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PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2012 2:11 pm 
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Well guys, I'm feeling like a huge loser these days.

Most of you know I'm not into opiates but have really struggled with alcohol. I got six years free of alcohol. However, at the end of last month, I started drinking. Lots of stuff was happening. I was kind of overwhelmed, and that voice that says "you can handle it; it's been so long" got too loud.

After my sister's wedding, on Sept. 1st, I just kept going. My husband moved to another state for work, and I got super depressed. On Monday, I was watching my sister's house and I was hungover from the night before. I decided to drink, even though I had my little girl there with me, and I don't remember a whole lot after that. I know I seized; some neighbors took me to the hospital; and my daughter was left with some random dude while all that was happening. When I realized they couldn't find her, I FREAKED out. I was belligerent and combative, etc. You know how that goes. Then, my husband called to tell me I'd be losing the kids, there was a restraining order against me, there were child endangerment charges against me, I couldn't come home, etc. He said they would arrest me when I left the hospital or shortly thereafter. Basically, my life was over. I didn't want to call anyone to get me, so they gave me a bus pass and I took the bus to Walmart, then walked to my sister's apartment. Got the manager to let me in. I was so desperate to get my phone, because I was unraveling fast. When I got into the apartment, my purse and phone weren't there. I went knocking on neighbors door to ask if they knew what happened to my purse of if I could use someone's phone, but nobody was home.

I was just done. I wrote letters to everyone and got them all ready. Fed the cat. Then I drank a shitload of tequila, got in the bath and cut my wrists. This was very selfish, because I knew my mom was coming and would find me. That is exactly what happened.....I didn't cut deep enough and she came early....back to the hospital. Back to hell.

Then, I found out from a policeman who is my husband's friend that I do have a child endangerment charge that was filed, but all the rest was okay. My daughter was found with the neighbor, and she was fine THANK YOU GOD. There's no restraining order, etc. I'm not going to jail. I didn't even need to cut myself to begin with. CPS will be checking in on me, for sure, but it's not nearly so bad as I thought.

Okay, so I now I'm home dealing with the fall out. My mom is here and she's helping me. I'm back on seizure meds so I'm sorta groggy. The doc took my license until a neurologist clears me. I need to go to counseling and meetings, etc.

I seriously screwed up and the weight of it is almost too immense to wrap my head around. I CAN'T BELIEVE how I act when I drink.....like CANNOT BELIEVE IT!!! The people I would never have expected to be there for me have been there. The one person I thought I could count on has decided not to be there. When I moved here, I decided to not tell her I am alcoholic, because her husband is an alcoholic and I thought it may really bother her. When I got home, I got my purse and phone and there was a text from her that I've been reading over and over and over.

FUCK YOU! I know EVERYTHING! Are you fucking serious? you lying piece of shit! No wonder you're always on jay's side with the bullshit line "it's a disease!" "dear" IT'S A FUCKING CHOICE! You choose this! Cancer, now that chooses you! WOW! That's all I've got to say is WOW! I'm a sucker for sure! Lose my number- do not talk to me! I AM THEE wrong person to try and get attention from! YOU HAVE CHILDREN! YOU DO NOT MATTER! THEY DO! YOU SELFISH BITCH! You have NO IDEA how completely crushed and disappointed I am! Too good to be true is a GOD DAM UNDERSTATEMENT! Lol ✌PEACE!

Btw you "ran" to this town!!! it's kinda a small town!! Seriously???

And don't EVEN think of blaming anyone BUT YOU!!!! Did you think I wouldn't notice shit was going down? Did you think I would be like "hmmm- O'well, I can't get a hold of her!" A went to your house!!! Because we were worried! I have NEVER been so fucking mad then I am right now! Everything out of your mouth was a lie and I fell for it! You're good! I don't trust you! You come near me, my family or my house and it will not be a good situation! Leave me in peace! You owe me that!

A and I went to your house! There are other people in this world that care about you and yours! You aren't the only person here!!!!!!!! REALLY?


I just don't know what to say. I know I really messed up. Nobody can make me feel any worse than I already do. But this text....my best friend.....it just hurts like so much hell. It nearly broke me again but I can't let it.

Starting over, like so many of us have to.

laddertipper

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First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2012 5:19 pm 
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Wow,.. I've been thinking after 20 months clean that I miss my beer and friends. Your post just talked me out of this idea. Though I kid myself that I never relly had a drinking problem, I'm just making exsuses for doing it. Glad you made it out alive lad. What a story. Like they say stay viglant.. and your best friend is just tired of it all I guess. Idk, we just have to keep working at it, one day at a time over an over...


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2012 7:55 pm 
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Oh Ladder, I am so sorry you have been through all this. Sounds like a hellish experience from start to finish. Thank the gods above you are alive and (hopefully) doing a bit better now.
I am thankful your daughter is ok and that you are still in a position to see your babies. I know from your previous posts that you are a loving and wonderful mother. Please know I am rooting for you and sending you some love...We can all learn from your mistake and its clear how fragile our sobriety really is.

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2012 8:52 pm 
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Oh please, please, guys...don't do what I just did. I screwed everything up with my actions. I'm looking at a year of jail time over this and I'm a wreck. My family is wrecked. My whole town knows. And the worst part is that my kids are furious. My 14 year old is barely speaking to me. My 10 year old is staying with a friend and doesn't want to come home. My four year old is kinda oblivious but she feels something is wrong. It's just a huge mess. STAY SOBER.

laddertipper

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First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2012 9:17 pm 
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Reading your story reminded me of a quote from Winston Churchill, he said, "If you're going through hell, keep going."

Sending lots of love your way.

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2012 11:09 pm 
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Ahhh LT I'm sorry . Seems addictions torn through your life like a tornado these last couple of weeks. But you still have your life. Everything else is recoverable. It's just a matter of staying sober, and putting in effort to do the right thing.

I dunno about the US, but most magistrates / judges where I'm from these days approach addiction as an illness, and if a person's putting in serious effort to stay clean and better themselves, the courts look on it favourably.

Have you looked into naltrexone to curb your alcohol cravings? It has the double effect of blocking any opioids should you consider turning back down that path. Also how about AA? I know I'm not a big 12-step fan but it's the only real recovery group that's got any kinda established fellowship. It's kinda like a ready made lifestyle to jump into, and given you're in a new town and have lost someone you thought was one of your friends, people in those groups will be pretty understanding.

As for your friend. She definitely sounds hurt, and not that understanding of addiction. Even still it sounds too early to tell whether the friendship is salvageable. Things sound raw right now but who knows how things will better in time?


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2012 11:40 pm 
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Oh ladder, i am so sorry!


I havent been posting on here lately becauae i had a relapse too. At the end of may i was drug tested At Work and came up positive. I had two years of sobriety (on sub) but got depressed over personal shit and decided to use opiates. I had only been using for about a month and never got tested for work. (im an rn) i admitted i have a problem and was suspended. Im now starting over and am back in outpatient. Everyone knows and my Husband is royally pissed.

Addiction is a disease. Try not to get too upset over your friend. She is hurt right now but will hopefully come around. We both need to just keep doing the right thing and continue to move forward.

You are a strong lady and you will make it through this!

Thank you for inspiring me to post tonight. Im trying to let go of the shame and your courageous post helped me alot.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2012 12:01 am 
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Hey ladder,

I am sorry to read this. I am an alcoholic too. We both have that voice in out head that says "it will be different this time", it never is. Our minds trick us. No matter how bad the last time was or how bad it was in the past we can can easily ignore that for the idea of the sense of ease and confort that comes from a few drinks. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, If you got what I got, it just keeps getting worse even when we are sober. If we relapse, we dont get to start from scratch, it will be the same as if we were drinking the whole time. This is all stuff I got from AA, you probably heard it all before. But it helps me to stay sober even tho I think being on sub kind of helps keep away the desire to drink for me. I know that when I finish my taper I will need to be at meetings regularly. Your friends text is a cruel message from someone that is obviously not an alcoholic. She has no idea what it's like for you to have this disease. I think I read in the past that you used to attend AA, can't remember tho but I hope u give it another shot if that's the case and I really hope you don't have to go to to jail.

Best,

Glen b


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2012 12:08 am 
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Hey LT,

I dont know you very well, but I can tell you are a good person, with a very good heart.

This happens, shit happens.
Just like they say, if you wana dance, you gotta pay the band, and I guess your at the payin part now. :roll:

Im truely sorry your going thru this, but I think you WILL come out on the other side, even better than before.
may sound silly right now, but you'll get there.

Please stay strong and know that we are all in your corner. It really was a courageous thing, to come here and be honest and post all of that. Thanks for sharing and letting us in.

Sending every good thought I have your way, which is alot cuz my attention deficit is WAYYY out there , these days!!!!!!!!!


hey at least your not this guy!!!!
(just trying to give ya a good laugh)
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OuPCdOMdq_Y[/youtube]

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2012 12:16 am 
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Thanks so much for the replies. I love this place, because I can just let it all hang out.

Romeo, that quote is awesome and that's my new motto.

TeeJay, I will look into anything. I'm thinking I may need an antidepressant for a little while, and that would not be the end of the world. Whatever it takes to keep my head up....I'm paranoid that someone is coming to arrest me, and I just have to accept that whatever happens is going to happen. I'm going back to meetings AND bringing a notebook so the secretary can sign that I came. Then, I can take that to the judge. I hope I have a judge who at least partially understands the disease factor in addiction!!

Orange doll, I had a friend stop by yesterday, which is interesting, because when you are in this situation, you learn who is REALLY your friend. Anyway, she is not an addict, but she had such smart stuff to say, and she kept telling me that relapse is part of recovery. I know this, but I needed to hear it. We can make something good out of these bad experiences, but we just can't keep using!!

Tonight, two more friends stopped by and we went walking and talked about it all. It felt so good to have people not despise me. My kids are very angry and so is my husband, so I need a couple friends. It only takes a few kind peeps and it makes the world so much less dark. You guys on here are my friends, and that's why I posted.

Please, I beg anyone who thinks it's a good idea to switch from opiates to alcohol to rethink it. Alcohol can be just as evil as opiates. And you know what? I never did crazy shit like this on Suboxone. Alcohol makes you *intoxicated* and opiates do too. There's a big difference. Unfortunately, the downside to stopping Sub (for me) has been the return of cravings for alcohol. I felt cured of alcohol cravings, but that was just not so. Now that I'm off Sub, I'm having to deal with these cravings on a whole new level.

Not feelings so terrible at the moment, aside from hating the side effects from this Neurontin but knowing I have to take it to show I'm taking it all seriously and I am committed to being safe. If anyone has taken Neurontin, please tell me what your experience was with the side effects letting up. My side effects are being sick to my stomach, headache, fuzziness. I'm thinking they will go away, right? I'm on 600 mg today; tomorrow is 900. My neck really hurts too, but I think I did that from seizing.

laddertipper

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First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald


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 Post subject: Thank God...........
PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2012 1:34 am 
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Ladder........

I am so grateful that I include you in my prayers. You have helped me immmensly with the troubles I have had for the last 8 months and my relapse. I know you are a good person and the thing I admired you the most was that you were such a loving mom ...........and you still are.

You told me this is a deadly disease. Isnt it amazing that we can do this and one thing happens that shows us we really can;t do this. I am so glad you are ok and alive. God is on your side...........if you need to get back on suboxone then you know what needs to happen. We hear from Dr. J that some of us need long term treatment and when we quit sometimes the first time we die...............I know in this situation it was alcohol but it really is all the same. I lost my mom to alcholism.........

I truly care about you and you have helpd so many people on this site including me. I am so glad you told us and I am glad you have some support even if it is from this forum. As far as your best friend.............time takes time.........she may realize it or not......either way it will be her loss if she gives up on you as a friend.

No judgement here ..........I am just glad you are alive. You do have a great life ........children that love you (no matter what) a husband and many friends on this forum. The thing is I HATE THIS DISEASE..............

I challenge you to go back and look at all those that you have supported and helped including me and know that you are needed and make a difference. It does not matter what the reason is you relapsed...........stay alive...........love those children and love yourself .........your are a miracle ladder..............remember that. You survived..........because we all need you. You helped me and I will do whatever to help you......just call. Please use that phone of yours and if you need to go to treatment I will drive to Nevada and take you there............You are loved........

Jim


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2012 6:59 am 
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[font=Comic Sans MS]Hello Laddertipper. I don't know you AT ALL, but your post just cut straight through my heart. All I could do is sit here staring at it, and shaking my head with tears in my eyes. Not shaking my head in disgust, or disappointment, or contempt. Nothing like that. Just shaking my head like "But for the grace of God, go I."

I haven't shared this on the forum yet, but now seems like an appropriate time. 5 years ago, I was heaviest into my addiction. That was the worst time for me. I had just returned to Georgia, because custody of my 2 year old was given to her abusive father because of my addiction. When I got there, I assumed that I would see her because, well, he told me to just move down there and he would let me see her all the time while I got my life together. I should have known better, but when it comes to your children, you will do anything. ANYTHING. After being there for about 2 weeks and not seeing her, I just couldn't pull myself out of the depression that I was in. All day every day, I ate pills, and slept. I didn't shower for over a week at a time, I didn't eat, and I didn't speak to anyone. Which made it really easy to disappear permanently.

So, I slit my wrists. I don't mean that I cut them, or caused a little blood. I hit bone. I required 16 internal stitches, and 8 staples on one wrist, and just stitches in the other. (apparently I cut through the tendons so I had no strength to cut the other one)
I was put into the hospital for 3 days on watch. Convinced the doctor that I just wanted attention, and wasn't trying to take my own life. The day I got out, I went home, and slit my own throat. I can remember being angry when I woke up in the hospital alive. I didn't know it at the time, but God had bigger plans for me.

Fast forward to 4 and a half years later. This past January, I had that same kind of depression. This time right now is THE WORST TIME OF YEAR for me. Starting in August and right on through the holidays. Well. something broke in me, and I overdosed on Tramadol and Xanax. I woke up three days later in the cardiac unit of our local hospital. That wasn't the bad part. I had no idea where my son was, no idea how I got there, and no idea what was coming.

Apparently, while I was high, I blacked out, and put a drawer in my oven, and turned it on. Well, my neighbor smelled smoke and knocked on my door. When I didn't answer, her husband kicked it in. There I sat on the livingroom floor, holding my son in my lap, watching sprout tv, while my kitchen is in flames just 5 feet away. Smoke was so thick in the apartment (they tell me), that they couldn't breathe or see. And I was oblivious. We could have died. Or worse, I could have lived, and killed my only reason for breathing...my son. It makes me cry now, just to type this. Thank God for nosey neighbors.

10 days later I was discharged, and had charges against me for child endangerment, Children and Youth were all over me, and I was not allowed to be alone with my son for 3 long months. I stayed with my mother who was granted temporary custody. She made sure she treated me like shit too while we were there. Eventually it all cleared up, and the charges were dropped because children and youth closed the case as unfounded. I was lucky.

I did stop speaking to my mother because of her using my son as a weapon. I WILL NOT tolerate that. Now, though, everything is ok. Everything is great actually. My son and I are doing great. I have a really really nice place, enough money to take care of us and then some, and we have a life. The last thing I need to do is find a good church. I want him to be raised in chuch. But that 's besides the point.

Ladder, you are going to be ok. There is a good chance that when CPS finishes there investigation, sees that you are getting help, and taking this seriously, because it is, the police will PROBABLY drop the charges for child endangerment. Probably.

If you need to talk to someone who understands where you are, PM me. I mean it. I was alone when I went through all of this. Even though I wasn't physically alone, noone understood completely where I was and what I was going through. I would never intentionally hurt my child. Never! And neither would you. You are a great mother, I can tell by reading your posts from times ago. You have the heart of an angel. You are such a great person, and everything is going to work out. Keep your head up and keep moving forward. I will keep you in my prayers, and God Bless...[/font]

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2012 7:17 am 
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Ladder, I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been suffering through lately...or I should say what you've survived. And that really is the way I'd look at it. YOU SURVIVED!!! Try to focus on that. I know it's hard, to say the least. But you ARE still here and you still have your kids. It may not seem that way now and it feels like everything's all fucked up, but it's not permanent. Kids are resilient and no matter how they are acting now, you're their mother and they love you. They will come around.

I've watched you grow over the last couple+ years and I can tell you clearly you are a survivor. You WILL get through this, of that I'm sure.

You asked about Neurontin. I used to take it as a mood stabilizer. I never had any side effects with it. I've heard it does make some people groggy though, but that may actually pass following the first several days/week of treatment. I'm hoping that works for you as well. It really depends on the dosage and how often you take it during the day. I used to take 800 mg three times a day, but with me I never got that grogginess.

To be honest, ladder, I feel woefully inadequate here as I don't have kids and can't really relate to your experience personally, but please know that I do care about you and if there was something I could do for you, I'd do it in a NY minute. From my experience in therapy I do know that all we can do when we are this overwhelmed is to take one step at a time; it's all we can expect from ourselves. Keep your recovery and health in mind and keep moving forward. Use this forum as you need and post as often as you see fit. We're here for you, I hope you know that. Hang in there.

I only wish I had something more substantial to say to you.

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2012 10:19 am 
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Ladder,
First of all I want to say that I love you and my heart is breaking that you have suffered through this. Second, I thank God that you and your daughter physically OK. I know there is a lot of emotional trauma, but as long as you're breathing there is still hope.
One thing that gave me chills is that the day before you posted this, I had a thought of you drinking. I had been away for a "girl's week-end" and had some alcohol. Because I'm back on Suboxone it really had no effect on me and there's no appeal to it. I was thinking how, for me, Sub really blocks the desire for any mood altering chemical. Then for some reason I was thinking about how you said you were a hardcore alcoholic, and now you were off Sub after 5 years. I was wondering if being off would give you a renewed desire to drink. God, I wish I had been wrong. Reading this makes me less sure about wanting to get off Sub. I had an uncontrollable urge to use opiates when I went off it, and I used.

Anyway, I'm here for you no matter what. We all are. We're addicts and we know what you're going through. As far as your friend, that text was written in the heat of anger. Delete it and don't keep tormenting yourself over it.

Keep moving forward. I'm not a person who believes that everything you gained over years of sobriety is lost with a relapse. You have a lot of information and a lot of skills. I know you will succeed. I also know you're a good Mom and your kids will forgive you in time. Take good care of yourself, and please keep posting.
With love and healing thoughts,
Lilly


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2012 10:31 am 
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Orange doll, I'm sorry about your relapse too. I recently went through a relapse on opiates and just about ended my marriage, so I know what you mean about your husband being pissed. We're all in this mess together - I'm glad you decided to post about it, and I wish you the best on your recovery.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2012 12:03 pm 
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Orange Doll, I'm sorry you experienced a relapse too.

Coming from someone who has had a few lapses of his own I wanted to tell you that one of the most important things you can do is learn from it. Stop being ashamed, learn from your mistake and move on. You can use this relapse to make you stronger and wiser.

Best of luck to ya!!

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 Post subject: checking in...
PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2012 2:10 pm 
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Three days of no alcohol.

Jim, I thought of you after this happened. I thought about how you got down just as low and you kept going. You are still going. If I really did help you, then I'm so happy. I HATE THIS DISEASE TOO!!!! It is insane. Absolutely horribly insane. I mean....what the HELL?!?!

Goinstrong, wow....you get it. I read your story several times and I'm so thankful that you shared it and that you got past it. I'm so scared to have all this crap hanging over my head. I'm going to do whatever I have to do to show this deputy how serious I am. I'm terrified of what alcohol does to me.....it makes me shiver to think about it.

Hat, I need to start seeing myself as a survivor. I don't feel like one right now, but I guess I have survived some pretty crazy shit. My blood alcohol lever was .5. Apparently, I should have needed a ventilator. I don't even remember what I drank and couldn't even tell them. .5 is a lot of alcohol. Scary!!!! That first drink and it is true....I'm screwed after that first one.

Lilly, that is creepy. Lemme tell ya, this relapse started with wanted to fit in with the girls. That is how it all began. That's where the delusion that I could drink normally came in. I don't WANT to be a drunk. I don't WANT to be alcoholic. But I just am, as were many generations of my family before me.

Romeo, how do I stop being ashamed? My mom is having to take care of me and drive me around. I'm gonna have to work on that one.

The Neurontin is kinda kicking my butt, but the pharmacist told me that it's just temporary. I feel WEIRD.

My 10-year old daughter still doesn't wanna come home. She's been at my friend's since Tuesday. I MISS HER! But my mom thinks she needs her space. She won't text me back.....It just makes me sad, and now I am also MAD....because my 'best friend' who wrote that text was yelling and screaming about what I did at cheer leading......right around my daughter....who did not know about me trying to kill myself. This is not okay.

laddertipper

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 Post subject: Your Friend
PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2012 2:12 pm 
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Hey LT,

That so called friend of yours sure blew that relationship. My take on that is she took all her anger out at you instead of her husband because you were an easy target and down so low a couple of kicks won't hurt. She's probably been building up this anger for a very long time and you lit the fuse and she went ballistic. That's my take on it anyway.

Being an alcoholic like you I truly believed you were immune to an alcohol relapse. You've always seemed so much more together than me with being able to kick the Suboxone. Thanks for the warning about alcohol cravings, I'll file that for later.

You know you have so many friends here you can count on and that includes me. As everything in life, you will get through this too and be happy once more. It just may take some time for everyone to forgive you.

Hey, I looked death in the eye and here I sit. It was a terribly rough road but I did get to the end of it and you will to.

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 Post subject: A NOTE FROM SLIPPER...
PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2012 2:12 pm 
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Dear Ladder,
Don't beat yourself up ....my screen name...Slipper fits me...I was the queen of slips in AA for over 20 years!!
I have seen people in AA that are doing so well and may have 9 or 11 years sober and then boom...relapse...
It just happens sometime. My drinking got so bad my husband said he was not going to live with a drunk wife...if there
was anything he hated it was a drunk woman...It was an ultamatium...so I just slowly switched to pills...This was years
ago when I was in my 30"s....then I became a full blown prescription drug addict...for over 29 years....tried everything
AA NA, treatment centers, counseling...nothing worked for me until I found suboxone. The bup stopped my addiction.
I mean stopped it. Instantly..I could not believe it...a pill under my tongue could make me feel normal again..like when
I was a little girl...free...no cravings for drugs...alcohol...natha...It has been my miracle drug...

Through all the things I did , I have topped what you have done here...I finally got to a point where I just could not get
enough drugs anymore...so I drank inbetween...and then started calling my own scripts in. I am an R.N., so I knew the
lingo...got a dea number off aDr.s script pad.. I called it in everywhere and for a long time it worked...but I knew deep
down if I kept doing it I would eventually get caught...and I did...got arrested in a Walmart about 60 miles from my
home town. My home town is small too and their paper called our paper and the paper called the school where I was
school nurse and teaching high school...you can imagine...so everybody in town knew about me too...

I was beaten down, ashamed, depressed, hopeless, helpless, alone, done...I was sure my husband was going to leave me and
I had to look my two boys in the eye and tell them I had been arrested..and they started crying..they were in their
early 20"s...I also cut my wrists, and cut myself again at another time...but not deep enough to kill myself...to afraid to
go all the way with it...

I waisted 29 years of my life drinking and drugging. All through those years when I was young in my 30's and 40's
just waisted.

You are still young, ladder... and yes you have pulled a good one..just like we all do...but when you get some sobriety
under your belt and th ings settle down...and they will settle down...you will get your life back. .....and you h ave young
children to raise and a husband that might be worth saving ,,,if possible...admit and ask forgiveness...that is all you can
do...and you are right..you will find out who your real friends are...everyone has skeletons in their closet...you do not
have to be an addict/alcoholic to have messed u p in life...and these people will forgive you and love you and be your
true friends...and your best friend, if you ever get a chance to talk with her might just come around,,, and if she
doesn't she was not your true friend in the first place.

i guess what I am saying is youth is on your side..you have time to get better and still have a lot of life and joy to live.
i am 63 years old...and I have only been sober for the last two years I have been on subutex...they can all say
what they want to about this drug..but it saved my life,my marriage, and gave me hope for the future...and I am not
nearly ready to come off of it...i may never be ready..I may decide to stay on a very low maintenance dose..I just
don't know yet..

But you just remember you still have young children.and all this stuff out against you will not be nearly as bad as you
think...make a list and start going to meetings and get the sheet signed to show the judge or whoever that you are
trying to get better...and you will get better...it is just now things look so dismal to you...but time will heal all of this.

I wish I had those 29 years back to do over again...maybe I would do things differently...
There is great hope for you..you are not done yet...you have a lot of life left to live...I hope for you the very
best of everything...your family loves you, and they will come around after the anger subsides..

you hang in there..
Slipper

_________________
"For evil to flourish, all that is needed is for good people to do nothing." >> Edmund Burke


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2012 4:56 pm 
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LT, you asked, "How do I stop being ashamed?"

First of all, you're gonna have to accept what you did. You're gonna have to accept it and own it. Next, you're gonna have to forgive yourself. Then you're going to have to find a way to stop worrying about what others think of you. Are any of these things gonna be easy, nope. Are these things necessary for you to move forward with your recovery, yep. So, you have a choice. You can keep beating the snot out of yourself and stifle your recovery or you can do what I said and once again start moving forward in your recovery.

I wonder if you remember that YOU'RE one of the people who helped teach me these things? You're one of the people who helped me find recovery. When I was lost, you helped me (and countless others), now you're lost and we're here to help you find your way again.

Also, I hope you don't think that you're the only one who has pulled some bone head moves. Goingstrong just shared her tragic experience with you, Slipper shared her experience with you. I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but one of the worst kept "secrets" where I work is that I'm a recovering addict. I've really only been clean a few years, so most of that time I was working, I WAS stoned and a lot of people knew it. Talk about being embarrassed and ashamed. Every day I would go into work, I would get looks from people. When new people started at work, one of the first things they were told through the gossip mill was about me and my drug use. I too live in a small town. A shit ton of people know I'm a major drug addict, or was anyway.

At some point, I had come to the realization that my shame and guilt were killing my recovery and that I had to just accept the shit I had done, forgive myself and move on because my recovery, my survival, depended on it. You and a few others told me to do this, but it sure did take me a while to get it through my thick skull. Plus, like Slipper said, EVERYONE has skeletons in their closet. The people who say they don't any have the most!!! :wink:

I know all this shit is hard Bud, I know it is. I also know that you're not going to be able to forgive yourself for all of what you did by 5pm this evening. This crap is going to be a process and it's probably gonna be a long one, but I have faith that you can and will do it!!!

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Be kind to yourself. Our character defects do NOT define who we are!


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Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

  • Board Certified Psychiatrist
  • Asst Clinical Professor, Medical College of Wisconsin

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