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PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2012 4:54 pm 
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[font=Comic Sans MS]Awwww Ladder, I knew that the last one, jsut needed to get her feelings out to you. She just seemed really nice to your daughter, and generous. I'm glad that you guys worked it out. I love to hear things like that.

So, 15 hours a week?? That should keep your brain busy for a while. And in all honesty, that is probably a good thing. Then you don't have to dwell on "I need to clean this, or I have to go here, or whatever". Just focus on you. YOu deserve it, and so do your children. Really ladder, we are all pulling for you! I do keep you in my prayers every night, and I know Amy is more than happy to Kick some ass for ya if needed! So, I think we got ya covered!!! LOL!

Have a good night, and try to get some rest![/font]

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, 2012 10:01 am 
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Goinstrong wrote:
[font=Comic Sans MS]Awwww Ladder, I knew that the last one, jsut needed to get her feelings out to you. She just seemed really nice to your daughter, and generous. I'm glad that you guys worked it out. I love to hear things like that.

So, 15 hours a week?? That should keep your brain busy for a while. And in all honesty, that is probably a good thing. Then you don't have to dwell on "I need to clean this, or I have to go here, or whatever". Just focus on you. YOu deserve it, and so do your children. Really ladder, we are all pulling for you! I do keep you in my prayers every night, and I know Amy is more than happy to Kick some ass for ya if needed! So, I think we got ya covered!!! LOL!

Have a good night, and try to get some rest![/font]


My brain is being kept busy :D I'm not waking up and going 'Oh SHIT...yes, I remember' anymore. And this is the most time I've ever spent on recovery by far. I've only ever been to detox, never any sort of intensive program. It makes me want to find a career helping other addicts/alcoholics, because there are soooooo many of us, and we are sooooooo awesome. :D

I learned that my ex-best friend's daughter (5) has been asking constantly about seeing my littlest one (4), because they are/were best friends. My little one asks me the same thing all the time, because they used to hang out most days. And my ex-best friend tells her daughter they cannot play, because I'm a 'bad person'. My older daughter and her older daughter were doing a talent show dance together and we already had much of it worked out, and now my daughter is booted because I'm a bad person.....kinda crappy, since I came up w/ a lot of it, but oh flipping well. And her response to her husband being an alcoholic, who is not even trying to recover is 'I'm stuck with him, but I'm not stuck with Sarah.' What a SCHMUCK! I am not drinking anymore, dumb ass! I am glad I got to see this very, very cold side of her. I will pray for her (even if I really don't want to!). She has made this whole thing way easier on me, because she may be disgusted with me, but I am equally disgusted with her.

I love you guys!
Sarah/ladder

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, 2012 1:08 pm 
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I feel so vengeful right now....I need to let it go, but my ex-friend is occupying my mind and making me :x :x :x

All this shit talk she does about me to her kids will come back eventually to my kids and I don't see why I have to take it....

I am owning my own crap and I have no more secrets and nothing to lose. If she wants to blame everything on me being an alcoholic, how bout her kids knowing that she is a pothead? She has turned her kids against their dad for being a drunk, and then she gets high because it 'makes her a better mom'. FOUL!! And she cannot even grow a set of balls and speak to ME, instead of speaking behind my back.......AHHHHHHH!!!! I swear that if my daughter hears that she is booted from their dance or cannot be friends w/ my friend's kids anymore, I will let my daughter know that SHE cannot be friends with THEM because their dad is a drunk and their mom is a pothead, and she can let them know that....THAT IS SO EVIL OF ME!!! I know this, but I am PISSED!! I am now in recovery....there ain't no recovery going on at my friend's house. Drive by there on a Sat night and you will see lots of intoxicated people and smell weed and booze pretty strongly. It's so unfair. How do I let this go?

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, 2012 2:39 pm 
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laddertipper wrote:
I feel so vengeful right now....I need to let it go, but my ex-friend is occupying my mind and making me :x :x :x

All this shit talk she does about me to her kids will come back eventually to my kids and I don't see why I have to take it....

I am owning my own crap and I have no more secrets and nothing to lose. If she wants to blame everything on me being an alcoholic, how bout her kids knowing that she is a pothead? She has turned her kids against their dad for being a drunk, and then she gets high because it 'makes her a better mom'. FOUL!! And she cannot even grow a set of balls and speak to ME, instead of speaking behind my back.......AHHHHHHH!!!! I swear that if my daughter hears that she is booted from their dance or cannot be friends w/ my friend's kids anymore, I will let my daughter know that SHE cannot be friends with THEM because their dad is a drunk and their mom is a pothead, and she can let them know that....THAT IS SO EVIL OF ME!!! I know this, but I am PISSED!! I am now in recovery....there ain't no recovery going on at my friend's house. Drive by there on a Sat night and you will see lots of intoxicated people and smell weed and booze pretty strongly. It's so unfair. How do I let this go?


[font=Comic Sans MS]
Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone....This woman needs to be slapped upside the head with a Bible!

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I can feel your anger and frustration! And you are so entitled to it right now. If this were me, I would write her a letter. Let her know that poisoning your children's minds with garbage that isn't true, is NOT OK with you. I would tell her that I was ok with it when it was just her addressing me, but that she has crossed a line. I would also mention that she is in no position to judge anyone, since she has no problem raising her kids in a house with a drunk and a pothead. Not to mention the parties that go on. Be respectful and don't swear at her, its just not classy. Don't stoop to her level. Then, when you are all done, burn it. If you want to give it to her, that is up to you. I support you either way. In fact, if it was me, I'd give it to her. If she had done the texting thing and dropped it, I'd say let it go. But she has slandered your name (which is illegal), and now she is harassing your children. In the state of Pennsylvania, you only have to ask somebody ONE time, IN WRITING, to not contact you.(this includes direct or indirect contact) Anything after that, is fair game for filing a harassment charge. Look into the laws in your state. Alternately, you could talk your sister and get some free legal advice. She isn't going to stop treating you like garbage, it's just the kind of person that she is. You need to do what is best for you. Romeo is pretty good with advice on this stuff....maybe he'll chime in...LOL

Pretty much Ladder, what I do with people that attack me, is let go of them. They are just insecure with themselves, and are going to look outward to blame others for their own shortcomings, when they should be looking inward. I think that praying for people not only helps them, but it helps us to retain an inner peace. You don't have to let her bother you. That is giving her control over you. You are letting her dictate how you feel. I don't allow ANYONE to dictate how I feel. Although I am positive that if they were telling my children things about me, that I would be singing a different tune.

The bottom line is, that you need to do whatever it is, that is going to make you be OK. That's all. It doesn't matter how she feels at all. You are the most important person in your life, and your childrens lives. I hope that whatever you do decide to do, that you let us know. You have my support either way. But seriously, writing the letter, even if you don't send it, will probably help you to feel a little bit better. Good Luck~Take care....[/font]

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, 2012 4:51 pm 
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Hi Sarah,
Usually there is an option between inpatient rehab and IOP called PHP (partial hospitalization) which is 5 days a week for 4 hours/day. I did PHP first and then stepped down to IOP after a month or so. Be aware that not everyone in these outpatient programs actually WANTS to get sober. Some are there because of court, DCF or whatever. Just mentioning it because I gave a ride home to a girl who ended up putting drugs in my face. I checked myself into the program and I really hadn't prepared myself of the fact that other people in there were still using. So be selfish and protect your Sobriety.

As far as your ex- friend goes, I'm going to assume you only said you were going to do that because you were venting. Keep praying, and sticking with positive people.
(((hugs)))
Deb


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, 2012 5:11 pm 
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Hey LT -

I know it sucks and it's hard to take the high road in situations like this, but I think if you do you'll always be glad you did. I can't even imagine how infuriating it must be to have your kids dragged into this drama. You probably want to go into full mama-bear mode and give this b*tch a taste of her own medicine. But I don't think escalating the situation is going to help you let go of your anger any faster :wink: In any case, I'm pretty sure you were just venting, right?

It's funny that you asked about letting go of the hurt and angry feelings. I was just reading through some old blog posts of mine where I was struggling through the same thing. I would think I had let the feeling/situation go, and then it would come back again. Over time I figured out that I had to let myself actually feel the anger first and find a way to process it before I could let it go. I couldn't just rationalize it away because anger, like any emotion, has a physical component as well. Finding some way to externalize the feelings can help, through exercise or beating up a pillow or something. I used to go to the beach and hurl rocks into the water until I felt better, it was strangely cathartic. You have to find a way to get all those angry chemicals processed out of you, and it might take going through a few cycles especially if your frenemy keeps adding new insults to the injury.

Once the feelings are processed though, they are easier to let go. I think everyone has their own way of going about that; I usually just have to not engage with thinking about the situation or person who triggers the feelings and keep reaffirming to myself that I am letting it go. If I find that I can't stop dwelling on it, it's usually because I'm still repressing something. It doesn't happen overnight, and it's always a process, but it's a good skill to keep in practice. It sure does come in handy when dealing with assholes! :D

Are you talking with your kids at all about the things that are being said about you? Or do they have someone to talk to?

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 26, 2012 1:34 am 
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Goinstrong, I love the letter idea, and in fact, I already started one. I won't give it to her, because she is so closed minded that it would not even make a dent. I will probably write it and keep it. I am afraid at this point that she will come around someday, and I don't want to forget these things. I want to forgive but not forget. In the spring, she will be my son's basketball coach. Next fall, she will be my little one's cheer coach. There has to be a confrontation or resolution at some point, and normally people can't stay mad at me when that happens. I own my shit and I never know everything. It's hard to stay mad when someone is sorry for what they did and has taken dramatic steps to change. However, I don't want to forget how easily she cuts people out....and how low she is willing to go.

Lilly, that is exactly what my sponsor said about IOP, and in fact, this is true. I believe everyone there is court ordered to be there, except for me. It also happens that my sponsor works in the court system. This is a stroke of good luck, because she knows exactly what I need to show the judge and she is willing to guide me through it. I'm starting to think that if I stay this course, these charges will be reduced or dropped. Even though they are court ordered, I like the people in my class and they surprised me with how serious they seem to take it. There are mandatory drug tests.

DOAQ, I am not talking to my kids about what is being said, because so far, my ex-friend's kids are keeping pretty quiet. However, it is only a matter of time before it comes back to them. My daughter will want to know why her dance routine has evaporated....my littlest one wants to see her BFF. I did tell my little one that we cannot see them anymore, because my friend and I have had a disagreement. She kinda let it go. My son knows she is mad and why. My middle daughter is blissfully unaware as of yet. We are going to family counseling soon at the same place as I am going to IOP.

I went to a meeting today, after realizing I was way too furious and amped up. That really calmed me down and put me back on track. It's weird how things start going your way when you are doing what you know you need to do.

Then, I went to my new doctor, since my former beloved doc fell off a cliff and died. Anyway, my new doctor was WONDERFUL. He has all my records, including the ones from the ER. He treated me with complete respect and kindness. I did not feel like he looked down on me at all. I told him EVERYTHING. He listened to it all and gave me a HUG and told me the world needs me and my kids need me and that I deserve to take care of myself. He told me that he will make sure I am doing better. He ordered an EEG to check that my brain waves are okay. He is willing to sign off that I can drive after the required three months of no license. He also started me on an antidepressant, which I can pick up tomorrow. My sponsor is supportive of me taking an antidepressant, and she takes one herself. FYI, my sponsor has 22 years of sobriety.....I have a phone appointment w/ my new doc in 2 weeks and another office visit in 4 weeks. I mean....holy crap....I'm honest with a doctor and he doesn't wrinkle his nose at me? I was so shocked and felt so FREE! I almost wanted to cry.

THEN, I went to get my hair done later with that one friend who vented at me. She is my daughter's cheer coach too. We had so much fun. We talked about normal stuff and I mentioned AA and IOP here and there and how it works and she just listened and was supportive. HOLY CRAP! People do come around.....She dyed my hair black w/ blue tips and it looks AWESOME. Another cheer mom works there, one of the moms I have been so nervous to see....and she found me the coolest gel polish and we are gonna do some crazy sparkly stuff soon. It was all so normal and okay. THEN, I went to pay and guess what?? My husband had already paid the bill. I was blown away. No clue how he arranged that from CA, but it was a lovely surprise.

Then I came home and my sister had cooked dinner for all of us....and we did puzzles together. THEN....this is the best part....my 14-year old son, who is too cool to even have a mother at all, lol.....he said he was going to bed, came up and hugged me, and he said 'I love you, Momma.' OMG!!!! I'm doing a better job than before I started drinking. What is happening to me? LOL!

I guess what I'm getting from this is that, regardless of the shit we have all done, it is not too late. We have to stop beating ourselves up, take the necessary steps to get stable and into recovery, and the rest works itself out. Whether the steps include Suboxone or antidepressants or whatever is a personal decision, but the universe really does reward us when we start taking good care of ourselves and each other, and what we need to do to take care of ourselves is a personal thing that we each have to figure out. The antidepressant thing has seemed like such a weakness to me....but guess what? Depression and suicide runs very badly in my family, and I'm depressed. I need help with this.

Regardless of what we have done, we are not defined by only that. I love meetings, because I can encourage other people as well. You may meet the scariest looking dude with a zillion tats and he may start crying over what he has done....that happened today....and it's a great reminder that you can't judge a book by its cover or a person by the crap they did when they were loaded.

I feel good tonight and my big boy loves me. :)

Sarah

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 26, 2012 2:29 am 
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It's great to hear you sounding so much stronger and much more positive. And to hear you're getting back some sense of normalcy. And yes, when you start treating yourself with love and respect, you'll get it back from the world. I'm proud of you, Ladder, and you should be, too. You've come a long way in a short time - you'd come a long way already, but with regard to this situation, you really have gotten a hold of yourself and have done what needed to be done for you and your family. Pat yourself on the back, you deserve it.

I just wanted to tell you that.

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 26, 2012 4:10 am 
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[font=Comic Sans MS]Oh Ladder, you're post made me cry! I'm sitting her like a dunce wiping tears off of my face. :oops: Wow, I am so so so happy for you and the way that things are going for you. There is no greater feeling in the world than having our child wrap their arms around us, and tell us that they love us. It is so rewarding.

I would absolutely LOVE to see your hair!!! Black with blue tips? Sounds super cool! I am a hairdresser, and my passion is in color! I used to love when the trendier clients would come in for 2 or 3 different colors at a time, with a bold contrast like black/blue! I'll bet getting your hair done, and then talking to your other friend that you were nervous about seeing, was such a load off of your shoulders. It sounds like you had a very normal and fun girls day! I had one of those this past weekend. They truly are reviving. So glad to hear all of this.

About the letter, I think that you are doing the right thing. You have to be around her quite a bit here in the upcoming year. It is wise to think that far ahead. I should have mentioned not to give it to her unless you were absolutely certain that you never want her in your life again. It can be very healing though to just get out. It's good that you already started it. Great minds think alike eh?

It sounds like everything is right on track with your IOP and meetings, just keep up the great work.
Your doctor sounds absolutely fantastic! I wish I were able to have one like that! Not through the government though....far from it. The way that he treated you is just remarkable. Those are the ones that are doing what they do, to help people. Good for you for finding him.

So, recap...hair and nails~on your husband, wonderful conversation with forgiving friends, dinner and games with you sister and children, and a hug that made me cry, from your son! What a great day!!!! Congratulations Sarah! Things are looking up, and will continue to, as long a you keep on doing the next right thing. I feel like I've gotten to know you on this little journey here, and I just could not be prouder of you for how you've handled it all with grace and class. You are an inspiration![/font]

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 27, 2012 11:28 am 
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Thank you, Hat! Now if I could just get my husband to treat me with respect. That would be fantastic. I'm realizing a lot of things in counseling that I need to work on. Being in counseling with a big group of women is very helpful!

Goinstrong, thank you too. FYI, my hair was driving me nuts. She stripped the ends and dyed the top part black. We did the blue and it just would not take. We tried another blue....still would not take.....tried another brand and it kinda took, but it's so dark that unless I'm in the sun, you really can't tell. I guess it looks kinda cool. She sent the blue home w/ me and I put it on yesterday and let it sit for four hours (Chromasilk). Apparently, this has never happened to her before. She is definitely a perfectionist and it was driving her crazy, lol. My hair refuses blue! I'm gonna have to do orange next time....(for Halloween!). Now it's kinda purple and some parts or blue. I like it tho!

If my husband wasn't so against it, I'd have rainbow hair, ten piercings, and lots of tattoos, lol.

Sarah

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 27, 2012 11:58 am 
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[font=Comic Sans MS]LOL, just my style! You'd never know it by looking at me now, but about
10 years ago, I had my nose, lip, labret, both eyebrows, tongue, belly button,
and of course about 10 holes up each ear! My husband at the time said that I
looked like I fell in a tackle box! LOL! He was funny!

About the color, chromasilk isn't a bad color line at all! I wonder what happened. I'm like
your friend when it comes to that stuff. She stripped it first, so I can't see why it wouldn't
take...hmmm...ONLY thing that comes to mind for me is it was either semi permanent instead
of permanent, or she used 10vol instead of 20vol. But if she is like you say she is, then I doubt
that she made a rookie mistake like that. Some people just have resistant hair. Ususally it
is to red, and not blue. Oh well, the orange should be really cool!

Your husband is going to treat you exactly how you allow him to treat you. I'm not saying that you allow him
to treat you that way anymore, but if you allowed it, or at least turned the other cheek, in the beginning, he probably
just assumes that he can, and you'll get over it. I was the same way. I used to let it go just to avoid a fight. In fact
I still DO let it go when people treat me like that. For a while. But a person can only be belittled and talked to
in a condescending manner for so long before they flat out STOP taking it. That's how I am anyway.
You are a great woman Sarah, and you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. I loved group therapy
with women when I went. It was for 6 weeks, and it was really great for teaching you how to be assertive, and
stand up for yourself. Some people confuse assertive with aggressive. They will claim to be assertive, but really
they are just aggressive, and intimidating. Ya don't wanna do that! LOL! Good Luck to you! I hope that you
get a whole lot out of it! I did!~Take care.....[/font]

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 27, 2012 2:29 pm 
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Hey LT,

I don't know exactly what it is with some of us men not treating our wives with the respect they deserve? It may be because boys are brought up to think they're stronger and smarter than girls? Some of it may be a throw back to the 50's when the man was the man, he was in charge of the household, whatever he said went and crap like that. It may be several different things, but I think Goinstrong nailed it when she said that he's gonna keep treating you how you let him treat you.

I know this was true of me. As I was growing up, I wasn't really taught how to treat a woman. My examples came from family and friends whom I knew and some of those examples weren't very good ones. Anyway, I remember the first time my wife put her foot down with me. I had called her a rather nasty name and the look she gave me made me go MEEP. She proceeded to tell me, in a very calm, but completely clear way that what I did was beyond acceptable and I've never done it again.

There have been a few other times in our marriage that my wife has "corrected" my behavior and once she's done that, those behaviors cease.

I also want to make sure you know that we don't behave the way we do because we don't love you guys, that's not it at all. We do love you guys, it's just that.....that.....were men!!! Sometimes we need to be hit upside the head with a baseball bat before we "get it!"

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 02, 2012 7:25 pm 
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21 days sober today. This is an emotionally shitty struggle. I am trying to surround myself with only my kids, my mom, and a couple meeting friends. I'm trying to forget about all the people who have decided I'm a piece of shit. It is HARD to not care what other people are saying about you.....

My sponsor said that God will take the people out of my life who don't need to be there. This made me feel a little better.

Still have counseling 3 X a week and lots of meetings.

laddertipper

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 03, 2012 1:49 am 
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ladder". am i reading this right? you had blood alcol- i don't want to say any thing to get you up set, i really don't.
i drank tonight because my brother hates me and all ways did in the past couple of years and keeps saying very bad things to me and my other brother is to soft or don't seem to care and 5 other brothers don't. 2 sisters don't no what to do . so i drank as much as i could on suboxone like 10 beers and some hotdam' dam it . don't really feel any thing not even drunk.
my brothrs and sisters don't seem to like my mother as much as i do". but now i so messed up i hate my mother and my brothers and sisters for doing what there doing to me weathert they no it or not . i'll get drunk with you ladder at least you seem like you care. i'm starting to get very lonly on suboxone and lexapro no one likes me on it for i'm to bossy. go back on suboxone ladder befor it's to late. just my say i put up with to much.

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 03, 2012 2:35 am 
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ladder'. i was thinking to my self about i year ago when you were down to 1/2mg subs.. and worry that suboxone is not a cure or med for alcolholism. so there you go and what did you expect? i'm not going off suboxone now if i can help it. i drink some but don't want to go back in to that really bad health again. it's better for me to drink on suboxone. i'm sorry Ladder but get back on suboxone we no we can beet alcolholism any other way and GOD willing.

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we can't beat alcolhalism any other way and god no's it.

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 03, 2012 5:27 am 
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[font=Comic Sans MS]Hey there Ladder~ Thanks for checking in. I was just wondering how you are yesterday. Try to keep your head up!
Everything will get better. I know that you said it's hard not to care what people think, but try not to let it get to you.
Just try to consider the sources ya know? I typically dont care what anyone but my family thinks, and a very very few
close friends. That's how I have always been. I think that your friend put it best when she said that God will remove
all of the people in your life that dont need to be there. I know that he does it for me! Try to hang in there girl!! You
are doing great~Take care[/font]

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 Post subject: Re: Check In
PostPosted: Wed Oct 03, 2012 5:40 am 
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laddertipper wrote:
21 days sober today. This is an emotionally shitty struggle. I am trying to surround myself with only my kids, my mom, and a couple meeting friends. I'm trying to forget about all the people who have decided I'm a piece of shit. It is HARD to not care what other people are saying about you.....

My sponsor said that God will take the people out of my life who don't need to be there. This made me feel a little better.

Still have counseling 3 X a week and lots of meetings.

laddertipper


Ladder - It IS very hard to not care what other people say/think about us! We're human and we want to please people - especially the people that we care about. Just because all this happened doesn't mean that you caring about them just got turned off.

Don't forget that in the midst of all this, you are now grieving the loss of your best friend (and more?). This was a person you trusted and loved who was in your life for how long? It's natural to have to grieve the loss of that person AND that relationship. No matter how you feel, I'm sure you miss her, right? That's grief. You need to honor those feelings, experience them before you can get past them. And something else when it comes to grief that I recently learned....grief begets grief begets grief, etc etc. When a person grieves, those feelings trigger old feelings of grief as well and we may end up grieving again for an old loss. That's completely normal. That might be something that's going on for you now, too. Just something that occurred to me that I thought I'd share.

Lastly, when it comes to removing people in our lives that "don't need to be there", well, oftentimes we don't even realize that we don't need them or that they are or have become a negative influence in our lives. If you don't mind, I'll share with you how I look at the people in my life: If a person in my life doesn't (or has come to no longer) enhance or better my life, then it's simple: I don't need them in it. A person in our life should ENHANCE it....they should make it better and not cause us more pain than they do happiness. That said, it can be easier said than done. I think it's all linked to what I said above about humans wanting to please others and sometimes we put that need above our own need to be happy and fulfilled (unfortunately).

I have a few more thoughts, but right now I'm rambling. I hope you get the gist of what I'm saying. Just always remember that you deserve to have people in your life who enhance it and who don't bring you down or hurt you. Period. YOU DESERVE THAT, we all do.

Be well...and keep taking care of you and yours. You're doing great. Here's a Mr Green smilie for ya: :mrgreen:

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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 Post subject: Re: Check In
PostPosted: Wed Oct 03, 2012 10:00 am 
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hatmaker510 wrote:
laddertipper wrote:
21 days sober today. This is an emotionally shitty struggle. I am trying to surround myself with only my kids, my mom, and a couple meeting friends. I'm trying to forget about all the people who have decided I'm a piece of shit. It is HARD to not care what other people are saying about you.....

My sponsor said that God will take the people out of my life who don't need to be there. This made me feel a little better.

Still have counseling 3 X a week and lots of meetings.

laddertipper


Ladder - It IS very hard to not care what other people say/think about us! We're human and we want to please people - especially the people that we care about. Just because all this happened doesn't mean that you caring about them just got turned off.

Don't forget that in the midst of all this, you are now grieving the loss of your best friend (and more?). This was a person you trusted and loved who was in your life for how long? It's natural to have to grieve the loss of that person AND that relationship. No matter how you feel, I'm sure you miss her, right? That's grief. You need to honor those feelings, experience them before you can get past them. And something else when it comes to grief that I recently learned....grief begets grief begets grief, etc etc. When a person grieves, those feelings trigger old feelings of grief as well and we may end up grieving again for an old loss. That's completely normal. That might be something that's going on for you now, too. Just something that occurred to me that I thought I'd share.

Lastly, when it comes to removing people in our lives that "don't need to be there", well, oftentimes we don't even realize that we don't need them or that they are or have become a negative influence in our lives. If you don't mind, I'll share with you how I look at the people in my life: If a person in my life doesn't (or has come to no longer) enhance or better my life, then it's simple: I don't need them in it. A person in our life should ENHANCE it....they should make it better and not cause us more pain than they do happiness. That said, it can be easier said than done. I think it's all linked to what I said above about humans wanting to please others and sometimes we put that need above our own need to be happy and fulfilled (unfortunately).

I have a few more thoughts, but right now I'm rambling. I hope you get the gist of what I'm saying. Just always remember that you deserve to have people in your life who enhance it and who don't bring you down or hurt you. Period. YOU DESERVE THAT, we all do.

Be well...and keep taking care of you and yours. You're doing great. Here's a Mr Green smilie for ya: :mrgreen:


Yes! I am grieving for this friend. You are totally right. And it is confusing. I start thinking about the nasty things she has said and done since this happened, and I feel pissed off. Then, a memory forms in my head, and I feel overwhelmingly sad. It is almost Halloween, and we are both love to go all out on Halloween. It's gonna be cold soon....I was thinking I can never sit in her little house in front of her heater drinking coffee and talking....no more bringing each other Starbuck's...no more hiking until we are gonna fall over...no more clearing this path we found by the river and declared ours....no more going to the gym when it snows, so our little kids can play in the kids' place...no more bringing each other little presents on Christmas...no more letting all the kids wreck one or the other of our houses, just so we have a good excuse to hang out all day. We were supposed to do Music in the Park next summer, and I was playing the piano and she was gonna sing. And the worst part is that she is GONE. She always brought me up and she has the best laugh, like musical bells. Now, that person is gone, and only a dark, angry person is where she once was. That is SAD. What about becoming grandmother's together someday? It's all gone now. It is a HUGE loss. Hat, I think you get it.....

I like your criteria about enhancing my life. With that, I can remove these other people, aside from two. There is one that is a real thorn in my side and always difficult and I am DONE. That doesn't feel like much loss. More like peace.

I went to a great meeting yesterday and went to lunch afterward with a few people. One defense attorney, one social worker, and one comfortably retired person. What a smart bunch....and all alcoholics/addicts, just like us.

laddertipper

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First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 03, 2012 12:31 pm 
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i'm sorry ladder i did not read all your post about your loss of your friend.

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