer wanted anything to do with me. It would kill her. I know my daughter. I would never cause her that kind of pain. That, coupled with the fact that she would have noone to talk to about it, once at home with her new "mom"(bitch), I just could not put that on a child. Especially my child. This was a hard decision to make, and one day I hope I get the chance to explain to her just how terrible it felt to do that, and to not see her. I still struggle with "did I make the right choice" on a daily basis.

Today is Emily's birthday. I just want so badly to call her and tell her Happy Birthday, and thank her for completing my life. She was my first child, and I miss her so very much every single day. This is the first year that I have not even thought about relapsing, and I will not relapse.

I just needed to get this out of my head and in writing I guess. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read it.

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2012 9:54 am 
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Hey Kelly,

All you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue trying to do the next right thing. You've come a long way....you haven't even thought about relapsing and that's huge!!

Stay strong.

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2012 12:15 pm 
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Kelly,

Thats heartbreaking. One of the toughest things about addiction is the collateral damage we cause to so many innocent people.. As someone that has a very deep love for kids of all ages (all kids, not just my own- I'm happiest when I'm coaching kids in any sport) I can only imagine the pain this is for you.. That being said, the way you're handling it is absolutely amazing!! I'm in awe of you right now...

These are the hard things we do on the road to recovery.. The tough, grueling steps that never seem to end.. I'm glad your mind is getting better with this situation- that's the best thing you can do for Emily.. WHEN ( not if- no way) you are reunited with Emily she will see that your separation was not in vain- it happened for a reason and a wonderful, lasting relationship WILL come as a result of all of your hard work now... One day, hopefully soon, she'll thank you for working on yourself..

Keep doing the right things, and continue doing them with your chin up.. It's a tough road, but it's our story we're writing and some chapters are gonna be harder than others. The important thing is there's a happy place on the horizon for your story. That part is inevitable- even if you do take the long way, you'll get there, of that I am certain.


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2012 12:42 pm 
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Oh Kelly, my heart goes out to you. I have no idea how you must be feeling, but I know you must truly love your daughter to have made the decision you did.

What are you doing to take care of yourself today? Do you have anyone around for support? Of course you have us, but sometimes having someone physically there is important.

I will keep you in my thoughts today. Stay strong and know that we love you!

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2012 3:37 pm 
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Kelly, My heart is breaking for you too. Happy Birthday to your sweet Emily. I'm glad you came here and felt comfortable enough to write this... I know it had to be hard. I read your introduction post about your girls and honestly, I didn't comment because I'm usually not too good with words that are so deep. I've never gone through anything like what you have, and I didn't feel like I could even wrap my mind around something so horrific, but I can empathize with you and I can have sympathy. I don't think you're looking for sympathy though, I really feel like you are a very, very strong woman who's been thru hell with your kids and you're just now trying to deal with it in a positive way.

What you said about not putting your child through putting her on a stand in front of a judge and telling him that she wants nothing to do with her mother, that's very admirable to say the least. I agree with everyone else that already commented, nogroovin had excellent advice and encouragement and I totally agree! DAOQ asked about whether or not you have support? I've talked with you a few times and I think you have your family there for you, am I correct? Use them! You need them right now girl! You know we're all here for you as well, anytime you wanna talk about your daughter, you can jump on here and talk to us!

I'm so glad that you didn't even have the urge or think of relapsing. One day you and your sweet daughter will be reunited and she will understand as she gets older why her mother did the things for her that she did. I'm sure of that. Keep on "Goin Strong", love your screen name btw ;) If you need us, we're here!


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2012 6:19 pm 
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Thank you guys all so much.

Nogroovin, you made me cry. It's like you get it. Without all of the crummy detail that just gets me upset, you get it. Thank you so much for your kind words. I cried half way through your post, and then til the end of the thread....but you started it! LOL! My heart feels like it has been shattered into a million pieces. It's like being stabbed in the heart and being punched in the stomach at the same time. It's just horrible. I do keep hope that one day I WILL see her again. They are fools if they think that a lousy piece of paper signed by a crooked southern judge, will keep her from being with her mommy. Thank you again for saying what you said. It just meant more than I can even put into words.

Diary, yes I went to my moms today and took The baby swimming. Hung out and talked to my mom for about 3 hours. Saw my sister for a little bit, and then tonight a friend is coming over to watch "Big Brother" with me. We are both hooked on that show! I love it, so it will lift my spirits some too. Thank you for your support and your concern!

Invisible Shadow, we have talked quite a bit now off of the forum, so you know how important my son is to me. I guess I keep it together for him. Today has no doubt been a rough day, and your words make it just a little bit easier.

I think what has always made Emily birthday just a little bit more special to me was the fact that it was the day that I became a mother. I feel like it was exactly what I was put on this earth to do. When someone takes your child from you, you no longer feel like you have a purpose. I was suicidal for so long, and eventually realized that if I wanted to see her again one day, that being dead and gone, was no way to accomplish that.

So thank you everyone for your support today. I have quite a few rough days coming up in the near future, but I will deal with them as they come. This day always kind of signaled the kick off for a bad few months. My other daughters birthday is in 3 weeks. Her I at least talk to, even if her dad wont let me see her. I'm rambling now....everyone, thanks a million and have a good night.

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2012 7:16 pm 
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I caught this post just now... I'm just about to hop in a bath because my body is freezing from cold chills but you have been so much help to me that I will come back definitely after to post what all I have to say. For now I'm going to say I am sorry that this is happening to you. I am here for you to talk to if you need. Her new "mom"(bitch!) won't ever EVER E.V.E.R take your place as the rightful mother nor will your daughter Emily ever think that either. I promise you. I hope coming here helps a but. We are all your friends.


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2012 8:21 pm 
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Hey there Godhelpme....you're a sweetheart....thanks a bunch. I look forward to reading what else you have to say about this whole rotten situation..

What a cruddy night. All day long I've pretty much been OK??? But now that the day has slowed down, and Tyler has gone to bed, I just can't stop crying no matter how hard I try. This little girl was the very reason I got out of bed every single day. She was my whole world. If I had a bad day at work, it didn't matter the second I saw her. She was always so happy, always smiling. I hope that she still is. I hope that she knows how mcuh I love her. I hope that she doesn't feel rejected by me. When I was a teenager, I felt unloved. I felt like my parents didn't love me. And they were there every day. I just can't even imagine the amount of irreparable damage I have done to her. My biggest fear is that she one day tries to fill that void I caused, with drugs. I don't even want to think that way. But I know how easy it is to fall into that trap. We all do.

I have had this feeling all day long like I should be doing something for her for her birthday. I NEED to do something for her birthday. So, I made her favorite dinner, baked a birthday cake for her, wrote Happy 14th Birthday Emily on it, and put 2 candles on it a 1 and a 4. Tyler (my 18 month old son) and I ate dinner together, I sang happy birthday to her, and he just giggled and clapped (LOL) and we had some birthday cake. I am so sorry if this sounds stupid. I swear I am not a crazy person. I just couldn't sit here and let her birthday go by without celbrating the day she made me who I am. The day she came on this earth. I will never forget the way she looked. Her name was to be Sarah Ashley. I took one look at her and knew that she was not a Sarah or an Ashley. I said, "Emily Skylar". And that's who my daughter is.

She is the most beautiful child too. White blonde hair, the bluest of blue, ice blue eyes, the cutest little button nose, and a perfect smile. Her entire face lights up when she smiles. That is probably my favorite thing about her face. She doesn't just smile with her mouth. Her eyes smile too. And she isn't just looks, she has the personality to boot. She is kind, and warm, and compassionate. She is a good christian girl. She has empathy, and had it at such an early age too. That is a hard quality to find in people these days. Lots of people an sympathize, but to be able to put yourself in someone elses shoes, and imagine how they must feel to be in the position that they are in, is a hard trait to come by. Emily has that. She is such a beautiful person inside and out. I love her with all of my heart. And I am anxiously awaiting the day that I can put my arms around her and tell her how much I have missed her and how much I love her, and always have.

I am sorry for going on the way that I have, but this is the first time in 4 years that I have been clean on her birthday. I have never just "felt" the emotions, and just been ok with them. But I am going to be ok. It will never be easy, but I will always be ok. I know that now. Thanks for letting me go on, I needed to get all this out. And I needed to just "remember" her. To put who she is in black and white. I needed to celebrate her birthday. Because she is the kind of person that deserves to be celebrated.

Have a good night all, and if you have children, give them a hug, and tell them just how much you love them. You never know when it will be the last time you get to say it....

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2012 10:17 pm 
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Ok I'm pruned from staying in the bath to long and out and ready to post. Not that my post is of any importance or I'm someone special but I feel like I can only try. Here is my whole outlook on the situation. I in all honesty think you dd the right thing to not take Emily to court. That would have been a semi negative memory she would of had for the rest of her life that COULD have turned traumatic. She may not understand because she is young. Even being brainwashed doesn't last forever. Once she grows and is more emotionally stable due to age then will be a perfect time for you to explain your decisions. A child would not understand because logic doesn't apply to teens or children. Us adults though use our best judgement, because we have more to lose if we don't, especially with our damn kids. So when you explain this to her at a later time she will be much more understanding.

How are you and the father? Do you guys have a reasonable relationship? If you don't mind me asking of course. If you do I would attempt to discuss this with him and gain his attention and assistance in getting your reasoning and proper decisions across. If you two aren't on good terms and he is as evil as this bitch of a step parent- I won't even use the word mother to refer to her- than you will have to wait a bit until your precious daughter is old enough to understand.

As far as her birthday I think the cake was a wonderful idea. You are NOT crazy- I repeat not. It is actually very honorable you would do that. It has great therapeutic value to find ways like this to coup. I would do the same thing if I were in your shoes.
I don't understand how custody issues work.. Are you not allowed to see her at all? Not even on the weekends? Would you be charged with any sort of crime if you went within a certain distance? Please do not be offended by my questions, I honestly don't know anything about this. If these are existent issues than I will say I am ashamed of this American law. No mother- unless abusive and neglectful- should be taken away from a child indefinitely and not be allowed to even see the child on occasion. Anyhow the point of this is if you are allowed to see her I would surprise her with a new similar cake and maybe an age appropriate gift that you think any female that age would like. I would also write her a long letter describing everything to her and including many of the things you included in this post. Also attempt to describe your love for her as well as words can. Put some thought into and and write it all in handwriting. That will show even more if you write it out. You may have it to her now if she is old enough or you can put it into an envelope and keep it until an appropriate time. I would go ahead and do it now so when you do finally give it to her you can mention to her this all came to you on the night of her birthday- the first night you were sober for her birthday! The first night you celebrated it and felt all the emotions of her not being there. The letter will have sentimental value. Write it - read it a few times- and stash it away until you can give it to her. If more nights like this happen write a new letter. If another birthday passes write again. Eventually when she is 18 you have to be able to see her right? You can give her a bundle of letters then. I know this isn't a solution in anyway what-so-ever but sometimes there are things we cannot completely change. Even so that doesn't mean we give. We still push until the day we change things and make innovation. We must keep pushing on to prove to ourselves how much something means to us.
As you already know I am in my sixth day of withdrawal and I too have been the most depressed in a long time. I've cried today too. Not just once- but several times. I know it can be so tough to cry. But crying is also a therapeutic thing. My figurative way of looking at crying is the tears that flow out are simply your negative emotions in your body flowing out year by tear. So let us cry together.
I truly wish there was something more than words for me to do but unfortunately there isn't. If you believe in God I will pray for you Kelly. I will also pray for Emily. I will also come back to check up on you this entire time during my own withdrawals. I'll support you with anyway I can. I also know others on this site will. It seems like the people on here are a family no matter how long or little they have been a member of the forum. Let yourself not break in or use this as a way to lie to yourself to use again. I'm not accusing you of thinking of it but I would understand if the thought crossed your mind. But please please stay strong. Don't let one problem cause two. I know you're smarter than all this and I have most faith that you will not even use but I had to mention this just in case. I wouldn't be your friend if I didn't. Just remember that using doesn't fix things it just numbs them to later complicate them.
I am dissapointed with myself for crying and being gloomy/depressed today. Because I have nothing near as tough as you to battle. You are seriously a warrior and a strong mother. As you said you have Tyler still to be a wonderful mother to. Keep up with your great work. Be strong in order to best suite your beautiful baby. I believe in you. You are a wonderful mother. A terrible mom wouldn't feel like its her fault. Your sense of guilt is wrong because this isn't only your fault, but it shows that you are very caring, responsible, and good.
I hope my words have helped. Please do not be defended if anything I said wasn't understanding. I'm only trying to be realistic while helping. I am no one special. Just another human. But sometimes going through struggles together is a big help. Please don't be too hard on yourself. Sometimes we have 0 control over things and when that is the case we shouldn't eat ourselves up. Keep your chin up. I'm here as your friend.
I truly want to see you feel better.
-RJ


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2012 1:09 am 
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Hey Kelly - Just wanted to let you know that I'm still thinking of you and hoping that you're holding up ok.

I think it's lovely that you baked your daughter a cake, and I think it's great that you're doing what you can to honor all of the feelings that you're having today.

Please check back in with us when you can.

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 Post subject: Thanks guys!
PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2012 8:35 am 
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I just wanted to pop in and say thank you to all of you for all of your support yesterday. I really had a horrible night last night. I just could not stop crying. I don't know why. I mean, I know why I was upset and all that. But usually I can stop crying until there is "an appropriate" time to cry. Yesterday, it didn't matter. I couldn't stop long enough to even play with Tyler. He didn't even know what was wrong with his mama, poor little guy. This forum REALLY helped me get through it all. I had to keep checking in and seeing if anyone posted anything new. Or just rereading what was already said. You guys dont know how much you helped me.

GodHelpMe, you are such a great person! You have so much to go thru on your own right now, and the fact that you took the time to type all of that out to me, is so selfless and supportive. You don't even know. I read what you wrote at least 3 or 4 times. Nothing you said was out of line. I know that it was all coming from a good place of trying to help me. I get that. I don't even know you and you are more supportive tha some of my friends. Thank you so much for that. I hope that you are feeling a little bit better today. I know that this hs got to be hard for you. I actually admire you for having the courage to come here and "bitch" and vent, instead of caving in. Oh, the thought to use, never crossed my mind yesterday. It was quite the contrary. I had no urge what so ever. And what you said about the tears is exactly how ifeel too. I feel like the tears have to be cried, in order to cleanse my soul. In order to get all of that out. Thank you for your prayers as well. I am a christian, and I do believe very firmly in the power of prayer. I spent a lot of time talking to God yesterday. I was so desperate for him to hear me too. More desperate than I have been in a long time. But I have faith that he has my path planned out for me, and that he will lead them back to me when the time is right. It will be hard in the mean time, but it will be worth it in the end.

Diaryofaquitter, Thank you for just checking in on me. Sometimes, just knowing that you are not alone, and that someone else is thinking about you, helps more than words could. I appreciate it so much. I know that you are busy with the forum, and work, and your own life, but you took the time out of your day to just let me know that I was on your mind, and that you hoped that I was ok. Thanks again.

I still feel a little bummed out today, and I am so tired. More tired than I have been in a very long time. I guess it's from all of the crying yesterday. Who knows. But, I am definitely feeling a lot better than I did yesterday, and I made it through without a relapse!!!!!! That is the most important thing. I just feel so differently this time around about my recovery. For some reason I just don't feel like a relapse will ever be an option that I consider ever again. I want to be the best mother that I can be for my son. He deserves it!

Take care everyone, have a great weekend, and thanks a million! (((((((HUGS))))))))

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2012 9:21 am 
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Hi Kelly,

I got on this morning as well just to check up on ya. I know it's not much, but you have a lot of people thinking about you right now. I seen DOAQ was just checking up on you too and I read what Godhelpme wrote, and it was just wonderful. I can see why her words helped you in such a time. Godhelpme, you're a very strong person to be going thru what you are right now and still taking the time to come on here and give Kelly all those words of encouragement and support. I hope you're feeling better today as well.

Kelly, of course you're probably more tired today than usual. If I have a bad day and cry a lot, the next day I feel so run down. Crying like that takes a lot out of a person, but yes, I believe it really cleanses your soul and you probably needed that more than anything. Getting it out! I'm sure there's a lot more tears to come, but there's also a lot more joy to come and crying when you need to is the best way to release those emotions. I'm sure Tyler was wondering what was wrong with mommy yesterday, but he sounds like such a sweet little boy, I'm sure he knows that momma loves him and everything's gonna be alright. I know when I cry like that in front of my daughter, she looks at me sort of confused, and when she puts her little arms around me, everything feels better. Believe me, she seen me cry pretty badly on quite a few days before my induction to suboxone and when my addiction and use was getting so bad and getting the best of me. I was so very, very unhappy and didn't know what to do or where to go from where I was, so I cried a lot. Somedays I cried so much that I felt like the worst mother in the world for being so unhappy in front of my daughter, but the tears kept coming. I haven't really done that in awhile because I'm not unhappy like I was then, thank God, but our children have seen it and they are still there for us no matter what. They love us so much and they need us and thank God Tyler has such a strong momma. I hope that made sense, I was trying to write it out as I was feeling it, but it may have sounded all crammed together, but I think you get what I'm trying to say...

I think what you did yesterday in making your daughter a birthday cake and celebrating her day was an absolute wonderful thing to do! You didn't do anything crazy, you celebrated your daughters birthday in the only way you could, but what a wonderful way to honor her. I'm sure Tyler loved clapping and singing Happy Birthday, even if he's still too young to understand. I also like what Godhelpme said about writing Emily a letter to give to her later. Even keeping a journal for her would be great. I'm sure that would be a wonderful gift for you to give her when the time comes. She'd probably really appreciate knowing that her mother was writing to her and telling her how she feels, and probably help her to understand why you had to do what you did. I'm so happy to read that even after the day you had yesterday, you never even thought of using. That is wonderful. Write that to your daughter in a letter and let her know that her mother is trying her very best to be the best person and mother she can possibly be and that you are getting better and you aren't going back to that, ever.

Like others have said, we're here for you whenever you need us. You can jump on here or send one of us a message. We're all here for you and we are your friends. We really do care about you, your emotions, and your sobriety. You take care, and I'll talk to you soon! Have a great weekend with Tyler! (((HuGs)))


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2012 10:44 am 
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Kelly,

It's nice of you to express your appreciation for everyone's support & encouragement here, but you dont have to do that. Youre getting the support you give. From the day you joined this forum you've been one of the most supportive persons to EVER post here. You're always the first person to welcome a new member, offer support to someone that needs it, or even just be an ear to listen to us vent. Basically, you've been a breath of fresh air- & it hasn't gone unnoticed. That's why everyone's making sure you're ok today- its exactly what you do for everyone else.

The past is the past. We can't change that, but we sure can have some control of what our future holds. Your positive attitude & serious manner in which you attack your recovery is so evident for all to see. Whatever happened before is what it is- we all make mistakes. The only thing that matters is the person you are now & the person you're striving to become. I'm willing to bet good money that some very important people in your life (whether it's God, or Emily, or any powers that be) will see the same caring person we see here very soon.

Treat yourself to a nap today- crying can really wear you out. :-)


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2012 11:07 am 
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I'm glad you made it through yesterday without a relapse, you ROCK!!! You obviously have changed your attitude about your recovery and yesterday proved how strong you have become.

I'm glad you're feeling better today, that's good to hear. I hope you continue feeling better and better.

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2012 1:02 pm 
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Nogroovin, I'm glad you pointed that out to Kelly. Thank you, you said what a lot of us feel. Sometimes I wish there was a "Like" button because I definitely liked your post!

Kelly, your posts and making sure everyone feels welcome to the forum are indeed very much appreciated. I know in the beginning, you were one of the first to reach out to me and genuinely support me and I appreciated then, I appreciate it now. You are always there for everyone else on here, so you don't have to thank everyone when they support you. You're getting back what you give. You always go above and beyond to encourage and support every member of this forum and I always look forward to your posts.

Thank you, and take Nogroovins advice... treat yourself to a nice nap today girl!


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 25, 2012 6:50 am 
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Good mornig everyone! I think you all were 100% correct in assuming that I was wiped out from crying. It has been a long time since I let it all out like that. Sure, I've shed a few tears here and there, but that was unontrollable, full blown wailing! LOL! No wonder I was wiped out. Today Ifeel back to my old self. So thanks for getting me through all of this crap the last two days. Geez, it doesn't seem like it was two days, it felt like a week! Glad it's over.

If nothing else came out of this, I learned a couple things. One, that I have made the right choice in picking this forum all those months ago, to be a support system for me. You guys came thhrough loud and clear for me when I needed it the most.
And two, that no matter what happens, no matter how bad I feel, and no matter how long I think it will last, I do not have to use. Nothing is worth it. Nothing. I know now that I will get through it, and come out on the other side. Not only, alive, but feeling better about myself as a person because I didn't falter. I owe part of that to you great folks! I know that you have said not to thank you, but when someone is there for you on the level that you guys were just there for me, you thank them. SO, thank you thank you, thank you!

Everyone have a great wekkend!

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 25, 2012 1:22 pm 
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Hey Kelly, I just caught your post, I do remember reading the first one, but I was trying to think of something to say, and then I dont remember!!!!!
probably had to go chase the kid or something.
I just wanted to say GREAT JOB hanging in there. Thats great that you turned this around, and made it something positive by having a birthday dinner with tyler. how wonderful :wink:

I know Ive said it before, but Im telling you again. I think children are 'hard wired' to love thier parents no matter what.
my father wasnt in my life, ever. I didnt even know who he was, where he was, his name, nothing.
but from an early age, I would still try to imagine him, and dream of the relationship that maybe we could have someday.
my stepdad came around, when I was about 7, and lets just say, our relationship has been troubling, to say the least.

when I was 15 my mom heard from a relative, that he was living in seattle, and she filed child support papers on him.
my mom and I drove up to washington, and had to take a paternity test and all that crap. the day the papers came in the mail, it was the first time Id seen a picture of him, other than a few my mom had from when she was pregnant with me.
I guess I was shocked that he had 'aged' but other than that, I was happy to see that I looked like him (still) and vice versa.
I still have the 'black and white' picture, today.

the day after I graduated high school, I looked him up on the internet, and drove to his house. 4 hours I was thinking of WHAT the hell I was gonna say.
I showed up at the door, and wife (#4) answered. she was shocked to say the least, but nice to me. Brad never had any other children besides me. That day, we drove around seattle together, and talked, laughed, ate lunch and it was great.
thats really the only memory I have of him. or the the one I want to keep I guess.
He was commited into a mental institution in 2003, and I really havent had any contact with him. He did call my grandmother about a year ago, and talked to her for an hour on the phone, asked her to marry him, and all kinds of shit like that. Yes, Im still trying to process that one.
LOL
I wish that he could meet my son, but his family wont give me any information on how to see him, not even a phone number. they are 'well to do' to say the least, and they act like Im this bastard child or something. cant get me off the phone fast enough.

what Im getting at is, no matter what, she is gonna come looking for you, someday.
I dont know if she'll call, or just show up, but she'll be there. My father apologized to me, as soon as he saw my face, and that was just fine for me. everything washed away, just like that.
as you know from experience, all a kid wants, is to be LOVED.
You and emily will be together again one day. All you can do, is buy her a birthday card, and fill it out, put it in a shoebox with her name on it, and save it for that day.
imagine how happy she'd be, if every time btween now, and when you see her agian, you bought or made a card that said something like 'thinking of you' and when she shows up, she has a huge full shoebox of all the times you've thought of her over the years.
My ending wasnt a fairytale one. but it doesnt mean yours cant be.

hang in there kelly, your making it :wink:

_________________
anyone can give up,
its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to
hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
That's TRUE STRENGTH
http://almostoneyearclean.blogspot.com/


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 25, 2012 2:57 pm 
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Hey Kelly -

You came to the forum during a time when I had kind of stepped back and was taking a break because of some life stuff, but I've been reading through some of your old posts these past few days. I have to say that nogroovin is right; you have been a remarkably kind and supportive presence on the forum these past months. It seems that you have taken your pain and allowed it to make you profoundly empathetic instead of bitter or indifferent. That is a wonderful quality and I hope you are able to hold onto it. I truly believe that the type of kindness and empathy that you've extended here on the forum (and I'm sure you do it offline as well) is incredibly healing - for everyone concerned. I hope that you are able to extend your own love, kindness, compassion and empathy to YOURSELF, which for some reason seems to be difficult to do. j

I think you've said that you are a Christian; I practice Buddhism and I wanted to share a practice with you that I've found incredibly powerful. It's called Metta, or Loving-Kindess Meditation and it's meant to help us cultivate the qualities of love, kindness, compassion and joy in ourselves and towards others. Please know that I mean no offense toward your religion or beliefs, I honestly feel that Buddhism and Christianity are pretty compatable - Buddhists don't have a deity so you're not praying to any other god or anything :D .

Metta is a simple practice but it is profound. When I started, right around the same time that I started Sub, I couldn't go more than a few minutes without crying. I was shocked to discover how deeply I believed that I was not even worthy of my own love or compassion. But I stuck with it and eventually my heart opened to myself and I was able to experience a healing that I hadn't realized I even needed. Sorry if I'm getting all hippy-dippy and woo, I've been accused of that before and I'm ok with that. It's worth it to me to be seen as a little flaky if I can let one person know that our broken hearts can be healed.

So here's a webpage that details how to do this meditation, please check it out and give it a try if you feel so inclined. If you don't want to or you feel uncomfortable with a Buddhist practice, please don't worry about it. There are many roads to healing:

[web]http://www.jackkornfield.com/2011/02/meditation-on-lovingkindness/[/web]


One last thing before I go. I had a great counselor for a few short weeks when I was in that Probuphine study (which is where I started my Sub treatment). In one of our first sessions I was just a huge crying mess, so lost and bereft over the mess I perceived my life to be. She told me that it was good for me to grieve, grieve for the things that I'd lost. I don't know if you know, but I've struggled with severe clinical depression since my early teens and that illness has changed and shaped my life in countless ways. That therapist gave me permission to mourn the life I might have had if I hadn't had a mental illness. She made me realize that my losses were real, even the ones that were to varying degrees self-inflicted. She was one of the first people to not accuse me of "feeling sorry for myself."

She pointed out to me that repressing my sadness and anger would only keep me from ever finishing the grief process and block me from coming to the desired outcome of acceptance. So I finally gave myself permission to feel those things as they arose and I tasked myself with finding healthy ways of processing those emotions so I could move through them, feel them, and then let them go. It's a recursive process, so you have to go back through them over and over at times but it gets easier as you go along. Support is essential in this, I don't think it can be done alone, but it can be done. And you can come to a point where you are in a state of acceptance. Your losses and pains become a part of you that you can live with and they inform who you are and where you're going - but they don't define you.

You asked in my 3 year anniversary thread about how things are different for me now as compared to then, and I think this is the biggest difference. I've begun the process of letting go of the struggle against all of the things I used to hate about myself. Letting go of all the hate and hurt and anger I had toward myself has allowed me to start to be ok with who I am, flaws and all. It frees up tremendous energy as well and has made me see that it is possible that I will achieve my goal of being a counselor someday and help other people attain the same healing.

Sorry for the book I just wrote, sometimes I get going and I just can't stop. I hope you're doing ok today!

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 Post subject: For Diaryofaquitter
PostPosted: Sat Aug 25, 2012 3:35 pm 
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[font=Comic Sans MS]This one is for Diary, so if noone else wants to read it, I wont be offended! LOL! (not that I'd know) hee hee

I want to tell you thank you so much for taking the time to type out what you just did. That was incredible. Sharing your experience with me, in such detail, I could almost picture it. Like when ya read a good book! Yes, you were correct in thinking that I am Christian. I am in no way a bible thumper though. I believe very firmly in spirituality. I believe that people can be spiritual without being religous. And for me, sometimes that helps me more than religion.

I enjoyed reading what you had to say about the lovekindness. I am going to read up on it tonight. I can't right now because I have company coming for dinner in an hour. Holy cow! I just noticed what time it is!!!!! LOL! Anyway, it was nice to see too, what kind of impact it has had on your life. That is inspiring to me, and makes me all the more excited to try it out! I will stick with it for a while too, usually thing s of that nature take some time to get the hang of..

I think it could be very benefical for me because the part that seems the hardest for me, is exactly what you said, extending that kindness and forgiveness and love to myself. I don't know what either. It's not like I consciously do it. But it does get in the way of me TRULY being COMPLETELY happy. I am a pretty happy person on a daily basis, and not much gets me down. But I think that this may be just what I need. I appreciate you taking the time to show this to me. I am always always always interested in this kind of thing....and for the record, I LOVE HIPPIES!!!!!!!!!!! So, any other ideas you may have for being more spiritual, I am wide open too. If there's one thing that I am definately not...it's closed minded.

Ok, well I have to go and start dinner. Fried Chicken, Mashed Potatoes, corn, greenbeans, and cornbread....all made from scratch... I can hear my thighs getting bigger!

Thanks again, and I'll let you know once I've tried the lovekindness, and follow up with you if I have any questions. I'll just send you a PM. Have a terrific weekend![/font]

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 26, 2012 11:14 pm 
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Kelly, I'm more sorry than I can say about your situation with your daughters. I'm sure you are heartbroken. I have a suggestion that won't help in the short term, but may help in the long term. I would start writing letters to your daughters, not to send to them right now, but to give to them when they are older. Write down why you didn't go to court, write how much you miss them. Write them letters on special occasions and on less important days. Make a packet of these letters, so that they will know that you were thinking of them the whole time. Give the packet to them when they are adults or are old enough to understand that life isn't perfect, and that sometimes you just do the best you can. Their biggest question may be, "Why didn't you fight for me?" or "Why did you put drugs before me?" Try to answer those questions even before they ask them. Give them evidence that you love them so much!

I don't know if my suggestion makes sense to you and you are welcome to throw my idea into your "circular file". :)

Take care,
Amy

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