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PostPosted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 7:37 am 
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Laffertyk,

I'm sorry I'm responding so late.
I thought I was more of a borderline personality disorder type. Anyway, the dr offered, for a lot more money, of course, to get me on some other meds after we treat my "opioid dependence issues" I don't know.

My ex-wife has BPD. We were married for 26 (challenging) years, but when menopause got really bad for her she started with the affairs. I took her back 4 times, but we were eventually divorced.

She would never stick with a medication very long, but when she was on Lamictal, the symptoms were very well controlled.

By the time he was 12 they had me giving him all this medication, and he wasn't even himself anymore.

One of my sons had ADD and a similar experience. The elementary school wanted him drugged so he would be easy to manage, but he was a sad zombie all the time. I met with his teachers and the principal and said I would rather have a happy C student, then a sad and muted A student.

Thanks,
Morphing


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 11:57 am 
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Laff, do I skip over your posts? of course, all I have to do is see your name and my eyes just automatically scroll down to the next post...hahaha,jk that's horrible to even think such a thing. I personally read every post on here, might not reply to them but yes I do read them all and yes that's very sad "Happy" thought I was a female, maybe I have a female writing sytle, whatever that means.

Well everyone is talking about behavior disorders so I figured I would chime in. Michelle, your absolutely right,Tourettes is hell. I know this because I have it. I have whats called non-verbal Touretts,basically motor tics.Meaning Im not one of those people that shout things out or walks around saying F You to everyone, thank God. I make noises w my throat sometimes but it mostly consists of consistent blinking and me nodding my head as if I was acknowledging someone.My mom took me to a neurologist when I was 7 when it started and after the doctor seeing me for only maybe 3 minutes he knew exactly what I had, not that its a hard one to diagnose or anything lol. But the part Ill never forget to this day is after he told me I had touretts and what it was I started crying and told him I could stop it, he leaned over looked me dead in the eyes and said," No, you cant stop". Not sure why but I'll never forget that and he was right.
After trying me on many drugs he finally settled w Klonopin and Clonodine. which everone on this forum is very familiar with. I look back now and prescribing a 7yr old a narcotic is just plain nuts but it helps and to this day I still take the klonopin. Well 3 years later I couldn't sit still so guess what they diagnosed me w next, yep... ADD, only problem was all the medications prescribed for ADD irritated my tic, so it was a catch 22, so I could either concentrate better and have my twitch aggravated to all hell or have my tic somewhat under control and be a little restless in class. No hard decision there, as self conscious as I was about my tic at that age I just stuck it out and remained a little restless in school. Then I as I get older I struggled w a little depression but who doesn't, the kicker was when they told me I was showing bipolar symptons, but in reality I wasn't bipolar, my using had started well before all of this so I was either high or I wasn't and that's what was giving people false negatives about my behavior. Then a very very intelligent shrink I went to told me there is no sense in taking any anti dep or anything else to help treat what other doctors thought I might have until I get off all the drugs and she was right Ill never know how I truly feel until I get off the pills. I know why I get depressed now because Im starting to get low on meds, my behavior changes erratically because I am either feeling like a million bucks because I just dosed a 150mgs or im sluggish because I only dosed 20mg. So that would be another reason I am looking forward to starting Suboxone, if I can ever make it to that point, I am ready to learn about myself. Find out who I really am, sounds cheesy but true. so anyway that's that, thought I would throw my two cents in and offer up a little about myself.
Now Laffy, that would be rambling my dear....As Michelle would say, Thank you all for listening!


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 1:27 pm 
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Awww, Blue. Can't imagine what it must have been like to deal with all that as a little kid. I thought my childHood was rough, I was i think a late bloomer for sure. In 4th grade I cut all my hair off, I was so skinny, no shape at all, dressed like a tomboy in self defense, kind of, cause girlie clothes just didn't work on me...and I swear, people who don't know me called me "son" till I was 13 and started developing. Nothing compared to what you went through....but for whatever reason, no kid wants to be different, especially when it comes to physical stuff. It's no wonder you went on to have issues with drugs. Kind of makes me feel selfish that I started using just for the fun and excitement of it.


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 1:39 pm 
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Morphing wrote:
Laffertyk,

I'm sorry I'm responding so late.
I thought I was more of a borderline personality disorder type. Anyway, the dr offered, for a lot more money, of course, to get me on some other meds after we treat my "opioid dependence issues" I don't know.

My ex-wife has BPD. We were married for 26 (challenging) years, but when menopause got really bad for her she started with the affairs. I took her back 4 times, but we were eventually divorced.

She would never stick with a medication very long, but when she was on Lamictal, the symptoms were very well controlled.

By the time he was 12 they had me giving him all this medication, and he wasn't even himself anymore.

One of my sons had ADD and a similar experience. The elementary school wanted him drugged so he would be easy to manage, but he was a sad zombie all the time. I met with his teachers and the principal and said I would rather have a happy C student, then a sad and muted A student.

Thanks,
Morphing


And I'll bet your kid turned out fine. This ADD stuff isn't something new in the past few decades...I remember in my grade school years, there were always a few kids in every class ( usually boys ) who acted up. In catholic school it was a pretty brutal thing to see, cause back then the nuns were still allowed to smack you around, and these kids got the worst of it. But today, it is way over diagnosed....and the joke is, today the teachers have way more help than they did years ago.- classroom aides and all that. They should be able to handle all these kids. It's primitive, how they are treated.


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 3:22 pm 
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You were a little tomboy, that's cute. I told you I had a tic, I just never elaborated on it until now.

Believe it or not Laffy, I never got picked on for it, not to my face anyway, im sure people did what they did behind my back but never to my face, thank God. Now I cant tell you how many times I have had someone who doesn't know ask me if I wear contacts or if I have something in my eye because of me blinking the way I do, it never bothers me,just reminds me that I have it. My only real fear of it is that my daughter will have it or the next one will. Its more prone in girls then boys, I was a big guy growing up and I was outgoing so I handled but I cant imagine my little girl going through it, It brings tears to my eyes thinking about it.

Also to everyones surpise I didn't start using because of it either, a matter a fact, using makes my tic worse. I got introduced to pills when I was 17. my DAd who is a pretty big guy had knee surgery and was prescribed what looked like horse pills for pain pills, it was just percs and hydrocodone though. He must have had 6 bottles of the stuff and never took it. one night I took a couple and sat down and watched a movie, it was the best high ever, I was in heaven. It turned out I would rather have a few pills and stay home then be at some raging party. After going through all his pills I finally came clean with my parents, we were sitting at our kitchen table and ill never forget, I told my dad and he responded w,"I never thought I would have a drug addict for a son". it destroyed me, I had resentment for years over it. they shipped me off to rehab after rehab but I wasn't ready so it was just wasting everyones time and money.
My God.....I think I have shared more today then I have since I have been on this forum, sorry for hijacking the thread Laff;)


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 7:24 pm 
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What you guys are doing is helping each other heal! These things that have defined our lives are important to bring to the light and exposure. If this ends up being a group counseling thread for a few, it is still worth your time, efforts, and attention.

You are doing good work!

Amy

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 8:07 pm 
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That's funny you said that Amy, it did feel like a group session there for a minute today. I have always had a hard time in NA plus not really a fan of it, not to offend anyone but im just not one to get up n a room full of people and talk so yes this does work 10xs better for me.

The extreme of any emotion will cause my tic to act up or even lack of sleep so when ever I went to NA I would be a little nervous in the beginning well needless to say it would make me twitch more and people would view me as using I finally said the hell w it. So well said Amy! It definitely does help to voice things.


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 21, 2015 10:27 am 
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Blue, so sorry you had to go through that! I pray that had someone to support you and love you and that you still do! I have always been in my nephews corner and plan on staying there! Yes, this is like group therapy for me too! That's a good thing!


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 11:32 am 
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Blue, I think whether anyone notices our differences or not, WE see them.... And to more of an extreme than others notice. Women especially are so self critical. I got teased for being so skinny, especially my legs...or for coming to school like I just rolled out of bed (never been a morning person)when the other girls my age were already trying makeup and taking pride in how they looked. I felt like they were so far ahead of me, physically and mentally. My mom used to tell me not to worry, that some day I'd appreciate being so thin, and looking younger than I was...and she was right. Most of my pending issues at this point were mental, anyway. One of my favorite quotes - "It's not whether you win or lose, it's how good you look" (David Lee Roth) ...once I got rolling, I worked really hard at looking good, because I felt it was the only card I had to play. I guess things haven't changed much, cause now, on the other side of my life, I'm dealing with the insecurity of getting older, waking up in the morning and looking in the mirror and thinking now where the fuck did that little line come from, it wasn't there yesterday??

Anyway, I start out talking about you, Blue, and as usual it all goes back to being about me. But you know what I'm saying.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 2:02 pm 
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Laff, you have helped and encouraged me more than you know so you talk all you want about yourself, after all that's why we are all here, to listen, to talk, to encourage, and to heal.

Stop stressing getting older, your not much older than me and I don't feel too old, yet;)


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 2:53 pm 
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When I was on pain medication, I lost all control of my emotions. The pill turned into a convenient disguise for my feelings. Over time, all of these I dealt with feeling began to change my perception. I never understood until I completely stopped Xanax and painkillers including suboxone. Relearning how to relate to your feelings is very difficult; but it's a part of this process

I keep bringing this up, not because I'm obsessed with meditation, or because I'm making money advertising meditation. It's because it saved my life, and allowed me to take control of myself and my feelings and thoughts and self beliefs

Addictions are fueled by self esteem problems. Or not feeling good enough, not just to yourself but to others. If you dedicated ten minutes a day to focusing on your breathing; and nothing else, that's considered meditation.

For me, the first time I discovered it, my feelings and thoughts and baggage I've been walking around with instantly lifted simply from being mindful.

When your mind begins to relax on your breath, your mind flip flops; you go fr being dominated by your thoughts and feelings, to simply observing your thoughts and feelings. It's interesting to lead a life being in complete control of ones emotions and feelings

Addictions start in some cases from wanting to escape from reality, or the reality your mind has created. Understanding that it's possible at any moment to transcend stress anxiety and depression is one of the most powerful experiences I've come across in my life.

I'm only 27, but my life was over before it began. Since I was young I was adopted, moving every year, switching schools. Having new brothers and sisters. I always felt like other people beliefs had control of me. I believed if someone said I was dumb that I was actually dumb. All of this went away after the first time I meditated. March 26 2014. Since that first meditation, I've managed to get off suboxone 16mg, and Xanax 6 mg and klonopin 4 mg. I also started Effexor during this process to help with the pain. I weaned off Effexor completely finishing my taper two months ago. I haven't had alcohol in 1.5years. The anxiety and depression I felt that led me to pills I no longer have. I contribute this to meditation. My mind is simply calm now. I don't react to things anymore. I allow everything that is going to happen to happen; with no anticipation or regret

If anyone wants to be walked through their first meditation, it's very simple and I would be glad to be a part of the process

Hope everyone is having a good day 8)


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 24, 2015 12:12 pm 
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Dark2light, how long were u on suboxone? I'm not obsessing about getting off of it, but it's in the back of my mind, so many people say it's as hard as getting off methadone. And I am listening to what you say about meditation...breathing is so important, or knowing how to breathe, and the ways it effects you. It's definitely helped me in other areas of my life.

Blue, thanks for being so sweet. I'm really looking forward to you feeling better.

Oh, and by the way, I am sleeping now, every night. Doesn't even take long to fall asleep. No Xanax, either. Taking the 4 mg in the morning....occasionally taking another 2 mg later in the day, probably wouldn't need it if I didn't work so late, though. I'm sure it's psychological, and I'm trying to have a little self control..but sometimes I just gotta do it. Plus, I have extra pills, so it's easier to justify. Once they are gone, I'll have to stick to the 4 mg, don't want to runout before my next refill.


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 26, 2015 11:40 am 
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Well, had a bad day yesterday. I am seeing this younger guy, my brothers best friend, actually...and my brother doesn't know. Last time I dated one of my brother's friends, he didn't talk to me for almost 2 yrs. probably I mentioned this before. So for now, the relationship is a secret. Anyway, this guy is likely an alchoholic. I knew that going in. He's very sweet, he makes me laugh, and the sex is awesome. He's charming and good looking. He's known me since he was in grade school, and I was his buddy's older sister...said I was his " fantasy" through all his formative years, haha...(even though that was a lot to have to live up to the first night, let me tell ya) he also knows a lot about my crazy life. So there was already a sense of intimacy from the word go. But he has his issues, and after the short time we've been seeing each other, I'm starting to feel too attached. Needy. Probably normal because of what I've been through in the past few months. But why in the world would I let myself get involved at this point with someone who is basically an active addict? I haven't expressed any of this to him, not pushing for more in our relationship - because I know he is fucked up and I'm not going to get any more from him than what he is already giving me....meaning some stimulating conversation and good sex - over a few drinks, of course. But I am feeling like I want more, and it really hit me Friday night when I was driving home after seeing him. I really have not come so far after all. The smart thing to do would be to walk away. Instead, I woke up depressed Saturday morning and next thing I knew I had the mirror out and was crushing up my AM dose. The rest of the day went pretty much the same. And it didn't even make me feel any better.


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 26, 2015 12:32 pm 
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Sometimes the relationships we get into are subconscious attempts to replay older, dysfunctional relationships that ended up hurting us in some way. It's like your subconscious is trying to "get it right" this time, so you end up in relationships that tend to be dysfunctional and destructive. What the subconscious is not good at discerning is whether or not that kind of relationship is good for you.

This would be a good subject to talk over with a therapist, who could give you insight on patterns you may not be aware of.

You deserve to be in a relationship that is not headed for eventual destruction! You might also think of writing down what you want in a relationship, what you don't want, what you will and won't tolerate. Your brain needs to focus on what is ultimately good for you, instead of reacting out of emotion. I know you have a strong will, or you never would have made it through getting off the methadone. You just need to continue to apply your will toward things that are good for you. If you could keep this relationship at a level of sex and fun there would be nothing wrong with that. But obviously it is making you backslide into old behaviors.

Don't forget! You know how to be strong!

Amy

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 26, 2015 3:46 pm 
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Wow Amy, u are spot on! That's exactly what we unintentionally do in relationships. The bad part was, I just never realized I was stuck in that pattern bk then. I mean, I knew I was always picking the wrong ppl but just thought that was "my luck". And when I changed my mindset and started going out with someone completely opposite of what I was attracted to, my life changed and the man I'm with now is the most amazing person I've ever met. Having someone love you the exact way u love them is awesome. And all I had to do was just look outside the box I kept looking in. We've been together for four years now and nothing is perfect but it's great. Not having to worry about someone cheating or leaving gives u so much peace when ur used to chaos and turmoil. I totally understand how ur feeling Laff. But u have proven how strong u are like Amy said. The right person could be right under ur nose and u don't really know it yet. If ur getting so upset, then this guy ur with isn't fulfilling what u need right now. U definitely don't wanna do anything to knock u away from recovery. Stay strong and know that u deserve the very best :)

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 27, 2015 12:00 pm 
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Thanks guys, for the advice. Intellectually I know all this stuff, that I'm repeating old patterns, setting myself up for failure. I told myself in the beginning that this guy would be the distraction I needed, and no more. I guess I just wasn't expecting to like him so much. He's not perfect, but then neither am I. And he's not a mean drinker....I had one of those, for almost 10 years. No way in hell I'd let a relationship like that one happen again.

Maybe I'm just too emotionally vulnerable right now to be getting involved with anyone. I can't keep on going with him and keep it on a casual level. Well...I could...but I don't want to feel like this. I think I'm just going to back off a little. It's just that after so long completely isolating myself from the human race, i can't stand being alone. I went from one extreme to the other in such a short period of time.

Anyway, on a good note, my place is CLEAN!!! I threw away so much stuff, 8 big Hefty trash bags full...not just all the crap that piled up during the methadone detox, but things that I should have gotten rid of years ago. 3 additional bags of clothes for Good Will too, mostly all the stuff that is way too big for me now. Treated myself to a new rug for the kitchen, a new mattress pad and very expensive 700 thread count gorgeous white sheets. And, I'm proud to say, the handle broke on the toilet, went to the hardware store, bought the parts, and fixed it myself!! So things aren't all bad, I'm getting things done, I'm much more active, spending time with my nieces, eating really good.....treated myself last week to new clothes from Sundance catalog, new boots, and underwear from Victoria's Secret - I haven't set foot in that store in years, so that was kind of fun ( so expensive, though) I also just booked a room at a beautiful Victorian Bed & breakfast for 4 days, 5 nights end of September, ocean front, in Cape May. $290 a night...yikes! I'll be down there for an art workshop, figured I'd stay someplace nice....still nervous about the price, but what the hell.

So...it's not all bad. I don't just come on this forum to complain. But I do appreciate the support and advice, guys. It means a lot to me.

PS. Amy, I'm glad you found someone nice. Wish I wasn't so shallow and superficial with men.


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 27, 2015 5:36 pm 
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Hi Laff, loved reading your latest post! So happy you are taking care of yourself! You sound like you are aware of what's best for you! I love Cape May in the Fall! It is so beautiful and not as crowded!You will have and you deserve to have a wonderful time!


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 31, 2015 9:21 am 
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Thanks Michelle....you must live somewhere here in the Delaware Valley? I cannot wait for fall!!! Not just because of the cape may trip...I'm looking forward to cool mornings, the leaves changing, sweatshirts and boots, the whole nine yards. Most people are sad to see summer end, but for me, I come alive in the autumn. It's my favorite time.

So, saw the subs doc yesterday, got my script to switch over to suboxone, have about 6 or 7 eight mg subutex pills left. We are raising my dose a little, I think I need it some days...and if I don't, well then, I'll be able to stash a little in case something happens, like the doctor retires or for whatever reason I may need to find a new one.

Now that I'll be taking this in film form instead of pills, he said something about how once you open the package, you either have to take the whole film, or throw away what you don't. So if I'm on 4 mg, I cut the film in half, and throw away what I don't use, cause it will just melt or turn to mush or whatever....I was like WHAT???? I hate to waste anything....and can't imagine wasting drugs. He went on to say that after a week or so, I can go to taking 8 mg one day, and 4 mg the next (throwing away the other 4mg) alternating daily, and that at this point my blood levels should be stable and dosing this way should work. I'm skeptical of anything he says - I mean, this guy told me to take this stuff 24 hrs after my last 90mg of methadone - and I haven't heard anyone here say they dose this way..so I thought I'd ask you all. I have about 5 days before I get the script filled.

Otherwise, things are going ok. Sleeping well, no major physical cravings....but lots of mental ones.


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 31, 2015 9:36 am 
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Laff,

Absolutely do NOT throw anything away!! They do not need to be thrown away ever like ur Dr is trying to say. When I was on 12mg, I'd take a strip and a half, having to cut one in half and keep the next half for the next day......they don't go bad lol. Gosh I don't understand why ur Dr thought that, but please don't listen to him. After ur done with ur film, put what's left bk inside the package and fold a little of the top over to seal it from air. That's all u gotta do. Tons and tons of ppl do this, I have never had a strip be ineffective from opening it a day or two and not taking it all.

Also Fall is my absolute favorite season ever. Please bring on sweatshirt weather cause Summer is not for me. I hate humidity and sweat lol. I hate to see Summer come every yr. Have a wonderful day!!!

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 31, 2015 10:29 am 
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I agree totally here. Ive taken Two year old film before and it worked just fine. Alittle discolored, but no cravings, no WD.

Some Drs are just funny huh? ..gezz.. :lol:


Razor


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