It is currently Tue Aug 22, 2017 2:29 am



All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Our Sponsors





Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 11 posts ] 
Author Message
PostPosted: Wed Feb 17, 2010 5:45 pm 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster

Joined: Wed Feb 17, 2010 4:58 pm
Posts: 4
First let me preface this intro by saying I have an appointment with a Subox Dr. in approx. 46 hours, this coming Friday.

I've been an opiate addict for 3 years now, and I'd like to give a history of my usage and struggle.

It all started when I was selling cars, being young (21 at the time), having lots of money, it was a great thing. One day one of my co-workers showed me a little yellow oblong shaped pill, he told me it was percocet, and that they made him feel great and made it really easy to talk to customers, and helped his sales. I tried one. "Wow, this is amazing" I thought after about an hour and the pill had fully kicked in. It made me feel so relaxed and mellow, made conversation with other co-workers, with customers a breeze. Fast forward about 2 months. 1-2 10/325 pills a day turns into 4-6 pills a day, and before long I would be nodding off at my desk at work, before I even knew what a "nod" was. I just thought the pills were making me sleepy. After about 4 months of 4-6 10/325's a day I went through a rough break-up with my girlfriend of 4 years. I spent the first few days after taking my normal dose, to help ease the pain and the heartache, but then something inside me told me I was just prolonging my problems, and that I should just stop cold turkey, deal with whatever withdrawyl I would have, and deal with my feelings of heartache with a clear head. I made it about 2 months without an opiate use, though I did have break-through cravings here and there. A few months later, there I was, buying between 30-60 pills at a time.

Somewhere near the end of my fling with the perc's, a friend at the time introduced me to a little green pill many of us are all too familiar with. I couldn't believe how much such a tiny pill could cost ($50 for an 80mg oxy), but after insuffilating only about 1/4 of it (20mg) I could understand why. I was high as a fucking kite, and it felt great. In the coming weeks 20mg became 40mg, 40mg became 80mg. Summer came along and this was when the economic recession really hit, car business was down a lot and money was tight. One night the same friend who introduced me to oxy had some brownish powder layed out on a plate at his apartment. He explained to me what it was, dope obviously, and that a tiny $6 bag/line would get me as high as an 80mg of oxy would. This seemed almost too good to be true.

Ill never forget the first night I tried dope, because even in all my years of experimenting with drugs, of which I have tried just about everything, I always told myself I would never try dope. That night the addiction won (as it almost always does) and I sniffed about 1/2 a bag of dope. He was right, I was about as high as I was getting on an 80mg, even higher actually. I remember walking to my car that night and puking every other step, feeling disgusted with myself, what have I done, etc etc. The fucked up thing is, the next night I did it again. This time an entire bag, and once again, it made me high as fuck, but also made me sick to my stomach once again. This went on for a few weeks, with my tolerence eventually working its way up to about 4-5 bag (insuffilated, never IV'd) a day habbit. The area we were getting the drugs in is a very well known drug hot spot, and without bringing up race, lets just say that those who are of white descent, stick out like a sore thumb in this area. We just felt like it was too risky, and decided to stop going there, and we went back to the Oxy's. Our rationalization was that it was "cleaner" we knew what we were getting, and we didn't have to go into any shady neighborhoods to get it.

Over the course of the next 2 months my habit went steadily from 80mg a day, to the point where I wasn't even getting a "nod" even if I sniffed 160mg in one shot. Both of us were running out of money (and more importantly, things we had once worked so hard for, to sell. Video games, electronics, etc.) It got so bad at a point we devised schemes to steal money, rob people, etc. Thankfully, we never were able to commit any of these acts.

Somewhere in the middle of all of this, we had been introduced to suboxen. A mutual friend of ours was prescribed the 8mg/2mg nal orange Subs. The first time I took one, it was a full 8mg, dissolved sublingually, was when I had a habbit of about 100mg of oxy per day. Within a few hours I was feeling great, the withdraweryl was gone, and I remember even 24 hours later I was still feeling somewhat "fucked up" if you could call it that from the sub, so much so that I actually threw up a day later. We were never big into subs, we would keep a few for a rainy day, or if any of us had WD symptoms really bad and wanted to curb them, but at this point the DOC was still oxy/dope.

Once we reached the habit of 160mg a day, he (my using buddy at the time) decided he wanted to stop doing all drugs and clean his life up. God bless him to this day he is still sober, and running NA meetings, now I am the one stuck in this rut and here is why. When we decided to clean up about a year and a half ago, a friend of ours gave us each about 10 subs to detox. I took subs, maybe one, or two of the days after stopping the oxy cold turkey. My friend stayed on sub a bit longer, about a week before stopping. The funny thing is, I don't even remember withdrawing that horribly. Sure, I had several episodes of night sweats, and pretty bad depression for about a month, but eventually that cloud lifted.

At this time, about a year and 4 months ago, I was clean of all opiates for about 2 months, mostly by choice, but I also was unemployed at the time, so I couldn't afford any drugs. I am pretty sure, no I am certain that had an oxy fallen in my lap, I would have used. After about 2 months or so of being opiate free I got a job finally. The very first thursday I got paid, I went to my guy and got an oxy 80mg. Pretty sure I had a habbit, but I thought it was under control. Every thursday when I got paid, I would get 80mg, and do it all thursday night. Fridays at work were rough because I usually didn't get much sleep and would still be high and on a lack of sleep. I thought I had everything under control. I rationalized with myself "I'm only doing it once a week", "I'm not withdrawing the days i'm not taking any, so I must not be building much of a tolerence, and I could stop at any time I want." Boy was I kidding myself.

The next 6 months my habit continued, where I would abstain for about a week, and then binge on oxy once a week, during this time I would occasinally get 30mg morphine pills (blue, time release) for free or basically nothing from a kid I had classes with who was suffering from colitis. Basically these pills never really got me high, even if I took a few of them, or snorted a few of them. But psychologically I felt I had to have them or I was going to get sick. Eventually he had to stop coming to school due to health issues. I then got in contact with another person who was prescribed both suboxen and subutex. I told him I was WDing, and he would give me some subs for very, very, very cheap. Every week or every other week I would pick up a handful from him, and up until about 4-5 months ago, I was taking 8mg a day. I decided I wanted to stop, and gave it a few days, felt ok, then after about 3 days, the WD hit me like a ton of bricks. Way worse than I had ever felt coming off oxy, it wasn't even so much the physical symptoms, but the mental depression and anxiety was enough to bring me to tears on several occasions and I thought I had fully lost my mind. I decided I needed to taper (after reading some info of this site, and several others). Eventually I was able to cut down to about 2mg sub a day, sometimes less, sometimes more. About 2 months this person stopped returning my calls and texts. Many of you know that jumping off at 2mg a day can basically be hell, so I decided I couldn't do this. I made a few calls, and found a few people that had subs, limited supply though. I then started buying them from other people, and due to the ever decreasing supply, I cut down further and further.

Now here is where I am, I do about 2mg of sub a day (insuffilated now). I just took my last dose of what I had left about an hour ago. All my "illegal" sub connections have gone dry and I know between school and working, jumping off at the habit I have, will be agonizing and brutal. Some of you may think I am "abusing" sub, but this is not the case, I am definatley an addict, and the subs have kept me from doing any full on opiates for about 5 months. Ideally what I would like to do is get a prescription, (ideally the 2mg subs) and continue tapering, down to and below .5 - .25 mg daily, then every other day, and eventually get off completely. I truly, truly, truly, do not want to be dependant on anything to make me feel normal or happy.

I am confused at what to tell the Dr. I feel if I am completely open and honest, he will feel I am just a junkie who is abusing sub, and looking for a script. Really, what I am looking for is enough medication to continue my taper, and get off fully. I did the last of my sub today, so that when I have my visit, it will be roughly 48 hours since my last sub dose, which SHOULD have me expericing some WD symptoms, so he can see that I am not bullshitting. Basically I'm stuck. I don't know weather I should lie and tell him ive been doing oxy so he gives me the script, or tell him basically about my sub usage and that I am looking for a very low maintence dose, and to work with a taper schedule. I called over 10 offices listed on the suboxen website, and this was the only one I found thus far that will accept insurance, so I really don't want to blow it with this Dr. and be forced into Dr. shopping.

Thank you for taking the time to read this giant wall-of-text, but its something i've felt like i've needed to get out of my system for quite some time. I'm curious as to what all of your opinions are, what you think I should tell the doc, and what you think of my story/addiction/problem.

Thanks again, good luck to all of you in your struggles, and god bless.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Feb 17, 2010 8:43 pm 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster
User avatar

Joined: Tue Feb 16, 2010 8:41 pm
Posts: 7
print this post and hand it to him. im on day 5 of full on withdrawl from a year of 12 mg sub use (kept me off heroin and oxy;s. i was doing basically the same as you, though i was doing far less heroin (cocaine in my case, but thats another board) . i was told going into detox that..7 days and i would feel fine after i was realeased after dosed 4 mg subs. then the WD's hit hard. Still hard but everyone is different bro. tell the truth. print this page. shit, you are on this forum with the rest of us trying to get your shit together. i am at the point to of heading to a non insurance covering sub doc. (cant wait any longer). $300 for the first visit. $230 the next. ouch right? just tell the truth, dont hide. they have heard it all before. and ive met in detox individuals who were taking 5-6 160 mg oxy's a day. it was a detox center that used suboxone. i was in for a week, got let out with nothing, bought more subs off the street used em all and now here i am, withdrawling. you wanna talk sub abuse? shit bro, i did hardcore, 2 8 mg subs at once, at 20 bucks a piece just to get high. addict addict.

youll be aiight. you gotta get on the suboxone to eliminate all the opiates. suboxone is an opiate yea BUT YOU CANNOT GET HIGH IF YOU BLEW TWO 80's. (ive tried) $160 down the toilet. thats whats kept me hardcore opiate free.
because psycologically you gotta know you cant get high anymore and your brain has to forget that heroin and 80's and percs all he same shit i did. thats what suboxone does for me anyway. i havnt touched heroin or oxy in a year and half and llike you, i was buying subs off the street. my supply ran out and here i am. tommorrow im prolly gonna go to a clinic, pay the $300 and sort out all the other shit.

good luck bro. hope i helped, if not, post again and ask away. i should be a pro at this insanity by now.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Feb 17, 2010 8:53 pm 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster
User avatar

Joined: Tue Feb 16, 2010 8:41 pm
Posts: 7
sorry, forgot to mention no one will dose suboxone unless you are in withdrawl already. if you take suboxone while you still have oxy in you, the suboxone will bump it out of the receptors and throw you into withdrawl. dont worry bro, be honest. as long as you have the will, they can help. suboxone is evil and good. evil in that you withdrawl like a biatch from it if you stop suddenly and good in that it will gaurenteee keep you from heroin and oxy;s because suboxone FORCES YOUR BRAIN TO ACCEPT THAT FULL ON OPIATES WONT GET YOU HIGH. and eventually, yea youll get dependet on subs. but, i think thats far better than being addicted to heroin or 80's or risking overdosing (you cant really od on suboxone, it has a cieling level, unlike heroin or hydroco's). be strong brotha and speak your mind. sorry for double post but i feel ya man.


Top
 Profile  
 
Our Sponsors
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Feb 17, 2010 10:04 pm 
Offline
Power Poster
Power Poster
User avatar

Joined: Wed Feb 03, 2010 9:31 pm
Posts: 60
I would tell your Dr. everything except the part about tooting the subs. He probably won't like hearing that. Just tell him you have been taking them orally and you want to continue taking them legally so you can stay away from th OCs. Good luck man. I just started on subs a few weeks ago after originally trying them off the street. I'm so glad that I'm on them now. It is so nice not to have to worry about using all the time anymore. I already feel like every part of my life is improving. Hope they can do the same for you.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Feb 18, 2010 11:03 am 
Hello Jerseykid! I'm glad you posted your story. And, after reading all of it, even more glad that it sounds like you're finally at the point of getting some real treatment for your addiction. Your story is certainly not unique....not at all, and we've all got our stories.....some more interesting than others....some with deeper 'bottoms' than others. Personally, I think you're low enough. I think you've tried long enough and enough times to stop all this on your own. It's not gonna work.
I'm sorry in advance if what I'm about to says offends you. I don't want to make you feel unwelcome here.....I want the opposite actually. You say that you're not abusing Suboxone.....that you're really using it to try and get clean. Okay the last part of that comment, I believe. However the first part is absolutely not the truth! You have been and are abusing the hell out of Suboxone. You're obtaining it illegally and you're snorting it for Gods sake. Come on.....you've gotta be willing to admit that that is abuse. You may not be using it to get high...but nonetheless, you're certainly not using it properly. What you and the people who've been selling their Sub to you are doing is potentially ultimately going to screw us all out of having the luxury of outpatient treatment with Suboxone. I'm not going to go any further with it than that....it's all been talked about here on the forum before and I don't want to start a big argument about it.
Whatever.....still the bottom line is that I believe you are ready to stop all this madness and that is what really matters the most! You've got to get off this rollercoaster and stop letting this disease rob you of all the good in your life. It sounds like you've got a lot going for you and you're young....too young to waste any more time on this craziness! You cannot do this by yourself. I promise you that! Getting a legitimate script and taking your Suboxone exactly as directed isn't going to get the job completely done either! It will be a fantastic start....but there will be more work to be done.
But start with the first step....go to your doctor's appointment tomorrow and tell the truth. Honesty is so important in recovery. First be honest with yourself and then start getting honest with others. You need help and that doctor is there to help you....let him or her do that. Tell the doctor what you've been doing....that you've failed in trying to treat your own addiction, and you're ready to surrender and get some help.
I'm not a doctor or an expert. I'm just someone like you who started taking a little bit of opiates years ago and it grew into an addiction that stole a great deal from me. I tried to handle on my own, tried abstinence-based recovery for a little bit, and finally ended up on Suboxone. It's been a Godsend for me and I think it can be for you too.
Good luck with your appointment tomorrow....be honest. Start living your life from that point forward without all the trash that addiction carries with it....you'll feel sooooo much better!
I say all the above with nothing but compassion and empathy....no judgment. I've done as bad or worse than buying Sub off the street. I just know it's important to own all of what we've done for what it is.....no more buying your Subs that way and no more snorting them!!!
Please come back and tell us how you're doing!


Top
  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Feb 19, 2010 11:51 am 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster

Joined: Wed Feb 17, 2010 4:58 pm
Posts: 4
Hey everyone, I wanted to give an update. First let me say thank you for the replys and things you have had to say. It's great to know I'm not alone and my story is far from unique.

I'm at about 40 hours free of all chemicals, and the WD's are starting to kick in pretty good. Last night was rough, lots of tossing, turning, kicking, throwing the covers off from being hot, pulling them back on being cold, goosebumps, sneezing, uncontrollable yawning, tearing, we know them all etc. I must be honest, I was really really close to making a phone call last night and getting some OC's to stave off the WD's but I knew number one, I wanted to be in a real state of WD for my Sub Dr. appt in a few hours. I plan on telling him my story, and the truth, about how i've tried to solve this problem on my own for a long time now and I can't do it alone without the help of anyone.

I can finally see now that this problem is much deeper than simply staying off of opiates. And though I used Subs on the blackmarket successfully (to a degree) to keep me off of "real" opiates, I still realize that my whole mind-set about it has been wrong. I've still been actively engaging in addict behaviors, and it is a cycle that I MUST break in order to have a chance at long term sobriety. Hopefully, obtaining my sub legally, and under the supervision and care of a doctor will be a huge step in the right direction, and help me at least a little bit in breaking some of these addict behaviors. I've also decided I want to see some sort of psychologist, or drug counselor, to find out more about myself, and why things became the way they were. Its obvious that I'm very depressed, and the depression is there with or without the drugs, its just magnified 100 fold when my brain chemicals are so unstable from doing this constant cycle of using, withdrawing, using, withdrawing, and it's another issue I need to work on in order to help myself. My appointment is in 3.5 hrs, I'm excited, I'm nervous, and most of all I'm happy that I'm at least taking a step to get this insanity under control. I will try to report back tonight with the results of the appointment, and keep you all updated from there. God bless.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Feb 19, 2010 12:39 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Mon Apr 13, 2009 2:11 am
Posts: 427
Location: Fishers, Indiana
Wow Jersey thanks so much for telling us your story. It always amazes me how similiar opiate addicts are. You virtually told my story. I hope you've made it to the doctor by now and you're no longer in withdrawal. Let us know how you're doing and I'm really proud of you. I wanted to add if you're dependant on Suboxone so what? You're not going to crave Suboxone or be spending crazy amounts of money per month to get high. Suboxone gave me back a semi normal life and although I was never cool on the idea of staying on Sub indefinately I kind of think that's what's going to happen. As hard as I've tried in the past to change my behavior, I would eventually use again. I don't say that to discourage you but I'm just saying in my opinion it's much better to be dependant on Suboxone (even for life) than eventually OD ing. You'll also be able to get back to living your life again. I know how dissapointed and ashamed you feel about your using history but I hope you begin to realize that everything you did to get high was the disease, not you. I truly hope you're well now :)
Take care
Matt

_________________
"If you're going through hell, ....keep going!"
-Winston Churchill


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Feb 19, 2010 1:06 pm 
Hi Jerseykid! Thanks for coming back and letting us know how you're doing. I know these last few days have been tough beyond words....we've all been there! Good for you for hanging on long enough to make it to your appointment today. As you described how you felt last night, it brought back such vivid memories....miserable, miserable nights in withdrawal that seemed endless at the time. I feel for you! But you've held on and things are getting ready to get so much better for you.
As vividly as I remember the horrors of withdrawal....I remember the first day I started on Suboxone. A truly magnificent day! I need to remind myself of it more often now that I've been on Sub for many months. The feeling of 'normalcy' that Suboxone gave me...the feeling of hope that came with those first few days on Suboxone was just wonderful!
You're on the road to recovery now. The fact that you were able just now to admit that this is bigger than you...that willingness to surrender...is imperative. I sense that you know that now and I'm real proud of you. Just get started on this medication, follow the direction of your doctor, get some additional help with your issues and start moving forward. The days of you figuring things out for yourself, by yourself, are over. I wish you a great day today and even better days to come!
Please keep coming here for support.....we want to help you, and in turn you'll be helping someone else who may be in the very same spot you were in a few days ago! Awesome! Take care and God bless!


Top
  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Feb 19, 2010 6:40 pm 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster

Joined: Wed Feb 17, 2010 4:58 pm
Posts: 4
Hey all thanks again for the replies. I just got back from my appointment with the Dr. After a battery of tests including blood work, an EKG, and a urine screen I was given a prescription for subs! For right now they gave me enough to get through the weekend, and a little extra in case of any break through cravings. I have an appointment back there on Monday to delve a little further into my using history, and get me pointed in the right direction for therapy and the other help I am going to need along the way. As of right now I am still WDing as I just took my first dose of sub in over 50 hours about 5 minutes ago. I know the feeling of relief will be here soon. It hasn't really hit me yet, but I know my life is going to change in a variety of ways. Feels great to be a "legal" member of the sub community, and not have to participate in addict behaviors to obtain it, or any other substance. Will be checking back soon. Take care, God Bless!


Top
 Profile  
 
   
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Feb 20, 2010 1:02 pm 
Offline
6 Months or More
6 Months or More
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 20, 2009 11:29 am
Posts: 246
Way to go! I look forward to your updates!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Feb 20, 2010 5:43 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 12:55 pm
Posts: 4933
Location: Leesburg, FL
Welcome to the forum and more importantly welcome to your recovery. It sounds like your head is really in the right place. Keep us posted - we're here for you.

Melissa

_________________
-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 11 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Our Sponsors
Suboxone Forum latest topics RSS feed Subscribe to the entire forum
 

 

 
Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

  • Board Certified Psychiatrist
  • Asst Clinical Professor, Medical College of Wisconsin

Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group